The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[cramx3]

I'm trying so hard Marc.  Just want to make it through this year and Lisa's treatment.  We are going to get 2 new kitties after Lisa's treatment.

You got this man, you've been through so much and have overcome, you can keep pushing through. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Stadler]

I'm trying so hard Marc.  Just want to make it through this year and Lisa's treatment.  We are going to get 2 new kitties after Lisa's treatment.

You WILL, buddy, you WILL. 

[TAC]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though.

Holy cow, Joe, I didn't know. Lots of hugs to the whole Kingdom from both the Indies. Fight like a Cowens!

The one good news is I had my bariactic surgery in Feburary and im down 174 pounds.  From 437 to 263 right now.  40 more pounds to go.

See? You just worry about what you can control and you'll be good. I know it. Lisa is in good hands with her upcoming treatments. Not to say it'll be easy, but there's a plan, and light at the end of the tunnel.

Can't help you with the cat thing.

[King Postwhore]

I got the cat thing. I got the Queen thing. I've got the 40 more pounds thing. I keep trucking forward.

[Indiscipline]

[King Postwhore]

I did that in high school on a hard rubber court and went feet over torso because my face and shoulder skidded on the rubber court. I got up like nothing happened. 

I heart the crowd gasp then I felt the pain. Lol

I had sexy girls carry my books to class the next 3 days at school carry my books but I lived putting Vaseline on my rashes. Chick's dug how I got those rashes. Lol

[TAC]

I had sexy girls carry my books to class the next 3 days at school

Probably from the lockup doing community service.

I lived putting Vaseline on my rashes.

Is there any other way to live?

[King Postwhore]

Dude. I was a king before I was a king!

[TAC]

[King Postwhore]

It makes me so happy. Love all you DTF'ers.

[wolfking]

.

[wolfking]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though.

Holy cow, Joe, I didn't know. Lots of hugs to the whole Kingdom from both the Indies. Fight like a Cowens!

The one good news is I had my bariactic surgery in Feburary and im down 174 pounds.  From 437 to 263 right now.  40 more pounds to go.

Fucking outstanding.

[jingle.boy]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

[King Postwhore]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

[jingle.boy]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

[ReaperKK]

That's terrible Chad, have you considered maybe talking to a therapist?

[King Postwhore]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

I absolutely get that but when you feel the need to poke your head out,  I'm there for you.

[Lonk]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Been there before, and sometimes its the little moments that help you crawl out of it.

I know I'm just a stranger here, but if there is anything I can do, I'm just a message away.

[Evermind]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

I absolutely get that but when you feel the need to poke your head out,  I'm there for you.

Agreed. You have my number/Whatsapp if you ever need to reach out.

And hang in there Chad, I don't know about Canada but it's been absolutely dreary here this month and it's also affecting everyone. Hopefully with the spring coming soon it'll get better for you.

I can send you more shitty music too if that helps.

[Jamesman42]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

I get it man. I was there for a while in my early 20s (remember that crazy version of me circa 2011? some of my lowest points).

One thing that helped me was to realize that depression is a strong force acting on you, but you can overcome it, and you keep going until it falls off of you or you find the solutions. Which is why you probably don't actually want to kill yourself. You want to get through this because you know it's not always this way.

Much love, brother. I am here as well.

[Cool Chris]

I always hate when I see this thread at the top of the page.

I've been there, I spent years wondering who would show up at my funeral if something happened. I knew a couple people cared, and that helped a lot, just knowing they might miss me if I was gone. Honestly, I have no idea how I got out of it. But I do know it was gradual. It's not all rainbows and gumdrops now, but it is better. It can and will happen for you too.

[Harmony]

I stumbled upon this last week.  I can't say I'm a huge BBT fan but this resonated with me on a level that is hard to put into words.  He describes exactly how I feel in my grief over the loss of my sister well on 2 years ago now.

I know many here are dealing with grief and loss.  Maybe it will help.  I hope it does....at least as much as anything could ever possibly help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Pn3y7S5FAw

[TAC]

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

I absolutely get that but when you feel the need to poke your head out,  I'm there for you.

Same.

Always pulling for you!

[Indiscipline]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

It takes a strong man to write a post like that, Chad.

[wolfking]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

First off, thank you for baring your soul to us Chad.  I know you've been a big advocate to me about sharing feelings and not letting the whole 'toxic masculinity' thing overpower you, so kudos for practicing what you preach and sharing such a raw post.  That's commendable and demands more respect again from me.

I'll add a different spin and just simply say I can relate to a lot of what you say here.  I know we can go into specifics offline if you like, but just know that you're not alone with these sorts of feelings.  I am in no way comparing because I know the history you've had and it doesn't compare, nor should it, but for it to come to this point is scary mate.  But just know the last couple of years, I have been able to relate more than ever, if that's any sort of comfort.  I'm sure there's others here that could relate in one way or another and these sorts of posts while putting your feelings out there is hard, may help others realise certain thoughts and feelings are more prevalent in some of us than they think.

Love ya, Chad. Reach out any time.

Here's the thing tho ... when you're as down as I was, when eating feels like "what's the point?", reaching out to even those that I know love and care about me also feels like "what's the point?"

I just wanted to crawl into the deep dark black hole that my emotions were in, and stop. Stop everything. Literally.... everything.

I get it man. I was there for a while in my early 20s (remember that crazy version of me circa 2011? some of my lowest points).

One thing that helped me was to realize that depression is a strong force acting on you, but you can overcome it, and you keep going until it falls off of you or you find the solutions. Which is why you probably don't actually want to kill yourself. You want to get through this because you know it's not always this way.

Much love, brother. I am here as well.

I think though some can overcome it and some can't, each individual is different.  I think the cliche thinking of one foot in front of the other plus things like 'it's a low point, keep powering through, it will pass,' certainly has their place and sometimes is all the hope you need to ride those peaks and valleys.  I think some can suppress things for a period of time and that's a success until things come back again.  I'm starting to think personally it's something you can never fully conquer, just accept it and learn to live with your own mind. 

The thing is if I can relate to Chad, there's nothing anyone can say or do to help in these times, no matter how good the intentions are.  The care and support certainly goes a long way and is comforting, but over the last 2 years I've had people tell me all the positive things in the world but on those days you just think, 'meh, whatever, I still feel like shit.'  Personally I've changed and I'm accepting that.

Chad, much love, you don't deserve to feel like this.  Stay strong, you've helped me immensely over time with your words and advice, so I know you can start to climb out of the hole again.

[Jamesman42]

Oh for sure, I didn't mean to overcome it entirely, but to get through this current bout with it. Once you ever have depression, it seems you have a chance of getting back to that state.

And agreed on the kind words. I'm sure you and I and everyone has good intentions in support of him, but it can really not matter in that moment when the depression just envelopes you. It's been a long time for me, and sometimes I'll start to feel a little that way, but I remember those feelings. Just hoping a good guy gets over this and maybe something we say might tell his brain to get out of that funk.

[wolfking]

Oh for sure, I didn't mean to overcome it entirely, but to get through this current bout with it. Once you ever have depression, it seems you have a chance of getting back to that state.

And agreed on the kind words. I'm sure you and I and everyone has good intentions in support of him, but it can really not matter in that moment when the depression just envelopes you. It's been a long time for me, and sometimes I'll start to feel a little that way, but I remember those feelings. Just hoping a good guy gets over this and maybe something we say might tell his brain to get out of that funk.

No, I didn't mean to discredit your words mate, they were spot on.  Sorry if that came off that way.

No matter what, positive words from multiple people who like the guy is never any harm, no matter how he's feeling.  It could be just that that helps someone to just tell themselves to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Jamesman42]

All good man! It's been nice to discuss this, I've had a bit of down time myself and it's almost therapeutic to talk on here.

[ProfessorPeart]

My wife just had another episode recently. She had been struggling for weeks/months with bad thoughts and other things. She was trying to power through and then a few Saturdays ago she goes upstairs and comes back down with a packed bag and her CPAP machine. I got the message. Got dressed and drove her to the hospital. She got admitted and spent a week in there. Now she is doing 4 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy which she goes to 5 days a week all day.

I realize something like that would be hard for a lot of people, but she needs this every few years. This was the first time she ever proactively packed a bag. I got the message without her having to say anything.

Turns out it was a good thing. Not only did she need a major med adjustment, they discovered she was suffering from serotonin syndrome as well which only made things worse. A few weeks on and she is in a much better place.

Not sure how that helps, but I guess I'm saying, as someone on the other side of this, I get it and eventually you will hopefully move past this episode.

[gmillerdrake]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

As many have mentioned Chad....just a phone call or text away. From reading your posts I know it's not that easy and that I probably don't have any magic words that can ease your suffering....but put it in your heart and mind that you have a lot of folks who are willing and able to fill a need if you so desire. Much love to you

[wolfking]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

As many have mentioned Chad....just a phone call or text away. From reading your posts I know it's not that easy and that I probably don't have any magic words that can ease your suffering....but put it in your heart and mind that you have a lot of folks who are willing and able to fill a need if you so desire. Much love to you

I think we are all just willing to listen.  Sometimes that's all that's needed.

All good man! It's been nice to discuss this, I've had a bit of down time myself and it's almost therapeutic to talk on here.

It is good to put these real raw emotions out there at times.  Good thing about here how great everyone is and no one passing an ounce of judgement.

[wolfking]

My wife just had another episode recently. She had been struggling for weeks/months with bad thoughts and other things. She was trying to power through and then a few Saturdays ago she goes upstairs and comes back down with a packed bag and her CPAP machine. I got the message. Got dressed and drove her to the hospital. She got admitted and spent a week in there. Now she is doing 4 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy which she goes to 5 days a week all day.

I realize something like that would be hard for a lot of people, but she needs this every few years. This was the first time she ever proactively packed a bag. I got the message without her having to say anything.

Turns out it was a good thing. Not only did she need a major med adjustment, they discovered she was suffering from serotonin syndrome as well which only made things worse. A few weeks on and she is in a much better place.

Not sure how that helps, but I guess I'm saying, as someone on the other side of this, I get it and eventually you will hopefully move past this episode.

Great to hear after all she's going through mate she came out more positive with this recent episode.  Must be hard for both of you, can't even imagine.  It's good you have each other.

[jingle.boy]

lots to touch on here.  First, my heart goes out to everyone living in pain, including Mrs. Peart and Harmony. 

This is how I like to express my depression ... some say they suffer from it, I say I live with it.  For me, it's no difference than having any form of chronic physical illness - arthritis, or MS, or something like that.  Some days it's barely noticeable, some days it's tough, and others it's debilitating.  But it's always there.  I know the REALLY bad times won't last forever, but (for me) they don't just fall off. 

As I reflect on my life, I've always had it (at least as far back as my teens), I just didn't recognize it for what it was until my mid-30s, or suppressed it with various means (drugs in my teens; partying/alcohol in my early 20s; love/infatuation in my late 20s; parenthood in my early 30s).

Therapy ... yeah, I would like to, but for reasons I don't want to go in to, while it would be helpful on one hand, it would likely be detrimental on another.  It's complicated.

@ Chris... the thought of "who would attend my funeral" is something that comes up in my mind a lot - especially in those really dark times.

As I said, things have been a little better the past week, but the 'hangover' of deep depression will almost always linger for a while... and it is for me at the moment.

Thanks to you all for the thoughts and comments.   

[emtee]

It's tough to read these posts. So many people struggling.

I have to relate a story. I have 2 large Rubbermaid totes full of photos. Every time I move I say to myself, "I need to sort through these and weed out the ones that don't matter," but I've never done it until this weekend. I'm one of these people who have spent their lives thinking that things were better back when and longing to go back but after spending hours going through those photos, I was faced with having to admit that things were never better. I saw every chapter of my life in those photos and got so depressed that I ended up throwing three quarters of the photos into garbage bags. But for some reason I didn't throw them into the trash can. They sat there on the floor. Saturday night I had horrible dreams that were driven by those photos. So many of them were family members and friends that are gone now. I have to work on identifying negative thought patterns and telling myself that I get to make the decision to rectify those thoughts and convert them into something positive and not slip into the trap of telling myself that things were better when I was younger. They weren't. I have to figure out a way to be OK with the here and now because time is running out for me to find happiness.

[cramx3]

It's kinda nice that "this topic has not been posted in for at least 90 days."

It's been a brutal February.  I think I've been as low in my life as I've ever been. Living with depression sucks.  For me, there are many many different layers and nuances to what's triggered it, but there was a period of about 10 days where nothing mattered.  Literally nothing - there were times I didn't even care about or have the energy to eat.  I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there - I was driving on the highway one day, passing a big transport truck and though "if he sideswiped me into the ditch, that wouldn't be so bad".  I don't know where I got the energy to put on a brave face and make it thru my work days.  The past few days have been better, but it's a pretty big hole to have to climb out of.  I'm still mostly faking my way thru things.

I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
         --Unknown


... but I'm trying to get back there.

This is tough to read, but since you put it out there it must mean that you do have the desire to feel better.  You recognize it and want it to be better.  I'm not going to sit here and act like I know how to make it better, but I can say confidently that I know it can happen.  You've got a lot of people here who enjoy your presence and know you are a good dude. Some of us are quite looking forward to hanging out together later this year.  You'll get back there, you are not "gone"