The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[antigoon]

Stay strong Lonestar.

[lonestar]

Thanks bud.

[Adami]

Stay strong everybody.

And remember Lonestar, when you feel tempted............you don't need drugs, when you got hugs.

-man hug-

[MoraWintersoul]

Hugs, I forgot /no hetero

[Dr. DTVT]

You guys know I'm always here for you or a phone call away.

Man, my problems seem so small compared to some of the stuff life is throwing at you guys.

[jingle.boy]

You guys know I'm always here for you or a phone call away.

Man, my problems seem so small compared to some of the stuff life is throwing at you guys.

[nightmare_cinema]

It's like I needed to go through all of the 'firsts' without them (first birthday, christmas, etc.) before I could start to really process who I'd lost for the rest of my life.

I was searching for words to explain it to someone the other day and I couldn't, you put it beautifully. The weirdest part, and it always happens to me, when I see someone in the street that kind of looks like my dad, I half-expect to see him as I get closer. I don't know, half of people's lives are made out of concepts and associations and what they bury inside other people. I'm an atheist but I have no problem with saying that the spirit carries on, and it carries on strong. I think everyone should remember that, especially in this time of the year when everything dies.

Yeah it's horrible when you see someone who looks like the person you lost. I'm atheist too, but yeah I would agree her spirit carries on, she made me who I am and I try my best to live a life that she would be proud of, and used the experience I had through her illness to do voluntary work in the sector and am now training to be a proper full time helper of people, hopefully in the fields of drug and alcohol addiction. Not sure I'd have been quite so motivated to go down this path if I hadn't had seen her go through it.

With loss it's like, for the first six months or so I was kinda so focused on the sick person I lost, how she looked and what she went through, because she'd changed SO much from being well to being ill. And I was really upset about the pain she went through and adjusting to living without her. But then about six months after she died I went to the museum she used to work at where I'd go randomly visit her after college etc. and straight away it was like I could close my eyes and visualise her coming round the corner happy, healthy, smiling, wearing her work uniform, just exactly how she was three years prior. I swear I could see her smile and the shade of her lipstick and feel the scent of her perfume and the way she looked when she smiled. And that's when the grief really hit me, because I realised that she'd been sick two and a half years, but I'd also lost the happy healthy funny strong witty warm sarcastic stubborn mum I'd had for the first 20 years of my life before roles reversed and I had to look after her. And it cut me so deeply inside to know I'd never see that person again, that she'd never be there if I got married or had kids. And it's still kinda weird to think that she died at a point and she'll never know that I broke up with my bf at the time, that I went on to train as a social worker, that she got a new little grandson this year. It's my first experience of a bereavement and it has been a rollercoaster!

Also didn't help that I was on morphine patches for a good few months and so very emotional and drained anyway.. I've definitely come out of the other side but I feel so much for people who are recently bereaved because you think it's awful but then, in my experience, it gets so, so much worse before it gets better. It'll be two years this December 23rd since she died and I both miss her and fear that I'm forgetting about her./rant

[snapple]

You guys know I'm always here for you or a phone call away.

Man, my problems seem so small compared to some of the stuff life is throwing at you guys.

Don't let it trivialize your issues, however. I mean, if it puts it in perspective and you think "man, maybe it's not a big deal after all!" and you're able to function fine knowing that, then it's cool. But if it actually bothers you, it's not small.

[nightmare_cinema]

You guys know I'm always here for you or a phone call away.

Man, my problems seem so small compared to some of the stuff life is throwing at you guys.

Don't let it trivialize your issues, however. I mean, if it puts it in perspective and you think "man, maybe it's not a big deal after all!" and you're able to function fine knowing that, then it's cool. But if it actually bothers you, it's not small.

I couldn't agree more. If it bothers you, it's not small. I had friends who were wary about talking to me about their 'smaller' issues like guy problems, work issues etc. when I lost my mum and was really unwell, and I used to tell them if it bothered them I wanted to hear about it. One person's pain never trivialises another's!

[Dr. DTVT]

You guys know I'm always here for you or a phone call away.

Man, my problems seem so small compared to some of the stuff life is throwing at you guys.

Don't let it trivialize your issues, however. I mean, if it puts it in perspective and you think "man, maybe it's not a big deal after all!" and you're able to function fine knowing that, then it's cool. But if it actually bothers you, it's not small.

No, I didn't mean that I was trivializing my problems, it was more along the lines of realizing that I have it pretty good...except for the part where women aren't lining up to accept my seed like they should be.  The mass mind hive control device isn't working yet.

[DebraKadabra]

I firmly believe that my Granny (Dad's Mom) looks in on Dad and I from time to time, so yeah - the spirit DEFINITELY carries on.

But then I remember how long it took for Dad and I to pass through to acceptance that she really was gone.  I was 19 at the time and her death hit me HARD.  So much so that I wasn't able to go to her funeral.  I also didn't see her the last two months of her life because the cancer just made her so frail when she'd been the pillar of strength for as long as I could remember.  Her birthday is the same day your Mum passed, Faye - I just realized that.

Anyhow, Granny LOVED Christmas - it was her favorite holiday, even though it was so close to her birthday.  Probably because it was then and at Thanksgiving that all of the family would gather, eat, and enjoy the holidays together.  I'll also never forgot the sound of dominoes being shuffled at the kitchen table as I was drifting off to sleep in the living room - Granny and Papoo (my gramps) would partner up for 42, invariably with Dad and one of my two uncles (RIP Uncle Lynn - I think of you every time I hear Elton John).  Just... good memories that never fade.

I still remember Granny's laugh and her gruff way of letting her family know that she really did love them.  Oh... and her sweet tea...

I guess my point is that, yes, some things will fade, but she's your Mum - she will ALWAYS live on in your heart.

Gotta go wipe my eyes now.

[MoraWintersoul]

Yeah it's horrible when you see someone who looks like the person you lost. I'm atheist too, but yeah I would agree her spirit carries on, she made me who I am and I try my best to live a life that she would be proud of, and used the experience I had through her illness to do voluntary work in the sector and am now training to be a proper full time helper of people, hopefully in the fields of drug and alcohol addiction. Not sure I'd have been quite so motivated to go down this path if I hadn't had seen her go through it.

With loss it's like, for the first six months or so I was kinda so focused on the sick person I lost, how she looked and what she went through, because she'd changed SO much from being well to being ill. And I was really upset about the pain she went through and adjusting to living without her. But then about six months after she died I went to the museum she used to work at where I'd go randomly visit her after college etc. and straight away it was like I could close my eyes and visualise her coming round the corner happy, healthy, smiling, wearing her work uniform, just exactly how she was three years prior. I swear I could see her smile and the shade of her lipstick and feel the scent of her perfume and the way she looked when she smiled. And that's when the grief really hit me, because I realised that she'd been sick two and a half years, but I'd also lost the happy healthy funny strong witty warm sarcastic stubborn mum I'd had for the first 20 years of my life before roles reversed and I had to look after her. And it cut me so deeply inside to know I'd never see that person again, that she'd never be there if I got married or had kids. And it's still kinda weird to think that she died at a point and she'll never know that I broke up with my bf at the time, that I went on to train as a social worker, that she got a new little grandson this year. It's my first experience of a bereavement and it has been a rollercoaster!

Also didn't help that I was on morphine patches for a good few months and so very emotional and drained anyway.. I've definitely come out of the other side but I feel so much for people who are recently bereaved because you think it's awful but then, in my experience, it gets so, so much worse before it gets better. It'll be two years this December 23rd since she died and I both miss her and fear that I'm forgetting about her./rant

:hugs: I don't know you so well, but I think, based on all of this, you're making your mother very proud.

I firmly believe that my Granny (Dad's Mom) looks in on Dad and I from time to time, so yeah - the spirit DEFINITELY carries on.

But then I remember how long it took for Dad and I to pass through to acceptance that she really was gone.  I was 19 at the time and her death hit me HARD.  So much so that I wasn't able to go to her funeral.  I also didn't see her the last two months of her life because the cancer just made her so frail when she'd been the pillar of strength for as long as I could remember.  Her birthday is the same day your Mum passed, Faye - I just realized that.

Anyhow, Granny LOVED Christmas - it was her favorite holiday, even though it was so close to her birthday.  Probably because it was then and at Thanksgiving that all of the family would gather, eat, and enjoy the holidays together.  I'll also never forgot the sound of dominoes being shuffled at the kitchen table as I was drifting off to sleep in the living room - Granny and Papoo (my gramps) would partner up for 42, invariably with Dad and one of my two uncles (RIP Uncle Lynn - I think of you every time I hear Elton John).  Just... good memories that never fade.

I still remember Granny's laugh and her gruff way of letting her family know that she really did love them.  Oh... and her sweet tea...

I guess my point is that, yes, some things will fade, but she's your Mum - she will ALWAYS live on in your heart.

Gotta go wipe my eyes now.

Lots of hearts for relatives that make our childhoods so lovely

[Dark Castle]

I don't know if I've ever talked about it here, but my biological father and I do not have a good relationship at all.

Over the years he's just been a really bad role model, one as a child I looked up too, and because of that I have some very pathetic bad habits as a result of him.  These aren't limited to having problems with porn, self confidence, and constant self doubt.
Without going to much into the past before I bring up what's happening right now, at like 9-10 he pretty much had playboys in my face, pent houses "accidentally" lying around and other such stuff, and it really messed up my psyche of women for awhile, and it's had a huge thing to do with my self confidence in talking to them because I have a mind that wanders, and my dad didn't help even further by pressuring me to get girlfriends, sexitize them and such because "BY 13 I WAS HAVING SEX DYLAN" and shit like that.  And he won't accept the fact that I don't want to be like him, he's told me to drop out of college to join network marketing because he "knows" there's a salesman in me, and that videogame design and music shouldn't be a career.  Every time in the past I'd disagree on something it was "My mom poisoning my mind" and bullshit like that, so to him I'm just my mom's drone, not a unique individual with my own thoughts on the world and my own feelings, no those are my moms just being projected through me.

This has led to me just flat out ignoring his calls in the past, and this year he tried reconnecting with me after about a year or two of me ignoring him.  First time it was nice, we just talked about life and saw a flick, but after that he started pressuring me to join this new "will definitely get me rich" network marketing business, and he kept asking me to get family members phone numbers for him so that he can "help" them and get me "making money".  To him I should be able to make games for fun, not a career, and he thinks Network Marketing is the answer.  I got sick of this and started to ignore his calls again.  His newest tactic of response is to harass my mom and other family members and telling them he needs to talk to me.  I've told him I have two jobs, one part time, one full time, and school.  Both jobs run late into the night so I work all night, and sleep all day, and then school.  I don't have much free time, but to him I'm just lying and that I'm not busy. 

He's started calling me at all hours of the day, and most of the time I'd be sleeping or at work.  He started leaving me very rude and mean spirited text messages saying how I can't spare my "precious time" for my own father and shit so when he did call when I had free time I said fuck that and didn't answer.

Go back a few days ago and my step dad(who I consider dad) and I aer watching a movie, around 1 am, it's halfway over and we're getting tired and my bio dad calls.  I ignore the call because I didn't want to keep my dad up and thought I'd text him after the movie asking him what he wants.  He just texts me immediately after "Your grandma just got out of surgery, she's doing good.  I thought you might care but you probably don't."
I was just flabbergasted.  Why send mean messages and accusatory bullshit when you could have just said we need to talk about my grandma?!  Next day I text him I've gotta head to work but to let me know whats up with grandma, and then I'll call.  He tells me he won't tell me whats wrong with her unless I call and that this busy excuse is crap.

Now today he texts "SLEEPING OR WORKING?!" and I just ignore it, but a few minutes later my mom comes down to my room to tell me he called her.  He yelled at MY mom, accusing her of telling me not to call when she's told me I need to call and get it over with, accused me of being on drugs, and when she told him "Jon, he works two jobs and goes to school, I don't even see him as often anymore, he sleeps, works, goes to school, and doesn't have much off time."
He responded "I know that's bullshit, I know my son is lazy."

I've had it with this man.  I'm going to call tonight to see whats up with my grandma, but if he starts shouting I'm telling him not to call me anymore and hanging up.  I'm so sick of this bullshit 

[Elite]

Having been in a similar situation in the past, but from the other side (it was my sister and father that didn't go well together), I think your father is having problems being a father. He doesn't get to see you often and has tried to reach out to you in whatever way he thinks is best. When this apparently doesn't work and you start ignoring him, I can understand him getting frustrated, although this example is not how he should handle it.

If I may just say so, I would try to reconnect with him, but talk stuff out. It would be better for both of you, I suppose. If you can get him to know (and realise) what you're doing and if he can find consolidation in that, that's good, but you also need to take into account he's your father and you should give him some of your time as well. It's a two-sided thing.

I don't see my parents often either, but I don't have a bad relationship with them in any way, but I do know they love it when I come around and like with all relationships, it's part giving and part taking.

Again, I don't mean to be mean-spirited, I'm just talking from what I saw happened between my sister and father. I'm no psychiatrist either, but I really think somethings going wrong on both sides of the argument, not just on your father's.

[Dark Castle]

Oh yeah there's definitely some fault here that's mine.  Instead of ignoring him I really should have just told him how I feel about where things stand, but it's just so hard, I've never really stood up to him before

I just hope he can tell me about my grandma without personally attacking me, otherwise I might just give up.  One thing I didn't mention was up until he married again, to this lady (who's just very mean spirited and loves belittling him, and she just pushes issues that are non-issues) we got along well enough.  I feel like this is part of the problem that caused the rift between us, because of all the bad habits he taught me, we could still get along, but since that point, he's just gone on the attack with network marketing, pressuring me, and taking a mean spirited edge with me when we disagree.

[bout to crash]

I'm sorry about all that's happened with your dad. He obviously has a lot of issues, and it doesn't seem like he intends to work on them anytime soon. Although of course you want to have some kind of relationship with him, I can say from experience with having TOXIC fucking family members, sometimes keeping your distance is the healthiest thing you can do.

[DebraKadabra]

^ Word on the staying away from the toxicity.  Sorry you're having to deal with all of that, Darky.

[bout to crash]

Racist.

[DebraKadabra]

 

[bout to crash]

[Dark Castle]

Thanks guys
So I called. It was foot surgery, he's still pushing for my family members phone numbers, and he's saying he wishes I knew what I wanted to do in life.
Welp, he seriously thought I was on drugs.    
Not answering phone = Drugs, lots of drugs.

[DebraKadabra]

Not answering phone = Drugs, lots of drugs.

[Dark Castle]

Oh my god, what a shitlord.  What a fucking shitlord.
This fucking man.

[nightmare_cinema]

Just feeling really terrible today. After a long and boring story of my sociopath criminal brother and I forming a relationship over the past two years since our mum died and then him inexplicably and completely freezing me out six weeks ago (just after he helped to contribute to the wrecking of my relationship through such tactics as threatening violence against my ex and telling him he didn't care if his grandma died or not, he wanted the apartment painting by the end of the week) I finally allowed the rage and the sadness to boil over and sent him a final text. I've tried everything to speak to him, he has ignored my calls, my texts and refused to open the door to me and to have my big brother do that to me after I'd just had my heart broken in the wake of losing our mum together is just the final fucking straw.

So I texted him a massive goodbye text telling him he's dead to me and he can go fuck himself if he thinks I'm gonna sit and wait around while he gets whatever's up with him out of his system then tries to act like nothing's happened (he does this to other people, it's the first time it's happened to me) then he doesn't know me at all and I'm done trying and don't want to hear from him again. I had to pull over and cry at my job for the first time in weeks because what I said to him, while true, hurt so much to express. People say don't burn bridges but I wouldn't let a friend treat me this way, so I'm sure as fuck not gonna let someone who's supposed to be there for me do it. He's a cunt but I'd still have done anything for him cos he's my big brother and I love(d?) him and the way he's acting hurts more than the bereavement, and more than the breakup.

It's like I lost my mum but I got through it because I had my ex's support there every day, and my brother who knew what I was going through. And then the breakup, which was even worse because I couldn't go to my mum for support or talk it over with her, but at least I had my big brother. And then he does this to me, and I suddenly realise I'm facing my first christmas day alone because I've lost three of the people that meant the most to me in the world, all out of my control. And I don't know how much more loss I can take, I really don't.

So then my subconscious decided last night was a good time to have my ex pop up in my dream, saying he made a mistake and begging to have me back. I rejected the shit out of him and he was a mess but it still crushed me a little to wake up and remember actually, no, he doesn't want me back and does think he's better off without me... things with my brother are over and it's three weeks until the 2nd anniversary of losing my mum. It's a shit time of year anyway and that's when I still had my family, and my partner. The saving grace is the wonderful family of close friends I've built up over the years, but I'm still reeling. And very, very angry and upset.

[bout to crash]

 

::

[jingle.boy]

Faye, I know just what you're going thru.  I've "lost" my brother, mother and father all at some point over the las 13 years. Started with my brother just after my wedding, and we didn't patch things up for almost 6 years ... Things still aren't great between us, but cordial. My mom... I didn't speak to her for a year and a half a few years back.  Things are pretty good between us now.  My dad ... Who used to be my best friend, is a complete cluster fuck. I think I've spoken with him 3 times in the last 6 months.

I feel for you, but I think you're bag on with your statement that you wouldn't let friends treat you this way, so why let a family member do so.  Unfortunately, we can't chose our family, so they get a little more slack than we would normally give, but that doesn't mean it's unlimited.

I know it's hard, but maybe something will change in the future.

[nightmare_cinema]

I can be pretty cold when I have to be, I sacked my dad off when I was 17 for several years, we're close again now but for three years I had nothing to do with him, I really don't do it lightly but I find it hard to forgive someone if they have really been a dick to me.

I guess it's just getting to me because three months ago I thought things were really on the up, I had my course to look forward to, a stable (hah) happy loving relationship with someone I was crazy about and a close relationship with my brother and nephews which was novel and awesome. And then I lost my relationship, my apartment, my brother, while trying to start this full time course and being sick, having to move overnight with nowhere to go other than crashing at people's houses and then finding my feet and getting a house together again and making myself go to work every day because I had no choice, that and the debt I'm accruing thanks to the house move and supporting myself alone again after sharing everything for years. I'm just sooooo tired!

[Akasha]

I don't post much here. A few do know me though. I've had a rough few years. I was clean for 6 yrs till I relapsed in Feb 2011, following a rape. He now is in jail for the next 35 yrs. I tried to commit suicide in April 2011 by OD. I was then in rehab for 6.5 months. I got out and still struggled and was admitted to a Psych hospital for 10 months. I now been out for 2 months. I don't do very well this time of year. I don't do well the holiday season or around my birthday. Last Sunday I had a friend of 25 yrs die. He died from a head injury after refusing to get on the gurney to the ambulance. He said he would walk out and fell and hit his head. I haven't seen him before I went to rehab.

This past week was been a very bad one for me. I had Opana on me Tuesday night and RJ yelled at me, no he cussed me out. I've barely ate this week(part of my rehab include treatment for an eating disorder), or slept. I had another good friend call me yesterday to tell me to get my shit together or my Mom was going to have me readmitted. I can't refuse if she does since you has medical guardianship over me still.

I just need to stay out of hospitals. I'm just not sure if I can though.

[bout to crash]

Shit

Of course hospitals are not where anyone wants to be, but if you're endangering yourself by not eating, etc. I of course don't blame your mom for wanting to make a decision like that.

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

[Adami]

I don't post much here. A few do know me though. I've had a rough few years. I was clean for 6 yrs till I relapsed in Feb 2011, following a rape. He now is in jail for the next 35 yrs. I tried to commit suicide in April 2011 by OD. I was then in rehab for 6.5 months. I got out and still struggled and was admitted to a Psych hospital for 10 months. I now been out for 2 months. I don't do very well this time of year. I don't do well the holiday season or around my birthday. Last Sunday I had a friend of 25 yrs die. He died from a head injury after refusing to get on the gurney to the ambulance. He said he would walk out and fell and hit his head. I haven't seen him before I went to rehab.

This past week was been a very bad one for me. I had Opana on me Tuesday night and RJ yelled at me, no he cussed me out. I've barely ate this week(part of my rehab include treatment for an eating disorder), or slept. I had another good friend call me yesterday to tell me to get my shit together or my Mom was going to have me readmitted. I can't refuse if she does since you has medical guardianship over me still.

I just need to stay out of hospitals. I'm just not sure if I can though.

Don't know much about you, are you seeing a therapist? Not a drug guy, but an actual talk therapist?

[Akasha]

I don't post much here. A few do know me though. I've had a rough few years. I was clean for 6 yrs till I relapsed in Feb 2011, following a rape. He now is in jail for the next 35 yrs. I tried to commit suicide in April 2011 by OD. I was then in rehab for 6.5 months. I got out and still struggled and was admitted to a Psych hospital for 10 months. I now been out for 2 months. I don't do very well this time of year. I don't do well the holiday season or around my birthday. Last Sunday I had a friend of 25 yrs die. He died from a head injury after refusing to get on the gurney to the ambulance. He said he would walk out and fell and hit his head. I haven't seen him before I went to rehab.

This past week was been a very bad one for me. I had Opana on me Tuesday night and RJ yelled at me, no he cussed me out. I've barely ate this week(part of my rehab include treatment for an eating disorder), or slept. I had another good friend call me yesterday to tell me to get my shit together or my Mom was going to have me readmitted. I can't refuse if she does since you has medical guardianship over me still.

I just need to stay out of hospitals. I'm just not sure if I can though.

Don't know much about you, are you seeing a therapist? Not a drug guy, but an actual talk therapist?

Yes, I see a therapist a few times a week.

[Adami]

Oh good. Obviously I can't offer any clinical advice since you're not my client, but I'm glad you have a professional who does more than hand you pills.

[Akasha]

Oh good. Obviously I can't offer any clinical advice since you're not my client, but I'm glad you have a professional who does more than hand you pills.

I do see a psychiatrist as well. I'm bipolar and also suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder.

[Fiery Winds]

After reading the past two pages, my problems feel small in comparison.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

I lost my job in October due to the company filing for bankruptcy and I've been coasting ever since.  I've been trying to make positive changes, like signing up for a gym and improving my diet, but I feel like I'm wasting away my time. 

I was very lucky to land the job I had with my experience/education and because I only had the job for 6 months, job searching is not going well.  I've thought about going back to school (Engineering MS) to fill in all the gaps from my Industrial Technology BS Degree (pun intended).  But even if I qualify to go to school while also receiving Unemployment Benefits (which I'm currently receiving), my claim wouldn't last as long as the program. 

*Sigh*

[nightmare_cinema]

Fiery Winds, can you not work a part time job alongside studyding? It sounds in your position like going back to school and getting skilled up might be your best bet right now...