The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[Glasser]

Glasser, I get it. My dad would do cocaine with my brother when my brother was 19. They ruined their lives (and are now both dead) and for me, I had to give a lot of distance between them and myself because I was getting my own life in order. I couldn't imagine trying to reconcile with the trauma you faced.

Damn! I'm so sorry to hear that. You said it, I need to focus on myself and my own 4 walls. Losing both parents within 2 years and having extreme fallout with my brother is awful but a crippling toxic relationship is not something I'm willing to be subjected to. Believe me, I wish things were different.

[Jamesman42]

Glasser, I get it. My dad would do cocaine with my brother when my brother was 19. They ruined their lives (and are now both dead) and for me, I had to give a lot of distance between them and myself because I was getting my own life in order. I couldn't imagine trying to reconcile with the trauma you faced.

Damn! I'm so sorry to hear that. You said it, I need to focus on myself and my own 4 walls. Losing both parents within 2 years and having extreme fallout with my brother is awful but a crippling toxic relationship is not something I'm willing to be subjected to. Believe me, I wish things were different.

It's a tough decision to make, but I do not regret it on my end. Wishing you well!

[TAC]

Tom, nothing but love, brother. You need to take care of yourself.

[King Postwhore]

I'm sorry Tom. I do agree with the guys.  Take care of yourself.

[wolfking]

Thank you guys for the love but that's not happening. He has had 5 surgeries over the past week and will "survive". He was .3 blood alcohol with his son in the car who is a minor AND another car was in the accident and the driver suffered major injury. Just going to see him last week took every ounce of my strength. He also was just diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. There's major reasons I will not be part of his life. Maybe someday.

Ah, okay, thanks for the info.  Knowing this, this is inexcusable.  I think you have every right to feel the way you do Tom.  If it were my brother, I'd probably wipe him too mate.  I hope his son was okay.  I assume he'd be looking at jail time anyway.

As hard as it is and I know I've posted on here to encourage you Tom but we don't even know a fraction of the situation but based on this, you're making the right call for you I think.

[jingle.boy]

Boundaries apply to family as well.  Hugs for you, Tom

[Glasser]

Thanks guys. Its sad and awkward.

[lonestar]

It's hard, but understandable. Alcoholism makes us do horrible things, and it's possible to love the person while hating the addict. As Chad said, boundaries do apply, and will help keep yourself safe from who he is under the throes of the disease. Just keep hoping he someday will find sobriety for his own sake, trust me as someone who's been there, the hell he's in is way worse than anything you can imagine.

[Glasser]

It's hard, but understandable. Alcoholism makes us do horrible things, and it's possible to love the person while hating the addict. As Chad said, boundaries do apply, and will help keep yourself safe from who he is under the throes of the disease. Just keep hoping he someday will find sobriety for his own sake, trust me as someone who's been there, the hell he's in is way worse than anything you can imagine.

Thanks man! My heart breaks over it but the factors that surround it makes it tough to be part of his life sadly. I love him with all my heart and I hope for him and my nephew's sake that he gets the help.

[naimad]

I think I may have an unhealthy relationship with the world. It treated me like shit and I still care for it.

[wolfking]

.

[WilliamMunny]

Today I have taken my first sick day in 39 years.  Due to the last two years of a tough working environment which heads into evil and corrupt territory and the results and aftermath of the accident that happened to me plus the culmination of things I've dealt with and things I haven't been given in relation to that, something happened yesterday that left me feeling sick and left me with a very bad feeling. 

My gut was telling me to take drastic measures immediately.  The way I felt yesterday because of this are feelings no one should have to deal with let alone everything over the last 2 years.  It was the hardest decision to call in sick and where I am at the moment, I'm not sure when or if I can go back, but life is too short and precious to endure shit you don't need to endure.

My team and I are so close and I am shattered it has had to come to this.  I'm their leader and have taken so many bullets for them but I think there comes a time no matter what position you are in, you need to take care of yourself.  The last 24 hours has hit me like a ton of bricks and I haven't cried as much in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 24 years.  I feel like I'm letting them all down.

So I sit here, Thursday morning at 11am, years of fucking hard work and sacrifice and now I feel completely lost and needing to start again, not knowing where the fuck to go from here.  The feelings currently are so overwhelming.  Work and my team were my purpose.  I've messaged members of my team to tell them I'm sorry even though I can't tell them what's going on, they are such good kids, I'm like their uncle or something, they all understand and thought I'd be gone long ago, but they are my friends and colleagues.  I'm completely heartbroken right now.  I can't stop the tears.  This is harder than I ever thought it would be and was praying it would never come to this.

Although, since the accident, the last 24 hours I think have shown me and even though I have just gotten back up and gotten back into it, I haven't dealt with a lot of problems since that happened, just kept busy to hide them and still put others before me.  Being selfhish and putting yourself first today feels wrong and foreign.  I don't like it.  Part of me thinks I should go back to my team and deal with the situation, but the other part says no and I don't deserve to have to cop shit when I've been so loyal to them even after everything.

Takes a while to sink in that work and organisations don't give a flying fuck about you.  Luckily, I did it for the people around me, which is the reason why this is so hard.

Three things:

1: First and foremost, my heart goes out to you. I appreciate the veiled nature of your post, but even without knowing the specifics, the internal conflict and suffering you are going through shines through your words. I've been there (hell, I think I might actually be there), so please know you are not alone in your misery. I know it's a small consolation, but still...

2: I hear you on the 'putting yourself feeling foreign' part. I, and everyone else here could tell you how important it is to look out for number one, but we both know that you can't/won't bc that's not how you are wired. And to be honest, the world needs more people like you. In all my years of working, I can count on one hand the number of people I've worked with who truly put others before themselves. Again, balance is key, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.

3: In all of these years of posting, I (being the huge Winger fan that I am) can't help but feel like I'm talking to Kip Winger when I respond to your posts.  I know you're not Kip (or do I?), but please, for the love of all that is good, never change your avatar!

But, seriously, hope tomorrow is a turn in the right direction.

[wolfking]

.

[TAC]

Plus, Kip Winger is a pussy. We all know Wolfking is not.

[wolfking]

.

[jingle.boy]

Dropped you an email mate.  You're a brave man to face whatever it is that you're having to deal with.  Taking care of oneself when you've spent a life and career of taking care of others might as well be asking you to chew your thumbs off.

You've got all of us to lean on however much you can or want to.

[ProfessorPeart]

Sheesh, not much to add except that really sucks.

Brought back some bad memories when I had a Dictator Director that put all the weight of our massive IT department and the organization on my shoulders. I was just a dude from Desktop Support who was promoted and made the admin of one of the biggest platforms in the org. Had some very rough days and lots of tears then. I hated work/life/everything. I felt worthless.

So yeah, many of us have been there in some way shape or form. All I can say is that I hope things get better. They did for me, just took some time.

[wolfking]

.

[wolfking]

.

[faizoff]

Hey man, from reading your posts and all, i would never think of you as a pussy. I can't offer any advice, it looks like you're doing the right thing for yourself. I know you can do this, even it it looks or feels like you can't. You got this.

[wolfking]

.

[Evermind]

You're a brave man to face whatever it is that you're having to deal with.

This. The situation, from the little details you've been dropping over the past few years, Kade, sounds dreadful and I know I probably wouldn't have been able to deal with it for so long. Good on you not bailing on your co-workers but at some point enough is enough. From your post I take it you're at that point now, well there's no shame in that. If anything, that should be on people on the other side on conflict from what you've been posting.

By the way, I like how the first sick day you took in 39 years is due to "sick of this shit" sickness. What did you take during your lightning accident? PTO? Unpaid leave?

[wolfking]

.

[Indiscipline]

Reading without really knowing, I take your mates have rightfully trusted your judgement for years, hence I dare say you can trust it yourself!

[wolfking]

.

[jingle.boy]

Reading without really knowing, I take your mates have rightfully trusted your judgement for years, hence I dare say you can trust it yourself!

Fucking sound advice Alessandro and makes perfect sense, I think you're right. .  I have spoken to a couple of them tonight, they certainly do and think I should have done something a long time ago.

Was nice to talk to them after my feelings this morning.  Apologies all for laying it on a bit thick.  Reading back I was just being a bitch haha but this place is a haven for all of us to let it out when we need, that's how comfortable it is.  Anyway, see how tomorrow goes.

This is where your mindset has to change.  You weren't being a bitch... you were being human.  Time to shed the toxic masculinity part mate... we all reach our limits and break down once and a while.  It takes strength and courage to be vulnerable; it's not a sign of weakness whatsoever.  Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react.  Your reaction (and resulting emotions) yesterday was fully justified - don't diminish that by then telling yourself (and us) you were just being a bitch.

[WilliamMunny]

Reading without really knowing, I take your mates have rightfully trusted your judgement for years, hence I dare say you can trust it yourself!

This. Is. Gold. 

Just wanted to pop back in this morning to say 'keep your head up' Wolfie, judging by the responses above, you possess a sound mind and honest intentions–again, the world needs more people like you!

Also, if you ever wanna chat in a non-public place, feel free to drop a PM. Either way, keep on keepin' on

[Stadler]

Dropped you an email mate.  You're a brave man to face whatever it is that you're having to deal with.  Taking care of oneself when you've spent a life and career of taking care of others might as well be asking you to chew your thumbs off.

You've got all of us to lean on however much you can or want to.

Thanks Chad.  Part of me feels brave, but another part of me feels weak as piss like I'm running away from the potential work problem.  Time will hopefully give clarity to which is the best option.  Life is funny, every day is a gamble, sometimes the gambles are just higher stakes.

Frame of reference, my friend.  You're not running from the problem; if you're the leader you say you are (and I have every reason to believe you ARE) then this is your time to teach your team the hardest lesson:  when to stop banging your head against the wall and prepare for the next challenge.  There is ALWAYS a bigger bear, as they say, and there is wisdom to know when to stop wasting energy on a losing cause.  I think it's a testament to you that it took 39 years to get to this point, but you're there now, and we've ALL come across the "bigger bear" at some point in our professional (or personal, or both) lives.  It wasn't work, but some of the feelings you describe are how I felt when it finally sunk in that my marriage was over, that I had to tell my kid our family was gone, and I had to face my parents (who died last year within a couple months of each other after over 60 years of being together 24/7) that I had failed at the one thing I wanted most to emulate about them. 

We forget sometimes that life isn't a Die Hard movie, with the hero riddled with bullets, bleeding from every orifice, dragging themselves up for fight after fight; in real life, we have to sometimes tend our powder, take a moment to make sure we're strong - mentally, physically, emotionally - to face the fight each day.

I see someone taking a pause to make sure they are fit and ready for the next challenge, whatever it is.  Good luck, bud, and as others have said, we're here for you however you need it.

[Glasser]

Today I have taken my first sick day in 39 years.  Due to the last two years of a tough working environment which heads into evil and corrupt territory and the results and aftermath of the accident that happened to me plus the culmination of things I've dealt with and things I haven't been given in relation to that, something happened yesterday that left me feeling sick and left me with a very bad feeling. 

My gut was telling me to take drastic measures immediately.  The way I felt yesterday because of this are feelings no one should have to deal with let alone everything over the last 2 years.  It was the hardest decision to call in sick and where I am at the moment, I'm not sure when or if I can go back, but life is too short and precious to endure shit you don't need to endure.

My team and I are so close and I am shattered it has had to come to this.  I'm their leader and have taken so many bullets for them but I think there comes a time no matter what position you are in, you need to take care of yourself.  The last 24 hours has hit me like a ton of bricks and I haven't cried as much in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 24 years.  I feel like I'm letting them all down.

So I sit here, Thursday morning at 11am, years of fucking hard work and sacrifice and now I feel completely lost and needing to start again, not knowing where the fuck to go from here.  The feelings currently are so overwhelming.  Work and my team were my purpose.  I've messaged members of my team to tell them I'm sorry even though I can't tell them what's going on, they are such good kids, I'm like their uncle or something, they all understand and thought I'd be gone long ago, but they are my friends and colleagues.  I'm completely heartbroken right now.  I can't stop the tears.  This is harder than I ever thought it would be and was praying it would never come to this.

Although, since the accident, the last 24 hours I think have shown me and even though I have just gotten back up and gotten back into it, I haven't dealt with a lot of problems since that happened, just kept busy to hide them and still put others before me.  Being selfhish and putting yourself first today feels wrong and foreign.  I don't like it.  Part of me thinks I should go back to my team and deal with the situation, but the other part says no and I don't deserve to have to cop shit when I've been so loyal to them even after everything.

Takes a while to sink in that work and organisations don't give a flying fuck about you.  Luckily, I did it for the people around me, which is the reason why this is so hard.

Wow Kade, I'm choking up after reading this. Sending a big hug to you. Please do not feel guilty taking care of yourself, its vital. I'm sure your team and co-workers trust your judgement and stand behind you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I'm here in any way if you ever need to talk, message me and I'll call you, anything you need I'm here. 

[cramx3]

Dropped you an email mate.  You're a brave man to face whatever it is that you're having to deal with.  Taking care of oneself when you've spent a life and career of taking care of others might as well be asking you to chew your thumbs off.

You've got all of us to lean on however much you can or want to.

Thanks Chad.  Part of me feels brave, but another part of me feels weak as piss like I'm running away from the potential work problem.  Time will hopefully give clarity to which is the best option.  Life is funny, every day is a gamble, sometimes the gambles are just higher stakes.

Dude, you are not weak and you are not running away.  You've dealt with wayyyy too much shit at this job.  You've simply have had enough and no decent person can blame you.  Doesn't make you weak at all, quite strong considering what happened to you. 

Also, you got to take care of yourself.  I don't know what that means for you in this case, but put yourself first.

[King Postwhore]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though. 

[Indiscipline]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though.

Holy cow, Joe, I didn't know. Lots of hugs to the whole Kingdom from both the Indies. Fight like a Cowens!

[King Postwhore]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though.

Holy cow, Joe, I didn't know. Lots of hugs to the whole Kingdom from both the Indies. Fight like a Cowens!

The one good news is I had my bariactic surgery in Feburary and im down 174 pounds.  From 437 to 263 right now.  40 more pounds to go.

[cramx3]

Kade, I'm glad you are dealing with it. 

My brother and I talked about the funk we both are in.  The loss of my father, both of us putting our cats down the same week a month after my dad passed away and now, the Queen's breast cancer.  Work is crazy and the stress is piling on.  I've been fighting with myself to push through this.  The last 4 nights I've woke up 3 tp 4 hours before the alarm is supposed to.  I can't fall back to sleep.  I'm exhausted. 

Still fighting it though.

Holy cow, Joe, I didn't know. Lots of hugs to the whole Kingdom from both the Indies. Fight like a Cowens!

The one good news is I had my bariactic surgery in Feburary and im down 174 pounds.  From 437 to 263 right now.  40 more pounds to go.

Which is incredible so you got to keep looking at the positives.  Been a real shit year for you, but this is a huge positive change to reflect on.

[King Postwhore]

I'm trying so hard Marc.  Just want to make it through this year and Lisa's treatment.  We are going to get 2 new kitties after Lisa's treatment.