"Oneness"

[AndyDT]

Spritiual books or advisers often say that you are enoguh as you are, or you don't need relationships to make you whole, or if you're looking for a relationship to cure loneliness then it probably won't work. How can you reconcile this with the urge for a significant relationship (spouse, partner etc)?

I read (still reading) a Christian book which says relationships are to meet the need for male-female romance on the way to marriage; another book said that male-female duality is a superficial part of the oneness of all existence i.e it's real but only skims the surface of the depth of being.
Another book said that it was a paradox of life, that we live in the world of the relative and so want a partner but in absolute (God) terms we don't need one.
Another book says that the consequence of life is eternal expansion and you should be aligned with the desires of your inner being.

So there's a duality, you and the other, but part of the same source/creation/etc.

So, what would you say is the spiritual purpose of a significant relationship? You can never achieve true oneness even with sex. Or would you say it is multifaceted -  some degree of oneness, enjoyment, practical benefits, practise of love to another etc?

[El Barto]

Spritiual books or advisers often say that you are enoguh as you are, or you don't need relationships to make you whole, or if you're looking for a relationship to cure loneliness then it probably won't work. How can you reconcile this with the urge for a significant relationship (spouse, partner etc)?

I believe the key here, and you in particular should pay close attention to it, is that you need to be comfortable with yourself before all else.  Once you're in a good place, then you can improve upon your situation with a little girly action, so to speak.  Trying to use companionship to make up for some deficiency will always be a bad plan. 

I directed this at you because I still have no idea what it is that you're actually wanting in a relationship, and I'm not sure you do either.  Getting into a relationship shouldn't be a means to an end.  It should be an embellishment, for lack of a better term. 

And this is just me, but I damn sure wouldn't be taking the Christian approach to personal relationships. 

[AndyDT]

Not sure what you mean by the Christian approach?

I take your point about embellishment, that's like what I figured: to create something new and valuable.

[Ħ]

I think he's referring to the traditional, conservative Christian approach, where it's more of a courtship than dating.

[AndyDT]

What's the difference? If you don't like your dating as a Christian, you have the right not to continue it surely?

[Ħ]

Courtship is very different than dating.  It seems much more respectful of the other person's boundaries.  But that doesn't mean that dating is bad.  Both have their pros and cons.

I am not really sure what you are asking.

[lordxizor]

Basically what I determined is that it's fine and normal to be lonely and to want to fill that lonliness with a romantic relationship. However, your best success in that relationship will come if you're happy with all other aspects of your life. If you're unhappy with your career, have no friends, dislike your appearance, etc and think that finidng a woman is going to make everything all better, likely you're not going to find a woman, and if you do you'll quickly find she doesnt solve all of your problems.

As far as the Christian aspect of it goes, God calls us to be married and to multiply. That's not to say that you shouldn't be content and happy with the life you have if you haven't met your spouse yet. We don't need a relationship to have a fulfilling and Godly life, but a good marriage can make life that much better.

As far as "Christian dating" goes, my experince is that for the vast majority of Christians, dating = dating in the popular sense these days. For many serious Christians, myself included, dating = normal dating minus sex. For an extreme few old fashioned, conservative Christians, dating = courtship with little actual interaction or physical contact.

[AndyDT]

Basically what I determined is that it's fine and normal to be lonely and to want to fill that lonliness with a romantic relationship. However, your best success in that relationship will come if you're happy with all other aspects of your life. If you're unhappy with your career, have no friends, dislike your appearance, etc and think that finidng a woman is going to make everything all better, likely you're not going to find a woman, and if you do you'll quickly find she doesnt solve all of your problems.

As far as the Christian aspect of it goes, God calls us to be married and to multiply. That's not to say that you shouldn't be content and happy with the life you have if you haven't met your spouse yet. We don't need a relationship to have a fulfilling and Godly life, but a good marriage can make life that much better.

As far as "Christian dating" goes, my experince is that for the vast majority of Christians, dating = dating in the popular sense these days. For many serious Christians, myself included, dating = normal dating minus sex. For an extreme few old fashioned, conservative Christians, dating = courtship with little actual interaction or physical contact.

Whe n you say fulfillment do you mean reasonably fulfilled? Because I believe complete fulfillment is impossible because of the ego. That's not to say I disapprove of the ego, constant expansion is something I'm sympathetic to (see Jerry and Esther Hicks books). Neither do I think that "in order to have  relationship you have to be happy being alone first" is the complete truth. Do you?

"Complete" suggest no more can be added which is what's causing confusion here personally. I read it in a book and probably before on websites. It sounds good and then you question it and it falls apart. Something like "reasonably complete and happy" I think woulld be more sensisble and less dogmatic.

My point is if I have a goal to be in a long-term relationship with a more or less ideal woman, then my mind is constantly going to be asking what am I doing about it? This to me can be confused with "unhappiness". I can't go around saying, "only when I don't want a relationship" and have a goal at the same time. And I do have that goal and always have had.

If you can expand your life a bit, change your perspectives etc and get /some/ fulfillment regularly from it that I can understand but the idea you've got to pretend you don't have room for something because nothing can add to what you've got is confusing.

[lordxizor]

You will never be completely happy with your life with or without a woman, so it's silly to wait until you're completely happy being single before looking for someone. If you're reasonably happy with your life, chances are a romantic relationship can make it better.

What that stupid saying really boils down to is that a woman is more likely to be interested in you and your relationship will have a better liklihood of success if you're reasonably happy and confident with most aspects of your life.

[Ħ]

You will never be completely happy with your life with or without a woman, so it's silly to wait until you're completely happy being single before looking for someone. If you're reasonably happy with your life, chances are a romantic relationship can make it better.

What that stupid saying really boils down to is that a woman is more likely to be interested in you and your relationship will have a better liklihood of success if you're reasonably happy and confident with most aspects of your life.

This completely.

Life is a game where you are constantly winning and losing.  You're happy at times; you're sad at times.  Everyone starts off playing singles, but you can play doubles if you think that will make you perform better.

[AndyDT]

You will never be completely happy with your life with or without a woman, so it's silly to wait until you're completely happy being single before looking for someone. If you're reasonably happy with your life, chances are a romantic relationship can make it better.

What that stupid saying really boils down to is that a woman is more likely to be interested in you and your relationship will have a better liklihood of success if you're reasonably happy and confident with most aspects of your life.

Thanks. Doesn't one's life however, become more centred on the partner over time?

[Philawallafox]

Christian perspective:

God saw that it wasn't right for man to be alone so he created a companion (This doesn't make the woman less than a man, just different)

Paul observed that it was good for a man and a woman to get married but they worked better (in ministry) as a bachelor as they didn't have to worry about their family. However he didn't forbid it as he knew that Men do get lonely

Man and wife become one when they have sex. Unfortunately because we're fallen creatures this isn't perfect unity...the only perfect unity we will have will be in heaven which is another reason we have marriages and sex. It's to give us something to look forward to.