A Short Story by Orbert

[Orbert]

As most of you know, I am old.  And old people like to tell stories.

I know we have a Poetry thread, but I don't write much poetry, and I didn't see a Creative Writing thread.  If there is one, could someone please direct me to it?  Also, if it turns out that way, maybe this thread could become the Creative Writing thread. 

Either way, I will now subject you this:

----------

Long, Long Ago

The sun was setting on another glorious day of hunting, and the people of Clan Al-Batu were gathered around the fire for an evening of food, song and fellowship.  Some of the younger warriors danced energetically in their brightly colored hides, trying to impress the females.  Small children chased each other around.  The adults engaged in animated conversation.

In the shadows off to one side, Raan, the clan's greatest warrior, lay nearly motionless with his head in the lap of his mate, Mikkal.  Raan had returned late yesterday, badly injured and without his spear.  Everybody knew what this meant, though of course no one spoke of it.  Mikkal quietly tended to his injuries.  Raan's face looked damp, or perhaps it was a trick of the light.

Suddenly, a tall figure stepped out of the brush, holding a huge spear over his head.  He wore plain hides with symbols burned into them, which identified him as Clan Muka-Ra, whose land bordered that of Clan Al-Batu.  A border that was often disputed.

"I INVOKE THE ANCIENT LAW!" he bellowed.  The clearing went silent as the stranger looked around, making eye contact with some, glancing past others.

"I invoke the Ancient Law!" he repeated.  "The one law that all clans have honored since the beginning of days.  I found THIS near the Field of the Great Oak!"  He cast the spear to the ground before him.  Everyone looked at the spear, and recognized it.

The Spear of Raan!

"And who are you?" said a voice, aged but with a quiet strength and no trace of fear.  Laiman, the Clan Leader, rose from his seat among his advisors and faced the stranger.  He wore hides that were multi-colored, but subdued, as befitting his station.

The stranger turned to him.  "I am Toko, of Clan Muka-Ra."

"I am Laiman, Leader of Clan Al-Batu."  Laiman looked over at the injured Raan, who had heard the commotion and turned to face the group.  "Raan," asked Laiman, "do you recognize this?"  He gestured toward the spear lying on the ground.

"Yes," said Raan, trying to sound stronger than he truly felt.  "I lost it the other day. I was--"

Laiman held up a hand to silence him.  There were some murmurs among the adults.  Mikkal gave Raan a sharp look.  Raan did not return the gaze.

Then Toko of Clan Muka-Ra spoke the ancient words: "Finders... Keepers."

Laiman looked at him, and nodded.  "The spear is yours."  There were some muffled gasps, but none dared challenge the wisdom of Laiman.

Toko picked up the spear.  Suddenly he tossed it up and grabbed it with both hands, as if to wield it, but he was only testing his grip against the weight of the enormous spear.  He looked at it, seemingly for the first time.  It was a beautiful, well-crafted spear.  It fit his hands well.

"Cool!" he said, smiling and nodding appreciatively.  "Thanks!"  He turned and disappeared into the darkness.  Laiman sat back down and resumed clan business with his advisors.  Eventually, conversation and activity resumed, and the evening proceeded without further incident.

In the shadows, with no eyes upon them, Mikkal said to Raan, "Shame on you! Speaking out of turn like that.  And to the Clan Leader!"

"I fell down a damned ravine!" Raan cried, as though that excused his behavior.  "What was I supposed to--"

"Oh shut up, you big baby!" said Mikkal.  "You know the law.  It is his now."

"Yes," Raan conceded.  "It is his now."

He sighed, turned away from the fire, and wept.

-

Feedback is welcomed.

[snapple]

It's a great read!

[lordxizor]

Good story. I find the modern slang to be a bit out of place, but I imagine you were going for that.

[kirksnosehair]

Well written.  I like your prose.  This reminded me a bit of some of Jean M. Auel's work.  (are you a fan?)

My only critique would be the use of the words "Cool" and "Damned" seemed out of place.  Otherwise, very nicely done.

[Orbert]

Thanks for the feedback!

I've written a few things, but I always tend to have my characters speak in a mixture of "period speach" and vernacular.  I find it amusing, though I understand that that will probably take most readers out of the moment.

In this case, however, I was specifically going for the anachronism.  "Cool!" was supposed to alert you to the fact that this is a satire.  I mean seriously, "Finders keepers, ______ ______" is their ancient, most sacred law?  What is Raan doing throughout the entire scene, and why?

[theseoafs]

It was hilarious. Good work.

[MasterShakezula]

If that was meant to be a satire, it was so well done, I thought it was serious.

Take that as you will, and post some more!

[kirksnosehair]

Thanks for the feedback!

I've written a few things, but I always tend to have my characters speak in a mixture of "period speach" and vernacular.  I find it amusing, though I understand that that will probably take most readers out of the moment.

In this case, however, I was specifically going for the anachronism.  "Cool!" was supposed to alert you to the fact that this is a satire.  I mean seriously, "Finders keepers, ______ ______" is their ancient, most sacred law?  What is Raan doing throughout the entire scene, and why?

Seriously, though, if you haven't checked out Jean M. Auel's "Earth's Children" series, I think you'd really like her stuff.

[snapple]

I like the anachronisms. As long as they're not over done (which they weren't), some people can read a story like that and completely miss them.

[Orbert]

Seriously, though, if you haven't checked out Jean M. Auel's "Earth's Children" series, I think you'd really like her stuff.

I shall make a note of it!

[Jarlaxle]

Pretty good read overall. I'm not that good of a critical reader, so I completely missed the reference to "finder's keepers, loser's weepers," but once you explained it, the story was even better and well executed.

I do like the idea of this becoming the creative writing thread, as every once in a while a thread will pop up with someone's story, and I would contribute into a thead like this, I just don't like making my own thread for those things.

[snapple]

I'm aspiring to be a writer of sorts, I want to hijack the thread.

[lonestar]

That was pretty fucking funny.   "Ancient words" 

[Dr. DTVT]

So...lonestar is Laiman, bosk is Toko, letters is Raan, and DTF is the spear of Raan? 

[Orbert]

Close.

I worked third shift in a 24-hour restaurant back in my college days.  One of waiters was named Ron, a tall, good-looking guy and easily one of the coolest guys I've ever met.  He's gay, and his boyfriend's name was Michael.  They became Raan and Mikkal in the story, and it's no accident that Mikkal is only ever referred to as Raan's "mate", and there are no pronouns to indicate whether Mikkal is male or female.  I'm sure most people imagine that Mikkal is female, but we don't actually know.  To me, Mikkal is a guy, because I know who he's based on.

Our shift manager, known for his smarts and never losing his cool, was Mark Lehman, and he is Laiman in the story.

Toko is based on no one in particular.  I just needed a name that sounded like someone from another clan.

Most of all, I love the idea of taking "Finders keepers, losers weepers" -- a rhyme that little kids use to justify keeping something that clearly belongs to someone else -- and seeing how it has evolved into The Ancient Law, and an entire culture based on honoring that law.

[Dr. DTVT]

They all sounded like male names to me, I just assumed they were all male.

[Orbert]

...not that there's anything wrong with that.