Looking for Serious Advice about a Girl....

[brakkum]

Ok, so I was dating this girl, we broke up, but then slowly started to see each other again, but nothing official. Then, I had a friend pass away, and got very depressed, and when I'm depressed I tend to go into a shell and ignore the outside world. While doing this I was stupid enough to block her out and stop talking to her because of my insecurities and depression. Then she went out of town for job training and days later slept with some random guy, who was borderline abusive. She tells me this and I feel like I've been punched in the heart, and I know it's my fault. But she claims it is her fault for being self-destructive when she is depressed (aka when i stopped talking to her), and wants me to forgive and move on and get back together. I honestly cannot decided what to do. I have feelings for her still but I feel betrayed in a way, even though I know my lack of judgement caused all of this in the first place.
Sorry to gush my issues but I'm so lost on what to do and think anymore.

[xShammas]

I've gone through sort of a similar thing recently, but I don't really have any solid advice yet. You can PM me if you want to talk.

[ZBomber]

First of all, it's NOT your fault she slept with someone. Maybe pushing her out wasn't the best idea, but she made the choice that she did, not you.

If you care about her, then try to work through it. If you want to that is.

Sorry, I don't really have any experience with something like this so I couldn't help much more...

[TheMadgician]

Honestly, I'd say you have every right to feel betrayed. You were together, even if not in a fully official, it's pretty much a bitch for her to go out and fuck some other dude.

And even if you are actually capable of forgiving and getting back together. Chances are it's going to be nagging the back of your mind constantly. And you'll probably be wary every time she goes out/hangs out with other guys.

[sonatafanica]

Wow, what a bitch.


I wish I could deal with depression by fucking random people.

[xShammas]

This may be the most awful thing you'll go through. At least for a while.

[Kura]

If she could go off and sleep with another guy just over  few days imagine if you got into a bigger fight further down in your relationship. I just personally could never trust a person who deals with their problems like that again. But that's just my personal opinion (I don't know your whole situation/ feelings.) Perhaps I'm just really conservative but I think your body should only be shared with someone you know, love, and trust wholeheartedly.

P.S. It's not your fault. She was the one who dealt with the situation by sleeping with another guy. She's bad news. (and was she even tested afterwards?)

[reneranucci]

It will be almost impossible to carry on with the relationship without feeling hurt and remembering what she did, and you'll probably still feel guilty/anxious/sad and have mixed feelings about her and her company. So I'd suggest you to really think if you can get over everything and have a fresh start or not.

Just remember that she's not the only girl for you, and that sometimes we have to overcome the fear of being lonely for a while.

[j]

You can forgive her without getting back into a relationship with her, which is what I would advise based on this limited information.  She's responsible for her actions, not you.

-J

[RandalGraves]

You can forgive her without getting back into a relationship with her, which is what I would advise based on this limited information.  She's responsible for her actions, not you.

-J

This is good advice.  From what I can tell, you guys weren't together and she fucked someone else.  It may hurt now, but in retrospect she didn't do anything wrong.  You'll get over it.

[LeeHarveyKennedy]

Self-destructive.

Seriously, that's all I got from that post. I get that you probably have feelings for her, and no doubt they're reciprocated, but can you find me a single word in that post that sounds like a positive basis for a relationship?

I may not be getting the whole story, but it sounds like, to me, that you two primarily want to get together to make the loneliness go away. That's natural, and it's easy, but it's not healthy, and you're only going to be worse off when this thing implodes (And take my word for it, it will).

On a side note, and I'm sure this will prove completely unrelated to my main point, but why did you two break up in the first place?

[wolfking]

Ok, so I was dating this girl, we broke up, but then slowly started to see each other again, but nothing official. Then, I had a friend pass away, and got very depressed, and when I'm depressed I tend to go into a shell and ignore the outside world. While doing this I was stupid enough to block her out and stop talking to her because of my insecurities and depression. Then she went out of town for job training and days later slept with some random guy, who was borderline abusive. She tells me this and I feel like I've been punched in the heart, and I know it's my fault. But she claims it is her fault for being self-destructive when she is depressed (aka when i stopped talking to her), and wants me to forgive and move on and get back together. I honestly cannot decided what to do. I have feelings for her still but I feel betrayed in a way, even though I know my lack of judgement caused all of this in the first place.
Sorry to gush my issues but I'm so lost on what to do and think anymore.

I went through something very similar with a girl and it was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with so I really feel for you.  This girl slept with someone and even know I would have died for her, something did change and I cut her out of my life.  She tried to make a mends, but I just couldn't have a bar of her.   I'm happy with my partner now, but honestly I still think about her from time to time.

You need to go with your heart.  Even though you were depressed, why would she go and sleep with some random guy, seems a little insensitive to your situation and feelings.  You need to listen to your heart and you'll make the right decision.  If you want her out of your life, don't trick yourself otherwise, or else you'll suffer in the long run, and make it hard down the track.

[nightmare_cinema]

She sounds immature and selfish, if you were depressed and she knew it and she cared about you/loved you, she'd be focused on trying to help you and be there for you as best as she could, not sleeping with a randomer. She didn't really do anything 'wrong' as you weren't together, but you have a deeper insight into her character now so it's upto you what you do with that information.

If you do decide to get back with her, expect that you won't ever fully get over her sleeping with this other guy, expect it to bother you periodically and it to cause arguments/jealousy etc. Don't get back together unless you feel you can work really hard to put it behind you as it's not fair on either of you to get back together and you to hold it against her.

[YtseBitsySpider]

I can't see it working ever again.
Men are so visual.
Hard to put those random images of what she did out of your mind.
At least it was for me in a similar situation.

move on in life

[lordxizor]

I'd work on getting yourself in a better position emotionally before you consider taking her back. Sounds like both of you are somewhat depressed. I don't think that's a good situation to restart your relationship in. See a counselor, start working out, find a new hobby, take some classes... just do somethig to kick youself out of this funk that doesn't involve getting back with this girl. If a few months down the road you're both feeling better and are still interested in getting back together, then explore that option.

[El Barto]

I certainly don't commend her for her coping skills, but I don't see how she did anything specifically hurtful to you.  You blocked her out.  That's not to say that it's your fault by any means, but I don't see that this needs any blame, anywhere. 

And lots of people cope with the mental image of their SO banging somebody else.  Not automatically the end of the game. 

I don't see how this needs to be a deal breaker.  Whether or not you feel inclined to move forward with her is a complicated thing that you need to sort out, but the effect of this shouldn't be the determining factor. 

[Logical Nightmare]

I certainly don't commend her for her coping skills, but I don't see how she did anything specifically hurtful to you.  You blocked her out.  That's not to say that it's your fault by any means, but I don't see that this needs any blame, anywhere. 

And lots of people cope with the mental image of their SO banging somebody else.  Not automatically the end of the game. 

I don't see how this needs to be a deal breaker.  Whether or not you feel inclined to move forward with her is a complicated thing that you need to sort out, but the effect of this shouldn't be the determining factor. 

I agree with this. I don't see what's so horrible about it - no, what she did wasn't a good thing to do, but it wasn't an unspeakable crime either. I'd say you maybe wait for a time and get more sure of what you feel, and go for her if you really like her.

But hell, this is the "girl who's not very serious about fidelity." I think everyone deserves a second chance. I wouldn't exactly feel good about my boyfriend cheating on me, but I wouldn't regard it as something very serious until the second time it happened. Everybody make mistakes sometimes - if it was me, I'd like a second chance; and so I'd give one. But most people seem to think that this opinion is stupid and crazy, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.

[Chino]

While I don't approve what she did, you can't really get mad at her... She didn't do it with negative intentions toward you. I see this with my friends all the time. They date someone and break up. Later on when the girl hooks up with someone else, they get all pissed off.

started to see each other again, but nothing official.

If it is not official, it's nothing more than friends with benefits. Had you guys still been dating, I would say kick her to the curb. Because this is a situation where no real loyalty was broken, the ball is in your court. One piece of advice I can give from past experience... If you don't see a future working, get her out of your life completely. It's not worth the frustration and the depression trying to keep them as a friend.

[TL]

If you guys were at all together in any way when she slept with that other guy, it's over.
Move on, you deserve better.

[jsem]

How many replies and no one has stated the obvious?

Stick it in her pooper

[Chino]

How many replies and no one has stated the obvious?

Stick it in her pooper

Maybe because it said "serious" in the thread title...

[sonatafanica]

I certainly don't commend her for her coping skills, but I don't see how she did anything specifically hurtful to you.  You blocked her out.  That's not to say that it's your fault by any means, but I don't see that this needs any blame, anywhere. 

And lots of people cope with the mental image of their SO banging somebody else.  Not automatically the end of the game. 

I don't see how this needs to be a deal breaker.  Whether or not you feel inclined to move forward with her is a complicated thing that you need to sort out, but the effect of this shouldn't be the determining factor. 

I agree with this. I don't see what's so horrible about it - no, what she did wasn't a good thing to do, but it wasn't an unspeakable crime either. I'd say you maybe wait for a time and get more sure of what you feel, and go for her if you really like her.

But hell, this is the "girl who's not very serious about fidelity." I think everyone deserves a second chance. I wouldn't exactly feel good about my boyfriend cheating on me, but I wouldn't regard it as something very serious until the second time it happened. Everybody make mistakes sometimes - if it was me, I'd like a second chance; and so I'd give one. But most people seem to think that this opinion is stupid and crazy, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.

I, for one, support your beliefs on infidelity

by the way when is your boyfriend going to be out of town

[jsem]

How many replies and no one has stated the obvious?

Stick it in her pooper

Maybe because it said "serious" in the thread title...

Oh yeah, missed that


Seriously: I second Logical Nightmares views on second chance.

[Kura]

I certainly don't commend her for her coping skills, but I don't see how she did anything specifically hurtful to you.  You blocked her out.  That's not to say that it's your fault by any means, but I don't see that this needs any blame, anywhere. 

And lots of people cope with the mental image of their SO banging somebody else.  Not automatically the end of the game. 

I don't see how this needs to be a deal breaker.  Whether or not you feel inclined to move forward with her is a complicated thing that you need to sort out, but the effect of this shouldn't be the determining factor. 

I agree with this. I don't see what's so horrible about it - no, what she did wasn't a good thing to do, but it wasn't an unspeakable crime either. I'd say you maybe wait for a time and get more sure of what you feel, and go for her if you really like her.

But hell, this is the "girl who's not very serious about fidelity." I think everyone deserves a second chance. I wouldn't exactly feel good about my boyfriend cheating on me, but I wouldn't regard it as something very serious until the second time it happened. Everybody make mistakes sometimes - if it was me, I'd like a second chance; and so I'd give one. But most people seem to think that this opinion is stupid and crazy, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.

I, for one, support your beliefs on infidelity

by the way when is your boyfriend going to be out of town

"Infidelity" and "open relationship" are two different things. Perhaps you can discuss that with your partners if you want, but it doesn't seem like brakkum shares that same viewpoint with relationships.

[Logical Nightmare]

I, for one, support your beliefs on infidelity

by the way when is your boyfriend going to be out of town

Well, when can you get hold of Daniel Gildenlöw?

"Infidelity" and "open relationship" are two different things. Perhaps you can discuss that with your partners if you want, but it doesn't seem like brakkum shares that same viewpoint with relationships.

When did we mention open relationships? I wouldn't be very mad with my boyfriend if he cheated on me, but it's not like I want him to. Second chance and open relationships are too not the same thing. (Or maybe you referred to Chris' joke?)

[Kura]

I, for one, support your beliefs on infidelity

by the way when is your boyfriend going to be out of town

Well, when can you get hold of Daniel Gildenlöw?

"Infidelity" and "open relationship" are two different things. Perhaps you can discuss that with your partners if you want, but it doesn't seem like brakkum shares that same viewpoint with relationships.

When did we mention open relationships? I wouldn't be very mad with my boyfriend if he cheated on me, but it's not like I want him to. Second chance and open relationships are too not the same thing. (Or maybe you referred to Chris' joke?)

._. Having an open relationship is not considered cheating by agreeing partners, though.. you said you weren't all that serious on fidelity and I thought I might as well mention open-relationships is all. I understand it's not the same thing as a second chance. I have a cousin and her fiancee who are in an open relationship (don't know how that's gonna work once they're married) but it doesn't mean I'm all for it- it was merely a comment. (I actually am really strict on fidelity, but that's just my personal view.)

[LearningToLive]

I think that just the fact that you're questioning the decision provides your answer. Seems to me like it's a relationship that is doomed no matter what.