Ask a gay guy anything (about the gay experience)

[calmar]

I'm gay, and I saw some people in this thread say that it would be cool to have a gay chime in, so here I am. Ask away if you have any questions. 

[73109]

Did you choose to be gay? Or did you just go one day, "You know what, I think Imma gonna try this gay thing out."

[AcidLameLTE]

What do you think when you read some of the comments about how America is, apparently, sliding further into immorality due to it's growing acceptance of homosexuality?

[ClairvoyantCat]

Did you choose to be gay? Or did you just go one day, "You know what, I think Imma gonna try this gay thing out."

So you're asking "did you choose to be gay or did you choose to be gay"...?


I'd be more interested in knowing if you believe homosexuality to be a thing from birth or a choice.  I believe there was some disagreement over that earlier. 

[calmar]

Did you choose to be gay? Or did you just go one day, "You know what, I think Imma gonna try this gay thing out."

You DON'T, i repeat, you DO NOT choose to be gay, you just are. Honestly, why the fuck would someone CHOOSE to be gay ? I just don't really see any valid reason.

If you're straight, did you ever choose that you're gonna prefer women? Most probably not, if you had to choose and think about it then you're probably not 100% straight. I'm pretty sure all the closeted gay men who come out later in life, when they're married, have kids etc. always knew they were gay, they just wouldn't accept it, but it's something you just have to learn to accept and live with it, because you just can't change it. And trust me I tried lol.

Hope this answers your question!

[ClairvoyantCat]

Ah, good answer, and I'm with you.  I've never seen any possible reason supporting that homosexuality is a choice. 

[73109]

CC, I did phrase that question wrong.

And it totally answers my questiong calmar. Too bad that your account of things won't manage to convince some of the more die hard anti gay people around here. Don't worry, there aren't that many.

As for Acid's question, that is very interesting question indeed.

[calmar]

Did you choose to be gay? Or did you just go one day, "You know what, I think Imma gonna try this gay thing out."

So you're asking "did you choose to be gay or did you choose to be gay"...?


I'd be more interested in knowing if you believe homosexuality to be a thing from birth or a choice.  I believe there was some disagreement over that earlier. 

From birth. I had a pretty normal life/childhood, and from as far back as I can recall, I always prefered men over women, but of course when you're 4 or 5 y/o you don't really understand it, and you think it's just normal.

[calmar]

What do you think when you read some of the comments about how America is, apparently, sliding further into immorality due to it's growing acceptance of homosexuality?

I think it's just ridiculous and I honestly wonder why some people care so much about this non-issue. Live and let live. It's not affecting your life or anyone else's life, so why would you care ? People have been gay since the beginning of time, can we just accept it and move on to other, WAY more important issues ?

And I'm 100% atheist so I don't care about what the bible says or God or whatever so I won't comment on that.

[Super Dude]

I mean I had this friend (a girl), who said she might be becoming bi.  I asked her how she knew, and she told me that she had had moments where she saw girls and thought they were attractive.  She thought it was nothing but then noticed that it kept happening.

So actually on that note, generally my bi and gay friends tell me that discovering you're gay is sort of a gradual thing.  I have this friend who's the most hilariously flamboyant guy I've ever known, and he told me that in high school he had around a dozen girlfriends, and during the last couple is when he suspected he might be gay.  Was your experience like that, calmar, where it was sort of a gradual realization?

[Ben_Jamin]

Being Bi myself, its strange. I'll find a women attractive yet at the same time I'll find the man who walks by next just as attractive.

My question...Do you think it stems from your upbringing, like you were around women more and were shown women things more than a man and vice versa, that's why you turned out gay? Because I know people who say that's why they're that way. At times I can see what they mean yet its not realy the case.

[Cool Chris]

Hello and welcome, and thanks for the honesty.

Are there any aspects of the 'gay community' that you find you don't identify with? Or do you identify with it at all? I am thinking about the "I AM OUT AND I AM PROUD vocal members of the gay community that go out of their way to be vocal. I ask as I've heard from those who think people who draw that much (potentially negative) attention to the community do more harm than good.

[Zook]

Ask away if you have any questions. 

What's your favorite Dream Theater song?

[Perpetual Change]

Do you find it strange that people apparently still don't have any gay friends, and have to rely on an anonymous poster from the internet to let them know what gays are like?

I'm not knocking you, but the general cluelessness (sometimes alongside bitterness) toward gays I've seen in the world and even read on these forums from some members, to whom "gay people" means "a group of god-rejecting moral deviants from over there (I guess in "blue" states and near major cities ) who are trying to destroy the nation's values".

Being around gay people just seems to be a fact of life, these days. Or at least it is for me. I've got a handful of good friends who are gay, and have for awhile, so it's really hard for me to imagine that there are people out there who legitimately have never befriended or met any gays they could talk to, especially since everyone seems to have an opinion about them.

[Zook]

Do you find it strange that people apparently still don't have any gay friends, and have to rely on an anonymous poster from the internet to let them know what gays are like?

I'm not knocking you, but the general cluelessness (sometimes alongside bitterness) toward gays I've seen in the world and even read on these forums from some members, to whom "gay people" means "a group of god-rejecting moral deviants from over there (I guess in "blue" states and near major cities ) who are trying to destroy the nation's values".

Being around gay people just seems to be a fact of life, these days. Or at least it is for me. I've got a handful of good friends who are gay, and have for awhile, so it's really hard for me to imagine that there are people out there who legitimately have never befriended or met any gays they could talk to, especially since everyone seems to have an opinion about them.

I'm not a people person, nor am I good at making friends, so I've never had any gay friends, but it seems every time I encounter a gay guy it's those really annoying ones that act way too flamboyant, and I just feel awkward.

So my real question to the OP is: why do a lot of gay guys feel it necessary to act that way?

[Ben_Jamin]

I've met gay guys who you wouldn't know are gay unless you asked them, or they brought it up.

Yeah, I don't really mind those guys but the when they go all out angel wings and fairy is when the line is crossed for me, I don't enjoy that lifestyle I guess but some gays do and some don't and are usually real casual people who understand they're gay.

[AcidLameLTE]

Do you find it strange that people apparently still don't have any gay friends, and have to rely on an anonymous poster from the internet to let them know what gays are like?

I'm not knocking you, but the general cluelessness (sometimes alongside bitterness) toward gays I've seen in the world and even read on these forums from some members, to whom "gay people" means "a group of god-rejecting moral deviants from over there (I guess in "blue" states and near major cities ) who are trying to destroy the nation's values".

Being around gay people just seems to be a fact of life, these days. Or at least it is for me. I've got a handful of good friends who are gay, and have for awhile, so it's really hard for me to imagine that there are people out there who legitimately have never befriended or met any gays they could talk to, especially since everyone seems to have an opinion about them.

I have a (work) friend who is openly gay, I just don't ask him about his life.

[Ħ]

Do you think you have a different criteria for making friends than straight people?  I know there are stereotypes of gay people mostly having female friends, and that's mostly what I'm referring to.

[millahh]

What types of prejudice have you faced (if any)?  Assuming you're open about it, how did family/friends handle it when you told them?

[hefdaddy42]

Ask away if you have any questions. 

Are you a stereotypical flaming flamboyant effeminate gay guy?  Or you are a normal guy who is just gay?

[ZBomber]

Re: people not knowing any gay people in IRL. I can guarantee you EVERYONE here knows someone who is gay.  They just probably aren't OPENLY gay. Not every gay person out there wears rainbows or talks with a lisp, etc.

One of my roomates freshman year was openly gay. I never had any problem with him. He was a bit more emotional than most men, but that isn't really a negative thing. My whole suite even went with him to a gay bar once and people were extremely friendly. No one tried to make me feel uncomfortable and people were overly very nice. Plus it was nice to go to a place where there aren't a bunch of people who act/dress like douchebags for once.  He was the more stereotypical type of flamboyant gay. Didn't really dress flamboyantly, but his personality was very much so. I knew he was gay before he told me.

I also met one of my best friends online when I was 14. He told me a few months into our friendship he was gay. At first, I felt kind of weird about it. But I got over it in 10 seconds. He was the first (openly) gay person I met, and he isn't flamboyant at all. If anyone had an hour long conversation with hum, you wouldnt think he was gay at all. So I have a hard time understanding why people give a fuck at all about someone' sexual orientation. I've talked to him almost every day of my life the past 7 years and he is just a normal person. He doesn't do anything to hurt anyone, hes a good person, and I don't know why anyone would or should discriminate against him.

All in all, who cares if someone is gay? It doesn't affect you, unless you're in a relationship with that person. Gay men are usually even much more kind than straight men in my experience. They don't do ANYTHING to deserve the hate and inequality they receive from so many people.

(Interestingly enough, I don't think I have been friends with any openly gay women IRL. I've known a couple lesbians but I've never really been "friends" with any of them, more like acquaintances.)

[El Barto]

Related to Hef's question, do you consider yourself leaning towards masculine or feminine?  In other words, are you a guy who just digs other guys, or do you feel like a chick who happened to be born with a wang?  I figure that's a hard thing to figure out since you only have yourself as a frame of reference, but presumably you've interacted with enough people to have formed an opinion.

Do you find the prospect of getting it on with a lady revolting, or have circumstances given you some leeway in that regard?

[Jamesman42]

Does the thought of making out with a girl disgust you? Serious question, and I dunno if it sounds stupid to ask. I was just thinking that I would never make out with a guy because I myself am not gay and would find it disgusting, but just wondering if being gay is different because you like the same sex.

Also, welcome!

Edit: El Barto ninja!

[Adami]

I only have one question since I have a good amount of experience with the GLBT community.




Seriously.............what's the deal with Barbara Striesand?

[calmar]

Being Bi myself, its strange. I'll find a women attractive yet at the same time I'll find the man who walks by next just as attractive.

My question...Do you think it stems from your upbringing, like you were around women more and were shown women things more than a man and vice versa, that's why you turned out gay? Because I know people who say that's why they're that way. At times I can see what they mean yet its not realy the case.

Wow, didn't know someone made a new thread for this haha. To answer your question, I've had a pretty normal childhood and upbringing, so I'm not sure if this impacted on my sexual orientation in any way, but I can totally believe that it does for some people.

Hello and welcome, and thanks for the honesty.

Are there any aspects of the 'gay community' that you find you don't identify with? Or do you identify with it at all? I am thinking about the "I AM OUT AND I AM PROUD vocal members of the gay community that go out of their way to be vocal. I ask as I've heard from those who think people who draw that much (potentially negative) attention to the community do more harm than good.

Honestly, I don't really identify with the gay community at all. I never ever went to a gay bar, I don't really have a "gay lifestyle"... There are A LOT of gays who are like me, you just don't see them. You'd be surprised to know how many gay or bi people there is around you, they're just not open about it. And I agree with the fact that some gays attract a lot of negative attention towards the community. (community... I hate to use that word to describe teh geyz lol)

What's your favorite Dream Theater song?

Home.

Do you find it strange that people apparently still don't have any gay friends, and have to rely on an anonymous poster from the internet to let them know what gays are like?

I'm not knocking you, but the general cluelessness (sometimes alongside bitterness) toward gays I've seen in the world and even read on these forums from some members, to whom "gay people" means "a group of god-rejecting moral deviants from over there (I guess in "blue" states and near major cities ) who are trying to destroy the nation's values".

Being around gay people just seems to be a fact of life, these days. Or at least it is for me. I've got a handful of good friends who are gay, and have for awhile, so it's really hard for me to imagine that there are people out there who legitimately have never befriended or met any gays they could talk to, especially since everyone seems to have an opinion about them.

Yes, I think it's weird that some people claim they know absolutely nobody who's gay or bi. Of course it depends a lot on where you live, there are countries/regions that are way more open about it than others, but unless you know absolutely nobody, you probably know a gay/bi. You're just not aware that he is.

I'm not a people person, nor am I good at making friends, so I've never had any gay friends, but it seems every time I encounter a gay guy it's those really annoying ones that act way too flamboyant, and I just feel awkward.

So my real question to the OP is: why do a lot of gay guys feel it necessary to act that way?

You think every gay you encounter is a flamboyant one but it's not true, you just don't notice the more straight-looking ones.
I don't really know why the flamboyant gays are like this but I don't think they "act" like this, it's just who they are. But I don't consider myself flamboyant at all so I can't really comment on that.

[calmar]

Do you think you have a different criteria for making friends than straight people?  I know there are stereotypes of gay people mostly having female friends, and that's mostly what I'm referring to.

That's true, a lot of gays have a lot of female friends or other gay friends. Other mostly have straight friends. I think it depends on your overall life, your background, where you live, where you work, your lifestyle, etc. Personally, I think the more flamboyant ones get along better with females/gays than with straight people.

Also, when you're gay, the thing is... you will have crushes on your hot-looking straight friends. The same way straight guys can have crushes on their hot-looking female friends. I'm NOT saying that every gay guy wants to bang all of his friends. It's just that you have to be careful because it becomes easy to fuck up a relationship with your straight friend.

What types of prejudice have you faced (if any)?  Assuming you're open about it, how did family/friends handle it when you told them?

I've been very lucky, I've never faced any prejudice in my entire life. I think that might come from the fact that you wouldn't know I'm gay if I didn't told you, so the people I meet in my everyday life don't assume I'm gay. And the fact that I come from a very open country, where being gay is not really seen as "weird" or abnormal... Most people don't think anything of it, gays just exist. My family and friends took it very well when I came out. Everybody was surprised, but I never heard anyone say anything negative about it. Of course, it's not that easy for most gay people, like I said, I've been very lucky as of now.

Ask away if you have any questions.  

Are you a stereotypical flaming flamboyant effeminate gay guy?  Or you are a normal guy who is just gay?

I'm just a normal guy. I can safely say that before I came out, nobody suspected me of being gay. You probably wouldn't know if you saw me on the street, unless you had a very good gaydar lol. One negative thing about it is that most of the time, I have to let people know I'm interested in them first, otherwise they probably have no clue I'm gay unless they already know/someone told them.

Related to Hef's question, do you consider yourself leaning towards masculine or feminine?  In other words, are you a guy who just digs other guys, or do you feel like a chick who happened to be born with a wang?  

Definitely leaning towards masculine. I feel like a real guy inside, dress like a guy, act like a guy... I just happen to prefer other guys more than women. Otherwise I'm 100% normal lol.

Do you find the prospect of getting it on with a lady revolting, or have circumstances given you some leeway in that regard?

One could say I'm maybe 20% straight 80% gay. I've had girlfriends, had sex with ladies, liked it but didn'tt feel super exciting. In the right circumstances, I would do it again. Like, being a bit drunk, and with an exceptionally hot chick haha.
Personally, I don't think sexuality is black or white. i think it's more of a gray spectrum, where everyone falls somewhere in between, some more in the middle, some at one side or the other. The thing I've noticed since I've been "out" is that a lot, and I mean a whole f*cking LOT of people are kinda bi.
Most are not 100% bi so they'd like to be equally in a relationship with a male or a female, but a lot of people are somewhat curious sexually. Again, the fact that you can accept it and come to terms with those feelings depends a lot on where you come from, your upbringing, the people around you, your values, your religion...
Being openly gay and not really flamboyant, I've had a lot of guys talk to me about being curious and things like that... maybe they don't feel threatened when talking to someone who is a bit like them.

I only have one question since I have a good amount of experience with the GLBT community.




Seriously.............what's the deal with Barbara Striesand?

Haha, I don't know seriously. Never really listened to her. I prefer Celine Dion LOL. I know that's very gay, but understand that "prefer" doesn't mean "like" here.  

[Portrucci]

Great answers cal 

[El Barto]

Great answers cal 

I concur. 

[El JoNNo]

On average if you are aware of an average, what type of men are most homosexuals attracted to? For instance most heterosexuals are attracted to the slender and cute/pretty type female. Not to the more butch like possibly gruff female. Are the average attractions to the more masculine male or feminine.

   

[tjanuranus]

Are you religious at all or atheist?

[alirocker08]

Now I have a gay friend (the flamboyant type) who came out as being gay last year. Being in the 15 to 16 year old range, he got a lot of stick for it, not only from his friends but from a lot of guys who didn't know it. Now, do you get teased or looked down on by someone when they find out your gay, or do you think it's more of an age based thing, where people accept it more when you're a bit older?

[sneakyblueberry]

Not trolling or trying to be inappropriate, and you can ignore this if you want.  But is there any pleasure to be gained in 'receiving'?  I've had doctors stick their fingers all up in there and it totally does not feel good.

[hefdaddy42]

Are you religious at all or atheist?

I'm 100% atheist so I don't care about what the bible says or God or whatever so I won't comment on that.

[Super Dude]

Re: people not knowing any gay people in IRL. I can guarantee you EVERYONE here knows someone who is gay.  They just probably aren't OPENLY gay. Not every gay person out there wears rainbows or talks with a lisp, etc.

One of my roomates freshman year was openly gay. I never had any problem with him. He was a bit more emotional than most men, but that isn't really a negative thing. My whole suite even went with him to a gay bar once and people were extremely friendly. No one tried to make me feel uncomfortable and people were overly very nice. Plus it was nice to go to a place where there aren't a bunch of people who act/dress like douchebags for once.  He was the more stereotypical type of flamboyant gay. Didn't really dress flamboyantly, but his personality was very much so. I knew he was gay before he told me.

I also met one of my best friends online when I was 14. He told me a few months into our friendship he was gay. At first, I felt kind of weird about it. But I got over it in 10 seconds. He was the first (openly) gay person I met, and he isn't flamboyant at all. If anyone had an hour long conversation with hum, you wouldnt think he was gay at all. So I have a hard time understanding why people give a fuck at all about someone' sexual orientation. I've talked to him almost every day of my life the past 7 years and he is just a normal person. He doesn't do anything to hurt anyone, hes a good person, and I don't know why anyone would or should discriminate against him.

All in all, who cares if someone is gay? It doesn't affect you, unless you're in a relationship with that person. Gay men are usually even much more kind than straight men in my experience. They don't do ANYTHING to deserve the hate and inequality they receive from so many people.

(Interestingly enough, I don't think I have been friends with any openly gay women IRL. I've known a couple lesbians but I've never really been "friends" with any of them, more like acquaintances.)

I have a good number of gay friends myself, I'm just not sure what constitutes an appropriate question so I resort to asking a gay guy on a Dream Theater forum.

[calmar]

On average if you are aware of an average, what type of men are most homosexuals attracted to? For instance most heterosexuals are attracted to the slender and cute/pretty type female. Not to the more butch like possibly gruff female. Are the average attractions to the more masculine male or feminine.

Everyone has different tastes, some prefer the more girly type but the vast majority of gays I know prefer the more masculine guys. Personally, I'm not interested in guys who look gay, it's kind of a turn off honestly. I'm gay for a reason right ? 

Now I have a gay friend (the flamboyant type) who came out as being gay last year. Being in the 15 to 16 year old range, he got a lot of stick for it, not only from his friends but from a lot of guys who didn't know it. Now, do you get teased or looked down on by someone when they find out your gay, or do you think it's more of an age based thing, where people accept it more when you're a bit older?

Again, depends entirely on where you're from. Everyone I know has been very accepting and open about it. I think the younger generations are getting more accepting than older people too.

Not trolling or trying to be inappropriate, and you can ignore this if you want.  But is there any pleasure to be gained in 'receiving'?  I've had doctors stick their fingers all up in there and it totally does not feel good.

Well, I personally don't like "receiving", and a lot of gays are like this too, but from what I've "heard", yeah, there is some pleasure to be had when you're hmm... reveiving. Depends on how it's done I guess ? Again, I'm not the best guy to answer this question.