How much "sex" before marriage?

[Fluffy Lothario]

Wasn't it weird, even awkward, so dramatically changing the relationship so suddenly, after so long?

Sure, it took a few times before we got the hang of it, but isn't it that way it is for everyone when they start doing it? I thought it was fun figuring it and each other out after we got married.

That's true, but I didn't mean sex ie intercourse alone. I don't personally abide by no sex before marriage, but that doesn't mean that the moment I had the "moral freedom/peace of mind" to have sex (as a Christian would once they are married), I was desperate to immediately do it with the first girlfriend I had. For my first few gfs as a teenager, we slowly went further and further, as we were comfortable with at that point of time, in a warming up process, getting used to the entire concept of sharing sexuality with another person.

The impression I've gotten from most Christians is they don't really do this at all. They go from kissing and hugging and avoiding much else so as to prevent themselves from going further than they should, and then they get married, they have the freedom, or consent, or whatever you want to call it, and they suddenly jump each other's bones. No warming up to it, nothing. I know there is a MUCH longer period of being with the person you're suddenly having sex with and having established a strong bond with them, and that would be significant in making it easier, I admit, but I personally can't imagine just jumping from, as I put it, home turf to the Amazon on the sexual side of things in the space of one day. I just feel it could be quite... jarring?

Well, let see.  I had been to South America before a couple times but never the amazon.  However, with marriage I finally went to the amazon but I had an experienced guide who could speak the native language.   

a) Great extension of the analogy.
b) THIS is what I'm talking about. A bit of exploring South America before diving into the jungle, so the sights and sounds aren't so unfamiliar and, well, daunting, I suppose.

Possibly taking it a bit too far now.

[bosk1]

I find, really, that you really need to explore the entire hemisphere if you want a completely rewarding and fulfilling experience in the long term.  All I'm saying is that you should stay in North America and not go down until after you are married.  Wait...

[emindead]

"Just the tip" is the equivalent of being "slightly pregnant."

[Fluffy Lothario]

I find, really, that you really need to explore the entire hemisphere if you want a completely rewarding and fulfilling experience in the long term.  All I'm saying is that you should stay in North America and not go down until after you are married.  Wait...

I dunno, a hemisphere is a pretty big place. As much as the Amazon looks cool, some areas of South America don't necessarily look all that appealing. There are tons of dangerous cultures, you could catch a horrible disease, you could have a horrible spelunking accident in a treacherous cave and break something...

Wait, are we still talking about the same thing?

I'm not saying I don't understand waiting at all. I just think that for some of those Christians who have little to no experience in that area beforehand and do go all the way as soon as they pass go, it must be quite a leap, and while I'm sure most get through it fine, and likely enjoy it, it could be quite troubling for some people, and in some instances could have negative effects on the relationship.

[FlyingBIZKIT]

There's never too much sex.

[AndyDT]

I'll answer as someone who did not have sex before being married, probably one of the few here. It was important for me to determine that my wife and I were sexually compatible in the sense that we were interested in it about the same amount. So we did plenty of "fooling around" to figure that kind of stuff out, but no actual intercourse. Being sexually compatible does not only include the actual act of sex. There are plenty of people out there who barely even kiss before marriage and manage to do just fine, so it really varies based on the couple. My recommendation would be to not try and over interpret mundane acts like holding hands, hugging, and a hand on the thigh as being sexual. After a couple of months, these acts will no longer seem sexual in the slightest, but may seem kind of exciting at first. The less sex or at least fooling around you have, the more you'll need to talk about your sexual appetites and whatnot as the relationship gets more serious.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I've no intention of intercourse (mainly for the getting to know aspects you and also Bosk talks about) but there's a lot of fooling around you can do without intercourse though and to me it's not a lot different. It seems you have to put some kind of limit on the physical stuff  that might not be appropriate if both people are wanting to get to know eachother first as it risks making the relationship about the physical.

[AndyDT]

The greater point here is, can you make it work despite not clicking in bed? Yes, of course, you can shoehorn just about anything in, including my dick into her.... I digress.
The question is, why set yourself up for a potentially uphill battle in terms of saving your overall relationship, when you can upfront clear out that hurdle and find someone you're sexually compatible with?

I can definitely say of one girl I've been together with that I fucking hated sex with her. She was a great personality and yes, I could have made it work. But later I found a girl that, lo and behold, I clicked both physically and mentally.
Are you suggesting I rather should have stuck it out with the first girl?

rumborak

Are you saying it was a mental thing that you couldn't translate into the physical or that the bodily things were unpleasant for you?

[rumborak]

Have you ever done ballroom dancing? It's really kinda the same. With some people you can dance well, with others you don't.

rumborak

[King Postwhore]

Have you ever done ballroom dancing? It's really kinda the same. With some people you can dance well, with others you don't.

rumborak

Rumbo, and some like to booty grind. 

[7thHanyou]

Have you ever done ballroom dancing? It's really kinda the same. With some people you can dance well, with others you don't.

rumborak

And I see no reason why how good my wife is at ballroom dancing should play any role in my decision to marry her.

I would marry for different reasons, like personality, faith, and virtue.  Interests are important, but not central.  Sexual compatibility is something that can be developed with time, especially if a married couple learns together.  Even if it can't, even if compatibility isn't perfect, so what?

[MasterShakezula]

I'm not intending to marry and/or reproduce spawn, so I'm all about safe and responsible sex out of wedlock! 

[King Postwhore]

I'm not intending to marry and/or reproduce spawn, so I'm all about safe and responsible sex out of wedlock!

Why do you teens say this now?  How the hell do you know how you will feel 10 to 20 years from now.  As a grown up who couldn't have children, it was the biggest regret of our lives.  Don't close yourself off so quick.

[snapple]

I'm not intending to marry and/or reproduce spawn, so I'm all about safe and responsible sex out of wedlock!

Why do you teens say this now?  How the hell do you know how you will feel 10 to 20 years from now.  As a grown up who couldn't have children, it was the biggest regret of our lives.  Don't close yourself off so quick.

I'm 21 and I already want kids. I'm going to wait, but I'm hella excited for them!

[ReaperKK]

Have you ever done ballroom dancing? It's really kinda the same. With some people you can dance well, with others you don't.

rumborak

And I see no reason why how good my wife is at ballroom dancing should play any role in my decision to marry her.

I would marry for different reasons, like personality, faith, and virtue.  Interests are important, but not central.  Sexual compatibility is something that can be developed with time, especially if a married couple learns together.  Even if it can't, even if compatibility isn't perfect, so what?

I think as long as you and your s/o agree on what matters in the relationship then go for it. I know with the last girl I dated sexual compatibility was an important thing for her as well as me.

[ehra]

Have you ever done ballroom dancing? It's really kinda the same. With some people you can dance well, with others you don't.

rumborak

And I see no reason why how good my wife is at ballroom dancing should play any role in my decision to marry her.

I would marry for different reasons, like personality, faith, and virtue.  Interests are important, but not central.  Sexual compatibility is something that can be developed with time, especially if a married couple learns together.  Even if it can't, even if compatibility isn't perfect, so what?

If you're going to assume that someone will "develop" the same or similar sexual preferences as you then you can make that assumption about other things like their personality as well. Going into a marriage with the attitude of "meh, it'll get better later" doesn't seem like the greatest idea to me. If sexual comparability is important to someone then they wouldn't get married and wait for it to "develop with time" any more than you would do the same for the things you just said you find important.

[Fluffy Lothario]

I'm not intending to marry and/or reproduce spawn, so I'm all about safe and responsible sex out of wedlock!

Why do you teens say this now?  How the hell do you know how you will feel 10 to 20 years from now.

To be fair, you could argue the same for young people who say they want children.

[PraXis]

Have as much sex as you want, but be aware of the consequences (i.e. reputation). If I hook up with a girl that is known to 'go around' then I probably won't take her home to meet mom.

[King Postwhore]

I'm not intending to marry and/or reproduce spawn, so I'm all about safe and responsible sex out of wedlock!

Why do you teens say this now?  How the hell do you know how you will feel 10 to 20 years from now.

To be fair, you could argue the same for young people who say they want children.

And I agree with that too.  It's too early in a teenagers life to close doors.

[Odysseus]

Gotta try before you buy.  You don't really want to get married then find out your sexually incompatible for some reason.... 

[hefdaddy42]

I'm not saying that I am only for sex once married, but the "try-before-you-buy" argument seems just a little hinky to me, especially as worded in the previous post.  The fear that you may be sexually incompatible with someone once you've married them seems almost like an urban legend to me.  I've never heard of someone being sexually incompatible with someone that they were otherwise perfect matches for.

I mean, I guess it could happen, but I think a lot of sexual compatibility comes along with other personality traits being compatible as well.  If you two are otherwise a perfect match, you will be sexually compatible as well, I would imagine.  That's all I'm saying. 

But by all means, boff away.

[lordxizor]

I'm not saying that I am only for sex once married, but the "try-before-you-buy" argument seems just a little hinky to me, especially as worded in the previous post.  The fear that you may be sexually incompatible with someone once you've married them seems almost like an urban legend to me.  I've never heard of someone being sexually incompatible with someone that they were otherwise perfect matches for.

I mean, I guess it could happen, but I think a lot of sexual compatibility comes along with other personality traits being compatible as well.  If you two are otherwise a perfect match, you will be sexually compatible as well, I would imagine.  That's all I'm saying. 

But by all means, boff away.

I agree. The stories I've heard of sexual incompatibility fall into three groups:

1) Couple has kids, wife is too burned out and tired and is uninterested in sex very often.
2) Woman was abused in the past and has issues with sex. This didn't come out before marriage since they didn't want to do it and she is now refusing (or physically unable) after marriage.
3) Woman puts out before marriage, but is uninterested after marriage.

I don't have any statistics, but I'd imagine 1 is pretty common with 2 and 3 being somewhat rare.

[kirksnosehair]

I'm not saying that I am only for sex once married, but the "try-before-you-buy" argument seems just a little hinky to me, especially as worded in the previous post.  The fear that you may be sexually incompatible with someone once you've married them seems almost like an urban legend to me.  I've never heard of someone being sexually incompatible with someone that they were otherwise perfect matches for.

I mean, I guess it could happen, but I think a lot of sexual compatibility comes along with other personality traits being compatible as well.  If you two are otherwise a perfect match, you will be sexually compatible as well, I would imagine.  That's all I'm saying. 

But by all means, boff away.

FYI

[yeshaberto]

I'm not saying that I am only for sex once married, but the "try-before-you-buy" argument seems just a little hinky to me, especially as worded in the previous post.  The fear that you may be sexually incompatible with someone once you've married them seems almost like an urban legend to me.  I've never heard of someone being sexually incompatible with someone that they were otherwise perfect matches for.

I mean, I guess it could happen, but I think a lot of sexual compatibility comes along with other personality traits being compatible as well.  If you two are otherwise a perfect match, you will be sexually compatible as well, I would imagine.  That's all I'm saying. 

But by all means, boff away.

I agree. The stories I've heard of sexual incompatibility fall into three groups:

1) Couple has kids, wife is too burned out and tired and is uninterested in sex very often.
2) Woman was abused in the past and has issues with sex. This didn't come out before marriage since they didn't want to do it and she is now refusing (or physically unable) after marriage.
3) Woman puts out before marriage, but is uninterested after marriage.

I don't have any statistics, but I'd imagine 1 is pretty common with 2 and 3 being somewhat rare.

my wife falls under #2.  with years of honoring her and giving her the love she needs, we have overcome it together.  our sexual relationship is now very healthy.  this is how marriage works.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

I'm one of those who has always maintained since teen years that I would never have kids.  Still never going to.  The following article, though presented as satire, is so chock-full of truth that it's almost scary.  It does a decent job of describing some of my feelings about children.

Link

As to the OP, if you want to, do it.  If you don't, then don't.  You are the one and only person that has to live with your conscience.  Nobody else can tell you what will be good for your conscience.

[Durg]

I'm one of those who has always maintained since teen years that I would never have kids.

That explains all the hair

[rumborak]

One thing is also, you can't tell me that abstinence doesn't produce an incentive to get married sooner rather than later. In a country where the divorce rate is through the roof because of rushed marriages that's not a good incentive to have.
And a more mundane comment, I'm sitting here in freezing Boston, and honestly there's nothing better than to get under the warm blanket and fuck your gf's brain out.
And another comment, I think a good amount of couples kinda cheat on the thing, in the sense that there's fingering, hand jobs, cunnilingus and whatnot going on, just no penetration. That's not abstinence, that's cheating by way of semantics.

rumborak

[yeshaberto]

And another comment, I think a good amount of couples kinda cheat on the thing, in the sense that there's fingering, hand jobs, cunnilingus and whatnot going on, just no penetration. That's not abstinence, that's cheating by way of semantics.

rumborak

that's probably more in line with what the OP was asking

[PetrucciFan99]

I've never had a problem with sex outside of marriage. I've had plenty of sex outside of marriage and it was all awesome. I'm not a Christian though, so I don't have much to contribute to this conversation.

[AndyDT]

One thing is also, you can't tell me that abstinence doesn't produce an incentive to get married sooner rather than later. In a country where the divorce rate is through the roof because of rushed marriages that's not a good incentive to have.
And a more mundane comment, I'm sitting here in freezing Boston, and honestly there's nothing better than to get under the warm blanket and fuck your gf's brain out.
And another comment, I think a good amount of couples kinda cheat on the thing, in the sense that there's fingering, hand jobs, cunnilingus and whatnot going on, just no penetration. That's not abstinence, that's cheating by way of semantics.

rumborak

Is it really? I know what you're saying and agree for the most part. Although the bible talks about a man and woman becoming one, arguably that means only full intercourse with climaxing.

[hefdaddy42]

I'm not saying that I am only for sex once married, but the "try-before-you-buy" argument seems just a little hinky to me, especially as worded in the previous post.  The fear that you may be sexually incompatible with someone once you've married them seems almost like an urban legend to me.  I've never heard of someone being sexually incompatible with someone that they were otherwise perfect matches for.

I mean, I guess it could happen, but I think a lot of sexual compatibility comes along with other personality traits being compatible as well.  If you two are otherwise a perfect match, you will be sexually compatible as well, I would imagine.  That's all I'm saying. 

But by all means, boff away.

FYI

All that says is that, on average, men like sex more than women.  Everyone knows this.  Even in couples who are very compatible sexually, the man normally wants sex more than the woman wants sex.  On average, I'm aware that there are exceptions or even men with low sex drives.

[Cyclopssss]

Also, after a couple of years the question becomes: how much sex AFTER marriage? 

[Vivace]

The biggest problem I tend to see with today and the world of sex is that there is no longer a defining line or an objective line. Almost anything is now construed as sexual, from a look to a touch. My advice is to stop questioning yourself on it and start to draw the lines. There is showing love and there is sex. These two things should not be intertwined like they are which is another thing where I think we are losing our sense of being intimate without it being something sexual. I think we are very capable of knowing when love is becoming sex and the world itself is driven with sexual tones and usually not softer tones of love.   

[kirbywelch92]

One thing is also, you can't tell me that abstinence doesn't produce an incentive to get married sooner rather than later. In a country where the divorce rate is through the roof because of rushed marriages that's not a good incentive to have.
And a more mundane comment, I'm sitting here in freezing Boston, and honestly there's nothing better than to get under the warm blanket and fuck your gf's brain out.
And another comment, I think a good amount of couples kinda cheat on the thing, in the sense that there's fingering, hand jobs, cunnilingus and whatnot going on, just no penetration. That's not abstinence, that's cheating by way of semantics.

rumborak

Is it really? I know what you're saying and agree for the most part. Although the bible talks about a man and woman becoming one, arguably that means only full intercourse with climaxing.

If you go by the Bible, Jesus says that even looking at a woman with lust is Adultery.

[Cyclopssss]

One thing is also, you can't tell me that abstinence doesn't produce an incentive to get married sooner rather than later. In a country where the divorce rate is through the roof because of rushed marriages that's not a good incentive to have.
And a more mundane comment, I'm sitting here in freezing Boston, and honestly there's nothing better than to get under the warm blanket and fuck your gf's brain out.
And another comment, I think a good amount of couples kinda cheat on the thing, in the sense that there's fingering, hand jobs, cunnilingus and whatnot going on, just no penetration. That's not abstinence, that's cheating by way of semantics.

rumborak

Is it really? I know what you're saying and agree for the most part. Although the bible talks about a man and woman becoming one, arguably that means only full intercourse with climaxing.

If you go by the Bible, Jesus says that even looking at a woman with lust is Adultery.

Well than I'm on a highway straight to hell...

[Aramatheis]

can we not start this again?