The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[Rafael Guerra]

I've been going in and out of some weird form of depression lately, not really too sure why, but it's certainly helped me become a bit better as a lyrical/music writer, so I guess I can't really complain.

I think a lot of it is due to the fact that over the past year my world view has changed a lot, and almost all of my optimism is lost for the future, so I don't really think its depression as much as it is just getting used to the "new me". (If that makes any sense.)

But then again no one probably cares (and I shouldn't expect anyone to)

That sounds pretty normal, it might not be depression but just so many new things in your life, that make you feel so different that you could mistake it for that. I wouldn't worry if it's not bothering you too much, but if it still is, then vent in here, broseidon.

As for me, I'm getting kind of worried. I'd like to preface this rant by saying that I hate it when people are diagnosed with stuff such as OCD and depression, and then essentially revel in it, so I'm not doing that here, just observing the signs.

Basically, I'm a pretty OCD person in general, and always have been. I don't just mean checking stuff routinely, I mean the whole shebang, like getting out of bed ten times in a row and readjusting a piece of paper on the other side of the room until it's 'just right,' checking my pockets evero 20 seconds (literally) when I'm out, clicking lights on and off until I get the 'just right' feeling, etc. I'd sort of tried to ignore this as much as possible, but it's been getting pretty bad recently.

Right, part two. I have pretty bad acne, but I'd always wondered why it was so much worse than other people's. I always picked at my spots, but I thought that was at least a little normal, until I discovered this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatillomania That describes exactly how I feel in relation to spots (not the arms and legs stuff, thank God) but I also pick my lips until they bleed, despite knowing full well how bad it is for me. I just feel like I have to have my hands occupied (haha masturbation joke) constantly or I instinctively start picking my lips or face, and it's getting to an almost unbearable point. Finally, there's the whole depression relation thing, which is apparently pretty strong in OCD people, so basically I'm a bit worried that all of this will continue to get worse and I'll end up an insane, rambling mess.

tl;dr: Should I see a doctor about this?

You might find helpful to see a dermatologist. He might recommend you a lotion or something like that. Acne is probably very annoying and painful too, if you have that mania. Just one thing that I wanted to tell from your post, and correct me if I am wrong, but have you actually being diagnosed with OCD? Let me explain.

OCD is common, that's true. But it's also not hard to treat and MANY people think they have OCD when they actually don't. Unlike other disorders such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, OCD does not cause physical symptoms (or at least most forms of it) and you can beat it using your emotional intelligence. For example, try ONLY switching off the lights ONCE, or maybe challenge yourself to wash your hand only before you eat. Will this bother you at that moment? YES. Will you feel good after overcoming it? YES. You will notice that these events do not have an impact on your life or luck. You control them, and not the other way around it.

As for the whole picking problem, this is a matter of releasing energy. You need to release this energy, your fingers need to be moving (either picking on the pocket or the skin). Since you need to release this energy, you just need to find OTHER ways to release it. Maybe get one of those cheap stress balls, playing with a rubber or band or some other silly thing that won't impact your physical state.

This post is coming from someone who overcame a non-diagnosed OCD without any treatment or medical help whatsover. Stay away from the meds unless it's completely necessary. Hope this helps you.

[Rafael Guerra]

I think a lot of it is due to the fact that over the past year my world view has changed a lot, and almost all of my optimism is lost for the future, so I don't really think its depression as much as it is just getting used to the "new me". (If that makes any sense.)

What if you randomly find a winner lottery ticket in the streets? It's actually serious. Doors open everyday and you can't predict what's gonna happen tomorrow. You don't have to be overly-optimistic, in fact, it's great to be down-to-earth in our modern society, but this should not prevent you from having goals or dreams. Tell your "new you" to get a software update 

[Rafael Guerra]

But yet this time I can't move on. Every second I think about her. I can't read, watch or do something without thinking about her. and these thoughts about her kind of hurt me deeply. I just don't know what to do.

If your mind is imprisoned, you need to release it. This involves change. Don't read the same thing or watch the same channel. Go to a new place and find a new activity. Also, if "relationship" problems are frequent for you, you should consider finding a different form of passion that will hold your interest in the long run, maybe start a website, little business, play a sport, learn an instrument, write a book, etc.

[MetalManiac666]

You can quote multiple people in one post you know.

[Marvellous G]

I've been going in and out of some weird form of depression lately, not really too sure why, but it's certainly helped me become a bit better as a lyrical/music writer, so I guess I can't really complain.

I think a lot of it is due to the fact that over the past year my world view has changed a lot, and almost all of my optimism is lost for the future, so I don't really think its depression as much as it is just getting used to the "new me". (If that makes any sense.)

But then again no one probably cares (and I shouldn't expect anyone to)

That sounds pretty normal, it might not be depression but just so many new things in your life, that make you feel so different that you could mistake it for that. I wouldn't worry if it's not bothering you too much, but if it still is, then vent in here, broseidon.

As for me, I'm getting kind of worried. I'd like to preface this rant by saying that I hate it when people are diagnosed with stuff such as OCD and depression, and then essentially revel in it, so I'm not doing that here, just observing the signs.

Basically, I'm a pretty OCD person in general, and always have been. I don't just mean checking stuff routinely, I mean the whole shebang, like getting out of bed ten times in a row and readjusting a piece of paper on the other side of the room until it's 'just right,' checking my pockets evero 20 seconds (literally) when I'm out, clicking lights on and off until I get the 'just right' feeling, etc. I'd sort of tried to ignore this as much as possible, but it's been getting pretty bad recently.

Right, part two. I have pretty bad acne, but I'd always wondered why it was so much worse than other people's. I always picked at my spots, but I thought that was at least a little normal, until I discovered this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatillomania That describes exactly how I feel in relation to spots (not the arms and legs stuff, thank God) but I also pick my lips until they bleed, despite knowing full well how bad it is for me. I just feel like I have to have my hands occupied (haha masturbation joke) constantly or I instinctively start picking my lips or face, and it's getting to an almost unbearable point. Finally, there's the whole depression relation thing, which is apparently pretty strong in OCD people, so basically I'm a bit worried that all of this will continue to get worse and I'll end up an insane, rambling mess.

tl;dr: Should I see a doctor about this?

You might find helpful to see a dermatologist. He might recommend you a lotion or something like that. Acne is probably very annoying and painful too, if you have that mania. Just one thing that I wanted to tell from your post, and correct me if I am wrong, but have you actually being diagnosed with OCD? Let me explain.

OCD is common, that's true. But it's also not hard to treat and MANY people think they have OCD when they actually don't. Unlike other disorders such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, OCD does not cause physical symptoms (or at least most forms of it) and you can beat it using your emotional intelligence. For example, try ONLY switching off the lights ONCE, or maybe challenge yourself to wash your hand only before you eat. Will this bother you at that moment? YES. Will you feel good after overcoming it? YES. You will notice that these events do not have an impact on your life or luck. You control them, and not the other way around it.

As for the whole picking problem, this is a matter of releasing energy. You need to release this energy, your fingers need to be moving (either picking on the pocket or the skin). Since you need to release this energy, you just need to find OTHER ways to release it. Maybe get one of those cheap stress balls, playing with a rubber or band or some other silly thing that won't impact your physical state.

This post is coming from someone who overcame a non-diagnosed OCD without any treatment or medical help whatsover. Stay away from the meds unless it's completely necessary. Hope this helps you.

I haven't been diagnosed, which is why I'm thinking it could well be mainly in my head and I'm blowing it out of all proportion. That's all extremely good advice though, so thanks. I guess I'll try just not giving in to the compulsions, but it's just so difficult not to, I feel like I can't move on with my day until I do. Although I guess I would feel way better afterwards. And the stress ball idea is a really good one; I feel like I use guitar a lot of the time just to keep my hands occupied, so a stress ball is probably a great idea. Thanks very much for the great advice! 

[Dublagent66]

I don't think I can go one single day without someone pissing me off.   

[dethklok09]

I'm fucking pissed off. I cant seem to keep my mind focused on simple and daily tasks, and constantly make elementary, and embarassing mistakes. I fucking keep losing everything also. 

[True Death of Life]

***STEREOTYPICAL TEEN WARNING***


My parents are fucking up my life...my dad especially. I know that they just want to help me, and I truly appreciate that--I really do--but now I'm involuntarily involved in so much drama (mostly having to do with teachers) that I didn't even know was forming in the first place.

It's as if my parents can't stand to see me fail...because next to my older brother, I suck at everything. For example, I got a 76% on my chem test that I was very happy about--and my mom went, "Is that...good?" At least it's better than the "you're not trying enough" lectures I used to get. So yeah, they're trying...but really, I just can't TAKE shit anymore.


Yeah, that rant had absolutely no structure at all. Ah well. Life goes on.

[wolfking]

I don't think I can go one single day without someone pissing me off.   

I'm fucking pissed off. I cant seem to keep my mind focused on simple and daily tasks, and constantly make elementary, and embarassing mistakes. I fucking keep losing everything also. 

You guys are not alone! 

I hate everything at the moment, and I'm just worn out.  I've worked non stop for years and I've finally cracked.  I had a blowout a few days ago at work and since then I don't want to be here.  I'm not productive, I hate everyone and I just want out.

PS: I'm at work right now!

[nightmare_cinema]

Haven't been on this forum in ages, had so much going on. Definitely in the depressed thread kinda mood right now.

Everything's sh*t right now! I watched my mum suffer with alcoholism and a whole range of health problems that stemmed from that since summer 2008, acting like her parent, putting up with lying, and seeing my amazing lovely mum go from the woman who brought me up and taught me so much, to a person so thin she couldn't stand up or walk, discharging herself from hospital every time she got admitted and going straight back to drinking vodka after promising she wouldn't. Eventually she got so sick she couldn't lift a bottle, and finally got admitted to hospital at the beginning of December 2010, the same day I was hospitalised for an overdose on painkillers to relieve a persisten, undiagnosable chronic pain condition. A few weeks later she got pnemonia from some of her feeding tube stuff going into her lungs, then was taken into intensive care, put on an oxygen mask (against her will) and given chance to respond to the antibiotics. She couldn't, she was too weak, four days later her organs had started to pack in, her skin swell up and she didn't wake up much, they thought she could be brain damaged from lack of oxygen. So they took the oxygen mask away, she lived another 25 hours and died the day before Christmas day. I was on my way there when she took her final breath, after days of mega stints at the hospital sleeping on a sofa in the relatives room. One week later, New Year's Eve, we held the funeral, I gave the eulogy... it was hard. I saw her get ill, I saw her die, I saw her body a few times, organised the funeral, and went to the grave a few times since... it didn't feel real for a while, and now it feel so sickeningly real that I feel like I've been punched in the stomach every time something reminds me of her... she's always in my mind and heart, I'm crying nearly every day, I don't believe in an afterlife and it rips my heart to FUCKING SHREDS thinking about how I'm never gonna speak to her, hold her, talk to her, tell her anything ever again, how she isn't gona be there for the big things in my life, etc. She went through SO much, more than I'd wish on my worst enemy, I can't stop thinking of what she went through and how much I'd give to take it away, though I know I tried my best. Keep thinking how she'd have felt if she knew a few years ago that she was going to be dead by Christmas 2010, it wouldn't have made a difference, the hospital and myself told her she was killing herself, but she was unhelpable. Now I just keep replaying the worst of it over and over, replayin our last conversation (her hallucinating), pinning her hands to the bed so she didn't pull her oxygen away ('it's inhumane to restrain'), seeing my brother break down repeatedly, seeing him sat at the side of the bed with his hand on hers once she'd died. Just everything, it's so intense, and I'm coping but.. not so well! Just sat in the dark, I'm up in four hours... listening to the start of something beautiful, thinking things over. It's been twelve weeks, I feel like I'm not getting over it fast enough, everyone kept telling me how I'm dealing with it amazingly and they couldn't do it but I'm not. Been signed off work a month with depression and chronic pain, I keep getting sick (painful urinary tract infections every couple of weeks), and have been on a bad cocktail of drugs trying to find something to ease the pain (morphine, ketamine, tramadol, pregabalin, gabapentin... it's a dangerous game but when the pain's that bad I don't care).

And I'm on the verge of losing my job because of all the sick periods I've had with the infections. Hellooooo depressed thread Just needed to rant...

[nightmare_cinema]

And you know what else... my brother insisted on a burial, not cremation. So now I know where she is, that she's still in existence so to speak, she's about a 20 minute drive away.. so I'm always thinking about how I'm here, she's there six feet under, I know what she's wearing, what's in the coffin and I'm wondering a lot about what kinda state of decomposition she's in now. The whole death and funeral thing is so weird and theoretical at times but the logistical physical aspects are hurting a lot. I'm not the first person in the world to lose someone they love, but it's the first person I've lost who I've loved.

[ClairvoyantCat]

*snip*

This is really one of the most awfully detailed things I have ever read, and I must admit I found it hard to stomach my way through it.  All I can really offer would be to only suggest being careful with the whole drug thing that you mentioned.  I'm fairly certain she wouldn't want you putting yourself in too much danger for her sake, though it is perfectly understandable at the time being, so just try to be safe enough with it.  I've never lost a loved one, but I've never read anything that brought me so close to it before, and I really just hope that things work out for you. 

[nightmare_cinema]

Thanks, I'm really sorry if it hurt to read, I dunno if it's TMI... but it's like, people hear I lost my mum... that's all they know, so it just sounds like something everyone goes through, she coulda been really old for all they know, it coulda been peaceful and so forth. But they don't know the actual nightmare the past few years was and how bad it's been! the drug thing isn't recreational for fun, it's all prescribed medication, I've just been a little bit reckless with the mixing and dosage to try and find pain relief, I'm the last person who'd do hard drugs for fun, trust me.

[ZBomber]

Haven't been on this forum in ages, had so much going on. Definitely in the depressed thread kinda mood right now.
...

*hug*

Hang in there! Don't try and force yourself to get over it, take as much time as you need. I know you have a job and all that, but your mental and physical health is more important at the moment.

[AcidLameLTE]

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that.

I can't imagine what that's like :/

I'm not very good at these things so I all I can really say is that I hope things get better for you soon.

[ClairvoyantCat]

Thanks, I'm really sorry if it hurt to read, I dunno if it's TMI... but it's like, people hear I lost my mum... that's all they know, so it just sounds like something everyone goes through, she coulda been really old for all they know, it coulda been peaceful and so forth. But they don't know the actual nightmare the past few years was and how bad it's been! the drug thing isn't recreational for fun, it's all prescribed medication, I've just been a little bit reckless with the mixing and dosage to try and find pain relief, I'm the last person who'd do hard drugs for fun, trust me.

No, I wasn't suggesting drugs for fun at all!  I was just warning you to be careful with them, and if they help you cope with what you're dealing with then they are probably a good thing.  I should probably go now, I've never dealt with something on this level and I probably have no place here, so I'll just offer the usual naive bit of advice and say that you should definitely take time to let it all settle and don't rush into recovery. 

[Ravenheart]

Wow, well, I don't really know what to say. I was going to say I empathize with dealing with an alcoholic mother, but that was before I read everything else  

All I can really suggest, though this may sound pretty trivial, is to relieve the pain in the healthiest ways possible. Drugs don't heal; they only numb the senses. Try talking to someone, or even vent it all out here. I find venting can really help when you're on the brink of breaking down.

[nightmare_cinema]

Aye I'm being careful trying out other stuff too like acupuncture. Been on different drugs for a couple of years anywho. I didn't mean to sound like i jumped down your throat with that, dtismajesty.

Thanks guys. I wish I could get some sleep but I keep thinking lots of thoughts. Funnily enough I'm up super early to do a course on working with drug and alcohol abusers in prisons... been wanting to do it for a while and am about halfway through now, it's voluntary but I hope it'll lead onto a proper full time job soon so I can escape my terrible current job and do something good, that's definitely something positive to hold onto at least.

[Ravenheart]

I know this may sound terribly cliche, but if you have a million reasons to be miserable and only one to be happy, then hold onto that one little reason and embrace it every second.

I hope everything works out alright. It sounds like you already have your priorities well known and and what it is you intend on doing with your life. That's better than about 98% of people out there right now..

[nightmare_cinema]

Wow, well, I don't really know what to say. I was going to say I empathize with dealing with an alcoholic mother, but that was before I read everything else  

All I can really suggest, though this may sound pretty trivial, is to relieve the pain in the healthiest ways possible. Drugs don't heal; they only numb the senses. Try talking to someone, or even vent it all out here. I find venting can really help when you're on the brink of breaking down.

Thanks... yeah that makes sense. I don't drink, and I don't take drugs for fun. My way of releasing is to talk about it to friends, and to listen to lots and lots of music, generally sad music. I had road salt by PoS on repeat on my ipod while she was in intensive care for those few days and it really hurts to listen to it but i don't think that's a bad thing, it's probably cathartic, I don't believe in trying to avoid pain, it's best to go towards it and try get it all out before you can move on, I dunno how long that's gonna take!

I feel tortured wondering whether she knew she was dying and could understand what we were saying after they stopped giving her oxygen she may have had brain damage or may have been functioning fine mentally and just couldn't speak back to us... I gave up pretending things were going to be okay towards the end and spoke to her with the truth, how she probably knew by then that she was dying and how she shouldn't be scared and we were gonna be fine cos of how she brought us up etc. I know it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't wanna be bullshitted while I lay dying, but I still feel torn about how scared she must have been if she was lucid. Etc. ad infinitum... I'm like a broken record to my friends right now.

[nightmare_cinema]

I know this may sound terribly cliche, but if you have a million reasons to be miserable and only one to be happy, then hold onto that one little reason and embrace it every second.

I hope everything works out alright. It sounds like you already have your priorities well known and and what it is you intend on doing with your life. That's better than about 98% of people out there right now..

It's worth trying to aim for, yes. I have the MOST amazing friends you could ever imagine, people that are there for me whenever I need them if I reached out to them, people who are supportive, know what to say, and make it clear they love me to pieces. I'm incredibly lucky in this regard and I never stop being thankful. I'm also constantly embracing the way music makes me feel!

[Ravenheart]

Wow, well, I don't really know what to say. I was going to say I empathize with dealing with an alcoholic mother, but that was before I read everything else 

All I can really suggest, though this may sound pretty trivial, is to relieve the pain in the healthiest ways possible. Drugs don't heal; they only numb the senses. Try talking to someone, or even vent it all out here. I find venting can really help when you're on the brink of breaking down.

Thanks... yeah that makes sense. I don't drink, and I don't take drugs for fun. My way of releasing is to talk about it to friends, and to listen to lots and lots of music, generally sad music. I had road salt by PoS on repeat on my ipod while she was in intensive care for those few days and it really hurts to listen to it but i don't think that's a bad thing, it's probably cathartic, I don't believe in trying to avoid pain, it's best to go towards it and try get it all out before you can move on, I dunno how long that's gonna take!

I feel tortured wondering whether she knew she was dying and could understand what we were saying after they stopped giving her oxygen she may have had brain damage or may have been functioning fine mentally and just couldn't speak back to us... I gave up pretending things were going to be okay towards the end and spoke to her with the truth, how she probably knew by then that she was dying and how she shouldn't be scared and we were gonna be fine cos of how she brought us up etc. I know it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't wanna be bullshitted while I lay dying, but I still feel torn about how scared she must have been if she was lucid. Etc. ad infinitum... I'm like a broken record to my friends right now.

I know this may sound terribly cliche, but if you have a million reasons to be miserable and only one to be happy, then hold onto that one little reason and embrace it every second.

I hope everything works out alright. It sounds like you already have your priorities well known and and what it is you intend on doing with your life. That's better than about 98% of people out there right now..

It's worth trying to aim for, yes. I have the MOST amazing friends you could ever imagine, people that are there for me whenever I need them if I reached out to them, people who are supportive, know what to say, and make it clear they love me to pieces. I'm incredibly lucky in this regard and I never stop being thankful. I'm also constantly embracing the way music makes me feel!

Music is a great anti-depressant. I actually find that depressing music helps me cheer up when I feel like shit, which is most of the time. I think knowing that someone out there, at least one point in time, felt down the way you did, kind of alleviates the emotional pain.

And it's great you have friends to vent to! Cherish that. Real friends are those who you can turn to at any time for anything. Most people may have a lot of acquaintances, maybe even close acquaintances, but friends are in a whole other league. The value of friendship is something a lot of people don't understand, sadly.

[Jirpo]

Well I know this isn't really that bad at all, I just finished school and I'm here at Uni. I can't seem to bring myself to study. I've always been one of the smartest in the class, even here at the best Uni in the state doing a hard degree I am one of the smartest, but I can't seem to find my focus and study and because of that I am not doing very well in one of my subjects. I just feel kinda hopeless, when I waste time I should be doing studying (something I have always done) I feel angry at myself and a little depressed. Is their anything I can do? I know this problem isn't really as bad as most peoples but its just something that I hate.

As for music, I get depressed by a lot of slow music when I'm feeling down, but when I'm happy I'm fine to listen to it. When I'm down I usually listen to something like Judas Priest - Painkiller or Metallica/Slayer.

[sonatafanica]

For the past year or so I've been stuck in this huge rut where I'm like, "life, throw some awesome stuff at me, I'm brave and I'm ready for anything" but instead I live the most boring existence ever, just wasting my youth stuck in my room.

The college I go to is not very big and is occupied by people who already have friends or just want to go to class and get it over with.

It just sucks because I'm really adventurous and I love to rise to every occasion I can, but there is nothing. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind all the time and there's nothing I can do about it. It would be awesome if I had some options, but I don't. My only option is to sit around and be a lame sap.

[dethklok09]

For the past year or so I've been stuck in this huge rut where I'm like, "life, throw some awesome stuff at me, I'm brave and I'm ready for anything" but instead I live the most boring existence ever, just wasting my youth stuck in my room.

The college I go to is not very big and is occupied by people who already have friends or just want to go to class and get it over with.

It just sucks because I'm really adventurous and I love to rise to every occasion I can, but there is nothing. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind all the time and there's nothing I can do about it. It would be awesome if I had some options, but I don't. My only option is to sit around and be a lame sap.

Is there any sports or teams you can join? Any interest in forming a musical group?

[xShammas]

I've been depressed for about 6 years I want to say, and it's not fun. It started when my parents split up, and I've dealt with a lot of personal troubles since then. The thing that kept me sane is music. The most important thing in dealing with depression is having a close friend or family member that you can talk to. I go to my best friend a lot, and at times it feels like I'm a burden to him, but I know that it's not a problem and that's the key. Having a REAL friend, not just someone who claims to be is important. The one thing that made me feel better than anything else was a girl who I fell in love with (or thought I did, but who really knows?). After knowing what that feels like, that's really all I want in life now. In my opinion, money and material possessions will make you happy, but it's like a drug effect. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn't get rid of them. You won't really be "happy". The thing that will make you truly happy is someone to love and care for, and who loves and cares for you.

[ZBomber]

For the past year or so I've been stuck in this huge rut where I'm like, "life, throw some awesome stuff at me, I'm brave and I'm ready for anything" but instead I live the most boring existence ever, just wasting my youth stuck in my room.

The college I go to is not very big and is occupied by people who already have friends or just want to go to class and get it over with.

It just sucks because I'm really adventurous and I love to rise to every occasion I can, but there is nothing. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind all the time and there's nothing I can do about it. It would be awesome if I had some options, but I don't. My only option is to sit around and be a lame sap.

Come up to my college in MA and we can tell each other amusing anecdotes.

[ClairvoyantCat]

For the past year or so I've been stuck in this huge rut where I'm like, "life, throw some awesome stuff at me, I'm brave and I'm ready for anything" but instead I live the most boring existence ever, just wasting my youth stuck in my room.

The college I go to is not very big and is occupied by people who already have friends or just want to go to class and get it over with.

It just sucks because I'm really adventurous and I love to rise to every occasion I can, but there is nothing. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind all the time and there's nothing I can do about it. It would be awesome if I had some options, but I don't. My only option is to sit around and be a lame sap.

Unfortunately, I feel a lot like you do.  Well, not a whole lot.  I still have enough people and options to things with.  But I do kind of hate myself for keeping myself walled up in my room listening to music or writing or playing piano while there is a fucking beautiful world out there. 

I guess I actually have a world full of options in front of me and I'm too fucking lazy to take advantage of any of them.  As in, I love to take walks, but I avoid them for no real reason at all and tell myself that I'm using my time better by staying in here.  Fuck this room.  Fuck this comfortable shithole. 

[sonatafanica]

I hear you.


I went to a book store today just to browse through all the graphic novels and get out of the house. It felt kind of good.

[dethklok09]

Fucking stressed about fundraising for my rowing team. I have to raise over a thousand dollars because my school doesnt do fucking shit. I know rowing doesn't make alot of income, no way in hell. But I believe some money can go to it. Of course our state is supposed to be getting a budget cut soon for school. There is one silver lining though, since the schoo HAS NOT PAYED ANYTHING WHATSOEVER they can't cut the sport. Other than that life is going o.k. for me I guess. I still feel haunted by this depression I am in and have absolutely no motivation for anything.
Edit: to add to my pathetic crybaby post. I've really been feeling about giving up my dreams to be an artist of any kind such as writing, drawing/painting, and music. I just feel that I am terrible at drawing/painting and o.k. at writing and music. It just seems like such a big risk, as much as I dont want to just give in I feel pressured I have to.

[nightmare_cinema]

  I found my long lost sister a couple of days ago, the person I knew existed but haven't been around since I was 1. She was in the local paper, just been given a four year prison sentence for arson... so now I gotta decide should I go try to establish contact with her, or let it go? Could be a whole new can of worms because she looks like a heroin addict/alcoholic at the least. I always thought I would try find her once my mum died but I didn't expect it to surface so quickly and easily!

I can't handle another addict in my life yet if that's the case, but on the other hand I'll always be wondering... what if? She's my sister, yet a woman I've never known and don't have a clue about. On one hand I want to get to know her, if she wants to, she seems like she is at such a low point in her life and I'm the kinda person who wants to be there for people. But personally I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with the consequences if they're bad, not atm. Thoughts?

[In The Name Of Rudess]

In my opinion, money and material possessions will make you happy, but it's like a drug effect. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn't get rid of them. You won't really be "happy". The thing that will make you truly happy is someone to love and care for, and who loves and cares for you.

That won´t make you happy either. Sure, it will for a while, but a romantic relationship does the same thing as money and material possessions. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn´t get rid of them. Your thought is not so strange, because relationships are more effective in repressing your negative emotions than money. But in essence it´s the same thing. Romance pretends to fills our gaps, so we can feel loved, we feel needed. What´s more, if you only regard a partner as something to make you happy, things won´t work out too well. I´m not saying romantic relationships are bad, but you need to accept and be happy with yourself before you start a relationship. Otherwise you are just using the other person to make yourself feel better. If you have no love for yourself, how can you give love to others? Neediness doesn´t equal romance. Humans are per definition alone. Even if you´re in a relationship you´re still alone. Romance, money and material possessions are merely the cover-ups for this sense of fragmentation. Accept your aloneness, and be happy.

[nightmare_cinema]

In my opinion, money and material possessions will make you happy, but it's like a drug effect. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn't get rid of them. You won't really be "happy". The thing that will make you truly happy is someone to love and care for, and who loves and cares for you.

That won´t make you happy either. Sure, it will for a while, but a romantic relationship does the same thing as money and material possessions. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn´t get rid of them. Your thought is not so strange, because relationships are more effective in repressing your negative emotions than money. But in essence it´s the same thing. Romance pretends to fills our gaps, so we can feel loved, we feel needed. What´s more, if you only regard a partner as something to make you happy, things won´t work out too well. I´m not saying romantic relationships are bad, but you need to accept and be happy with yourself before you start a relationship. Otherwise you are just using the other person to make yourself feel better. If you have no love for yourself, how can you give love to others? Neediness doesn´t equal romance. Humans are per definition alone. Even if you´re in a relationship you´re still alone. Romance, money and material possessions are merely the cover-ups for this sense of fragmentation. Accept your aloneness, and be happy.

I agree with this. You have to be happy alone, with yourself, and comfortable with your own company before you can be happy in a relationship. Balanced, healthy, fulfilling relationships add a degree of awesomeness to life but they won't make anybody happy, and if you're miserable and lonely to begin with a potential partner will sense that desparation and run a mile. It sounds crazy but the only thing that can make you happy is yourself, whatever situation you're in and whatever's going wrong, you can choose to be happy.. it will be fake and forced at first but you will eventually begin to feel the way you're acting, I reckon.

If you're sad alone without a relationship you should get some counselling or therapy to learn to be happy with your life. And don't forget, even once you do find reciprocated 'love', it can disappear in the blink of an eye, you can be left, cheated on, the person you thought you knew can turn out to be everything you despise in another human being, and if you've placed too much emphasis on what a partner will do for your life then breathed a sigh of relief once you have a partner you'll be left in an even worse state than you were to begin with.

That's not aimed at anyone just general thoughts..

[xShammas]

In my opinion, money and material possessions will make you happy, but it's like a drug effect. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn't get rid of them. You won't really be "happy". The thing that will make you truly happy is someone to love and care for, and who loves and cares for you.

That won´t make you happy either. Sure, it will for a while, but a romantic relationship does the same thing as money and material possessions. It just pushes the bad feelings away, it doesn´t get rid of them. Your thought is not so strange, because relationships are more effective in repressing your negative emotions than money. But in essence it´s the same thing. Romance pretends to fills our gaps, so we can feel loved, we feel needed. What´s more, if you only regard a partner as something to make you happy, things won´t work out too well. I´m not saying romantic relationships are bad, but you need to accept and be happy with yourself before you start a relationship. Otherwise you are just using the other person to make yourself feel better. If you have no love for yourself, how can you give love to others? Neediness doesn´t equal romance. Humans are per definition alone. Even if you´re in a relationship you´re still alone. Romance, money and material possessions are merely the cover-ups for this sense of fragmentation. Accept your aloneness, and be happy.

I agree with this. You have to be happy alone, with yourself, and comfortable with your own company before you can be happy in a relationship. Balanced, healthy, fulfilling relationships add a degree of awesomeness to life but they won't make anybody happy, and if you're miserable and lonely to begin with a potential partner will sense that desparation and run a mile. It sounds crazy but the only thing that can make you happy is yourself, whatever situation you're in and whatever's going wrong, you can choose to be happy.. it will be fake and forced at first but you will eventually begin to feel the way you're acting, I reckon.

If you're sad alone without a relationship you should get some counselling or therapy to learn to be happy with your life. And don't forget, even once you do find reciprocated 'love', it can disappear in the blink of an eye, you can be left, cheated on, the person you thought you knew can turn out to be everything you despise in another human being, and if you've placed too much emphasis on what a partner will do for your life then breathed a sigh of relief once you have a partner you'll be left in an even worse state than you were to begin with.

That's not aimed at anyone just general thoughts..

Well I act happy and don't really show how I'm feeling a lot, but once I start getting close to someone, I can't hide it. I've been through a lot, I know we all have, and maybe I'm just going through a rough patch right now. But I don't really now what a rough patch is when it's like that all the time. You can't try and tell me that you would be just as happy without your boyfriend though. I just don't really know what I want or anything, there's a lot going on. I value personal relationships so much higher than money, and I can't ever imagine choosing that over a loved one. Of course it would be an exception if the person was preventing me from doing what I wanted, but in that case they wouldn't really love me.

[LCArenas]

You lonely guys should be a little grateful that you depend on no one. Currently I have a distance relationship. Yeah, it's only for fools, it's just for losers, I know, whatever. She had to go and now she's studying far away in a distant city -And country- and we hoped that she could come back in October/December of this year. A lot of things happened and she finally was left to choose between finishing her career next year and then coming back here, or come back this year but finish her career later. She chose the obvious option (First one). Now it seems she won't come back until January 2013, and not even that is sure. I'm happy for her (For real) and I know I must not be selfish, she has a future to fulfill and dreams to accomplish, but GOD FUCKING DAMMIT FORGIVE ME, IT HURTS LIKE HELL. I'm starting to think that between now and that distant time (Can a man wait that much? Two years...) there will be only pain and suffering, and she will get tired of me, and dump me for some guy who actually can do something for her and be with her. I'm starting to think I'm just not that important. She has a life over there. Why would a piece of steaming shit like me be more important for her than her friends and interests she can actually hug, kiss, and make her laugh? I'm just tying her life up and tiring everything she does. I do nothing but bother her with my existentialist bullshit and with my complex personality. I'm a bum in her life, a fucking obstacle. And I don't know what can make me think otherwise. I love her. I know I'm too young to say that but fuck it. That's it... I love her and I'll wait for her, but I fear that she will find someone else who can make her happy, a gentleman who can show her how important she is physically, and not a hopeless and helpless idiot, an immature and worthless mere shell of a human being like me, that can't do anything for her because I'm far away.

I know I'm being a crybaby here, that I need to cheer up and face this shit like a real man. But I need to discharge this sorrow somewhere, in a place where people barely know who I am. A place where people will read... And where she won't.

So that's pretty much everything I have to say.