Hey guys, having some problems and emotions and hoping someone can give me some solid advice. Also, nsfw.
I'm in the twenty something club with a job and a car and although I live at home, I have goals for the future and am mostly independent. She is two years younger with a job and no car. We were in a relationship for a little over 3 months. She broke up with me four days ago.
Before I begin with my diatribe about her and her family, I want to mention my feelings for this woman, and how I handled the game. I've only been with two other women in significantly longer relationships in the past (I have never liked the party scene or hit it and quit it), and met this girl at my fathers church. She is petite and attractive. In the getting to know her phase preceding our relationship, I noticed we shared a great deal of commonalities about life, attitude, relationships, and many specific topics which communicated to me that she was one to hang on to which I didn't get from other women. We had our little honeymoon phase of lovey dovey bs and when it ended, I took my game very seriously. Everything I did or said after that point was dictated by its value to my idea of keeping her attracted. Whenever I sensed the slightest hint of common reactions to neediness and over-availability, I dropped off the face of the earth and ignored her until she initiated contact. after these times (two in total) she always acted extremely flirtatious and happy to see me and even went so far as to ask me if I missed her. I believed I was doing everything right up until the day of the breakup which means I missed some major red flags. I also tried to keep the sex as interesting as possible by not slipping into a pattern of her getting me off and me ignoring her, trying new techniques, and buying sex toys all of which seemed to have positive results. I treated her like a princess as best I could without jeopardizing attraction.
A little background on her. She comes from a family I would consider broken. Her mother is mid 40s without a husband and has my girlfriend, her 22 year old sister, a child from another relationship who is two, and a female autistic child from an earlier other relationship who is 13 all living in their apartment together. My ex has some pretty strong insecurities due to a lack of any male insight and father figure, and an abusive relationship where she was raped, and several other relationships with people I would categorize as scumbags. Her older sister is overweight, has terrible insecurities about it, and similar problems because of the lack of a father figure, as well as incredible jealousy about our relationship which her and I have discussed at length numerous times. The mother is overwhelmed and has terrible control issues and what I am pretty sure is bipolarity. As a family they have been on numerous state aid services which I believe has fostered a stagnant "do nothing" mentality. Until she met me, she had no job and was entirely dependent on her mom for everything which her mom fully took advantage of by demanding she babysit numerous times during the week and take care of any menial task she could think of. I helped her get a job at Mcdonalds and soon after she started paying for her own cell phone bill to separate herself as much as possible from her mothers control. Her eventual plan was to save money and move out.
But the day comes and she texts me the early morning Sunday at about 3am saying "we need to have a serious talk about our relationship". So she comes to the church, I pull her out back to be alone and ask her to tell me whats on her mind. She says shes not happy with the way I treat/ed her mom, shes not happy the way I talk about her sister while shes around, and she mentioned another time that I believe was me really sticking to my boundaries and not copping to her moms demands. She said those things made her angry and that she thinks we would be better off calling the relationship off and to just be friends. I was hurt, rejected, offended, angry, nervous, resentful and a handful of other emotions in that moment but I tried so very hard to keep a straight face, said ok, and that her friendship was very important to me, smiled and turned around and walked away.
Here's what I believe contributed to her making the decision to break it off:
- She thought about the times I had given her advice and my opinions on her situation and resented me for it, however lightly. On reflection I realized that instead of being supportive, listening, and setting my own boundaries, more often than not I concentrated on pushing her and sometimes aggressively suggesting she make immediate changes.
- Although she constantly bad mouthed both her mom and sister when she was with me, the fact that I took part in it, and at times I was pretty bad, made her really angry. Whenever she voiced concerns of me being out of line though, I was quick to take her aside and tell her she was right and that I was wrong to speak about her family that way.
- Their mother was out of town and she was babysitting her 13 year old autistic sister which was likely the source of a great deal of stress.
- Her sister is truly terrible jealous of us and was saying anything and everything to stir up negative emotions in her about me and our relationship which confused her and stressed her out even more.
- I was in no contact mode because the days preceding I felt like I was too available and needed to back off. To me, this means it hadn't been long enough for her to want to be around me before the thoughts of resent and breakup were brought up by her situation or her sister.
- She was sleep deprived due to stress hence the 3am message.
- I know her cycle, and she is pmsing.
Here's what interaction I have had since the breakup:
- My ex contacted me before I left the church after the breakup and wanted the belongings she was keeping in my car. I gave them to her while being as polite as possible. She also text me later that day and also wanted the sex toys. I told her the ones she bought or helped me buy for her were hers for the taking, but the ones I bought are mine to keep. She was suppose to pick these items up on Monday or Tuesday, but hasn't contacted me or come by to get them.
- Monday afternoon I left individual messages to her mom and sister's cell phones. To the mom I said I knew I had been disrespectful at points but that everything I did was out of inexperience to the situation and that I never truly disliked or did not respect her as a hardworking mother. She responded with this hugely long text message about how she felt the same way and loved me and my family and that she liked how good of a boyfriend I was to her daughter and who knows what the future may hold for our relationship. To the sister I said I was sorry for any behavior she thought was me being rude to her directly, and that I never intended to devalue our friendship or her well being. She is ignoring me or hasn't responded yet.
- She text me last night and said she also needed to give me back a spare car key she had been using.
Other than that, I have not spoken to her or her family since Monday.
I want to reconcile, and I feel the best course of action is no contact because on Monday and Tuesday I felt terrible things, and although today I feel much better, the idea of moving on and leaving this woman behind scares me and sounds like a big mistake.
On the topic of reconciliation, I have some problems. One problem I have is that I see her every week for about an hour and a half during church. The other problem is with the belongings she wants. Should I be the first to give them to her? Should I respond to her texts about these things to set up a drop off or pick up or hand off at church? Should I keep no contact and then be my normal light but cocky self at church when I see her?
I appreciate any tips and thank you for reading my feelings.
Topic: The Non-Lonely Hearts Club (Read 146106 times)
