The addictions thread

[lonestar]

Anytime bud.

[gmillerdrake]

For those of you that have overcome an addiction and have stayed free of it a for the long term, what do you do when you feel the "call" and urges for the thing you were addicted to?

Does it ever go away?

Like RJ said……I don’t think it ever goes away. And I too battle myself with thinking that “for sure now after all this time I could moderate myself and handle a drink or two……or, smoke a joint here and there without then wanting to do it all the time”

This June will be 15 years for me and all I’ve learned is that I cannot allow myself to become complacent and think I got this whipped…..no matter what I think. I didn’t use AA or anything like that to quit…..what I did was I sought counseling for the things I was using the alcohol and weed to numb and drown out. Once I did that the ‘urge’ so to speak subsided greatly……but unfortunately for me my ‘all or nothing’ personality trait did not. So, I simply can’t allow myself to touch it.

I don’t put myself in situations that may be tough to navigate with the weed smoking and I use my faith and family to remind myself of why I stopped if ever a tough time hits.

[TAC]

I appreciate you guys putting it out there for anyone reading that may need some help.

[wolfking]

I appreciate you guys putting it out there for anyone reading that may need some help.

Shows their character and also how they have been able to manage themselves through it all.  Being able to recognise and accept and take the steps in beating the addictions, extraordinary and commendable, both of you. 

[lonestar]

I appreciate you guys putting it out there for anyone reading that may need some help.

It's part of the process...by showing others who are struggling that long, satisfying sobriety is an option, we may be able to make that crack that a normal person who just says "man, you need to get your shit together" can't. People relate to how I drank first, then they see how I'm recovered and ask how I did it. I've had numerous DTF members past and present reach out to me who were struggling, a few who are still sober to this day, just as I reached out to another sober DTFer when I hit my breaking point.

Addiction is generational, and so is recovery.

[Harmony]

Can I ask your opinion/observations about people in recovery and relationships?

Scenario - My daughter, early 20s, has been in an on-again/off-again relationship with a man who is in his late 20s.  Nice guy.  Has been clean and sober since 2015.  She doesn't know all the details of his addiction but it was severe - methamphetamines or opiates for many years.

They have tried to have a friends with benefits relationship and she has recently confessed to him that she feels more.  She wants a relationship with him.  He very thoughtfully and gently told her that if he could, he would.  She is 'everything he'd ever want' in a woman and he doesn't want to lose her friendship but he just cannot give her what she wants/needs and he feels very badly about it.  She is understandably heartbroken but is also respectful of the fact that he is being honest with her.

She is not 100% sure that his recovery commitment is a reason why he can't be in a relationship but I suspect that is a huge part of it.  What you said earlier about working hard at your sobriety or else you'd be working hard at a relapse, really felt like where he is at.  And I can respect that too.

I know in my contacts with others in recovery that in general relationships are frowned upon for at least 1-2 years.  But this guy is now 8 years sober.  Is this typical?  Unusual?

I mean, it really doesn't sound like he's feeding her a line.  Like I said, they've known each other for 2 years now.

[lonestar]

I obviously can't speak for him not knowing his story, but for me, a good deal of my inability to be in relationships (I've had two in sobriety, both didn't work out, and I currently am not even looking) is a combination of my sense of self worth, in that my levels of inadequacy make me feel i can't offer much to someone else. Also, for me, my anxiety shoots through the roof in a relationship process, especially when the physical aspect is involved. I'm positive a great deal of that is still me working through some severe childhood crap that makes it so hard for me to separate physical and emotional intimacy when it comes to a relationship.

We each have our own stories, and I think him being so open and honest about where he's at in his speaks volumes to how healthy his recovery is. I'd gather a less healthy person would let their selfish impulses take over and basically take the other person as an emotional hostage instead of considering their well being first. Guy sounds like he actually has a pretty solid program running, hopefully he can grow into a person that can offer himself more fully in time.


Laying off dating for the first year or so is always advised, don't want to bring in any unwanted triggers if not necessary.

[Harmony]

I obviously can't speak for him not knowing his story, but for me, a good deal of my inability to be in relationships (I've had two in sobriety, both didn't work out, and I currently am not even looking) is a combination of my sense of self worth, in that my levels of inadequacy make me feel i can't offer much to someone else. Also, for me, my anxiety shoots through the roof in a relationship process, especially when the physical aspect is involved. I'm positive a great deal of that is still me working through some severe childhood crap that makes it so hard for me to separate physical and emotional intimacy when it comes to a relationship.

We each have our own stories, and I think him being so open and honest about where he's at in his speaks volumes to how healthy his recovery is. I'd gather a less healthy person would let their selfish impulses take over and basically take the other person as an emotional hostage instead of considering their well being first. Guy sounds like he actually has a pretty solid program running, hopefully he can grow into a person that can offer himself more fully in time.


Laying off dating for the first year or so is always advised, don't want to bring in any unwanted triggers if not necessary.

I totally agree.  She isn't going to wait on him and so it is hard for her right now.  But my motherly advice was not to bolt the door shut.  Nobody knows where they will both be in a year or 2 or 5.  He needs to figure out what he wants out of HIS life.  Whether or not that includes her remains to be seen.  Probably not.  But maybe they can at least be friends one day.

Thanks for your insight.  It is hard to see your child grieving and heartbroken.  But she will be fine.

[TAC]

She is lucky he was honest with her. He thought enough of her and himself to be so. That doesn't make her feel all better I know, but it is something that she can take solace in.

[wolfking]

Difficult situation.  Now she's confessed her love for him and he's knocked her back, it may be tricky for them to at least remain friends like they were, but hopefully they can and you never know, he might change his mind.  I've been through this myself and one person sharing feelings ultimately changed and pretty much killed the friendship.  Things aren't ever quite the same in my experience but if they were friends with benefits, that may make it easier or harder.  At least she can take comfort that she put it out there and that he was honest too, it's a hard thing to do, for both of them.

[lonestar]

She is lucky he was honest with her. He thought enough of her and himself to be so. That doesn't make her feel all better I know, but it is something that she can take solace in.

I'd say he's doing it out of self preservation more than anything else. Granted I'm projecting my own emotions here, but there's a sense of guilt and shame in engaging in shady behaviors for anyone, some more than others. Those things are magnified exponentially in recovery because we have so much shit baggage we're already carrying, and there's a certain trepidation and fear about adding anymore. That shame/guilt leads to resentment, which leads  us to a spiritual place where a relapse can seem like a logical solution. I totally get where this guy is coming from, and can even hear his sponsor telling him "unless you want to die alone, you gotta take a chance someday man...", but that fear of going back is tremendous, sometimes strong enough where the peace of living 'just good enough' can hold us back from living to the fullest.

Not sure if that makes sense outside of my head 

[TAC]

She is lucky he was honest with her. He thought enough of her and himself to be so. That doesn't make her feel all better I know, but it is something that she can take solace in.

I'd say he's doing it out of self preservation more than anything else.

Oh yeah, I would agree, but I was thinking of it from her POV in trying to find a positive.

But maybe knowing that it may be best for him may also comfort her as well.

[lonestar]

She is lucky he was honest with her. He thought enough of her and himself to be so. That doesn't make her feel all better I know, but it is something that she can take solace in.

I'd say he's doing it out of self preservation more than anything else.

Oh yeah, I would agree, but I was thinking of it from her POV in trying to find a positive.

But maybe knowing that it may be best for him may also comfort her as well.

It just might, I do feel for her, and can understand her place in this story as well. I'm very impressed with his honesty though, even in the rooms of recovery, shitty men are a dime a dozen, so to have one that's on the other side of the spectrum is quite impressive.

[Harmony]

Thanks guys.  She definitely appreciates his honesty and it is a bit of solace that he said very kind things to her and about her and said that he hoped they could remain friends but he understood if she could not.

It is just difficult knowing intellectually what you have to do (say goodbye) when your heart is telling you that this guy is a really good guy who would be worth fighting for in any other circumstance.  But she doesn't want to be that woman - who sticks around hoping that he'll be able to be 'the one' when he is saying he cannot be.  There is just no way to make it work out.  She deserves someone who can give her what she needs and he just isn't that guy.  It sucks.

[lonestar]

Yeah, it does suck, but it sounds like everyone involved is doing all the right things to make the best possible outcome. We've all seen situations like this become horrifically toxic and ugly.

[Harmony]

Oh yes - I asked her to think about how it might be if he were to essentially cave in and take the risk and then he spiraled out of control and relapsed.  I mean...she think she's hurting now.... 

She's a smart woman.  She gets it.  But my heart hurts for both of them.  I feel bad for him too, TBH.  Imagine being 8 years into sobriety and still not being willing to chance being in a healthy relationship with someone you really care about. 

[lonestar]

Oh yes - I asked her to think about how it might be if he were to essentially cave in and take the risk and then he spiraled out of control and relapsed.  I mean...she think she's hurting now.... 

She's a smart woman.  She gets it.  But my heart hurts for both of them.  I feel bad for him too, TBH.  Imagine being 8 years into sobriety and still not being willing to chance being in a healthy relationship with someone you really care about.

I'm almost 12 years into sobriety and still have tremendous anxiety around healthy relationships, I definitely get it. It's actually really common, there's so much deep trauma involved in our pasts that some just can't fully reconcile, but we also realize the weight of it can't be the burden of others anymore

[Harmony]

Oh yes - I asked her to think about how it might be if he were to essentially cave in and take the risk and then he spiraled out of control and relapsed.  I mean...she think she's hurting now.... 

She's a smart woman.  She gets it.  But my heart hurts for both of them.  I feel bad for him too, TBH.  Imagine being 8 years into sobriety and still not being willing to chance being in a healthy relationship with someone you really care about.

I'm almost 12 years into sobriety and still have tremendous anxiety around healthy relationships, I definitely get it.

I feel for you.  I hope you are getting some help with that.  I'm not sure if addiction recovery help does much focus on intimate relationships and overcoming anxiety but working with a good therapist on those things could make a huge difference.   

[lonestar]

12 years 

Thank you all for being the best distraction a frantic mind could have.

[King Postwhore]

  x infinity RJ.

[Zydar]

That's awesome, RJ 

[axeman90210]

Congrats chef

[jingle.boy]

12 years 

Thank you all for being the best distraction a frantic mind could have.

Thank you for putting in the work and effort to be here.  Don’t know what I’d do without ya, bro

[Stadler]

12 years 

Thank you all for being the best distraction a frantic mind could have.

Congratulations!  I take a lot of inspiration from your story, man, and I mean that sincerely.   

[Adami]

Proud of you, son.

[gmillerdrake]

12 years 

Thank you all for being the best distraction a frantic mind could have.

Congrats RJ! Great accomplishment……way to stay strong and focused through the years.

[Cool Chris]

Did not realize it's the equivalent of my elder daughter's age. Puts it in to some perspective for me. 

[lonestar]

Did not realize it's the equivalent of my elder daughter's age. Puts it in to some perspective for me. 

My grand nephew was born five days into my sobriety, so he's always a good marker of how far I've come along.



I can't express the importance of this community enough, it really gave me a safe place to bounce around my crazy mind while I learned to navigate the world sober, a task that's quite difficult as any addict will tell you. A good deal of the growth I've shown in the last 12 years was with your guidance, and as a whole this community is about as good as people can get. 

[TAC]

Amen, Brother!

[wolfking]

12 years 

Thank you all for being the best distraction a frantic mind could have.

That's a wonderful achievement mate, you should be very proud of yourself.  Here's to the next 12!!

[Harmony]

Well done.  Having that kind of accomplishment must feel amazing. 

[Ruba]

I've juggled about posting here for some time, but now I feel like I have to open up a little.

I've been sober for five months now. I've never been a binge drinker, but used to get drunk usually two times a week for few years. Even that amount wrecked my health, I gained a fair bit of weight and got some alarming news in the fall of 2020 when a doctor called me about my blood test results which showed that my liver AFOS/ALAT levels were three times over the limit values. I remember how she said that I only have one liver. I seriously cut down my drinking by that point and often went couple of months sober during fall/winter, but began drinking again once the summer holiday begun.

I had thought about quitting for good for some time and even managed to do it for short times, but I finally made the solemn decision to quit altogether early this year. Nothing particular happened, I just really felt that this shit has lost its luster years ago and also my hangovers kept getting worse, basically I felt the negatives outweighed the positives so much that it wasn't worth bothering anymore.

I already knew then in January that winter is the easy bit, I'm busy with school so I hadn't really had any time to drink and consequently nurse hangovers. The summer was going to be the real test. I've been struggling with temptation a little for few weeks, but today I felt first time like I can't deal with it anymore and even went outside with the intention of cycling to a liquor store. I guess the fresh air finally got me to my senses and I got back inside. I felt I'd be giving in too easy if I fell at the first real hurdle, even though I know that relapses happen, although I feel there's not enough talk about them. I'll live to fight another day now. Thank goodness I don't live any closer to any store that sells alcohol.

I've generally have been striving for healthier lifestyle now. I have been exercising for almost two years now and have lost 30 lbs, I think 10 more can go. I eat less junk food and snacks less and when I do, often healthier snacks. The hole alcohol has left in my life is hard to fill though. I drink a lot of soda, I guess that's a vice of its own, but a lot less dangerous one. But in general I feel much better and lighter now, although I struggle with constant tiredness.

There's one thing that inspired me when I was quitting. I'm not sure about it, but I think I was hungover from the last time I got drunk when I saw a short video Rob Halford made about celebrating his 37th year sober. He also gave some words of encouragement to people who were just beginning their journey with sobriety and I thought that it would be really cool if I'd be sober for 37 years some day. 36 and half still to go, but I'm getting there hopefully.

[jingle.boy]

Good for you man - on your victory today, and 5 months sober.   

[lonestar]

Nice man...alcohol, especially in larger quantities is absolutely horrible for our health, both physically and mentally, and probably the best thing you can do for your health is just avoid the shit.

I just passed 12 years sober, and though my bottom was a good deal more severe (10 days in the ICU, almost dying from withdrawals coupled with pancreatitis), there's no written rule that you have to fall that far to make a lifestyle change, you can get off at any floor.

My little bit of advice, pay attention to your moods, if you find yourself getting consistently restless, irritable, and discontented, you may want to seek some help with the process. There's no shame in seeking help, and it's readily available. I've been an active part of AA for my whole sobriety, as have Halford, Portnoy, and SRV up till he passed away, and it has been a boon to my recovery. Alcohol, as the song and the book Alcoholics Anonymous, is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and it will do whatever it can to worm it's way back into our mind.


Good luck man, and please feel free to reach out to me if you need to, my PMs here are always open.

[Ruba]

Thank you for your kind words. 

Nice man...alcohol, especially in larger quantities is absolutely horrible for our health, both physically and mentally, and probably the best thing you can do for your health is just avoid the shit.

I am pretty sure that I could occasionally just have a few beers with mates with no trouble, but I find that it would light a fuse to a proverbial powder keg that would lead me getting blackout drunk. So I find it's better not to indulge at all.

I just passed 12 years sober, and though my bottom was a good deal more severe (10 days in the ICU, almost dying from withdrawals coupled with pancreatitis), there's no written rule that you have to fall that far to make a lifestyle change, you can get off at any floor.

First of all, congratulations on your milestone! That sounds absolutely terrifying, I'm glad you're still here to tell the tale.

My father has said that things are never so bad that you cannot make them even worse by drinking. His father and two of his siblings were alcoholics, so I think he knows what he is talking about.

My little bit of advice, pay attention to your moods, if you find yourself getting consistently restless, irritable, and discontented, you may want to seek some help with the process. There's no shame in seeking help, and it's readily available. I've been an active part of AA for my whole sobriety, as have Halford, Portnoy, and SRV up till he passed away, and it has been a boon to my recovery. Alcohol, as the song and the book Alcoholics Anonymous, is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and it will do whatever it can to worm it's way back into our mind.

I personally am not a big fan of the religion/spirituality part of the AA, but I doubt attending to a meeting would pledge me to anything. I am introverted and don't like talking about my personal life so I have an issue about keeping things inside. I have however told my friends about my decision to quit and they have been very supportive. Even opening up in this thread helped me a lot getting my head in the right space and I feel much better now. 

Thank you for your advice friend, all the best.