Song for you. Critique welcome

[sneakyblueberry]

https://www.zshare.net/download/719257708f418fb4/

Here's a little song that I wrote and recorded all on my own.  Its not very proggy, but there is some of that to come.  I tend to just write whatever my brain wants to write when I sit down, whatever comes out, comes out.  Please give it a listen and let me know what you think.  Its pretty much about whats going on in my life now with my leukaemia and being weak from chemo and all that disgusting stuff and just being desperate for... solace, peace, health.  All that good stuff I suppose.  Anyway.  Feel free to ask any questions about anything.

Lyrics if anyone is interested:

V1

"Breathe", she said
"Its not easy so try again.
Your body will wither down as it enters in"
I could sit and watch as the Son of Man
Wanders freely among this land,
Or I could try in my desperation to touch His hand.

Ch

Deep cries out to deep
In the roar of your waterfalls.
All your waves and breakers
Are sweeping over me.

V2

Blood, too bright.
Too much sleep and not much fight.
Too weak to run, too blind to see the end.
Lord, I need you to speak to me,
I am here won't you speak with me?
Cos I need more than this medication I'm drowning in.

[black_biff_stadler]

Kind of a Coheed vibe. Polish up the vocal delivery and you'll be onto something since the music certainly works in its simple, yet melodic, context.

[sneakyblueberry]

Thanks.  Do you mean the chorus vocals?

[black_biff_stadler]

^No. All of them. The style is fine, it just sounds like you may not be fully capable of singing excatly how you really want to yet and that will only come in time. Just keep doing what you're doing cuz you're only gonna get better. Also a higher quality mixing with more even volume leveling may help since the vox were just a touch higher than everything else it seemed. I generally liked it so I mean this as way more of a compliment than criticism and good luck in your creative pursuits and in health.

[sneakyblueberry]

Hahaha thanks man.  I read your first comment and listened back to the vox and realised how weak they sounded.  Your right in saying I'm not where I want to be vocally.  You seem to know a lot about vocals, singing etc, I'd be interested to hear some of your stuff, you must be pretty dang good.

[black_biff_stadler]

Hahaha thanks man.  I read your first comment and listened back to the vox and realised how weak they sounded.  Your right in saying I'm not where I want to be vocally.  You seem to know a lot about vocals, singing etc, I'd be interested to hear some of your stuff, you must be pretty dang good.

Thanks dude. Actually I suck balls altogether at singing. I'm just a guitarist/bassist who noodles sparingly on keyboard. I just have a tendency to (over-?)analyze things while trying to imagine some kind of end result or at least improvement of any kind(maybe I'm a future producer.) I've never sung in any of the projects I've been in but strangely enough sometimes I'll really nail a melody and non-musicians will ask me if I sing so I guess I may not be as bad as I think.

I own The Zen of Screaming I&II(great how-to DVD for proper death vox) and plan on delving into it in the coming months and from what I've seen I think it'll help me gain the diaphragm control I need to hone in on my note control.

Keep posting your recordings cuz I love to see the progress people make and I'm sincerely glad to aid in that as much as I can.

[rumborak]

Ooh, I really like this song. Very nice, very very nice.

rumborak

[sneakyblueberry]

Wow, thanks!

[thecrowing]

Hey, that's pretty sick. Not what I expected ( =  ). The vox aren't really that bad, just need a little more support and with that comes the "acting" portion of good singing. You are certainly headed on the right track.

EDIT: I'm keeping this track in my computer. Finish it..... damnit.
EDIT EDIT: Reminds me of As Tall As Lions.

[sneakyblueberry]

Wow man, thanks very much!  I totally get what you're saying about the 'acting' part of singing.  I was pretty much just trying to get it down, hitting the right notes etc but I'm starting to realise you've gotta put that little bit more into it to help get the message/feeling across.  Of course then you have the task of finding the right balance between the two, without turning into a John Mayer 'obviously-put-on' retard voice.

[thecrowing]

  Beautifully said.  LOL