Haven't been on this forum in ages, had so much going on. Definitely in the depressed thread kinda mood right now.
Everything's sh*t right now! I watched my mum suffer with alcoholism and a whole range of health problems that stemmed from that since summer 2008, acting like her parent, putting up with lying, and seeing my amazing lovely mum go from the woman who brought me up and taught me so much, to a person so thin she couldn't stand up or walk, discharging herself from hospital every time she got admitted and going straight back to drinking vodka after promising she wouldn't. Eventually she got so sick she couldn't lift a bottle, and finally got admitted to hospital at the beginning of December 2010, the same day I was hospitalised for an overdose on painkillers to relieve a persisten, undiagnosable chronic pain condition. A few weeks later she got pnemonia from some of her feeding tube stuff going into her lungs, then was taken into intensive care, put on an oxygen mask (against her will) and given chance to respond to the antibiotics. She couldn't, she was too weak, four days later her organs had started to pack in, her skin swell up and she didn't wake up much, they thought she could be brain damaged from lack of oxygen. So they took the oxygen mask away, she lived another 25 hours and died the day before Christmas day. I was on my way there when she took her final breath, after days of mega stints at the hospital sleeping on a sofa in the relatives room. One week later, New Year's Eve, we held the funeral, I gave the eulogy... it was hard. I saw her get ill, I saw her die, I saw her body a few times, organised the funeral, and went to the grave a few times since... it didn't feel real for a while, and now it feel so sickeningly real that I feel like I've been punched in the stomach every time something reminds me of her... she's always in my mind and heart, I'm crying nearly every day, I don't believe in an afterlife and it rips my heart to FUCKING SHREDS thinking about how I'm never gonna speak to her, hold her, talk to her, tell her anything ever again, how she isn't gona be there for the big things in my life, etc. She went through SO much, more than I'd wish on my worst enemy, I can't stop thinking of what she went through and how much I'd give to take it away, though I know I tried my best. Keep thinking how she'd have felt if she knew a few years ago that she was going to be dead by Christmas 2010, it wouldn't have made a difference, the hospital and myself told her she was killing herself, but she was unhelpable. Now I just keep replaying the worst of it over and over, replayin our last conversation (her hallucinating), pinning her hands to the bed so she didn't pull her oxygen away ('it's inhumane to restrain'), seeing my brother break down repeatedly, seeing him sat at the side of the bed with his hand on hers once she'd died. Just everything, it's so intense, and I'm coping but.. not so well! Just sat in the dark, I'm up in four hours... listening to the start of something beautiful, thinking things over. It's been twelve weeks, I feel like I'm not getting over it fast enough, everyone kept telling me how I'm dealing with it amazingly and they couldn't do it but I'm not. Been signed off work a month with depression and chronic pain, I keep getting sick (painful urinary tract infections every couple of weeks), and have been on a bad cocktail of drugs trying to find something to ease the pain (morphine, ketamine, tramadol, pregabalin, gabapentin... it's a dangerous game but when the pain's that bad I don't care).
And I'm on the verge of losing my job because of all the sick periods I've had with the infections. Hellooooo depressed thread
Just needed to rant...