Chef Rant...

[lonestar]

Now, as a chef, I deal with a lot of people who don't know fine cuisine very well, and I am more than happy to answer their questions.  After all, my goal is to make sure they have a pleasurable dining experience.  But what ticks me off, especially here in the Peoples Republic of Berkeley, is hippie douchebags who ask stupid questions about the processing of the animals we buy dead, then season, cook over an open flame or in a vat of hot oil, and plate in an aesthetically pleasing manner.  Had one customer ask if our chicken was "humanely killed."  What?  You mean was it read a bedtime story before they electrocuted it, cut off its head, ripped off all of its feathers, and hung upside down so its blood could drain?  Really?!?!?!  Talk about first world problems.  IT"S FUCKING FOOD!!!!  YOUR SUPPOSED TO KILL IT AND EAT IT!!!!  I'm sure some starving dude in Africa could care less if we gang fucked the chicken in the ass before giving it to him, but some people, especially around Berkeley, have way too few real problems in life, and have to create conflict of their own.  "Is your beef hormone free?"(yes, people really ask this).  Um, yes, we managed to genetically create a mammal that needs no hormones to survive.  I'll give em the farmed salmon one, cause it taste like shit, but so many of these dumb fucking bleeding heart questions make me so upset, I just want to curl up under the covers and have a good cry.  Sorry if anyone is offended.  /chef rant

[MasterShakezula]

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

Dead animal is dead animal is dead animal, and all that matters to me is that it's getting cooked up and going through my digestive system.  I couldn't care less about the life it lived, though I thank it for being edible and delicious. 

[Bonham]

We live out in rural Vermont, and thankfully don't often deal with things like that in our restaurant. I will say, though, that every single fucking night, we get at least one table that's a bit ludicrous about their order. Ketchup with their mussels (that was a request last night), weird extra seasonings (what's the point of going out if you won't even take the food as it's supposed to be prepared?), and an inordinate percentage of people with "gluten allergies." I might understand we got one guy every once in a while who couldn't eat bread... But it's nearly every single night now. Somehow, in America, we've managed to make a fad out of a rare allergy. I know none of this is really related to hippie douchebags, but I think it cements my belief that everyone should work in the kitchen of a restaurant at least once in their lives. Just so really see how it makes the staff feel when you pull off pointless bullshit like that.

[MasterShakezula]

Gluten-non-tolerance is like the hip and swank disease of the current 3-month period, it seems?

[lonestar]

I totally agree on the gluten thing.  In the last five years, it has gone through the roof, to a point where we now have a "gluten safe"menu, and you're right, it is the hip thing to be allergic to.

And a pro-tip for all of you rookie diners, if you don't know what something is, ask.  Please, please,..........................Pleeeeaaaase don't pretend you know what the fuck your talking about in an attempt to not look stupid, call out the kitchen on the subject, get proven wrong, and look even stupider, not to mention making us cook you two dinners on a busy night because your not secure enough with yourself to face your own lack of knowledge.  It's ok not to know something, I've been cooking for over twenty years, and there is tons of shit I don't know.  ASK!!!  PLEASE!!!.  

[Sigz]

https://www.foodrenegade.com/the-rise-of-gluten-intolerance/

With diagnosis so difficult, it is not easy to estimate trends. Surveys suggest that 1 out of every 133 people in the general population is gluten intolerant. If so, in a school of 1,330 students, you might expect about 10 to require gluten-free diets.

If you are seeing an increase, it could be because parents whose kids have such symptoms may be experimenting with gluten-free diets. If their kids behave, learn and feel better on such diets, parents may conclude that their kids are gluten intolerant without bothering with invasive and expensive lab tests. But a more likely explanation for the increase is the recent improvement in diagnostic ability. Doctors are more aware of the problem and are testing for it.

[ZBomber]

I never heard of gluten-free/celiacs before my ex-girlfriend got it (yes, doctor tested). And then, after that, I started seeing it everywhere/hearing about a ton of people who have it. 

Gluten-free food is kind of gross though... or atleast what she had was.



And as for how an animal is killed.... meh, don't really care at all.

[Gadough]

meat tastes better if I knew the animals were tortured

[El Barto]

I always make sure to order sweetbreads, but only from an animal that's been worked over for 10 days by former Republican Guardsmen, skinned alive, and left to slowly suffer it's final hours in a cage half it's own size.  

[MetalManiac666]

don't give even the slightest shit.  people like that piss me off too.

[lonestar]

https://www.foodrenegade.com/the-rise-of-gluten-intolerance/

With diagnosis so difficult, it is not easy to estimate trends. Surveys suggest that 1 out of every 133 people in the general population is gluten intolerant. If so, in a school of 1,330 students, you might expect about 10 to require gluten-free diets.

If you are seeing an increase, it could be because parents whose kids have such symptoms may be experimenting with gluten-free diets. If their kids behave, learn and feel better on such diets, parents may conclude that their kids are gluten intolerant without bothering with invasive and expensive lab tests. But a more likely explanation for the increase is the recent improvement in diagnostic ability. Doctors are more aware of the problem and are testing for it.

Oh, now you want to be logical.  I'm trying to bitch, piss, moan, and fucking vent here, don't ruin my fun!!!

[wammabe]

I buy my own animals, softly pet them, give em a little kiss on the forehead, and then euthanize them. They feel no pain at all. That way, I'll eat happy animals, and if they're happy, I'm happy.

[MasterShakezula]

If the US was a true democracy, as opposed to a representative democracy, the 132 normal people woulda beat the shit outta that gluten-hating fool!

Also, as wammabe said, happy animals make for the best dead animals.

[Ravenheart]

Maybe the animals that are killed deserve it. Maybe the burger I ate the other day was grounded from the carcass of a cow that tried to steal my car without my knowledge.

[Fuzzboy]

i dont give a fuck how the cheeseburger gets to my plate, i just want it on my fucking plate


and a dr pepper, please.

[black_biff_stadler]

I always make sure to order sweetbreads, but only from an animal that's been worked over for 10 days by former Republican Guardsmen, skinned alive, and left to slowly suffer it's final hours in a cage half it's own size.  

This alone turned your joke to instant gold for me

give em a little kiss in the forehead

Good lord! How hard are you kissing it?!

[SystematicThought]

I read gang fucked and than looked at your avatar.

Anyways, I understand completely. People can be so weird about things. To them it sounds normal, but to everyone else, they sound completely stupid.

[Adami]

I totally understand, I usually ask my waiter if my vegetables were humanely grown.

[lonestar]

I totally understand, I usually ask my waiter if my vegetables were humanely grown.

Dont get me started on Berkeley vegans.

[Adami]

I totally understand, I usually ask my waiter if my vegetables were humanely grown.

Dont get me started on Berkeley vegans.

I will admit that even when I was a vegan (many years) I never wanted to be associated with other vegans, they are usually SOOOO annoying.

[JayOctavarium]

I totally understand, I usually ask my waiter if my vegetables were humanely grown.

Dont get me started on Berkeley vegans.

tell us more





im serious

[lonestar]

Sorry, Im not typong that much on my phone. Maybe tomorrow.

[lordxizor]

You should just come up with a canned response along the lines of "All of our animals are slaughtered by the methods endorsed by the USDA, I can't comment more specifically than that" or some bullshit like that. Not that that would appease some people, but dumb questions deserve a canned, generic response.

For those who want organic, artificial hormone-free, humanely grown animals, there are restaurants out there that specifically cater to that crowd. If a restaurant uses these products, in my experience they advertise it pretty heavily. It's safe to assume if it's not advertised on the menu, they use "standard" products.

[MasterShakezula]

Chipotle FTW!

[Implode]

I agree with the OP.

YOUR SUPPOSED TO KILL IT AND EAT IT!!!!  I'm sure some starving dude in Africa could care less if we gang fucked the chicken in the ass before giving it to him,

[alirocker08]

I only eat animals that I raised myself from birth, knowing that the mother of said animal had been on gas so she didn't feel any pain. Said animals are then treated to five star luxury in which they eat only the finest home grown produce including, but not limited to, roasted (organic) vegetables, boiled lobster, expertly prepared Belgian chocolate an meats of their choosing. The pampered animals are groomed, and free to roam about their luxury apartment and watch whatever they want. Normally the Jersey Shore.

But they don't appreciate what they have, they don't appreciate the fact that other animals would kill for that kind of life, free to roam about everywhere, eat whatever they want. They complain. They crap everywhere, all over the house, the furniture, the chefs, everywhere!

Every time I try this, I come to my wits end and brutally slaughter all of these selfish animals in the most painful way possible and send them to the crapped over chefs to cook.

It's delicious.

[MasterShakezula]

Are you rich or something?

[Hyperplex]

I believe that post was laced with sarcasm and a touch of ironic humor.

[MasterShakezula]

I hope so, because if it was serious, then I think that would of made ali the whitest person on the forum. 

[Jamesman42]

meat tastes better if I knew the animals were tortured

[LieLowTheWantedMan]

I only eat animals that I raised myself from birth, knowing that the mother of said animal had been on gas so she didn't feel any pain. Said animals are then treated to five star luxury in which they eat only the finest home grown produce including, but not limited to, roasted (organic) vegetables, boiled lobster, expertly prepared Belgian chocolate an meats of their choosing. The pampered animals are groomed, and free to roam about their luxury apartment and watch whatever they want. Normally the Jersey Shore.

But they don't appreciate what they have, they don't appreciate the fact that other animals would kill for that kind of life, free to roam about everywhere, eat whatever they want. They complain. They crap everywhere, all over the house, the furniture, the chefs, everywhere!

Every time I try this, I come to my wits end and brutally slaughter all of these selfish animals in the most painful way possible and send them to the crapped over chefs to cook.

It's delicious.

[Ryzee]

I know that some people, myself included sometimes, are concerned with how their food is prepared from a health standpoint, like trying to make sure you're putting as little unnatural shit into your body as possible.  But yeah, not really concerned with how happy my animal was during it's final hours or any crap like that.  I always say, "if God didn't want us to eat cows, why'd he make them out of steak?"  My wife has some hippy-ish tendencies, so from time to time she'll get on kicks where she thinks she wants to get cage-free eggs or what not, but once she sees her grocery bill and realizes the price difference then it's back to good ol' fashioned stacked on top of each other chicken products.

That brings me to another thing that I've always wondered, and this is half joke-rant but half serious question also:  why is cow meat "beef" or pig meat "pork" but chicken meat is just "chicken" and fish meat is just "fish."  I thought of this after taking my son to the aquarium one day then serving him salmon for dinner.  It was like "oooh all the pretty fishes!" and then "now your'e eating one!"  Why do we refer to some animal meat we eat by the animal's name and some we don't?  These are the important questions of life.

[jsem]

I hope so, because if it was serious, then I think that would of made ali the whitest person on the forum.  

Oh boy.


In all seriousness, I hear that animals that live the lives they're supposed to - like cows being able to eat grass and not corn like in the US, actually taste better. I cannot confirm this myself as I don't know the process of which the exact piece of meat ends up on my plate.

[MasterShakezula]

It's possible.  Chipotle only uses grass-fed beef, and it's delicious. 

[bosk1]

That brings me to another thing that I've always wondered, and this is half joke-rant but half serious question also:  why is cow meat "beef" or pig meat "pork" but chicken meat is just "chicken" and fish meat is just "fish."  I thought of this after taking my son to the aquarium one day then serving him salmon for dinner.  It was like "oooh all the pretty fishes!" and then "now your'e eating one!"  Why do we refer to some animal meat we eat by the animal's name and some we don't?  These are the important questions of life.

It's more or less an accident of the English language.  The words for beef and pork and anglicized versions of the French words for cow and pig.  Durign the period after the Normans were running things and French became the...lingua franca, some French words were adapted into English, and for things like beef and pork, since French were viewed as more "sophisticated," the French words became used to refer to the cuisine, and the English words became more the everyday words for the animals themselves.