How much "sex" before marriage?

[Nick]

I can't even imagine waiting till marriage to have sex with someone. I mean part of that might be that I don't plan to run into marriage quickly like many do, but in general I just don't find any good reasons not to have sex beforehand.

But in answer to your question Andy, I don't think there is much of a solid answer.

[antigoon]

Sex before becoming best friends would have likely hindered building that best friend aspect of our relationship.

Why?

Because the relationship would have become focused on the sex and not on learning about who we REALLY are.  Once the sex starts the emotional bonds are so overwhelming (as God intended it) that it becomes hard to see logically that, for example, I may not be able to live with this person the rest of my life (even though the sex it great). 

Of course this is all theory for me since I didn't go about it this way.  But beauty fades and passion wanes and if you don't already love them then the relationship is going to get exposed when things get tough.  And they always do.

When I was young, it was described to me like this:

Building a relationship is like building a tower of blocks (think Jenga).  As the relationship grows the blocks become stacked up higher and wider.  Sex then is the glue that is poured on top of it all to hold it together.  It's the icing on the cake so to speak. 

Furthermore, if the relationship fails the blocks have to be broken apart.  But since there is dried glue, the edges are jagged and doesn't fit together as well to new blocks.  They just don't stack up right. 

I've used this analogy to help me view sex in a more mature way then just wanting to get my rocks off cause she's hot.

I understand where you're coming from, but I don't think this makes much sense to people who aren't necessarily entering into all relationships with the goal of getting married one day.

And I don't think, at least in my experience, sex has that much power over a relationship. It definitely can in the short term, but if you're not compatible in any other way those signs should show themselves far before any talk about marriage comes into the equation.

Does anyone except the most desperate stay with a person he can't stand just because the sex is good?

[lordxizor]

in general I just don't find any good reasons not to have sex beforehand.

STDs and unwanted pregnancy are extremely common and have lifelong consequences for those involved. All for a little bit of temporary pleasure. We live in an age where contraception, abortion and medical treatments are all commonplace and fairly easy to obtain. Yet almost half of babies are born to unwed mothers, over 1 million unwanted pregnancies are terminated every year (some of them to married couples, but probably not a huge percentage) and a significant subset of the population has an STD. To me, these are very large reasons to wait until marriage. You can try to be safe, yet these things still happen on a very regular basis.

[Durg]

I understand where you're coming from, but I don't think this makes much sense to people who aren't necessarily entering into all relationships with the goal of getting married one day.

Yeah.  I guess my world view is just so different.  I always felt that the whole reason to date and enter relationships is to determine if that person is a potential marriage partner.  Of course it wasn't as rigid for me as that last sentence makes it sound but I had several very long relationships in high school and college with girls where it was always in the back of my mind.  You know the question, "is this the one"?  I've never just had a romantic relationship with a girl that I knew marriage was not going to be a possibility. 

Of course if I was looking for sex maybe I would have.  But I wanted to stay a virgin so....  different world view.

And I don't think, at least in my experience, sex has that much power over a relationship. It definitely can in the short term, but if you're not compatible in any other way those signs should show themselves far before any talk about marriage comes into the equation.

I have no idea.  I've only had sex with one person.  My wife.

Does anyone except the most desperate stay with a person he can't stand just because the sex is good?

Of course not, but my point is that the sex covers up or blinds people from seeing the real compatibility problems until it's too late.  And by that point there's a significant emotional attachment that causes so much heartache and pain when the breakup inevitably has to happen.  It's even worse when people realize this after their married and put kids in the middle of it.

[Gadough]

Convince her that it's not sex if it's anal.

Excellent advice is excellent.

[Sigz]

in general I just don't find any good reasons not to have sex beforehand.

STDs and unwanted pregnancy are extremely common and have lifelong consequences for those involved. All for a little bit of temporary pleasure. We live in an age where contraception, abortion and medical treatments are all commonplace and fairly easy to obtain. Yet almost half of babies are born to unwed mothers, over 1 million unwanted pregnancies are terminated every year (some of them to married couples, but probably not a huge percentage) and a significant subset of the population has an STD. To me, these are very large reasons to wait until marriage. You can try to be safe, yet these things still happen on a very regular basis.

Huh? Why are the only options 'sex with VD-ridden strangers' and 'wait until marriage'? It's perfectly possible and in fact common to be in a healthy and safe sexual relationship with a partner you're not married too.

[kári]

People still wait for marriage to have sex?

[lordxizor]

Huh? Why are the only options 'sex with VD-ridden strangers' and 'wait until marriage'? It's perfectly possible and in fact common to be in a healthy and safe sexual relationship with a partner you're not married too.

Where did you get that from my post? I said that no matter how safe you are, you risk getting pregnant or catching an STD. Despite the fact that there is a ton of "healthy and safe" sex going on, they result in a hell of a lot of unwanted pregnancies and STDs. All I was doing was presenting Nick with a good reason to wait, since he didn't see any.

[Sigz]

Huh? Why are the only options 'sex with VD-ridden strangers' and 'wait until marriage'? It's perfectly possible and in fact common to be in a healthy and safe sexual relationship with a partner you're not married too.

Where did you get that from my post? I said that no matter how safe you are, you risk getting pregnant or catching an STD. Despite the fact that there is a ton of "healthy and safe" sex going on, they result in a hell of a lot of unwanted pregnancies and STDs. All I was doing was presenting Nick with a good reason to wait, since he didn't see any.

Premarital sex doesn't result in unwanted pregnancies and STDs, random sex with strangers does (sometimes). Sex with a partner you're in a relationship with is no different than sex with your spouse as far as the risks go.

[snapple]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Sorry, rumborak's first post and subsequent posts just annoyed the shit out of me. KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

[antigoon]

that's actually the first thing i do when i meet a woman

stick my dick in her to make sure it feels right

if not

[Gorille85]

that's actually the first thing i do when i meet a woman

stick my dick in her to make sure it feels right

if not

Finally someone is making sense here.

[snapple]

that's actually the first thing i do when i meet a woman

stick my dick it to make sure it feels right

if not

I figured that was the case for you.

I just read some of these posts and it's like..."really?" I was a bit annoyed when I posted, but I don't feel like editing it at all because that's what I truly believe. I'm in agreement with Bosk and Durg. My fiancée and I have had sex numerous times and we wished we would have waited. But it's been a few years since we have last had sex and we're excited to get married. She's my absolute best friend and so what if we don't sex it up all the time? That's not why I chose to be with her.

[Tripp]

That's not why I chose to be with her.

what

[Aramatheis]

that's actually the first thing i do when i meet a woman

stick my dick in her to make sure it feels right

if not

that happens to be the same method I use for choosing the right turkey or apple pie at Thanksgiving.
weird

[snapple]

That's not why I chose to be with her.

what

Sex is not the reason why I chose to be with my fiancee

[lordxizor]

Premarital sex doesn't result in unwanted pregnancies and STDs, random sex with strangers does (sometimes).

I'll go out on a limb an assume that you're not actually meaning to say that couples in relationships who have sex before marriage never get pregnant or spread STDs. I know several people who would tell you otherwise from personal experience. It's not only random hook-ups that spread disease and get people pregnant.

Sex with a partner you're in a relationship with is no different than sex with your spouse as far as the risks go.

Sure, the risks are the same, but how many people want to have a baby with their college or high school girlfriend? How many people want to have a child with their wife? Babies in marriages are generally wanted, babies pre-marriage generally are not (obviously not always). STDs would not even be an issue if you waited for marriage.

I'm unsure what you're trying to prove. Pre-marital sex has potential lifelong consequences that may tie you to a person that you have no intention of being tied to long term (having a kid) or cause you to have health issues that you could spread to future partners (STDs). Are you actually trying to argue otherwise?

[El Barto]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Sorry, rumborak's first post and subsequent posts just annoyed the shit out of me. KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

It's not about whether or not she's any good.  What if she discovers that she hates sex?  What if she has a grossly deformed snapper?  What if she has repressed memories of being gang-probed by aliens and cant get it on without bursting into tears?  Plenty of people wait, and plenty of people also find out that their new spouse has no interest in getting laid, and the result is a crappy marriage.  "But we were best friends!!!"

[snapple]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Sorry, rumborak's first post and subsequent posts just annoyed the shit out of me. KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

It's not about whether or not she's any good.  What if she discovers that she hates sex?  What if she has a grossly deformed snapper?  What if she has repressed memories of being gang-probed by aliens and cant get it on without bursting into tears?  Plenty of people wait, and plenty of people also find out that their new spouse has no interest in getting laid, and the result is a crappy marriage.  "But we were best friends!!!"

I guess I understand that, but that is most certainly the exception.

[Gorille85]

I will never get married. But even if that was the case; Sex everyday!!!

[yeshaberto]

my wife and I had even decided to wait to kiss until we were engaged (needless to say, it was a short dating period  )
one of the benefits is it didn't cloud our relationship with high emotions.
we were married within two months from our first date and we are in our 22nd year of marriage, and we are extremely happy

[Sigz]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Jesus, way to completely miss the point Snapple. We're talking about sexual compatibility, not 'being a good fuck'. From personal experience, I can tell you that's not something you can determine just by being together. I dated my first girlfriend for almost three years before we had sex. She was my best friend, smart, funny, super hot, the works. We started having sex, but even after numerous times and communication it simply never clicked for me. She was totally into it, and I wasn't - the imbalance grew, and coupled with a few other major things, we drifted apart and broke up a while later. It wasn't because she was a 'bad fuck', it was because that connection you get when you have sex with the person you love simply wasn't there for me. Had we stuck it out until we got married it would have been very, very bad.

Yes, we were best friends, but that has nothing to do with how you get along in the sack.

[lordxizor]

Plenty of people wait, and plenty of people also find out that their new spouse has no interest in getting laid, and the result is a crappy marriage.  "But we were best friends!!!"

There are plenty of women who become completely uninterested in sex after they get married even though they were doing it before, too.

[snapple]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Jesus, way to completely miss the point Snapple. We're talking about sexual compatibility, not 'being a good fuck'. From personal experience, I can tell you that's not something you can determine just by being together. I dated my first girlfriend for almost three years before we had sex. She was my best friend, smart, funny, super hot, the works. We started having sex, but even after numerous times and communication it simply never clicked for me. She was totally into it, and I wasn't - the imbalance grew, and coupled with a few other major things, we drifted apart and broke up a while later. It wasn't because she was a 'bad fuck', it was because that connection you get when you have sex with the person you love simply wasn't there for me. Had we stuck it out until we got married it would have been very, very bad.

Yes, we were best friends, but that has nothing to do with how you get along in the sack.

Alright, but would you divorce your wife if that happened after you got married? Or would you work on it? That's the point I'm making.

[Aramatheis]

but the point everyone else is making is that you would have done it with your wife by then, so you wouldn't have to resort to divorce in such a situation

(situation here meaning what Sigz alluded to; an imbalance leading to alienation)

[bosk1]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Sorry, rumborak's first post and subsequent posts just annoyed the shit out of me. KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

It's not about whether or not she's any good.  What if she discovers that she hates sex?  What if she has a grossly deformed snapper?  What if she has repressed memories of being gang-probed by aliens and cant get it on without bursting into tears?  Plenty of people wait, and plenty of people also find out that their new spouse has no interest in getting laid, and the result is a crappy marriage.  "But we were best friends!!!"

I love it when people think proving the exception disproves the rule.

[snapple]

but the point everyone else is making is that you would have done it with your wife by then, so you wouldn't have to resort to divorce in such a situation

(situation here meaning what Sigz alluded to; an imbalance leading to alienation)

I'm saying, if you had waited until you got married and that happened, would you divorce your wife or work on it?

there are very good reasons why people get divorced, and I understand why people do. But I'm willing to bet a lot of people also are just like "this isn't what i was expecting" without lifting a finger to work on the relationship and quit focusing on themselves. If your spouse drives you completely nuts and holds you at knifepoint every night and shit like that, okay, I get it.

[Sigz]

I'm unsure what you're trying to prove. Pre-marital sex has potential lifelong consequences that may tie you to a person that you have no intention of being tied to long term (having a kid) or cause you to have health issues that you could spread to future partners (STDs). Are you actually trying to argue otherwise?

It's not pre-marital sex, it's just sex in general that can have life-altering consequences. Just because you're married doesn't mean you want or are ready for a child, and just because you're married doesn't mean your spouse isn't going to cheat on you and give you an STD. If you're in a committed relationship, it doesn't matter whether you're married or not. Why is it that it's not acceptable to fuck your girlfriend of five years, but it's perfectly fine the second you repeat a few lines in a church?

[El Barto]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really? So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex? Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple? So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

Sorry, rumborak's first post and subsequent posts just annoyed the shit out of me. KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

It's not about whether or not she's any good.  What if she discovers that she hates sex?  What if she has a grossly deformed snapper?  What if she has repressed memories of being gang-probed by aliens and cant get it on without bursting into tears?  Plenty of people wait, and plenty of people also find out that their new spouse has no interest in getting laid, and the result is a crappy marriage.  "But we were best friends!!!"

I love it when people think proving the exception disproves the rule.

That makes no sense as there was no rule I was trying to prove or disprove.  He threw out a theory and I pointed out a couple of issues with it.

[Durg]

that's actually the first thing i do when i meet a woman

stick my dick in her to make sure it feels right

if not

that happens to be the same method I use for choosing the right turkey or apple pie at Thanksgiving.
weird

Really?  What do your guests say about having dick holes in their apple pie?

[lordxizor]

It's not pre-marital sex, it's just sex in general that can have life-altering consequences.

Sure, but kids are generally wanted in a marriage and not wanted in an unmarried couple. Obviously there are exceptions. I get the point you're trying to make, but I disagree that the risks are the same in and out of marriage. If everyone waited for marriage, there would be millions fewer unwanted pregnancies and virtually no STDs. I'm not saying you have to wait if you don't want to. I'm just saying that there is a downside. If you're willing to risk it, then that's fine for you.

[King Postwhore]

The ones that are great in bed are the nuts jobs you don't want to marry but you don't want to marry a corpse so there is a happy medium.

For those who want to wait.  I tip my hat to you.  I didn't but if both argee to wait, why should I care?

The real question my wife wanted to know was, could I do dishes and fold laundry and provide.  Girls got to have her priorities.

[kirksnosehair]

For those saying that sex before marriage helps find that you're compatible..

Really?

Sexually compatible.  Not just "compatible."  There's a difference.

So, you're going to use sex as a basis for it? You can't get married based on knowing each other and all other reason that aren't sex?

I can only speak for myself, but there were plenty of women I had sex with that I am 100% unequivocally positive that had I married them we would not have stayed married, largely due to their inadequacies in terms of sexual prowess and abilities.  We were not then and likely would never have become compatible.  They went their ways I went mine, and we all lived happily ever after.

Isn't the point of being in a relationship about growing as people as a couple?

Sure, that's one of the points.  I'd agree with that.

So what if the sex SUCKS at first if you chose to wait. You're fucking married right now. Learn your spouses love language. Learn what pleases them. Show some fucking interest in them before you look at "oh, she's a bad fuck. I'll try a different one." Not only will that make the sex more awesome when you do have it, it'll also be much more intimate and special because you took the time to focus on HER rather than your dick.

uh, I'll ignore the vulgar and crude language and just say that having been with quite a few women in my day prior to my wife, I can say with 100% certainty that there were several of them that were just not good enough at sex for me to be interested in establishing a life-long bond with them in the hopes that they'd improve.  That's a big gamble that I just wasn't willing to make.  It had nothing to do with my "dick" and everything to do with me wanting to find a partner that I was 100% compatible with in every conceivable way, and the good news is:  I FOUND HER!  And get this:  I lived with my current wife without being married to her for almost as long as we've now been married.  We met in 1989, moved in together not long after, and even separated for a while, then got back together and finally in 2000 we were married.  And contrary to what some are writing in this thread, my wife and I have an amazingly close relationship.  She is everything to me and I know she feels the same way about me.   All this and we had sex before marriage, and lived "in sin" for close to a decade without ever getting married.
 

KNH brought up valid points without being an ass towards what people believe.

   I think "no sex before marriage" is pretty old fashioned and I know that I saw a poll recently that showed that only about 20% of adults go into their first marriage as virgins.  A LOT of marriages end because of sexual incompatibility.  I get that some people have beliefs that command that they refrain prior to marriage.   I guess it's up to each individual to search their heart for what is right for them.  I know that for me and my wife our sex life has always been about the intimacy and how much closer to each other it makes us feel, even before we were married.

[Nick]

in general I just don't find any good reasons not to have sex beforehand.

STDs and unwanted pregnancy are extremely common and have lifelong consequences for those involved. All for a little bit of temporary pleasure. We live in an age where contraception, abortion and medical treatments are all commonplace and fairly easy to obtain. Yet almost half of babies are born to unwed mothers, over 1 million unwanted pregnancies are terminated every year (some of them to married couples, but probably not a huge percentage) and a significant subset of the population has an STD. To me, these are very large reasons to wait until marriage. You can try to be safe, yet these things still happen on a very regular basis.

Huh? Why are the only options 'sex with VD-ridden strangers' and 'wait until marriage'? It's perfectly possible and in fact common to be in a healthy and safe sexual relationship with a partner you're not married too.

This.

Huh? Why are the only options 'sex with VD-ridden strangers' and 'wait until marriage'? It's perfectly possible and in fact common to be in a healthy and safe sexual relationship with a partner you're not married too.

Where did you get that from my post? I said that no matter how safe you are, you risk getting pregnant or catching an STD. Despite the fact that there is a ton of "healthy and safe" sex going on, they result in a hell of a lot of unwanted pregnancies and STDs. All I was doing was presenting Nick with a good reason to wait, since he didn't see any.

Premarital sex doesn't result in unwanted pregnancies and STDs, random sex with strangers does (sometimes). Sex with a partner you're in a relationship with is no different than sex with your spouse as far as the risks go.

And this.

I'm not going around looking to put my unprotected penis into anything that moves. If you're safe and reasonable I see no extra risk in having sex before or after marriage.

[bosk1]

[A lot of stuff between KNH and snapple]

Even though I disagree with much of your position [   Get it?  I said "position." ], good post.