A Dramatic Review of Events (*updated)

[WildeSilas]

A year ago, the future of prog-metal gods Dream Theater was in doubt. Founding member, principal songwriter, vocalist, producer, t-shirt designer, tour manager, produce quality assurance manager, button sewer, visionary, and multi-instrumentalist, Mike Portnoy had not only steered the band through the shark-infested waters of prog-dom, but was also president of the band's record label, foster parent to the other band members, and generally accepted as creator of the known universe and all its subsidiaries. When he announced his departure to take over Avenged Sevenfold (a.k.a AX7, A7X, AVX7, AVII-F, and Those Fuckers Who Stole Mike Portnoy) and star as Bearded Smurf in last summer's hit Smurfs movie, most fans tore the liner notes to their CDs and spat on the autographed band pictures they paid upwards of $700 for at meet and greets. The horizon was darker than the bands last two album covers. "They're fucked," remarked Bill Bruford. "Look what happened to Yes after I left. Royally and truly fucked."

Much to fan's surprise, the gaping void left by Portnoy's departure was quickly filled by John Myung, reclusive bass player, who had clearly been waiting for his chance to rise up and take control. Testament to his prolific rise to power is Myung's fingerprints all over the band's new release A Dramatic Turn of Events. Myung returns to the fold writing not only 100% of the new lyrics and music, but also writing and singing on new albums by every artist released this Tuesday, prompting a statement from Anthrax: "What the hell, dude? You're not even in our band." "Dream Theater?" asked Lady Antebellum vocalist Hillary Scott,"Isn't that the new strip club over on 5th?" When confronted by vocalist James LaBrie about this power-grab, Myung responded by tackling LaBrie and crushing his recently healed esophagus while shouting, "Persuade THIS element, bitch!"

Fact is, A Dramatic Turn of Events signals the beginning of the end for Dream Theater. The songs reek of desperation, of a band trying hard to recapture their former glory by recycling the same tired cliches of a dying genre. Heavy metal riffs, melodic keyboards, soaring vocals, and technically astounding drumming. Yawn. The band continues to play long songs, solo constantly, write lyrics about deep subject matter, dress in black, and perform in front of large audiences. We've seen and heard all this before. One fan took to the internet to express his disgust: "They're actually using the same notes they've played on other albums. I mean, how many times is John Petrucci going to play an F#minor chord for chrissake? And don't get me started on Jordan Rudess. Hello, Jordan? We know your keyboard has at least  88 keys. Why have you only used 87 on the last 5 albums? I mean, back in the day Kevin Moore used all 88 keys and it helped define the band's sound! Even these songs sound like songs Dream Theater have played before! It's like they're the exact same band, only without Kevin Moore!"

The same except for the noticeable absence of Portnoy behind the drum kit, vocal mike, and in the light trusses above the stage, pulling at the marionette strings which even made it possible for the band to perform live or function as human beings. In lieu of Portnoy, the band opted to used the much lauded, new Mmm-Angini drum machine software (v. O-Face). Petrucci reportedly programmed the Angini to play all the drum parts for the new album, and the band went so far as to have a robotic mannequin fashioned to mime the studio parts onstage for the tour. Says Petrucci, "The Angini has more than met our expectations, and John Myung approves, which is really all that's important at this point. I don't want to piss that guy off. My only worry is that the robot has taken up smoking these terrible smelling cigars and it's really fogging up the bus. The second hand smoke has already reduced my body/mass index by 20%, which is making my guitars look too large when I hold them."

The lack of a real drummer shows itself in the band's heavy dependence on electronic drums – an unwelcome turn that may also be due to vocalist James LaBrie recording his vocals in Canada, home of popular acts like Celine Dion and k.d.Lang, both notorious for their overuse of electronic drums. LaBrie himself is sure to garner increased criticism from fans, as over the last few albums the vocalist has devolved to the point of using death metal growls, distorted vocals, and on this latest release, belching noises. LaBrie is clearly feeling the freedom of recording his own vocals without Portnoy's supervision, about whom LaBrie noted, "He's ugly. And his momma dresses him funny." Portnoy responded by starting a side project with Bruce Dickenson, Rob Halford, James Hetfeld, and Geoff Tate. "I've always wanted to work with these guys and all their bands suck now, so it seemed like the right time." The new project, titled simply "5" will feature no instrumentation, only unison vocals.

All in all, A Dramatic Turn of Events is a copy cat, churned out by a band past their prime. There comes a certain point where a band turns into a franchise because it contains none of the original members. With the absence of Moore, Chris Collins, and now Portnoy, the band is left with no options but to mimic past albums and take thinly veiled pot-shots at past members. Song titles like "Outcry," "Lost Not Forgotten," and, "Far From Heaven," do little to dissuade the listener that the album isn't a desperate cry to be put out of their misery.

Another dramatic turn came last week when Blabberface.com reported a lawsuit filed by Mike Portnoy against the band which read in part that he was "wrongfully excluded" from use of the band's forklift, and that the band members, were "wrongfully using the forklift in connection with their tour without the participation or consent of [Portnoy]." Apparently the forklift was purchased by Portnoy's deceased father who also named the forklift (Betsyjam) shortly after the band's first album when a dispute arose with another group who used an identical brand of forklift. Vocalist James LaBrie disagrees. "Arrgh, I discovered this forklift ere me own sweat 'n blood whilst diggin' fer treasure in me cave durin' that long-arsed wank-fest these lubbers call "Dance fer Eternity." Dance fer Virginity more like, arrrghhh. 'Ave you seen the ugly-arsed wussies at these shows? Argh! All they do is moan 'n complain 'bout the setlist, argh. Breakin' All Illusions my arse! I'll break yer kneecaps, ye scurvy dogs!" The rest of the band declined comment other than guitarist John Petrucci who lifted the forklift over his head with one arm and said, "Come get it if you want it, Portnoy!"

[Jaffa]

 

[Orion1967]

TWO WORDS!  FUCK + YOU! 

Reading this cause me to spew coca-cola(tm) all over my shirt and all over my keyboard... through my damn nose no less....  that shit burns like a son-of-a-bitch....


I'm suing....   

anyone know an attorney?




edit:  Best Thread Ever BTW LMFAO 

[senecadawg2]

Wow. I'm lost for words.

[Accelerando]

[7StringedBeast]

POTY

[blackngold29]

I have not laughed that hard for six months. No joke.


"Persuade THIS element, bitch!" 

[Elite]

Well done. 

[FiberglassMoon]

I completely agree with the OP


edit: wait maybe not

[KevShmev]

*golf clap*

Oh, and

[Implode]

[WindMaster]

Pure awesomeness. LMFAO

[mitalca35]

This, to me, is comedy gold.

[jonny108]

Fucking brilliant...Wow!!

[njdtfan]

    The awesomeness of this review is EPIC! I gotta share it with a few people LOL.

[VioletS16]

Holy crap 

[alirocker08]

Good sir, I applaud you.

[Liampie]

I pretty much agree with this.

[lonestar]

Fucking A man, fucking A.

[VioletS16]

Good sir, I applaud you.

Agreed...

[Jamesman42]

Pretty good, I chuckled a few times so that means you win.

Also, I like how it's not really a review until the last few sentences.

[Cranky]

Okay, I agree with the part about the electronic drums... I think they should have actually gotten a real drummer to record the songs in studio, and at LEAST tour with them. I can understand for the demos, but.. I will give that to you, it could have been JLB's influence, since a lot of Canadian artists use electronic drums.. That's all I agree with in your biased review.

But, seriously... What is your deal? The new DT album is incredible, they aren't "begging to be put out of their misery"
All those songs you listed are awesome, and do nothing BUT show us fans that they are back, stronger than ever!!





And, who cares if the robot drummer is smoking? It's his own damn personal choice.. Who cares!!

[Jaffa]

^ Not sure if serious. ^

[njdtfan]

Portnoy responded by starting a side project with Bruce Dickenson, Rob Halford, James Hetfeld, and Geoff Tate. "I've always wanted to work with these guys and all their bands suck now, so it seemed like the right time." The new project, titled simply "5" will feature no instrumentation, only unison vocals.

I am pretty positive I pissed myself 2 times while reading this part.

[nikostheater]

 
The best review ever!!

[Addy]

  + 

[Sketchy]

That amused me greatly. At the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was serious, but then I realised it wasn't...

... And as a result of this thread, I have a large grin attatched to my face, and I'm not sure how I'm meant to get the bastard off. It's like a parasite, twisting my mouth and making me... EXPRESS HAPPINESS! (No, seriously, that post was awesome.)

[jdprsaga]

 

[njdtfan]

Okay, I agree with the part about the electronic drums... I think they should have actually gotten a real drummer to record the songs in studio, and at LEAST tour with them. I can understand for the demos, but.. I will give that to you, it could have been JLB's influence, since a lot of Canadian artists use electronic drums.. That's all I agree with in your biased review.

But, seriously... What is your deal? The new DT album is incredible, they aren't "begging to be put out of their misery"
All those songs you listed are awesome, and do nothing BUT show us fans that they are back, stronger than ever!!



And, who cares if the robot drummer is smoking? It's his own damn personal choice.. Who cares!!

Uh the review is sarcasm at its upmost best. Kudos to the OP!!!

[Cranky]

Okay, I agree with the part about the electronic drums... I think they should have actually gotten a real drummer to record the songs in studio, and at LEAST tour with them. I can understand for the demos, but.. I will give that to you, it could have been JLB's influence, since a lot of Canadian artists use electronic drums.. That's all I agree with in your biased review.

But, seriously... What is your deal? The new DT album is incredible, they aren't "begging to be put out of their misery"
All those songs you listed are awesome, and do nothing BUT show us fans that they are back, stronger than ever!!



And, who cares if the robot drummer is smoking? It's his own damn personal choice.. Who cares!!

Uh the review is sarcasm at its upmost best. Kudos to the OP!!!

What's sarcasm?

[erciccio]

FANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTICAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[ReaPsTA]

Nice.

[Scooterfruit]

Amazing.....

[bosk1]

EDIT:  My bad.  There are SO MANY new posts on the DT side, I was skimming quickly and didn't realize it was a joke thread.  Made a couple of edits for just a thing or two that went a bit too far, but otherwise, it's fine.  Carry on.

[WildeSilas]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, boss. Figured after the last year, DT fans have definitely earned a few laughs. Thanks for the unlock.