Author Topic: How much "sex" before marriage?  (Read 18766 times)

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Offline AndyDT

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How much "sex" before marriage?
« on: December 15, 2011, 12:30:21 AM »
I read a book talking about physical limits before christian marriage. It quotes Paul about being "pure" and avoiding "sexual immorality". These seem very subjective.

I'm avoiding full sex with my girlfriend but surely lots of things are sexual? When are you supposed to stop? For example if you put your hand on her thigh or vice versa and she gets aroused that could easily be construed as sexual. Or if you hug her goodnight and you touch  and become aroused that's sexual. Or hold hands etc.

The whole rule-based system seems subjective unless it's defined properly. Doesn't Genesis talk about becoming one with your wife? This seems to suggest the only thing that is not proper outside marriage is climaxing while having full intercourse with your partner.

Offline voncorn

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2011, 12:32:24 AM »
Just do her already.

Offline rumborak

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2011, 12:47:41 AM »
WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT GENESIS SAYS?!!
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Offline Genowyn

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2011, 01:00:42 AM »
Despite what some people would have you believe, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Marriage is little more than an agreement to keep your romantic relationship going, ideally until you pass away together in old age on a country farm breeding German Shepherds or something.

So basically my belief is that you shouldn't agree to marry someone without having sex with them a couple of times...enough that you can say to yourself "Yeah, if I only ever have sex with this person for the rest of my life, that'll be okay." If you marry someone without sleeping with them, how would you know if you'll end up being compatible in bed? Having a spouse who can't satisfy you sexually is what leads to infidelity.

To summarize: it will benefit both of you and the longevity of your relationship if you have sex before marriage.

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Offline MasterShakezula

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2011, 01:19:43 AM »
If you want to do so, are capable of doing so, and would not feel morally incorrect for doing so, feel free to do so.

Offline Gadough

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2011, 01:36:59 AM »
WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT GENESIS SAYS?!!

You know Rumborak means business when he doesn't sign his post.
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Offline rumborak

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2011, 01:44:05 AM »
Despite what some people would have you believe, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Marriage is little more than an agreement to keep your romantic relationship going, ideally until you pass away together in old age on a country farm breeding German Shepherds or something.

So basically my belief is that you shouldn't agree to marry someone without having sex with them a couple of times...enough that you can say to yourself "Yeah, if I only ever have sex with this person for the rest of my life, that'll be okay." If you marry someone without sleeping with them, how would you know if you'll end up being compatible in bed? Having a spouse who can't satisfy you sexually is what leads to infidelity.

I have certainly dated girls on both sides of the spectrum, the ones you enjoy being in bed with, and ones where your mind totally drifts off while you're doing it because it almost feels like a chore.
And yes, you can ruin just about any relationship with continuous bad sex.

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Offline black_biff_stadler

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2011, 03:45:23 AM »
WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT GENESIS SAYS?!!

You know Rumborak means business when he doesn't sign his post.

You goof :lol
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Offline Cyclopssss

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2011, 04:46:03 AM »
Well, it depends. In my case, I get all the sex I can before marriage (because I'll probably never marry)  :yarr

Anyhow, I bet you'd like a serious answer. The only thing I can say is I commend you for being serious about it and wanting to 'do the right thing'. And that's all good and I hope you're a match made in heaven and you and her will stay together forever. If that's not the case though, let met just say this: once you get some, you're hooked. (if it's any good that is). Anyway, what was the question again?  :huh:
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Online lordxizor

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2011, 06:03:35 AM »
I'll answer as someone who did not have sex before being married, probably one of the few here. It was important for me to determine that my wife and I were sexually compatible in the sense that we were interested in it about the same amount. So we did plenty of "fooling around" to figure that kind of stuff out, but no actual intercourse. Being sexually compatible does not only include the actual act of sex. There are plenty of people out there who barely even kiss before marriage and manage to do just fine, so it really varies based on the couple. My recommendation would be to not try and over interpret mundane acts like holding hands, hugging, and a hand on the thigh as being sexual. After a couple of months, these acts will no longer seem sexual in the slightest, but may seem kind of exciting at first. The less sex or at least fooling around you have, the more you'll need to talk about your sexual appetites and whatnot as the relationship gets more serious.

Offline El Barto

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2011, 08:12:39 AM »
The no sex before marriage thing is just plain foolish. 

To answer your question,  I was always of the opinion that it meant no sex,  as in actual sex.  I've never heard of anything else being off limits.  There's a difference between sex and sexual contact,  and I don't think that latter is verboten in that biblical rule book you seem to subscribe to.
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Offline El JoNNo

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2011, 08:15:58 AM »
Convince her that it's not sex if it's anal.

Offline TheOutlawXanadu

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2011, 08:41:38 AM »
Unfortunately, my girlfriend believes in no sex before marriage. On a good day, it mildly annoys me, and on a bad day, it really pisses me off. :lol

Funny how something can make so little sense to one person and so much to another.
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Offline Super Dude

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2011, 08:46:33 AM »
Fake edit: What Genowyn said.
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Offline antigoon

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #14 on: December 15, 2011, 08:55:03 AM »
how much sex? all the sex.

Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #15 on: December 15, 2011, 09:07:10 AM »
Honestly, you're better off having sex beforehand. Waiting until the night-of is a terrible idea, and will probably sour the whole wedding. Why? Because it just so happens that when two people who've never had sex before try to have sex with each other, there's an extremely high chance that it's not going to work out correctly, and even if it works, the chances of it being enjoyable for both participates are slim to none. If you wait until your wedding night to have sex, you will be sorely disappointed.

I guess to the most stoic of Christians, it doesn't really matter because the wedding night is all about breaking the seal and sowing your seed, but honestly I don't see too much satisfaction being gained from that. That's the real danger for people who try to keep their bedrooms too "Christian", in my opinion. Being sexually satisfied is put on the back-burner, and at worst not really considered important at all. In reality, there are few things more important to a healthy relationship.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2011, 09:25:57 AM by Perpetual Change »

Offline Implode

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #16 on: December 15, 2011, 09:12:12 AM »
My dad was raised Catholic but stands by the belief that you have to "try on the shoe to see if it fits before buying".

So yeah.

Offline Jamesman42

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #17 on: December 15, 2011, 09:22:15 AM »
Re: How much "sex" before marriage?

Answer: Enough to wash your dog in the jacuzzi out back.

Offline bosk1

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2011, 09:22:46 AM »
Andy, not sure why you even bother citing to any biblical sources since it is obvious you view the Biblical texts as purely a set of rules and a work of philosophy.  If that is how you view it, you are missing the point, and it doesn't make sense to try to pluck rules out of context and try to define precisely where the line is so you can get as close as possible without crossing it.  Again, that misses the point.  To sum up the Biblical perspective on sex:  Any sexual contact outside marriage is sin.  Any sex within marriage is awesome.  Got it?


Honestly, you're better off having sex before hand.

Actually, I think you got the order wrong.  I think most have hand before sex.
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Offline Sir GuitarCozmo

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #19 on: December 15, 2011, 09:23:08 AM »
Honestly, you're better off having sex before hand.

I'm bummed.  I definitely started off having hand before sex.  :sadpanda:

EDIT:  OMG, you sneaky ninja commenter administrator mod dude, you!

Offline bosk1

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #20 on: December 15, 2011, 09:23:32 AM »
Beat you to it, cowboy.
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Offline Sir GuitarCozmo

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #21 on: December 15, 2011, 09:24:19 AM »
:rollin

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2011, 09:27:07 AM »
My wife and I did not have sex until we married. We were not virgins, but had chose to eliminate sex from the equation as we got to know each other and ultimately fell in love. We still engaged in physical interaction ....a lot of 'make out' sessions and what not...some heavy petting and although we didn't have actual sex we did have our moments where we gratified one another when the moments escalated.
  I actually enjoyed the fact that we didn't have intercourse because knowing that was not going to happen immediately pulled all of the BS out of the mix that a guy uses to try and get laid. I found myself actually learning about her and not just learning how I could get her in bed.
  It's already been mentioned here by plenty of people that they believe that no sex before marriage is dumb...and that you need to test the waters to even see if you guys are compatable. Just good examples of how we all are entitled to our opinions.
  For us, it only enhanced our sexual relationship and I'd reccomend it to any couple who are in a serious commitment considering marriage. When you're old and gray and sex is no longer a significant part of your marriage...you'd better be sure of your compatability and that you're outlook on life is consistant beacuse that is what will tide you over and what provides life's happiness. If you are counting on sex to be the primary indicator of your marriage's happiness and your life's happiness for that matter....I would reconsider your reasoning behind getting married and perhaps maybe even re-evaluate what you deem important. 
 
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Offline Genowyn

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2011, 09:30:13 AM »
The point isn't that sexual compatibility is most important, it obviously isn't. No amount of great sex will keep a couple that don't get along together. But it's still very important. If we say the importance is 60/40 (which some of you may consider generous in either direction), if the sex is bad that's still only 60% of a happy relationship  :lol

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Offline Super Dude

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2011, 09:33:44 AM »
Just get the fucker over with.

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Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #25 on: December 15, 2011, 09:35:45 AM »
What's the Biblical basis for no sex outside marriage, anyway? I know about the whole "don't spill the seed" thing, but don't plenty of churches (besides us Papists) have no problem with things like condom use?

Offline bosk1

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #26 on: December 15, 2011, 09:42:03 AM »
What's the Biblical basis for no sex outside marriage, anyway? I know about the whole "don't spill the seed" thing, but don't plenty of churches (besides us Papists) have no problem with things like condom use?

I don't really understand your question.  Or the "whole 'don't spill the seed' thing," for that matter.
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Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #27 on: December 15, 2011, 09:57:28 AM »
I just looked it up. I was remembering these:

Quote
Gen 38:8-10 ESV Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." (9) But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. (10) And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also.

Quote
Lev 15:16-18 ESV "If a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water and be unclean until the evening. (17) And every garment and every skin on which the semen comes shall be washed with water and be unclean until the evening. (18) If a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them shall bathe themselves in water and be unclean until the evening.

Lev 15:32 ESV This is the law for him who has a discharge and for him who has an emission of semen, becoming unclean thereby;

As far as my question goes... is it really that unclear?

What's the Biblical basis for forbidding sex outside marriage? I'm not playing the fool here-- I genuinely don't know. I know most churches consider it wrong, and I personally understand why it might not be a good idea, but I can't think of a passage that actually says, "thou shalt not have sex outside the institution of marriage" or anything like that. The only thing that remotely comes to mind are some of Paul's ravings about sex being evil but less so if it's controlled within wedlock.

Offline bosk1

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #28 on: December 15, 2011, 10:32:42 AM »
Not sure what the verses above have to do with anything.  But:

What's the Biblical basis for forbidding sex outside marriage? I'm not playing the fool here-- I genuinely don't know. I know most churches consider it wrong, and I personally understand why it might not be a good idea, but I can't think of a passage that actually says, "thou shalt not have sex outside the institution of marriage" or anything like that. The only thing that remotely comes to mind are some of Paul's ravings about sex being evil but less so if it's controlled within wedlock.

When you say "what is the biblical basis" I'm not sure whether you are asking where the Bible says that sex outside marriage is sin, or if you are asking whether the Bible says why it is.  That's where I'm unclear.  As to where, here are the ones off the top of my head that say that fornication, homosexuality, and/or adultery (which, as far as I can tell, pretty much have it covered when it comes to sex outside marriage) are sin:  Matt 15:18-20, Mark 7:21, Rom 1: 21-32, 1 Cor 6:8-10, 2 Cor 12:20-21, Gal 5:18-20, Eph 5:2-6, Col 3:4-6, 1 Tim 1:9-11, Heb 13:3-5, Rev 21:5-8.

You will notice that a lot of those passages are Paul's writings.  However, he does not anywhere say that "sex is evil, but it is less evil if in marriage."  Nothing of the sort.  He (like Jesus) only condemns sex as a sin outside of marriage.
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Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #29 on: December 15, 2011, 10:36:37 AM »
Yeah, I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone's beliefs, but I've always thought that the "no sex before marriage" thing was kind of misguided.  Sex is a huge part of a healthy marriage and to go into a life-long commitment not knowing if you and your partner are 100% compatible, in my view, is......unwise.

Offline obscure

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #30 on: December 15, 2011, 10:47:27 AM »
I'm with Kirk....


also sex is key to happiness... it is already in the equation.... hard to dismiss it... at least for some....

Offline Durg

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #31 on: December 15, 2011, 10:52:10 AM »
I saved myself for my wedding night because of my faith.  I was 27.  I had girlfriends that would have gone along with sex in high school and college if I had pushed it, but I was committed to staying a virgin.  Even though my wife had already been married previously (twice in fact), I was able to give her a gift that was very special on our wedding night.  My virginity.  Of course then she had to teach me what to do but that was the fun part.   ;D

We're still happily married 14 years later and still committed to spending the rest of our lives together for better and for worse.  I'm proof that you don't have to have sex before marriage for it to be successful. 

One way that I look at it is if you can fall in love with someone and be willing to live with them the rest of your life without the emotional bond of sex, then it will more than likely work.  The love with be more based on compatibility rather than physical attachments and false feelings of emotional bonds. 

Of course faith plays a HUGE role in our marriage and that is the core that keeps us together.  But I can say for certain that I knew exactly who I was marrying and she was my best friend.  We're still best friends.  Sex before becoming best friends would have likely hindered building that best friend aspect of our relationship.
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Offline antigoon

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #32 on: December 15, 2011, 10:55:25 AM »
Sex before becoming best friends would have likely hindered building that best friend aspect of our relationship.
Why?

Offline bosk1

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #33 on: December 15, 2011, 10:59:39 AM »
Sex is a huge part of a healthy marriage

also sex is key to happiness...

I couldn't agree more.  And, for what it's worth, the Biblical view is also in complete agreement.  The only disagreement is with when it is to occur.  Frankly, I don't understand the whole "you need to make sure you're compatible in that department" argument.  Um...IMO, if you don't feel you are compatible with someone in that department, (1) I think you're doing it wrong, (2) it's not hard to learn to get compatible, and (3) I think you're doing it wrong.  Also, I think you're doing it wrong.  And as Durg mentioned, the learning is a lot of the fun.  :)
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Offline Durg

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Re: How much "sex" before marriage?
« Reply #34 on: December 15, 2011, 11:14:47 AM »
Sex before becoming best friends would have likely hindered building that best friend aspect of our relationship.
Why?

Because the relationship would have become focused on the sex and not on learning about who we REALLY are.  Once the sex starts the emotional bonds are so overwhelming (as God intended it) that it becomes hard to see logically that, for example, I may not be able to live with this person the rest of my life (even though the sex it great). 

Of course this is all theory for me since I didn't go about it this way.  But beauty fades and passion wanes and if you don't already love them then the relationship is going to get exposed when things get tough.  And they always do.

When I was young, it was described to me like this:

Building a relationship is like building a tower of blocks (think Jenga).  As the relationship grows the blocks become stacked up higher and wider.  Sex then is the glue that is poured on top of it all to hold it together.  It's the icing on the cake so to speak. 

Furthermore, if the relationship fails the blocks have to be broken apart.  But since there is dried glue, the edges are jagged and doesn't fit together as well to new blocks.  They just don't stack up right. 

I've used this analogy to help me view sex in a more mature way then just wanting to get my rocks off cause she's hot.
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