Dealing with Estranged Family

[wolfandwolfandwolf]

I'll keep the sob story here short, I'm more interested in how you guys will answer the question/thrust of this thread.  This is not an advice thread, I'm more interested in seeing how others operate in these kinds of situations.  I realize this is very personal, so thanks for your honesty.

My dad is an alcoholic.  Not like "I had too much to drink at the Christmas party" alcoholic, but the self destructive kind.  He lost his job over it in 2006, left my mom over it in 2007, and has been in and out of rehab facilities pretty consistently since then, and those visits are usually coupled with promises that he is entirely incapable of keeping.  He is needy and any time he calls me he just cries a lot and tells me how sorry he is and how bad he feels all the time.  He's basically unable to move on.  His pride has him wrapped up in his guilt and he just isn't ready to be healthy.  I'm kind of in this process of learning how to "be" around him.

So, all of you folks with estranged family members or damaged relationships with them, how do you talk to these people?  Do you talk to them?  Or do you ignore them entirely?

[ReaperKK]

I have a similar situation with my dad. He isn't an alcoholic however he is just a shitty dad, he always has been. Basically as a child I was more "in the way" of what he wanted to do so he never had time to raise me, in fact he'd disappear 3-4 days at a time.

Finally when he and my mom divorced he pretty much disappeared from my life. It sucked because I really tried to reach out to him and at times he would talk but over time I realized that the only time he would talk to me is if needed something (sometimes money) and then he would disappear again for a few months. So I cut him out of my life, I told him to never talk to me again because I knew he would never change.

So I went the ignore completely route and I couldn't be happier, the moments when he was in my life would subsequently be some of the most stressful.

[kirksnosehair]

I am estranged from my father.  I don't talk to him.  I don't write him.   If I'm being brutally honest, and I have no reason not to be:  I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire.  He abused and tortured (actual, physical torture, yes) me as a child with great frequency.  There were multiple visits to the emergency room for physical harm he caused me, and because I was always too afraid to tell on him, we made up stories about how I had been hurt.  He was a self-righteous, condescending, know-it-all asshole as a father.  His way was THE way to do ANYTHING and HE lived HIS life with perfection and anyone who did not comply with his rules, his viewpoints, his way of doing things, was not worthy of the overwhelming joy and great benefit of his attention.  In his mind, he was perfect.

Then he left my mother in 1990 after 27 years of marriage to be with his high-school sweetheart.  It was then that we found out that he had been a philandering piece of shit during pretty much his entire phony marriage.  Not only had he been a cheater, but he was also a diddler, having made aggressive sexual passes at not one, not two, but THREE of my female cousins - all when he was in his 40's and they were in their EARLY TEENS.

He is fucking dead to me.

[lonestar]

My daughter is the child of an alcoholic and drug addict.  Her father was wrapped up so much in the pain of his childhood abuse that he couldn't see the forest for the trees.  Once he the alcohol and drugs truly grabbed hold of him, it was over.  That was fifteen years ago.  He sees her very sparingly since they live across the country from each other.  The thing is, with the disease, it is one day at a time.  There is no planning, no building, no development, he is trapped in it, in a daily cycle that went on and on.  The love is there, he thinks about her minute by minute.  The regret and pain over his mistakes, they dominate his emotions. Nine months ago, he checked into the hospital and almost died.  He hasn't had a drink since.  Slowly, and with a ton of work through various programs, he is staying sober, and acquiring the tools to live his life sober, one day at a time.  He is learning from those who came before him how to repair the damage his disease has done, not only to his daughter, but to all around him.  My daughter is a beautiful and loving young woman.  Nothing can replace the last fifteen years, but day by day, the rest of our lives are being made. 

[DebraKadabra]

I'm currently estranged from my mother, by my choice.  I haven't told her directly to leave me the hell alone, but it's definitely how I feel.  For as long as I can remember, I ALWAYS came last with her.  She's emotionally/mentally abused me for pretty much my whole life, but only physically abused me once (when she found out about the incredibly stupid mistake I made at 14 from my older brother).  I will say that the abuse got heavier after Dad and she divorced in 1976.  It's almost like she could never relate to me on any level at all and saved what little love she had in her for my older brother.  I ended up changing the original custody agreement to make Dad my primary custodial parent when I was 16 and she's never forgiven me for that--basically holds a grudge that I had the NERVE to do that.

I remember telling Dad recently that I really can't have a relationship with anyone who can't stand me (and never could because I always heard the snarky "You remind me of your FATHER" remark all the time growing up), and I really do wish things were different.  It's not like I haven't tried either, but she is unwilling to meet me halfway.  Like Barry's father, my mother was ALWAYS right and she could NEVER do anything wrong.  Oh, and Lord forbid if anyone tried to point the error of her ways out to her.

So, without dragging this post further down, I'll just say this one more thing--you have to do what you feel is right for YOU, wolf.  If you feel better not contacting your father at all, then that's what you should probably do.  If you want to keep that door open, then that's what you should probably do.  All I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in this particular situation.

[King Postwhore]

I have an employee who is on and off the wagon.  He's a good person and I'm pulling for him but I'm not sure how strong he is.  I'll keep trying to help him as best I can but the work rules may win out in the end.  I've got him help already through work but it's  a tightrope every day.  I hope he wins.

I hope your dad gets through this and build that bond and trust again.