Over the past few months, I've stepped away from the attempt to be a good Christian. I feel like it has been a somewhat fruitless attempt to live life. A lot of time, I felt like such a hypocrite when people would say "James is a good Christian man" or "He is a man of God." Uh, I dunno, it was weird hearing those things because I know I am not perfect (and I'm sure those people know that too, but still).
First things first, I have never, and will never, altered my personal behaviours and lifestyle to fit the ideals of a religion, and I generally believe that it is a poor choice to attempt to do so unless you very, very strongly believe that such changes are necessary for a betterment of the self, and not just because your religion says so. In my mind ( and I have been a pagan since I was about 12 or so, so bear that in mind when considering my point of view), it is much better to explore the multitude of belief systems out there and discover for yourself which one best suits you and your personal view of morality and spirituality, rather then trying to fit yourself into a predetermined set of theology and dogma, because chances are, you will feel like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole. Personally, I cannot feel justified in being a member of a religion unless really do believe in it's basic tenets and ethics, and it always made me feel very uncomfortable as a child growing up catholic when I knew I certainly did not agree with the vast majority of the dogma and practices of the church, let alone those of Christianity as a whole. Hypocrisy is something I absolutely cannot stand, least of all in myself, so I realized very early on in my life that it would be best for me to seek out a spiritual structure that better fit my world view. I understand your reluctance to disappoint those of your spiritual community, but your life is yours, no one else can tell you what you need to feel spiritually fulfilled and comfortable with your choice of faith.
So, in order to let things level out and not be such a burden in my mind and life, I let go of a lot of connections and hanging out with people within the Christian community. Not completely cut off, but mostly text messages and facebook chatter. A lot of them, quite frankly, are annoying on some level. Maybe it's just my personality and how, in real life, I tend to have a few close friends and a crapload of acquaintances. I allowed myself to be able to drink again without this sense of guilt within. Same with swearing, fapping, and other things in general. Pretty much stopped reading my Bible and praying.
As I said, one of the major reasons I never really felt comfortable with Christianity was because I didn't really buy into much of their practices and beliefs. I never saw was was so wrong with drinking, swearing, tattoos or sex. As far as I was concerned, that was all just part of the human experience. Why be here on this earth if we are not meant to enjoy it? I don't feel guilty about indulging my flesh, so long as I am responsible in my actions. The way I see it, it is better to give in to your animal side every now and again then to deny it entirely, and just letting all those feelings of lust and indulgence stew unfulfilled in the back of yout soul. In my mind, no good could come from that sort of self-denial.
As for my spiritual needs, I found that it is generally best to have a very pragmatic and utilitarian approach to faith. If you don't want to read the bible or pray to your God, then don't. You should only do such things when you actually
want to do so, not because feel you
need to do so because you faith compels it. I'm not much for ceremony and holidays, and I only pray and make sacrifices when I feel I need the assistance of the Gods at that particular time in my life. You should follow your instincts in these matters and fulfill your spiritual needs when you feel the time is right for them, rather then attempting to stuff yourself full of religion on a regular basis. That is the fastest way to get sick of religion, and it is the first step to loosing yourself spiritually altogether. I know some people who are really big into the pomp and circumstance many religions offer, and if it works for them, good. If it doesn't work for you, perhaps you should consider taking a more stripped down and practical approach to your faith.
As for reading spiritual texts, those fulfill two uses in my life. Firstly, I may, on occasion, read from some such texts (in my case, usually the Norse Eddas and Sagas) when I feel in need to spiritual guidance or inspiration, particularly when I am at a point in my life when I feel lost and confused. Most religions have some sort of parable or story that may help guide your through tough times in your life. The second reason, is because I genuinely enjoy reading those stories. I would not be comfortable with my choice of faith if I did not actually enjoy it. Religion doesn't have to be a chore. You should read your bible because you genuinely feel the desire to do so. If you don't, then don't force yourself. As I said above, forcing religion upon yourself will most likely drive you away from it. It that doesn't fit in with the views of your spiritual group, it doesn't matter. Take faith at your own pace, not that of others.
Also, I'm not sure where I stand as far as declaring a religion is concerned. I believe in God still, and that Jesus Christ was the Son of God. I dunno, I cannot shake that if I wanted to. But everything else, and I mean everything, is out of my mind. I just don't wanna think about it. I feel burned out on it. I feel like I don't need it. And currently I am enjoying life a lot.
Still, having said that, I have this sense of agnosticism propping up, questioning things. But maybe it's not agnosticism and I am being retarded calling it that. But I am starting to wonder if God really exists. Flirting with the idea I suppose.
Anywho, I wanted to post this here because there are some open-minded people (Christian and non-Christian alike) that I feel very keen to talking to and generally feel welcome to share things with. I guess anonymity helps, but the community on the whole is great for support/advice/general "being there for each other"-ness.
(There is more I could write but I don't feel like it)
I guess what I am getting at here in my whole post is that you should figure out what things are most important to
you in all matter spiritual, the things that are essential to your religious view of the world, and go from there. Find faith for yourself, and don't worry about falling in with the "wrong" one. From what you say, it sounds like you still at least believe in a heavenly father figure (which is nearly universal) and the divinity of Christ (which is distinctly Christian). Even among the multitude of Christian denominations, that gives you a lot of flexibility with discovering a doctrine that suits you. I encourage you to go find yours. And don't concern yourself with merely finding your destination. Enjoy the journey, and absorb as much as you can about the different faiths you sample along the way. I know my views are very different from yours, and I apologize if you have difficulty trying to relate to them, but I was attempting to parallel myself to you to demonstrate that sometimes the best thing to do is to just abandon any pretense of what is correct from a theological point of view, and just find what feels
right. Spirituality should be a thing of instinct, not conscious thought. You cannot change what you believe to be true. Just remember that religion is the the medium in which you connect to the divine, not divinity itself. It is a very human thing, and it is what you make of it, so make it your own!
Topic: A lot on my mind about God/religion (Read 19437 times)
