The addictions thread

[TAC]

I remember being so mad at myself in the dream for giving in and falling off the wagon that when I woke up I was teary eyed and relieved that it was just a dream.

I don't have any advice I could give you, but my thought is that I would read this sentence to myself every day.


Also, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think you made a great decision by not going to the lake. Your kids are depending on you.

[gmillerdrake]

I can't imagine what that's like for you Gary.  My heart goes out to you; but I take some faith that you have identified the issue and can deal with it honestly.

I appreciate it Bill....and honestly I don't want to make it seem like this is worse than it is because I have a great support system with my wife and kids....just seeing them everyday gives me the inspiration to remain strong. It's just been weird because after all this time this has been the most I've battled stopping the drinking and smoking weed. I'd have thought 12-13 years ago would have been the hardest stretch. Maybe it was and I just can't remember it well? Don't know....but if anything it helps to have one more outlet to at least type it out and 'vent' a bit.

I remember being so mad at myself in the dream for giving in and falling off the wagon that when I woke up I was teary eyed and relieved that it was just a dream.

I don't have any advice I could give you, but my thought is that I would read this sentence to myself every day.


Also, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think you made a great decision by not going to the lake. Your kids are depending on you.

Thanks Tim. Indeed on the bolded....they're a tremendous source of strength.

[lonestar]

Ten years in and I still get drinking /using dreams, and they're realistic every fucking time. Not sure if you have a recovery fellowship around you, if not maybe build one to keep a foot grounded, you never know which stressor will be the one that makes it ok to have just one drink. I always tell my sponsees, if you aren't working on recovery, you're working on a relapse. You know the physical side of it, there's no changing that body chemistry, and from everything I've seen relapses are much worse with long term sobriety.

Feel free to hit me up anytime if you want to bud. 

[gmillerdrake]

Not sure if you have a recovery fellowship around you, if not maybe build one to keep a foot grounded, you never know which stressor will be the one that makes it ok to have just one drink. I always tell my sponsees, if you aren't working on recovery, you're working on a relapse. You know the physical side of it, there's no changing that body chemistry, and from everything I've seen relapses are much worse with long term sobriety.

Feel free to hit me up anytime if you want to bud. 

I really appreciate it RJ and I just might. I've been doing the sobriety thing with no real recovery fellowship other than my close family, but no one who's gone through or going through it like an AA group or anything. We do have a 'Celebrate Recovery' group at my church but I've never attended.

Ten years in and I still get drinking /using dreams, and they're realistic every fucking time.

I've had a handful over the years and it's creepy how 'real' they are. Like even last night just experiencing the sensation of being wasted....not being able to walk or talk straight....it was so strange.

[jingle.boy]

Thank god you got such a strong head on your shoulders.  I can't begin to imagine how many people (I'm sure the % is rather high) do give in.  RJ's certainly got more wisdom for you in this arena, but Tim/Joe/I are more fun to talk to about hockey   Whatsapp me whenever.

[TAC]

Thank god you got such a strong head on your shoulders.  I can't begin to imagine how many people (I'm sure the % is rather high) do give in.  RJ's certainly got more wisdom for you in this arena, but Tim/Joe/I are more fun to talk to about hockey   Whatsapp me whenever.

What a sap?

[gmillerdrake]

  I can't begin to imagine how many people (I'm sure the % is rather high) do give in. 

On our recent vacation we were visiting friends of which....the husband.....has been 'sober' for 10 years. We were in his garage talking and he begins to tell me how he will have an edible now and then and I just thought to myself there is no way I could do that. I know me and I am full bore which is why I just can't have a beer or two here and there or smoke a joint on occasion. I WISH I had the capability of shutting it down after a drink or two or a joint.....but I never have had that ability. Like I said....no 'off' switch at all. 

But hearing him say that right in the midst of this mental battle I've been going through wasn't the best thing for the addict in me to hear. It was just something I was trying to use to reason with myself on why it'd be ok to eat an edible on occasion.

I don't feel like I'm even close to 'giving in' but like I said....this is the most difficult little stretch of time and battle I've had in my sobriety. I know from a story that Barry shared years ago, from what RJ is saying and just from hearing/reading other examples that even though I may not 'feel' like I'm close or anything that there is an addict inside of me seemingly biding his time ready to pounce and I just need to endure this little rough patch and tell that F'r to shut the F up

[lonestar]

Not sure if you have a recovery fellowship around you, if not maybe build one to keep a foot grounded, you never know which stressor will be the one that makes it ok to have just one drink. I always tell my sponsees, if you aren't working on recovery, you're working on a relapse. You know the physical side of it, there's no changing that body chemistry, and from everything I've seen relapses are much worse with long term sobriety.

Feel free to hit me up anytime if you want to bud. 

I really appreciate it RJ and I just might. I've been doing the sobriety thing with no real recovery fellowship other than my close family, but no one who's gone through or going through it like an AA group or anything. We do have a 'Celebrate Recovery' group at my church but I've never attended.

Ten years in and I still get drinking /using dreams, and they're realistic every fucking time.

I've had a handful over the years and it's creepy how 'real' they are. Like even last night just experiencing the sensation of being wasted....not being able to walk or talk straight....it was so strange.

My brother does Celebrate, it's basically modeled over the AA program, just with a specific emphasis on Christianity (I've even spoken at it a few times, which is strange since I try to distance my program from formal religions). This would be a great thing to look into, the biggest growth in my program comes not just from working steps with a sponsor, but moreso leading sponsees through them, it's amazing how our own shortcomings become so glaringly obvious when we see them in others and try to help them grow through it.

  I can't begin to imagine how many people (I'm sure the % is rather high) do give in. 

On our recent vacation we were visiting friends of which....the husband.....has been 'sober' for 10 years. We were in his garage talking and he begins to tell me how he will have an edible now and then and I just thought to myself there is no way I could do that. I know me and I am full bore which is why I just can't have a beer or two here and there or smoke a joint on occasion. I WISH I had the capability of shutting it down after a drink or two or a joint.....but I never have had that ability. Like I said....no 'off' switch at all. 

But hearing him say that right in the midst of this mental battle I've been going through wasn't the best thing for the addict in me to hear. It was just something I was trying to use to reason with myself on why it'd be ok to eat an edible on occasion.

I don't feel like I'm even close to 'giving in' but like I said....this is the most difficult little stretch of time and battle I've had in my sobriety. I know from a story that Barry shared years ago, from what RJ is saying and just from hearing/reading other examples that even though I may not 'feel' like I'm close or anything that there is an addict inside of me seemingly biding his time ready to pounce and I just need to endure this little rough patch and tell that F'r to shut the F up

Yeah, there's a huge difference between not drinking and being fully clean and sober. For me, one who is not drinking but performing marijuana maintenance, still is looking for a chemical solution to a mental and spiritual problem. My goal, and that of the fellowships, is to find that spiritual solution.

[gmillerdrake]

Not sure if you have a recovery fellowship around you, if not maybe build one to keep a foot grounded, you never know which stressor will be the one that makes it ok to have just one drink. I always tell my sponsees, if you aren't working on recovery, you're working on a relapse. You know the physical side of it, there's no changing that body chemistry, and from everything I've seen relapses are much worse with long term sobriety.

Feel free to hit me up anytime if you want to bud. 

I really appreciate it RJ and I just might. I've been doing the sobriety thing with no real recovery fellowship other than my close family, but no one who's gone through or going through it like an AA group or anything. We do have a 'Celebrate Recovery' group at my church but I've never attended.

Ten years in and I still get drinking /using dreams, and they're realistic every fucking time.

I've had a handful over the years and it's creepy how 'real' they are. Like even last night just experiencing the sensation of being wasted....not being able to walk or talk straight....it was so strange.

My brother does Celebrate, it's basically modeled over the AA program, just with a specific emphasis on Christianity (I've even spoken at it a few times, which is strange since I try to distance my program from formal religions). This would be a great thing to look into, the biggest growth in my program comes not just from working steps with a sponsor, but moreso leading sponsees through them, it's amazing how our own shortcomings become so glaringly obvious when we see them in others and try to help them grow through it.

  I can't begin to imagine how many people (I'm sure the % is rather high) do give in. 

On our recent vacation we were visiting friends of which....the husband.....has been 'sober' for 10 years. We were in his garage talking and he begins to tell me how he will have an edible now and then and I just thought to myself there is no way I could do that. I know me and I am full bore which is why I just can't have a beer or two here and there or smoke a joint on occasion. I WISH I had the capability of shutting it down after a drink or two or a joint.....but I never have had that ability. Like I said....no 'off' switch at all. 

But hearing him say that right in the midst of this mental battle I've been going through wasn't the best thing for the addict in me to hear. It was just something I was trying to use to reason with myself on why it'd be ok to eat an edible on occasion.

I don't feel like I'm even close to 'giving in' but like I said....this is the most difficult little stretch of time and battle I've had in my sobriety. I know from a story that Barry shared years ago, from what RJ is saying and just from hearing/reading other examples that even though I may not 'feel' like I'm close or anything that there is an addict inside of me seemingly biding his time ready to pounce and I just need to endure this little rough patch and tell that F'r to shut the F up

Yeah, there's a huge difference between not drinking and being fully clean and sober. For me, one who is not drinking but performing marijuana maintenance, still is looking for a chemical solution to a mental and spiritual problem. My goal, and that of the fellowships, is to find that spiritual solution.

Appreciate the insight RJ....I know the Pastor who runs the program pretty well. I'm going to reach out to him and look into joining up. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and convince myself I can keep essentially going it alone and then find myself stoned or drunk one night full of regret.

[lonestar]

Yeah, one tiny mistake could cost you everything, literally. It's worth your life, your family, your etc etc etc to utilize whatever resources at hand to control the deadly disease we both are afflicted with. Plus, the intangibles of doing the work of recovery are tremendous on their own, I can guarantee that. Nothing could've prepared me for picking up a sponsee at day 6 in a rehab center, still with the shakes and beaten up from the DUI accident that drove him to recovery, and working him through the process to the point where I was able to see him get his wife back, his car and license, secure his job, and start working with men of his own. But mostly, seeing that despondency leave him, seeing the light of his soul flicker back into existence, nothing will prepare you for that joy.

[KevShmev]

Gary, I do not have much to add (I could never be a motivational speaker), but I will echo the positive thoughts of others here. 

[King Postwhore]

Gary, always good to talk to someone. I'm always here for you.

[Adami]

Whatever happens, we love you man.

[lonestar]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

[jingle.boy]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

And your pocketbook benefitted as much as your lungs. 

[Adami]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

At the same time?

[Dave_Manchester]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

Congrats man. April 5th 2014 was my last cigarette, having smoked heavily (at least a pack of Marlboro reds a day) for the preceding 12 years. It was very tough - I had to resort to those pills that make you retch if you smoke - but I can honestly say I don't miss it at all. So happy to be free of that horrible, horrible habit.

[Chino]

I bought a total of 3 packs since May of last year (also a heavy Marb Red smoker), one of which came in the final few days of 2021. That pack in particular... it had been about 2.5-3 months since my last drag. The first cig tasted so disgusting. I actually didn't finish it and changed my shirt because it smelled so terrible. I still finished the pack by the end of the weekend though. The brain is weird.

My GF's mom died kind of unexpectedly a week before Christmas and a few days before vacation we had been looking forward to for a few months. We still went on the trip, but it was tough. I feel selfish saying this... but it was exhausting. Being the only crutch (not complaining) for 8 straight days did a number on me. It was freaking exhausting and it just beat me down. After the 6 hour drive home and having a minute to myself for the first time in over a week, all I wanted was a cig. I just wanted to sit on my porch/sunroom and such one down in solitude. I hadn't craved one for months, but something about that weak just defeated me.

[lonestar]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

At the same time?

I chainsmoked two, then handed my pack to my roommate.

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

Congrats man. April 5th 2014 was my last cigarette, having smoked heavily (at least a pack of Marlboro reds a day) for the preceding 12 years. It was very tough - I had to resort to those pills that make you retch if you smoke - but I can honestly say I don't miss it at all. So happy to be free of that horrible, horrible habit.

Nice.. I was up to 2 packs a day, lights, for about 20 years. I was just done though, used the patch, but deep down I knew that was it. A good friend of mine, heavy smoker, had a stroke the previous month that left him half paralyzed and that was it for me. He died of a subsequent stroke a few months later.

[Adami]

Hmmm, don't like the image of you chain smoking two.

Instead I'll imagine you doing two at the same time and having an internal race to see which one finishes first.

[gmillerdrake]

At this time of the morning, 7 years ago, I stepped outside to have my last two cigarettes.

Congrats man. April 5th 2014 was my last cigarette, having smoked heavily (at least a pack of Marlboro reds a day) for the preceding 12 years. It was very tough - I had to resort to those pills that make you retch if you smoke - but I can honestly say I don't miss it at all. So happy to be free of that horrible, horrible habit.

Nice work RJ and Dave! Nicotine is a mutha     

My last nicotine ingestion was right before midnight the night of July 31st 2002. I was 26 years old and on my birthday in January I had the realization I had been chewing tobacco since I was 14 and smoking since I was 16 and that nicotine had been in my system for 12 years!  I told myself I was going to go cold turkey on the anniversary of my rattlesnake bite which was August 1st. I hammered nicotine hard that half a year then that final night I had a cheek full of Red Man.....Lip full of Kodiak and was smoking a KOOL Menthol    Midnight hit and I spit out the chew and dip and took the last drag and haven't touched tobacco since.

[Stadler]

I smoked for about 40 minutes in high school, but it made my throat burn so I never followed through on it. I know this, though:  my dad was a pack a day guy until he got sick back when I was around 7 or 8 and he and mom quit cold turkey.  Fast forward to about 2010, I'm in Philly sitting on the stoop with my then wife who lit up a cigarette.  My dad was standing on the sidewalk staring at her and I said "Dad, what's wrong?"  He says, "Man, it's been 35 years and I can taste that cigarette like I'm smoking it myself."   I don't know myself, but it seems to me that you never really lose the urge.

[lonestar]

I still love the smell. At my last job I'd sit with the other smokers and just inhale the goodness.

[gmillerdrake]

My first love was chewing tobacco. I only smoked socially in my teens and when I started working in restaurants it was just easier to grab a cig than throw a chew in....especially waiting tables.

[Chino]

Are "packing a lip" and "chewing tobacco" the same thing? I looooove packing lips. I haven't done it in about 7 or 8 years, but that's by far my favorite way to enjoy nicotine.

[Stadler]

I still love the smell. At my last job I'd sit with the other smokers and just inhale the goodness.

Believe it or not, so do I.  When we lived in Philly, you couldn't smoke in the bar (with a few exceptions) but you could go outside and stand on the sidewalk.  I would always go with my ex-wife, even though I didn't smoke myself, just to hang. I love that smell while it's fresh.

[gmillerdrake]

Are "packing a lip" and "chewing tobacco" the same thing? I looooove packing lips. I haven't done it in about 7 or 8 years, but that's by far my favorite way to enjoy nicotine.

So the big leaf chewing tobacco (Red Man, Levi Garrett etc etc) is the cut you'd throw a big wad into the side cheek and chew on it. The small fine cut like Kodiak or Coppenhagen is the cut you'd pinch a bit of and throw in your bottom lip. I think that's the kind you'd have packed a lip with.

I did both. Kodiak was easier to conceal when in high school so I leaned towards that. But the Red Man Golden Blend was good to throw in if you wanted to chew for an hour or so. It lasted a while.

[jingle.boy]

I was a teenage smoker.  Quite on my 20th birthday (for 3 months), then quit again in the summer of '93.  Smokes were $6/pack, I'd just finished 1st year Uni, didn't have a job, and didn't have any money.  I spent a month weaning myself off.  Everytime I had that craving for a drag, I'd take a sip of water instead.  I was pissing like a racehorse that summer.  By the time I went back to school, I was done with smoking.  I'd bum a few drags here and there, but I remember one time at the school bar, I did so and it tasted like the ass-end of a skunk.  Never had a desire after that.

There was a phase in highschool where a bunch of use were pinching Kodiak.  I never took to it too much... lasted about a couple of months.

[Stadler]

Kodiak went around my hockey team for a while.  It took one kid (not me) swallowing his wad on the bus and puking the entire way home, and another kid (maybe, maybe not me) swallowing the juice during the game and feeling like he was going to puke the entire game, and that fad died. 

[chknptpie]

Kodiak went around my hockey team for a while.  It took one kid (not me) swallowing his wad on the bus and puking the entire way home, and another kid (maybe, maybe not me) swallowing the juice during the game and feeling like he was going to puke the entire game, and that fad died.

We had guys that would spit their juice on the ice during games or open ice. Disgusting. I fall and slide on that shit mofos

[Cool Chris]

I have had some other addictions that caused me to leave some wreckage in my wake, but I am forever grateful I never picked up smoking.

[lonestar]

Eleven years

[TAC]

Awesome!!!!!!!!

[jingle.boy]

Eleven years

Except, you need a chef emot without a cig!

[lonestar]

Eleven years

Except, you need a chef emot without a cig!

I know, unfortunately sciopath isn't on the forum anymore lol