It's late and the mind is running (Denver vs. Jersey Pt. 1)

[bout to crash]

This will be long 

For those who don't know: I'm a social work intern for a hospice right now. I'm graduating from my MSW program in the spring (May/June).

So tonight I went to the office holiday party and my supervisor informed me that one of the three paid social workers just handed in his notice. He's leaving in six weeks to go back to Chicago... so, she said, I will be getting a lot more patients when I return from my vacation (I only have four now, one of them recently died and I'm an intern so they started me off slow... my supervisor, I'm pretty sure, has 20+).

Well, not only does this mean more patients for me, but it also increases the possibility of my being hired when my internship is done (I'm the only intern who does this job). Both my supervisor and the third social worker on staff started as interns in my program. I figured I had no chance since there were three of them already and people have been laid off in the past. However, this changes things a lot. Two social workers cannot adequately handle 70ish patients. Since I have proved myself as pretty competent so far, I doubt they will go looking for another social worker now (I'm free labor)... but come June, there is a strong possibility they could offer me a job.

So, on one hand this is awesome because I like this job a lot and I also like the possibility of not having to search for another one in a few months. However, it brings to the forefront another issue that's been on my mind lately: staying in Denver versus going back east when I graduate.

I love Denver. I could stay here for a long time, even if not permanently. There are things I miss about the east coast, though (the beach, aggressive driving)... and people, mostly. I am totally cool with at least staying and working here a couple more years and then going back to Jersey or somewhere else closer to my family, etc. that isn't so expensive and overpopulated (I've been thinking about Vermont or PA)... BUT I don't know about Tony. He was talking about moving out here a while ago (before he realized he had another year of school), but seems to think he needs to stay in NJ for the music scene, etc. There is a good jazz scene in Denver, but not as big (also not as competitive, though)... and he has stopped talking about moving here, probably because he assumes I will be coming back east. I have not said this, though. I have said I'm not sure wtf I'm doing. He has started talking about checking out music therapy programs there, like one on Long Island a friend of mine is in. I don't think he wants to go straight into grad school, but if he wants to stay east and I want to stay here, this is going to be a problem. I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship anymore

I know obviously nothing can be figured out without talking to him about it. AND there is no guarantee of my internship hiring me,  but there is a decent chance... and even if that doesn't work out, I have established many connections here with classmates and professors and whatnot. I know lots of people in NJ, but not many who work for organizations I could live with (i.e. most people who could get me a job work for DYFS and shit  ).

Only time will tell. I know it's early and there's no way to know til graduation gets closer, but I can't help thinking about it... and when it comes to Tony, I think it is a conversation that needs to be had sooner rather than later so there are no surprises or misconceptions come May. I'm going to wait until I'm back there next week because I think it's a conversation that needs to be had in person...

So right now I'm just kind of venting and brainstorming a little.

I also don't want to be away from my close friends in NJ ... not to mention (some of) my family. I wish I could just move everyone here... or that the US was a little smaller so Denver wasn't a several-day road trip from where I grew up (but I guess that also adds to the appeal of it ). Blah. It's kind of lose-lose because I will have to sacrifice something regardless (of course I will also gain).

So yeah, just venting. It helps to put it in writing and put it out there.
Any personal experience on this kind of stuff or advice is appreciated... or even just a "yeah, I understand why you're stressing about this" helps, too

I'm not freaking out or anything. It's kind of exciting, the uncertainty. But another part of me just wants to fast-forward and see what happens next.



tl;dr: Jackie may be offered a job in Denver after graduation. Jackie is from NJ. Most of Jackie's family, closest friends and boyfriend are in NJ. Jackie contemplates the possibilities.

[YtseBitsySpider]

Tough call honey.
I hate to echo all the tv soothsayers...but with the tough economy n all...any work is good work. And this isn't just "any work" it's work in your field that you're good at. Ya...maybe you'd find some back in NJ. Maybe not.

Keep at it, until they hire you. So that youre resume doesn't say "worked as an intern" it says "I actually worked at". Valuable experience and resume padding you desperately need.

that's all I got.

[Perpetual Change]

Tough situation. I'd talk it out with Tony and see what he thinks if I were you.  Seems like this is one of those inevitable times where you both gotta take a step back and see where you both stand in terms of where your priorities lie and what you guys are and aren't willing to put up with for another couple years/months etc. As soon as you've done that, you'll know more and be able to judge the pros and cons better. It's hard to say now, because there's so many unknowns. Your relationship is one of those areas where I think you at least have the power to determine what can and can't happen.

[zerogravityfat]

it's a safe bet not to do something for a spouse, you will come to regret it even if you marry him etc, you don't want to resent him from having your career. i think the best thing for you to do is to wait until june to see if you actually get the job and in the mean time apply to jobs around here to see if you have interest so you can have options.

[ReaperKK]

This is a tough one.

Personally I would break down and find out what really matters to me. Do you really like this job? I mean really like it? Does it keep you satisfied and happy, do you come home with a sense of accomplishment? How tough is it to find a permanent job in NJ?

As for Tony it's a really tough situation. I don't know the history of your relationship. Long distance is hard, I've done it a few times and really my opinion on LD relationships is that they can work, if there is a definite date in the future where the LD will end. I've personally have given up two great opportunities on separate occasions to live closer to my gf at the time and even though it didn't work out, I don't resent my move at all. To me I value being closer to someone I care about than a comfortable job.

Anyway, I know I didn't offer any real advice in my morning but you should talk to Tony as soon as possible, and who knows, things may fall into place over the coming months that might make an easier decision.

[bout to crash]

I hate to echo all the tv soothsayers...but with the tough economy n all...any work is good work. And this isn't just "any work" it's work in your field that you're good at. Ya...maybe you'd find some back in NJ. Maybe not.

Keep at it, until they hire you. So that youre resume doesn't say "worked as an intern" it says "I actually worked at". Valuable experience and resume padding you desperately need.

Some good points I have definitely thought about.

Tough situation. I'd talk it out with Tony and see what he thinks if I were you.  Seems like this is one of those inevitable times where you both gotta take a step back and see where you both stand in terms of where your priorities lie and what you guys are and aren't willing to put up with for another couple years/months etc. As soon as you've done that, you'll know more and be able to judge the pros and cons better. It's hard to say now, because there's so many unknowns. Your relationship is one of those areas where I think you at least have the power to determine what can and can't happen.

Very true. There is definitely a lot to talk about but nothing can be decided. Another reason I want to bring it up now is because I'm notoriously avoidant when it comes to bringing stuff up and I don't want to late til the last minute.

it's a safe bet not to do something for a spouse, you will come to regret it even if you marry him etc, you don't want to resent him from having your career. i think the best thing for you to do is to wait until june to see if you actually get the job and in the mean time apply to jobs around here to see if you have interest so you can have options.

This is a good idea. I have looked at some jobs back east but just to kind of get an idea since they obviously won't still be available when I graduate.
Yeah, I don't want to make a decision based on Tony, which is why we need to have a good talk about it. I also don't want him to make a decision based on me, but I will make some arguments in favor of him coming out here because I honestly think he would enjoy it. He's come to visit and said he could live here. He wants to work in a brewery and there are like a million here...

Personally I would break down and find out what really matters to me. Do you really like this job? I mean really like it? Does it keep you satisfied and happy, do you come home with a sense of accomplishment? How tough is it to find a permanent job in NJ?

As for Tony it's a really tough situation. I don't know the history of your relationship. Long distance is hard, I've done it a few times and really my opinion on LD relationships is that they can work, if there is a definite date in the future where the LD will end. I've personally have given up two great opportunities on separate occasions to live closer to my gf at the time and even though it didn't work out, I don't resent my move at all. To me I value being closer to someone I care about than a comfortable job.

Anyway, I know I didn't offer any real advice in my morning but you should talk to Tony as soon as possible, and who knows, things may fall into place over the coming months that might make an easier decision.

Yeah, it's true that having an end date in sight for this past year and a half has really made the LD thing bearable. I'm not sure what it would mean for our relationship if we didn't have that and he wanted to stay in NJ.
And yeah, I really like this job. My supervisor is amazing, the other staff is great overall, my patients are awesome. I learn a lot and I do have a sense of accomplishment, of helping people and giving them what they need. I'm not really sure about the availability of similar jobs in NJ, but I think the hospice I work for is pretty unique in its philosophy and style, so if I were to find a job back east I may find that I don't enjoy the culture as much.
I mean, I can definitely find a job in NJ, but I don't know if I will be able to find the job I really want.
But who knows, by June I may think this isn't the place I want to stay... so you're right, who knows what might happen in the next few months that will affect my decision. Like I said, I know nothing is promised and I can't make any decisions now, but it's still kind of sitting at the back of my mind all the time.

Thanks, y'all

[El Barto]

Just to fuck things up even further, have you spent any time in Colorado outside of Denver?  Like Boulder?  I love Colorado,  and I try to get there once a year.  From what I've seen, Denver is probably my least favorite city there.  I'm merely pointing out that since you've become enamored of Colorado, there are plenty of other places there that you might like a whole lot more.  I mentioned Boulder because it's more of a artsy, college town.  It seems like exactly the sort of place a person such as you would fit in.  A cooler, younger crowd, and the area is about 87.3 times more scenic. 

I'm just thinking that maybe you shouldn't be comparing Denver vs. Jersey if you might discover a different part of the state that makes Denver look like Puerto Rico. 

[bout to crash]

 

Yeah, I have spent some time in other places but not much. Been to Boulder a few times and it's great, but I dunno if I could see myself living there. One of the things that gets me down about Denver is the lack of diversity, and Boulder is even worse. That place is white as fuck. And I do like those kinds of artsy liberal places but I also feel sometimes like those people are living in a bubble.

I promised myself that this school year I would get around and explore the state a bit more. So far I have not done that because I spent my weekends doing homework or messing around in the city... and when I get back in January it's gonna be hardcore ski season so I will have to carefully plan any road trips to try and avoid this hellish traffic I keep hearing about. But yes, I need to plan some weekend road trips and explore a bit, not only for the reasons you're mentioning but also because if I do move back east, I won't have the opportunity again.

So far (besides Boulder) I've been to Pueblo and Ft. Collins briefly, as well as Idaho Springs and hiking in a few places like St. Mary's Glacier and the Morrison/Evergreen area. Oh, and flat eastern boring-as-fuck small town CO where my brother used to live (near the KS/NE borders). That's it

[ZBomber]

  Really tough situation. I definitely think you should talk to Tony and get his opinion on everything, but you really sound like you like this job a lot. And I think if you like your job that much, you should keep it... if Tony is the right guy, then things will work themselves out one way or another.

Hope you are able to make a decision and that decision brings you happiness!

[7StringedBeast]

I think you need to gauge how important this job is to you and whether or not you can't find the same kind of work in NJ.  Considering you are going to be well schooled, it should not be too difficult for you to find a job, especially because you have work experience on top of your degree.

Is this one particular job worth distancing yourself from your friends and family and boyfriend?  You would have to be really happy with that job.  Because once you graduate things are going to change.  You'll be working full days and you'll be hanging out at home a lot more.  (This is what has happened to me since I graduated and got my job).  You find you just don't have as much time to do other things as you used to.  This is relevant cause it can really add loneliness to your life. 

What is your friend situation in Colorado?  Will you still have a lot of friends around after graduation or is everyone going to disperse?

[bout to crash]

Well, as for the friend situation: a lot of people will be dispersing, but some of the people I like the most will remain. My roommate is in a four-year program, so she will be in Denver for at least two more years. This may also mean having a roommate for a while longer (but her boyfriend may be moving out here as well, so that would mean splitting up or getting a bigger place, which would depend on the situation). She is the person I'm closest to out here, so that helps. Also, several of the people I have become friends with in my program are CO natives or have been living here for a while, so they're not going anywhere like the ones who came just for school. I've also been wanting to branch out and make friends in other areas (i.e. people who aren't social workers!) and there is a lot of room for that.

As for the having time thing you mentioned, I'm actually not sure if that will be the case for me. I will have more income and no homework, so when the work day is over I will be able to have more fun without feeling guilty about it. This is something I've been looking forward to about graduation.

As for whether the job is worth it, well... as I said in the OP, it's not that I think I can't find a job back east, but the company I'm working for is very unique and really in line with my own style/philosophy, so although I may be able to find another hospice job in NJ, I may find that it's kind of lame compared to this one. I would not expect the job to be permanent, but it would be a great way to get things going. Another important factor is that in order to become an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), I need a certain number of supervised hours, and I can get those at this company. My supervisor just became an LCSW and kept telling me how grateful she was for this company helping her with that because not every company can/is willing to do it.

Really tough situation. I definitely think you should talk to Tony and get his opinion on everything, but you really sound like you like this job a lot. And I think if you like your job that much, you should keep it... if Tony is the right guy, then things will work themselves out one way or another.

Hope you are able to make a decision and that decision brings you happiness!

Thanks

Yeah, I mean there is that part of me that's thinking "With all the people out there who end up in jobs they hate, you should be fucking grateful you like this place and stick with it" ... but obviously it's never that simple.

[EPICVIEW]

NJ!

[bout to crash]

I was working on a list of things I liked/disliked about each place, and some of my gripes with NJ are:

-overpopulation
-general unfriendliness and attitude of people
-expensive as fuck
-humid
-smelly (well, not all of it but the area I come from )
-my asshole brother is there

And there's more, but I don't have the list on me right now. I'm sure some of you could chime in

[Neon]

Wow, that is a really rough choice.

And I'm not going to sit here and say something cheesy like "Follow your heart" because I know your heart is leading you in many directions.

I would say that, for now, you should continue to do the best job that you can do in your internship.  If you really want to come back to Jersey, then continue to apply for positions in NJ.  And remember, the great thing about NJ is that many other cities with other job opportunities are close without being too far away:  maybe consider Philly, Baltimore, DC or even NYC (although I know that's super expensive). 

I do echo the advice that in this shitty economy, you might want to take a job where you can get it.

But ultimately it's going to boil down to you and Tony.  I would say that if you two are meant to be together, he will tough it out and stay with you even if you choose to stay out there (even if it's just for a few years).  (And likewise, you would stay with him despite his decision to not move out there with you).  If you guys want to stay together, you will find a way to make it work. 

[bout to crash]

Yeah, it's just shitty because having an end in sight made things a lot easier 
I just don't want to do the long distance thing anymore. It's not like it's been terrible. We're both too busy to get really upset about it... but I don't want to have this uncertainty of when we'll be together again hanging over my head.

You're right, there are a lot of places close together on the east coast, here not so much. I could not see myself living or working in NYC but yeah, some other places nearby are possibilities. I would really fucking love to live in Burlington...

[Perpetual Change]

Have you talked to Tony yet? I'm interested to hear how that goes. Also, how long have you guys been doing the distance? I definitely agree that an end in sight is important.

[bout to crash]

No, I'm going to wait til I see him in person (I get there Friday). We've been doing it since last September.

[Dr. DTVT]

Jackie,  I'm not going to try to give you advice because I'm not you and can't fully relate to your situation.  Just some food for thought, not just for you but for anyone who is in the "home vs somewhere else" situation:

A)  You'll make friends where ever you go.  Especially you Jackie.
B)  No matter where you go, some friends will leave you on occasion.
C)  As much as it sucks to say, you need to be happy at work in order to live the rest of your life to the fullest.
D)  You can't be happy at work if you aren't happy with where you live.
E)  Telecommunications allow us to be closer than ever no matter how far away we are.
F)  Most importantly - Everything is going to be OK, no matter what you do. 

[Perpetual Change]

E)  Telecommunications allow us to be closer than ever no matter how far away we are.

This I'm discovering to be very true. I'm so busy anyone, but because I can see and talk to Casey all the time for free I almost feel like we're not that far away a lot of the times.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, true sometimes for me but I miss that touch that the phone/computer can't replace

Jackie,  I'm not going to try to give you advice because I'm not you and can't fully relate to your situation.  Just some food for thought, not just for you but for anyone who is in the "home vs somewhere else" situation:

A)  You'll make friends where ever you go.  Especially you Jackie.
B)  No matter where you go, some friends will leave you on occasion.
C)  As much as it sucks to say, you need to be happy at work in order to live the rest of your life to the fullest.
D)  You can't be happy at work if you aren't happy with where you live.
E)  Telecommunications allow us to be closer than ever no matter how far away we are.
F)  Most importantly - Everything is going to be OK, no matter what you do. 

All really good points. That helped a lot, thanks

I am definitely going to go through this thread again to help add to my pro/con lists and make relevant notes. I never make big decisions without a shitload of writing first

[bout to crash]

So we talked the other night before I came back to Denver and Tony basically said he would think about it but wouldn't say yes or no right now. I told him I didn't expect him to, that I was telling him now so there are no surprises later and he can think about it if this particular situation arises but it may not. We kind of joked about it and talked about some pros and cons, but he seems set on not staying very long if he were to come out here. We'll see what happens. The other social worker is leaving in less than two weeks.

In other news, my cousin is apparently close friends with someone who is the head of a hospice in NJ 

[bout to crash]

Update:

A few months ago, Tony said he would not move to CO.

Right now, I don't think I want to go back east. I just told him that.

::sigh::

I dunno.

[lateralus88]

 

It's okay gurrrrl. We can get some chocolate ice cream, some nail polish and a copy of cosmo. It'll be a total girls night. We can even talk about why we hate men.

[bout to crash]

I hate chocolate ice cream, my nails are already painted (black like my soul), I already know all the sex tricks in Cosmo, and I love men.

Anything else??

[lateralus88]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

[Adami]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bout to crash]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

You're right. Can we just scissor like true girlfriends?

[lateralus88]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

You're right. Can we just scissor like true girlfriends?

Fucking. Finally.

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My place. One hour.

[Sigz]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

You're right. Can we just scissor like true girlfriends?

Fucking. Finally.

*insert south park gif here*

[lateralus88]

Fine fuck it. I bet you don't even want to watch Sex in the City with me.

You're right. Can we just scissor like true girlfriends?

Fucking. Finally.

*insert south park gif here*

Please god no.

[lonestar]

[lateralus88]

But seriously, Jackie, are you doing alright? TALK TO ME WOMANG.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, I'm okay. Just really confused about what I want and where I'm going.

I think I forgot to mention here that I did get a part-time job at the hospice that could turn into a full-time one very soon, as the organization is changing a lot of shit around and new jobs will open. I'm not sure quite what I want job-wise, but that would be an awesome opportunity. I want to stay here with all the beauty, with the family I have here, with the friends I've made. I miss a lot about the east coast, but I'm just not ready to go back. I feel like my time here is not done.

I also am terrified of having to interact with my brother.

But if I do stay here... do I want to be in a long distance relationship indefinitely?

Fuck.

[ReaperKK]

Is there a possibility that Tony moves to Denver?

[Adami]

I have a solution for you Jackie.


2 words: Chicago.