Author Topic: Here's the thing (rant)  (Read 304 times)

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Offline Progmetty

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Here's the thing (rant)
« on: July 18, 2018, 08:10:14 PM »
I gotta tell somebody..
So as some of you know, I'm an oilfield engineer. I worked on oil rigs in the middle east since I graduated college to 2012 when I got transferred to an office job within my company in the U.S. until I got laid off during the oil downturn of 2016. Now I'm back working on rigs again, the difference is that now I'm working oil rigs in the U.S. and the contrast has been a somewhat entertaining, sometimes tiring, journey. But this a broad wide sea of shit to talk about, I'm here to share one specific aspect of it; food.
See back in the middle east, oil rigs had catering staff and a mess hall, doubled with the fact that I really don't like cooking or being in the kitchen in general for more the 5 minutes a day, resulted in me, at 36, being completely helpless at the craft, I basically never needed or had any interest to learn. 
On U.S. rigs, there's no catering. You're in a trailer with a couple other guys and you're sharing a kitchen, everybody brings their own food to last them their hitch duration, usually 2 to 4 weeks. I started out bringing shit food like ramen noodles and microwave dinners and -to make a long story short- within a year evolved, forced by necessity, to be able to make pastas, rice and fry pre-breaded chicken or grill a burger, but these are not just examples, that's actually about all I can make. Both cause they're easy and cause they don't take paying attention/remembering that something needs cooking for more than 30 to 40 minutes.
The dilemma I've been facing is that all the guys out here cook, all of them and they all enjoy it, the food and the cooking. And every once in a while they offer to share, my problems with that being:
1 - I'm not accustomed to accepting generosity that I can't repay with a similar one, there's absolutely nothing that I can cook that would impress these guys or gain their interest, they've been doing it their whole lives. BUT they often ask and expect that I know how to cook something exotic from my homeland, which in their minds looks like the Arab countries from Indiana Jones or The Mummy movies, and I constantly have a disappointing answer  :|
I'm willing to try and learn how to cook a native dish or two but I know I'll botch the cooking and the food will suck. There's a fucked up show called Chopped that people watch here where a bunch of people cook food and present it to 3 of the whiniest ungrateful impolite motherfuckers this earth has ever carried, they would stand the cooks there and tell them why these think their food sucks, "the sauce flavor was weaker than expected" or some other "Douchebag statement of the century award" comment, just eat it and shut up you fucktard, the cook is standing right there! you're being rude you dipshit! Where was I going with this? I guess I don't wanna be in these cooks shoes, is the point here.
2 - Here's the worse one, throughout my whole life I found the idea of eating food that an (A) unprofessional (B) man cooked to be repulsive, I have no exact explanation why but it might be cause in my weird mind I think their arm hair would fall into the food, also in that same mind a man is naturally and by default less hygienic than a woman. I love eating at restaurants and I know most good chiefs are men, tell it to the weird mind; it firmly believes that men who cook professionally are clean and men otherwise rain arm hair.  It cannot be a sexist thing either cause when I worked in the office, there was a great Mexican family-run restaurant near by that I drove to at lunch sometimes, one of the waitresses was aunt Lolla. Aunt Lolla had arm hair. Needless to say I've always tried so hard not to sit in aunt Lolla's section.
Now these are things about myself that I never ever assumed would have any reason to come to the forefront or that I would have to articulate them, until I worked on oil rigs in the U.S.
I make friends fast and I have a lot of friends now on these rigs, people who call me even when I'm not there just to chat, when someone offers to share their lunch or dinner on the rig, I made up excuses. "I just ate!", "Busy day!", "I'm on a diet" and the most helpful one "I don't eat pork", that last one is true but it's never been helpful until now. Sometimes the offers came multiple times from the same people, that's when awkwardness arise and I get the impression they're starting to think something sinister is behind my declination of their offers. But I've lived with it and moved around it swiftly for the last year since I started working here.
My mom was visiting recently from Egypt, she made some food and a great idea was befallen on my dumb head to take some to the rig as such chance won't come often, I did it. And today I got the counter offer that I couldn't refuse; have dinner with the dudes.
It was painful to say the least, I watched a guy handle bread and make food with his own bare hands, put lettuce and tomatoes in there, I watched in horror as he grabbed a handful of shredded cheese to spread it on top, WITH BARE HANDS I TELL YOU! A CREATURE THAT OWNS A LIVE DICK AND WIPES IT AFTER PEEING, MADE ME A SANDWICH WITH THE SAME HANDS!
But I had to act normal and suppress my senseless phobia and eat. I did. Pretty glad too cause these guys make some mean burgers and whatever that delicious Venezuelan stuff they fed me was.
At the moment I'm wondering if I beat this silly thing and I'll eat with everybody from now on, I hope so, but it's unlikely.
There it is, I leave it on DTF, where I can shamelessly share my inner most stupidity  ::)
« Last Edit: July 18, 2018, 08:32:46 PM by Progmetty »
I wouldn't want somebody with 18 kids to mow my damn lawn, based on a longstanding bias I have against crazy fucks.

Online TAC

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2018, 08:22:09 PM »
Geez, I feel like I should put on long sleeves and gloves on to type a response.

would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline Progmetty

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2018, 08:31:56 PM »
I know TAC, t'is not pretty! although reading it back now; it sounds more serious than I intended it to be  :lol
I wouldn't want somebody with 18 kids to mow my damn lawn, based on a longstanding bias I have against crazy fucks.

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2018, 09:08:06 PM »
Wait? Are you supposed to wipe your junk after you pee??? JaysusMaryandJoseph I've been doing it wrong.  :facepalm:

It sounds like you have anxiety on a couple fronts. One, the fear of having to cook something not acceptable to your peers; and two, having to eat something prepared by some cock-wiping everyman.

The first one is easy...learn to make an easy taco salad. They'll fucking love it so much, you'll insist on only bringing it out on special occasions. The second issue is a bit tougher. Tell them you're hung up on food safety and insist on everyone practicing safe and proper hand washing and the use of disposable food safety gloves. In essence, become THAT guy.

Now, do I wipe just the tip, or the shaft as well? I'm assuming front to back is irrelevant, right? Do I shake still? Before or after I wipe? Help!

   :biggrin:
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Offline Adami

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2018, 09:16:21 PM »
I have some bad news for you habbibi.


You've eaten arm hair. You've eaten head hair. In fact, there's a good chance you've eaten pubic hair.


The good news? You're still alive after all of that, and healthy enough to not even notice.

Better news? This will continue until you die from something totally unrelated to men with arm hair handling your food.
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Online El Barto

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2018, 11:00:25 PM »
Adami beat me to it. Nasty arm hairs are probably the least of your concerns, and that includes proper restaurants just the same as oily roughneck food. And considering how much shwarma you've probably eaten in your life I'm surprised to hear you're so phobic about it all.

Moreover, it's not that meat handling you should be worried about. As far as I'm concerned at 48 it's too late to start worrying about everything that's been excreted, exfoliated, secreted, expelled, aspirated, or otherwise deposited into my food. Using the same plate for cooked and uncooked meat will set me off, though. As long as somebody washes their hands after patting out a burger and uses a different cutting board for chopping up the veggies I don't care what was going on before hand. That's what fire's for.

As for your other problem, aren't you handy with a grill? I thought I recalled you mentioning that in the past. Regardless, there's a peculiar thing about cooking, which is that everybody has their own tastes. We all like what we like. You might luck out and in some bizarre fluke of the cosmos turn out the greatest chicken cordon bleu the world has ever tasted, and somebody there will probably think the breading sucked. "And what was with the sauce, dude?" The flip side is that since you're your own worst critic, something that doesn't seem all that great to you might be a smash hit with others.

I learned to make a halfway decent mac and cheese a while back. A couple of times I've really nailed it, but for the most part I'm usually disappointed with it. I'm expected to bring it to all holiday gatherings, though. People really geek out on it. If I bring something else people get pissed. Last year our host asked me to bring a potato dish, instead. I showed up with a fantastic potato dauphinoise. Really super. People were polite, but kind of grumbly at the same time. "Yeah, the potato thing was pretty good, I guess. Are you bringing mac and cheese next time?"

The moral of the story is don't be afraid of what the others think. You can't please everybody, you will please some, and they'll probably think better of it than you will.

Does everybody cook their own food out there, or is it more of a group thing?
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Offline bosk1

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2018, 07:53:32 AM »
I learned to make a halfway decent mac and cheese a while back. A couple of times I've really nailed it, but for the most part I'm usually disappointed with it. I'm expected to bring it to all holiday gatherings, though. People really geek out on it. If I bring something else people get pissed. Last year our host asked me to bring a potato dish, instead. I showed up with a fantastic potato dauphinoise. Really super. People were polite, but kind of grumbly at the same time. "Yeah, the potato thing was pretty good, I guess. Are you bringing mac and cheese next time?"

:rollin  That's funny because (1) I found myself in the exact same boat.  I ripped an Alton Brown mac and cheese recipe awhile back, made some alterations to it to suit my own tastes, and am expected to make that every year now.  And people go nuts for it, whether I think it turned out or not.  And I dare not ever bring anything else or face the same thing you did.

And (2) I never figured you as the holiday gathering type. 

And (3) for some reason I can't really articulate, without really thinking about it, I kinda mentally pictured your diet as consisting mostly of burritos from the kind of taqueria you can't find anywhere but border states, Cheetos, and fresh produce.  Again, not sure where that mental picture comes from.
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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2018, 09:14:50 AM »
I'm willing to try and learn how to cook a native dish or two but I know I'll botch the cooking and the food will suck.

I think el Barto already said this, but I want to reinforce the point.  My ex-wife was a VERY good cook.  VERY good.   So when we got divorced, I felt it was my obligation to learn to do something other than hot dogs and boxed mac and cheese for my daughter.   So I started to teach myself.   I got a couple cookbooks.   Don't laugh, but Jerry Seinfeld's wife put out a GREAT one for guys like us, because  she also talks a little about the technique of cooking; stay away from the "pro chef cookbooks" because they assume a lot of technique that I can guarantee you - no disrespect - that you don't have.  And I would let my daughter pick the menu, and I would cook while she sat there and did her homework from school, and it was almost a magical time.   Now, five years later, I do about 95% of the cooking in my house (same thing, el Barto; except for me it's my hamburgers.)

I will guarantee you that you put a couple meals in front of them and unless they are just outright dicks, you'll know if you have to lay off the salt or add a little garlic, and you can repay them in kind. 

Quote
There's a fucked up show called Chopped that people watch here where a bunch of people cook food and present it to 3 of the whiniest ungrateful impolite motherfuckers this earth has ever carried, they would stand the cooks there and tell them why these think their food sucks, "the sauce flavor was weaker than expected" or some other "Douchebag statement of the century award" comment, just eat it and shut up you fucktard, the cook is standing right there! you're being rude you dipshit! Where was I going with this? I guess I don't wanna be in these cooks shoes, is the point here.

Not to sound like a Chopped judge, but that is a complete and utter misreading of the show.  Other than Geoffrey Zarkarian and sometimes Scott Conant, the judges are fair, fun, and usually very respectful of the cooks that come in the kitchen, UNLESS the cooks themselves are rude.   I watch the Food Network more than all other networks combined, and even though I DESPISE reality TV and all the tropes that come along with it (what the FUCK is with all the fucking swearing on goddamn shitty reality TV shows???  Can't those fucking assholes say five fucking words without a goddamn swear word in there?) I find the cooking shows - even the competition ones - to be largely fun and friendly and based in mutual respect. 

Quote
2 - Here's the worse one, throughout my whole life I found the idea of eating food that an (A) unprofessional (B) man cooked to be repulsive,...

That has nothing to do with cooking, oil rigs or your problem; that's on YOU.  And besides, you're not eating the food you cook for THEM, right?  Haha.   

I'm vaguely familiar with oil rig life, at least in the Gulf (I worked for a group in GE that sold motor and drive equipment for them; I also worked for an environmental firm that worked on them).  The roughneck lifestyle is a different lifestyle.  In my experience, while it might be hard to come out and say "guys, I'm scared to cook for you!" I feel like you're going to get back honest feedback and you won't have a hard time figuring out a) where you stand and b) what you have to do to change where you stand if your meal is not up to snuff. 


Offline MinistroRaven

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2018, 10:31:11 AM »
For some reason while reading OP I had this guy in mind



ó

I canít add anything new to the conversation as the guys have done a terrific Job at that

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2018, 12:06:03 PM »
Watch the movie, "Waiting" with Ryan Reynolds... that's all I've got to say.

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2018, 12:17:15 PM »
He's dreamy. 

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2018, 07:39:18 PM »
Quote
I love eating at restaurants and I know most good chiefs are men, tell it to the weird mind; it firmly believes that men who cook professionally are clean and men otherwise rain arm hair.

Yeah, I got some bad news for you bro...
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Offline dparrott

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2018, 07:41:55 PM »
I have some bad news for you habbibi.


You've eaten arm hair. You've eaten head hair. In fact, there's a good chance you've eaten pubic hair.


The good news? You're still alive after all of that, and healthy enough to not even notice.

Better news? This will continue until you die from something totally unrelated to men with arm hair handling your food.

Or an outbreak starts or someone gets food poisoning.  I work in food safety and this is horrifying.
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Online TAC

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2018, 07:46:40 PM »

Not to sound like a Chopped judge, but that is a complete and utter misreading of the show.  Other than Geoffrey Zarkarian and sometimes Scott Conant, the judges are fair, fun, and usually very respectful of the cooks that come in the kitchen, UNLESS the cooks themselves are rude.   I watch the Food Network more than all other networks combined, and even though I DESPISE reality TV and all the tropes that come along with it (what the FUCK is with all the fucking swearing on goddamn shitty reality TV shows???  Can't those fucking assholes say five fucking words without a goddamn swear word in there?) I find the cooking shows - even the competition ones - to be largely fun and friendly and based in mutual respect. 

The biggest thing I hate about Chopped is when one of the contestants says something like, "I'm cooking for my mother, she just died and I know she is looking down on me and smiling.", and then the next guy goes,"I grew up without a father and my grandmother raised me and I'm doing this for her.", then the next one says, "My father is dying and I told him I would make him proud..." blah fucking blah blah!

I LOVE the creativity of the chefs though. Amazing.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline Progmetty

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #14 on: July 19, 2018, 10:24:52 PM »
I have some bad news for you habbibi.

You've eaten arm hair. You've eaten head hair. In fact, there's a good chance you've eaten pubic hair.

The good news? You're still alive after all of that, and healthy enough to not even notice.

Better news? This will continue until you die from something totally unrelated to men with arm hair handling your food.

I know yakiri, it's an irrational fear, you of all people should appreciate that!

Adami beat me to it. Nasty arm hairs are probably the least of your concerns, and that includes proper restaurants just the same as oily roughneck food. And considering how much shwarma you've probably eaten in your life I'm surprised to hear you're so phobic about it all.

I'm aware, it's irrational. I eat at food trucks and I'm pretty sure it gets hot in there so there's frequent ball scratching going on, it's all fine as long as I don't see it.
Also I'm not talking strictly about roughnecks, I don't live in the same trailer with roughnecks. Like now I'm with the MWD techs and the directional driller, they're also technical.
The story from yesterday though was indeed with roughnecks, I went over and ate with them, they're the ones I brought my mom's food for.

As for your other problem, aren't you handy with a grill? I thought I recalled you mentioning that in the past.

You must be thinking of your other Egyptian friend  :lol, I mean I'll stand there and watch it if somebody asks me to but the couple of times it was left entirely up to me I burnt the meat. I may have mentioned I loved grilled food hehe
I generally dislike BBQing the way it's done in America, I love the gathering and hanging out but the food is usually awful, basically I've never been to a BBQ where the food being prepared in the kitchen and the food on the grill outside get done at the same time, I always need to wait on something and then once it's all ready I gotta excuse myself to go heat something up since I like my food hot.

Does everybody cook their own food out there, or is it more of a group thing?

It depends on the day and current operations, but doing it as a group is very occasional. People eat together almost all the time but it's usually cause one guy offered to cook that day.

Not to sound like a Chopped judge, but that is a complete and utter misreading of the show.  Other than Geoffrey Zarkarian and sometimes Scott Conant, the judges are fair, fun, and usually very respectful of the cooks that come in the kitchen, UNLESS the cooks themselves are rude.   I watch the Food Network more than all other networks combined, and even though I DESPISE reality TV and all the tropes that come along with it (what the FUCK is with all the fucking swearing on goddamn shitty reality TV shows???  Can't those fucking assholes say five fucking words without a goddamn swear word in there?) I find the cooking shows - even the competition ones - to be largely fun and friendly and based in mutual respect. 

Yeah, I just really loathe these shows for the drama they force into it. The music, the suspense, the personal stories, etc., I don't buy any of it and it seems to present itself with the assumption that I'm gonna get emotionally invested and that makes it more of a reality show than what it sells itself as, which is a cooking competition.

Thanks for all the tips fellas!
I wouldn't want somebody with 18 kids to mow my damn lawn, based on a longstanding bias I have against crazy fucks.

Online Stadler

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Re: Here's the thing (rant)
« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2018, 07:40:04 AM »

Not to sound like a Chopped judge, but that is a complete and utter misreading of the show.  Other than Geoffrey Zarkarian and sometimes Scott Conant, the judges are fair, fun, and usually very respectful of the cooks that come in the kitchen, UNLESS the cooks themselves are rude.   I watch the Food Network more than all other networks combined, and even though I DESPISE reality TV and all the tropes that come along with it (what the FUCK is with all the fucking swearing on goddamn shitty reality TV shows???  Can't those fucking assholes say five fucking words without a goddamn swear word in there?) I find the cooking shows - even the competition ones - to be largely fun and friendly and based in mutual respect. 

The biggest thing I hate about Chopped is when one of the contestants says something like, "I'm cooking for my mother, she just died and I know she is looking down on me and smiling.", and then the next guy goes,"I grew up without a father and my grandmother raised me and I'm doing this for her.", then the next one says, "My father is dying and I told him I would make him proud..." blah fucking blah blah!

I LOVE the creativity of the chefs though. Amazing.

Yeah, I don't like that stuff either (nor do I like the intro pieces where they are "kitchen ninjas" and "they are going to crush their opponents").   I'm much more of a Guy's Grocery Games or Cooks vs. Cons fan, where everyone is friends and it's just who can make the best food.