1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
Yeah, ok, I'm down with this.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
Alright
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Fine. They're annoying, but tolerable.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
Hey, if you want to set a record for country with the highest rate of gun-related crimes and police brutality, be my guest. As for the cops and the military, pray tell, how do you intend to pay for that without a reasonable tax rate (yeah, didn't think that one through, did ya?)
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
Fine. Enjoy a dwindling resource, economic slavery to the oil-rich middle east and outrageous gasoline prices while we pioneer a cleaner alternative without your precious oil industrialists throwing up hyperbolic, short-sighted roadblocks.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
Not really a fan, but ok. If that's the case, can you guys take Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson and Darth Vad- er, I mean Dick Cheny? You should have fun with those sane, easy going guys, right?
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
Any money your citizens will save on taxes will be milked out of them by those heartless bastards, so go right ahead and see how that works out for you.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
Hey, maybe with the guys you mentioned in number 7 gone, these downtrodden souls will actually be able to make something of their futures after all. Lets do it!
9. We'll keep the Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
The cream of the crop, I'm sure. You can have 'em.
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
Seinfeld re-runs have taught me way more about life, anyways
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
With you guys gone, I cannot imagine any issue Iran and Palestine would have with us. As for "invading and hammering", good luck doing that with half the resources and no taxes to pay for the war.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
Not really sure we will even
have any "peace-niks and war protesters" with you and your ilk out of our hair. And who would want to be allies with a state like
yours, anyways?
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Yeah, you go have fun with that.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
Don't have a problem with the Muslims in my neighborhood, scientologists really don't bother anyone, and humanism can be annoying sometimes, but it's still a noble idea, and we need that sort of social conscience. PC is obnoxious, I'll give you that, but Shirley, really? Can't see whats so wrong with her. As for the UN, you can enjoy being the social pariah of the international community.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
Yeah, just use up all that oil a little bit faster so your whole economy and transportation industry crashes and burns sooner rather then later.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
Because countries with affordable heathcare have such a shortage of doctors, right?
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
Pay to live, huh? Well, when the bottom 99% of your population is sick and dying because they can't even afford basic treatments, don't come begging to us.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
Meh, whatever.
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
How about we get to make ours "Rock and Roll All Nite ( And Party Every Day!)" since we will still have the greater portion of the entertainment industry?
20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Yeah, 'cause Reaganomics had
absolutely nothing to do with the sorry state our economy is in now, right?
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Sweet!
We are now the United States of Awesome Bad-Asses (USABA)
Here's our flag:
And we don't need any historical baggage because our primary concern will be actually living like it's the 21st century, and not the early 19th
You know what, I think this is going to be a beautiful arrangement.