This is probably the worst 'professional' music review I've ever read

[Sigz]

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/8104-lateralus/

Tool - Lateralus - 1.9/10

Eric Partridge's Dictionary of the Underworld (1998 NTC/Contemporary Publishing), a lexicon of 19th Century street slang, defines the idiom "pitch the fork" as "to tell a pitiful tale." The term appeared printed in 1863 in Story of a Lancashire Thief:

"Brummagem Joe, a cove ["fellow" or "dude," if you will] as could patter or pitch the fork with anyone."

At last, the secret motivation of my schtick and the etymology behind our name can be revealed. These reviews have been less critique than loquacious concept reviews by an entertaining tramp. So you'd think an 80-minute opus by Tool would be right up our alley. You'd be wrong.

Undertow, Tool's 1993 debut LP, took studio skill and over-trained chops to metal with aplomb. It was Rush Sabbath. As emotional, melodic metal goes (the cultural impact of which will be left to the reader), it opened doors for bands like the Deftones, and to some degree, Limp Bizkit. However, Tool have always possessed a latent understanding of absurdity and comedy; their videos look like Tim Burton stop-motion, goth Primus.

But with popularity and praise, Tool's shadowy tongue-in-cheek turned into the simple biting of tongues. \xC6nema spiced their sound with electronics and industry, as was the trend at the time. Now, with the early new century demanding "opuses," Tool follows suit. The problem is, Tool defines "opus" as taking their "defining element" (wanking sludge) and stretching it out to the maximum digital capacity of a compact disc.

Dictionary of the Underworld also offers several definitions for "tool," including: "a small boy used to creep through windows," "to steal from women's pockets," and "to loaf, to idle, to do nothing in particular." All of which oddly strike the nail on the head in relation to Lateralus.

And now, the obligatory pitching of the fork.

* * *

My Summer Vacation, by Crispin Fubert, Ms. Higgins' Eng. Comp. 901

I believe that music comes and goes in cycles, and some of us are lucky enough to ride the crests. The men in my family are perfect examples of this. Initially, I thought that perfect music appeared every 16 years, which is also the number of years between Fubert generations. My dad was born in 1971. In that year, landmark albums were released. They were Nursery Crime by Genesis (the first with Phil Collins), Yes Album by Yes, Aqualung by Jethro Tull, and In the Land of Grey and Pink by Caravan.

My grandfather skipped out on Vietnam-- because Jimi Hendrix himself told him to-- and he moved to Canterbury, which is in the United England. There, he got married to my grandmother, who used to sell baked goods to people at concerts, and they had my dad. After the war, they moved back with a box of awesome records like the ones I mentioned. I think it was cosmic or fate or something that my dad was born the same exact day Chrysalis released Aqualung, in March of 1971.

Jump ahead 16 years later and my dad got this girl pregnant, who turned out to be my mom. It was 1987 and a whole bunch of lame dance music was ruling the world, like Hitler or Jesus or something. But all of the sudden, albums like Metallica's ...And Justice for All, Celtic Frost's Into the Pandemonium, Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime, and Slayer's South of Heaven came out. That's when I was born.

All those records were sitting around the house we all live in, and I grew up listening to them in the basement. So I couldn't wait until I was 16, because fate says that would be when 1) more kickass records would come out, and 2) I'd get sex. Both were due, because girls are dumb and listen to stuff like N'S(t)ync and BBSuk. But after this summer of 2001, I've had to rethink my entire cycle theory, like maybe the cycles of music are speeding as time goes forward, since two amazing things happened: Tool put out Lateralus and I saw Tool in concert.

I feel like this record was made just for me by super-smart aliens or something, because it's just like a cross of 1971 and 1987. Imagine, like, Peter Gabriel with batwings or a flower on his head singing while Lars Ulrich and Rick Wakeman just hammer it down. It's the best Tool record because it's the longest. All summer I worked at Gadzooks, folding novelty t-shirts, and on each break, I would listen to Lateralus because the store just plays hip-hop and dance. My manager would always get on me for taking my breaks 20 minutes too long, but that's how long the album is and it just sucks you in. It's like this big desert world with mountains of riffs, and drum thunderstorms just roll across the sky. The packaging is also cool, since it has this clear book with a skinless guy, and as you turn the pages, it rips off his muscles and stuff. Tool's music does the same thing. It can just rip the muscles and skin off you. I think that's what they meant. So my manager would be like, "Hey, there's a new box of 'Blunt Simpson' shirts I need you to put out and the 'Original Jackass' shelf is getting low." He's a vegan and I would buy him Orange Julius because he didn't know there's egg powder in there.

The first song is called "The Grudge," and it's about astrology and how people control stuff. Maynard sings like a robot or clone at the opening, spitting, "Wear the crutch like a crown/ Calculate what we will/ Will not tolerate/ Desperate to control/ All and everything." Tool know about space and math, and it's pretty complex. "Saturn ascends/ Not one but ten," he sings. No Doubt and R.E.M. sang out that, too, but those songs were wimpy and short. Maynard shows his intelligence with raw stats. I think there's meaning behind those numbers, like calculus. He also mentions "prison cell" and "tear it down" and "controlling" and "sinking deeper," which all symbolize how he feels. Seven minutes into the song, he does this awesome scream for 24 seconds straight, which is like the longest scream I've ever heard. Then at the end there's this part where Danny Carey hits every drum he has. This wall of drums just pounds you. Then the next song starts and it's quiet and trippy. Tool are the best metal band, since they can get trippy (almost pretty, but in a dark way) then just really loud. Most bands just do loud, so Tool is more prog.

Danny Carey is the best drummer in rock, dispute that and I know you are a dunce. I made a list of all of his gear (from the June issue of Modern Drummer):

Drums, Sonor Designer Series (bubinga wood): 8x14 snare (bronze), 8x8 tom, 10x10 tom, 16x14 tom, 18x16 floor tom, two 18x24 bass drums.

Cymbals, Paiste: 14" Sound Edge Dry Crisp hi-hats, 6" signature bell over 8" signature bell, 10" signature splash, 24" 2002 China, 18" signature full crash, #3 cup chime over #1 cup chime, 18" signature power crash, 12" signature Micro-Hat, 22" signature Dry Heavy ride, 22" signature Thin China, 20" signature Power crash.

Electronics: Simmons SDX pads, Korg Wave Drum, Roland MC-505, Oberheim TVS.

Hardware: Sonor stands, Sonor, Axis or Pro-Mark hi-hat stand, Axis or Pearl bass drum petals with Sonor or Pearl beaters (loose string tension, but with long throw).

Heads: Evans Power Center on snare batter (medium high tuning, no muffling), G2s on tom batters with G1s underneath (medium tuning with bottom head higher than batter), EQ3 bass drum batter with EQ3 resonant on front (medium tuning, with EQ pad touching front and back heads).

Sticks: Trueline Danny Carey model (wood tip).

He has his own sticks, even. In "Schism," the double basses just go nuts at the end. They also do in "Eon Blue Apocalypse." And in "The Grudge." And in "Ticks & Leeches." And nobody uses more toms in metal. You can really hear the 8x8 and 10x10 toms in the opening for "Ticks & Leeches." Over the summer, I counted the number of tom hits in that song, and it's 1,023!! Amazing. That's my favorite song, since it's the one that starts with Maynard screaming, "Suck it!" Then he says, "Little parasite." Later he shouts, "This is what you wanted... I hope you choke on it!" Every time I watched my boss suck down those Orange Juliuses I had that stuck in my head.

There is simply no way you could just dismiss the music (which is excellent). The bass playing is just really creepy and slow and sometimes it has this watery effect. Tool even follow in the footsteps of Caravan with Middle Eastern or Asian or something sounds. "Disposition" features bongos, and then on the next song, "Reflection," Carey's toms sound like bongos or tablas or whatever is in those Fruitopia commercials. Close your eyes and imagine if Asia had a space program. This is like the music they'd play. The song is called "Reflection" since it's quieter and slower and sounds like it's from India, where people go to reflect. Maynard's voice sounds like that little bleached midget girl flying around inside the walls in Polterghost. It's messed up.

In conclusion, there is more emotion on that album than would be on 30 Weezer albums. At the very least, there's 2.5 times as much. Like I said, it's messed up, like the world, which makes it very real. I don't think I'm going to have a kid this year, but that's also a good thing. Just imagine the Tool record that will come out in three years, according to my theory. It will be the future, and albums can be like longer with better compression and technology. Even as amazing as Lateralus is, I feel like there's a monster coming in three years. Music comes in cycles, and works on math, and my life and Tool are proof of that for sure.

— Brent DiCrescenzo, May 15, 2001

Just... wow.

[zxlkho]

It's Pitchfork. The people there don't even have a soul... or ears.

[Ravenheart]

I don't even...

[Sigz]

It's not even about whether or not he liked the music, it's that the only thing that makes it a review is the number at the top. He says maybe a sentence about the actual album, and spends 2/3 of the review mocking a stereotypical Tool fan. I seriously don't see how the he could read that thinking it was a good review, or how the editor would allow that to be printed.

[skydivingninja]

It's not even about whether or not he liked the music, it's that the only thing that makes it a review is the number at the top. He says maybe a sentence about the actual album, and spends 2/3 of the review mocking a stereotypical Tool fan. I seriously don't see how the he could read that thinking it was a good review, or how the editor would allow that to be printed.

This.  I think he was trying a bit too hard to be witty.  I mean, I agree the album is too long, but he doesn't talk about the music at all!

[zxlkho]

For the record, the album isn't long enough.

[Sigz]

Nah, I'd say it drags a bit after the title track.

[zxlkho]

wat

Disposition/Reflection/Triad is amazing. Though it could probably do without Faaip de Oiad...

[Ravenheart]

Some of the worst reviews I've ever read have been written by so-called "professionals," and not because I disagree with them.

[ClairvoyantCat]

Holy fuck.

Either this guy is truthfully the most obnoxiously over-opinionated to ever give a review or he is just trying way to hard to give personality to his writing. 

Sadly, I think the latter. 

[LieLowTheWantedMan]

Some of the worst reviews I've ever read have been written by so-called "professionals," and not because I disagree with them.

This.

[Birch Boy]

My favorite album of all time... I don't even know what to say. And I'm in party that thinks the last four-song part of the album's a bit too long.

[robwebster]

First thing this review reminded me of - there's a podcast I listen to who used to write funny complaint letters under the name of Mrs. Fraser and send them around to companies in hopes of getting something. They were written as ridiculously as possible, for maximum comic effect. This excerpt reads just like one.

Jump ahead 16 years later and my dad got this girl pregnant, who turned out to be my mom. It was 1987 and a whole bunch of lame dance music was ruling the world, like Hitler or Jesus or something.

Compare to...

Dear Pedigree Chum,
Hello, woof, or blow a high whistle - however you lot greet each other in the office. My name is Mrs. Fraser, and thank god I had a son one day which finally made me a proper woman, and don't worry - we did finally remember to cut off the umbilical cord after a few days, as the baby wouldn't stop following me. That pink thing attached to my insides turned out to be called Fraser, and he's okay for a dickhead.

They've deliberately tried to write like idiots by injecting gratuitous information that nobody cares about and using very simple language. The reviewer just does it instinctively. Even down to "X turned out to be Y."

Some of the worst reviews I've ever read have been written by so-called "professionals," and not because I disagree with them.

I emailed the Daily Mirror - a shit British tabloid - the other day, half looking for a job and half just entertaining myself. Emailed it to feedback, but CC'd in the online editor, just for fun.

• Hi Feedback,
  Hope you're well. Been reading the online reviews on the Mirror website. Noticed more than a handful of flaws in one of the articles - which I've highlighted.
  
  If you're in the market for a reviewer who can actually write, I'll happily do it for half of whatever you're paying this guy. I promise I'll use real words. Well, mostly.
  
  This is a genuine offer, by the way. I'm an amateur journalist. Music editor for my university paper, so I end up writing quite a few reviews - and if this guy's getting published then I'm clearly light-years ahead of the professionals.
  
  Cheers,
  Rob

At this point, I copied in an edited version of the article in question, with errors in red and suggestions italicised in brackets. It's bad. At one point, the writer has not understood a word used in the dialogue, and instead of looking it up, or turning on the subtitles, he's made up his own alternative.

• P.S. I'm a little low on cash at the moment so I am also happy to proof read for loose change.

[ClairvoyantCat]

Good luck with your journalistic endeavors, Rob.  You seem like a talented writer to me and I would much rather read a review from you than a nut like this Brent DiCrescenzo.

[TheOutlawXanadu]

I hate Pitchfork with a scathing passion.

Don't get me wrong. I (used to) love writing pretentious, self-fellating reviews as much as the next guy. But even for me, that site goes too far.

First, the problem with most review sites, it's a different person writing a different review for each album. It's not like the same guy reviewing Funeral is the same guy reviewing The Suburbs, so there is no basis for comparison between reviews. How do I know that a 9 is actually better than a 7 if it's a different person scoring each album?

Second, why the fuck do they score with 6.2s and 9.4s? I don't see how it could be useful. Perhaps their train of thought is that if The Bends gets a 7.5 and OK Computer gets a 7.6, then that means OK Computer is better by a sminge. Except for both probably had a different reviewer, so that idea is moot. It's much more useful to just say, " A 5 owns my soul. Listen now", "A 4.5 owns my soul but maybe there is one thing that annoys me. Listen now", "A 4 is really good. Try and listen ASAP", etc.

Third, their reviews are always so long. I hate that.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[jag66]

PITCHFORK BLOWS

[SoundscapeMN]

Pitchfork Media Reviewer Position:

Prerequisites:
-An ability to come across as an immense a snob as anyone on our staff.
-The ability to use as many esoteric words and references as possible

[Metabog]

I only skipped through, but I can't tell if he's joking or serious, so I probably missed the sarcasm.

Either way, I don't think it deserves 1.9/10. I don't think like Tool very much ether (sue me!), but that mark is ridiculous.

[pain of occupation]

when i read the thread title, my first guess was that it'd be this:

ST. ANGER REVIEW
Here is a review / report translated from the Swedish Close-up magazine and site
Close-up's Martin Carlsson leaves an exclusive report from the studio north of San Francisco where Metallica's working on their new album "St. Anger".

I swear on the bible, on my mother's grave or whatever - the following text is nothing less than the complete truth. This statement needs to be made, quite simply because you're probably not going to believe me. I almost wonder if I've really listened to the new Metallica album "St Anger" myself, or if somebody has been playing a trick on me and pla me some new, exciting aggro-band. You see, "St. Anger" is a chock, one of music history's greatest! It is as if "Load" and "Reload" has been deleted from the map, as if the Black Album never existed, as if the Metallica we've come to know never really existed. The five songs (all of which are as of yet untitled but the title-track) I've heard exhibits a sound so EXTREME and raw that all you can do is sit there chocked with your jaw on the floor.

I'm not joking.

Twenty journalists are gathered in the control-room of the studio north of San Francisco. We get comfortable. The air is vibrating with excitement, and then? BAM!! The first song (working title: Frantic) kicks in with hypnotic, almost industrial Slayer-riffs. What the is going on? "You live it or lie it", chants James Hetfield and goes on with "my lifestyle determines my death style". It is ultra-tight metalcore like it has never been performed before. Lars ulrich's fat drum-sound is replaced with an oilrig-similar snare that's usually reminiscent of robotic industry-metal. "Do I have the strength?", a wondering Hetfield screams in the middle of the chaos. It is a maddening Blitzkriegstrategy with attack-waves of battering riffs, attacking from every angle for five minutes and 54 seconds.

I'm not joking.

The war as just begun, and I really mean THE WAR, because this music would be the perfect soundtrack to the media coverage of the war on Iraq. The title-track blazes away with a ultra-fast bulldozermosh that leaves Max Cavalera far behind. We are talking monster-metallized punk from another planet; a twisted and overdosed Dischange just released from rehab! We are talking beyond sound-speed, especially regarding the drum-work. The double-bass pounds away mercilessly and Lars Ulrich's use of the snare are almost -get this!- blast-beats!! It's going to be interesting seeing him trying to repeat this live - if the dane is usually soaked from sweat and carried to the lodge after traditional concerts, then he's going to need an oxygen-mask and hospital personnel to wake him back to life after this. Following this amazing intro comes a softer part where Hetfield sings "St. Anger around my neck, he never gets respect." This ten second long part, recurring a couple of times in the seven minute and 24 second long song, is the only part that could be classified as soft. The Producer Bob Rock (also on bass) assures me that this is the calmest, most stripped-down part on the whole album. WOW! A riff similar to "Creeping Death" follows. Hetfield howls " it all and ing no regrets" (an exact recapitulation of the classic in "Damage Inc."). Towards the end of the song he screams "I need to set my anger free"... and this is exactly what he and Metallica does: releasing all their anger.

I'm not joking.

Song number three starts up like an updated "Ride the Lightning": MEga-fat thrash-metal in midtempo speed. The vocalist spits: "It and you can look out motherers, here I come!". Sepultura's "Roots"-era sound reminiscent in this song, with the refrain "It world" repeated again and again. Before the song ends at five minutes and 51 seconds, Hetfield shouts "enough, enough, enough"

I'm not joking.

Have you missed the complex song-structures of "And Justice for All"? Compared to this around eight minutes long piece (working title "Monster"), the songs of the 1988 album seem more like simple Ramones' ditties. A progressive blanket of sound that warms like a massive and super-intricate Tool, only a thousand times heavier! Hetfield chants over a delicious part that goes into what could be called a chorus with some use of fantasy: "We the people, are we the people?". This phrase is repeated two times and "some kind of monster" three times before the singer concludes "this monster lives". There is actually something here that could be called groove, not entirely unlike Pantera although vastly heavier. The guitars are so ed insane, so ed evil, so ed incredible! The fact is that there isn't anything remotely like a traditional guitar-solo in any of these five songs. Hetfield and Kirk Hammett use their instruments like surgical tools. The guitars shrieks and scream as if Tom Morello and Kerry King made a deal and decided to take the Devil's music not one but ten steps further.

I'm not joking.

The most wicked part is however the last, whose working-name is "All Within My Hands". A very strange piece with an instrumental intro of one minute and fifteen seconds. The tempo is ultra-fast, taking so many twists and turns that you get all dizzy. "All Within My Hands" is shouted and then sung in an Alice In Chains manner. And the ending? MAN OH MAN! Like a possessed madman Hetfield screams "Kill kill kill kill!!" ad absurdum - we're talking deranged shrieks coming from a psychopathic Tom Araya (think Slayer's "Kill Again" only even more insane). You'd think it was over after that. But no. It is like watching an exciting thriller with so many surprises that you finally don't believe an ending is forthcoming. Yes, after a heavy-as-lead finale it winds down at eight minutes and 55 seconds.

I'm not joking.

20 Journalists finally leave the control-room and look at each other. No one needs say anything; the looks say it all: What in god's name have we just experienced? That Metallica, once tired old farts, have made a complete 180, and now sound like a bunch of hormone-reeking bucks in heat, is the most incredible thing that's happened in music history. "St. Anger" is the real "Reload". "St. Anger" doesn't sound like anything the group has done before, it hardly even sounds like Metallica. "St. Anger" is a modern, super-brutal metal-album that is going to chock and knock the entire music world. Melodies? Nope, there's not much here that reminds one of traditional melodies or arrangements such as verse, bridge, chorus. The 10th of June could become known as the day that shook the world. If you haven't catched on yet:

I'm not joking.

Martin Carlsson Source: Close Up Magazine

 

[zxlkho]

Holy shit... I don't know which one is worse.

[Metabog]

Wait is he joking or not?

[LieLowTheWantedMan]

*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.
*snip*
I'm not joking.

Iunno gaiz I think he's joking

Ninja'd, kinda...

[pain of occupation]

i was rather excited for st.anger, and this review only helped to fuel the fire.

...assumed at the time i'd go on to enjoy the album for years to come, but instead i havent spun anything by the band since 07

[LCArenas]

He praises the album, tells it's good, mocks Tool fans and then puts it a 1.9. WUT













































WUT

[Perpetual Change]

You know, I think this part here is pure genius... because this was pretty much me when Lateralus came out.

My Summer Vacation, by Crispin Fubert, Ms. Higgins' Eng. Comp. 901

I believe that music comes and goes in cycles, and some of us are lucky enough to ride the crests. The men in my family are perfect examples of this. Initially, I thought that perfect music appeared every 16 years, which is also the number of years between Fubert generations. My dad was born in 1971. In that year, landmark albums were released. They were Nursery Crime by Genesis (the first with Phil Collins), Yes Album by Yes, Aqualung by Jethro Tull, and In the Land of Grey and Pink by Caravan.

My grandfather skipped out on Vietnam-- because Jimi Hendrix himself told him to-- and he moved to Canterbury, which is in the United England. There, he got married to my grandmother, who used to sell baked goods to people at concerts, and they had my dad. After the war, they moved back with a box of awesome records like the ones I mentioned. I think it was cosmic or fate or something that my dad was born the same exact day Chrysalis released Aqualung, in March of 1971.

Jump ahead 16 years later and my dad got this girl pregnant, who turned out to be my mom. It was 1987 and a whole bunch of lame dance music was ruling the world, like Hitler or Jesus or something. But all of the sudden, albums like Metallica's ...And Justice for All, Celtic Frost's Into the Pandemonium, Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime, and Slayer's South of Heaven came out. That's when I was born.

All those records were sitting around the house we all live in, and I grew up listening to them in the basement. So I couldn't wait until I was 16, because fate says that would be when 1) more kickass records would come out, and 2) I'd get sex. Both were due, because girls are dumb and listen to stuff like N'S(t)ync and BBSuk. But after this summer of 2001, I've had to rethink my entire cycle theory, like maybe the cycles of music are speeding as time goes forward, since two amazing things happened: Tool put out Lateralus and I saw Tool in concert.

I feel like this record was made just for me by super-smart aliens or something, because it's just like a cross of 1971 and 1987. Imagine, like, Peter Gabriel with batwings or a flower on his head singing while Lars Ulrich and Rick Wakeman just hammer it down. It's the best Tool record because it's the longest. All summer I worked at Gadzooks, folding novelty t-shirts, and on each break, I would listen to Lateralus because the store just plays hip-hop and dance. My manager would always get on me for taking my breaks 20 minutes too long, but that's how long the album is and it just sucks you in. It's like this big desert world with mountains of riffs, and drum thunderstorms just roll across the sky. The packaging is also cool, since it has this clear book with a skinless guy, and as you turn the pages, it rips off his muscles and stuff. Tool's music does the same thing. It can just rip the muscles and skin off you. I think that's what they meant. So my manager would be like, "Hey, there's a new box of 'Blunt Simpson' shirts I need you to put out and the 'Original Jackass' shelf is getting low." He's a vegan and I would buy him Orange Julius because he didn't know there's egg powder in there.

The first song is called "The Grudge," and it's about astrology and how people control stuff. Maynard sings like a robot or clone at the opening, spitting, "Wear the crutch like a crown/ Calculate what we will/ Will not tolerate/ Desperate to control/ All and everything." Tool know about space and math, and it's pretty complex. "Saturn ascends/ Not one but ten," he sings. No Doubt and R.E.M. sang out that, too, but those songs were wimpy and short. Maynard shows his intelligence with raw stats. I think there's meaning behind those numbers, like calculus. He also mentions "prison cell" and "tear it down" and "controlling" and "sinking deeper," which all symbolize how he feels. Seven minutes into the song, he does this awesome scream for 24 seconds straight, which is like the longest scream I've ever heard. Then at the end there's this part where Danny Carey hits every drum he has. This wall of drums just pounds you. Then the next song starts and it's quiet and trippy. Tool are the best metal band, since they can get trippy (almost pretty, but in a dark way) then just really loud. Most bands just do loud, so Tool is more prog.

Danny Carey is the best drummer in rock, dispute that and I know you are a dunce. I made a list of all of his gear (from the June issue of Modern Drummer):

Drums, Sonor Designer Series (bubinga wood): 8x14 snare (bronze), 8x8 tom, 10x10 tom, 16x14 tom, 18x16 floor tom, two 18x24 bass drums.

Cymbals, Paiste: 14" Sound Edge Dry Crisp hi-hats, 6" signature bell over 8" signature bell, 10" signature splash, 24" 2002 China, 18" signature full crash, #3 cup chime over #1 cup chime, 18" signature power crash, 12" signature Micro-Hat, 22" signature Dry Heavy ride, 22" signature Thin China, 20" signature Power crash.

Electronics: Simmons SDX pads, Korg Wave Drum, Roland MC-505, Oberheim TVS.

Hardware: Sonor stands, Sonor, Axis or Pro-Mark hi-hat stand, Axis or Pearl bass drum petals with Sonor or Pearl beaters (loose string tension, but with long throw).

Heads: Evans Power Center on snare batter (medium high tuning, no muffling), G2s on tom batters with G1s underneath (medium tuning with bottom head higher than batter), EQ3 bass drum batter with EQ3 resonant on front (medium tuning, with EQ pad touching front and back heads).

Sticks: Trueline Danny Carey model (wood tip).

He has his own sticks, even. In "Schism," the double basses just go nuts at the end. They also do in "Eon Blue Apocalypse." And in "The Grudge." And in "Ticks & Leeches." And nobody uses more toms in metal. You can really hear the 8x8 and 10x10 toms in the opening for "Ticks & Leeches." Over the summer, I counted the number of tom hits in that song, and it's 1,023!! Amazing. That's my favorite song, since it's the one that starts with Maynard screaming, "Suck it!" Then he says, "Little parasite." Later he shouts, "This is what you wanted... I hope you choke on it!" Every time I watched my boss suck down those Orange Juliuses I had that stuck in my head.

There is simply no way you could just dismiss the music (which is excellent). The bass playing is just really creepy and slow and sometimes it has this watery effect. Tool even follow in the footsteps of Caravan with Middle Eastern or Asian or something sounds. "Disposition" features bongos, and then on the next song, "Reflection," Carey's toms sound like bongos or tablas or whatever is in those Fruitopia commercials. Close your eyes and imagine if Asia had a space program. This is like the music they'd play. The song is called "Reflection" since it's quieter and slower and sounds like it's from India, where people go to reflect. Maynard's voice sounds like that little bleached midget girl flying around inside the walls in Polterghost. It's messed up.

In conclusion, there is more emotion on that album than would be on 30 Weezer albums. At the very least, there's 2.5 times as much. Like I said, it's messed up, like the world, which makes it very real. I don't think I'm going to have a kid this year, but that's also a good thing. Just imagine the Tool record that will come out in three years, according to my theory. It will be the future, and albums can be like longer with better compression and technology. Even as amazing as Lateralus is, I feel like there's a monster coming in three years. Music comes in cycles, and works on math, and my life and Tool are proof of that for sure.

[Sigz]

As a satire? Sure, why not, though I can't say I've personally met any Tool fans that meet that stereotype.

As a review? It's inexcusable.

[Perpetual Change]

As a satire? Sure, why not, though I can't say I've personally met any Tool fans that meet that stereotype.

As a review? It's inexcusable.

Eh, that's exactly how I remember so many Tool fans being when Lateralus came out, to be honest. I know because I was right in the thick of things over at the Tool forums and every other forum I posted at back then, and no matter where I went there was always one or two posters (not counting myself) absolutely drooling over Tool in the strangest ways.

I always have to remind myself that I was like 13-4 when Lateralus came out, and very impressionable to anything someone like, say, Maynard would say. So you guys who are a couple years younger than me might not remember the same things that I do.  But I think that reviewer pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm not gonna say we weren't like that, because we most definitely were.

Actually, thinking back on some stuff I said back in those days leaves me feeling genuinely embarrassed  

[Sigz]

Well, my first exposure to Lateralus was when I was 12 (in 2002), and my friend recommended it to me. But he's really one of the few Tool fans I've known in real life and he seemed pretty level headed about it, so I can't judge it one way or it other accuracy-wise.

But regardless of whether or not it's accurate, once again, it's a terrible way to review an album. How retarded a band's fanbase is has no bearing on the quality of music. DT's a decent example of that.

[Perpetual Change]

But regardless of whether or not it's accurate, once again, it's a terrible way to review an album. How retarded a band's fanbase is has no bearing on the quality of music. DT's a decent example of that.

Oh, I know, but I thought it was funny.

But since you mentioned DT, I'll take that up another notch.

Take the way DT fans go around parading the band's chops to people who don't even care about that or PT fans go around smileing over Steve Wilson production like there was no such thing as good sounding modern albums before him, and change it to Maynard fans praising everything Maynard's just said in interviews about like LSD, the cycles or the moon, spiritual experiences, the tide, math, or whatever, and that's pretty much what I remember.

[Sigz]

  Fair enough.

[orcus116]

Take the way DT fans go around parading the band's chops to people who don't even care about that or PT fans go around smileing over Steve Wilson production like there was no such thing as good sounding modern albums before him, and change it to Maynard fans praising everything Maynard's just said in interviews about like LSD, the cycles or the moon, spiritual experiences, the tide, math, or whatever, and that's pretty much what I remember.

I've heard of these people but I've always gotten the impression that make up a very small group of people that actually listen to the band.

[LieLowTheWantedMan]

In the Land of Grey and Pink by Caravan.

I'm listening to this album right now.

[Sigz]

Take the way DT fans go around parading the band's chops to people who don't even care about that or PT fans go around smileing over Steve Wilson production like there was no such thing as good sounding modern albums before him, and change it to Maynard fans praising everything Maynard's just said in interviews about like LSD, the cycles or the moon, spiritual experiences, the tide, math, or whatever, and that's pretty much what I remember.

I've heard of these people but I've always gotten the impression that make up a very small group of people that actually listen to the band.

I feel like that's the case with most fanbase stereotypes, besides maybe ICP fans.

[lateralus88]

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[Sigz]

wat