The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[nightmare_cinema]

But on the plus side education is going well and leading to a career I think I'll love and be really good at, I have the support and love of my best friends who are practically my family anyway, I know things weren't right for me and my ex for him to want to be without me so I'm glad he did it rather than silently seethe or resent the relationship, I have music, and a kick ass tattoo, and my brother's gf is happy for me to keep seeing nephews when he's not around so it's really not all bad. It's kinda a pot full of terrible shit and a pot full of quite amazing things too. I think it's just that this time of year is always gonna be the time of year I lost my mum now and doing it alone is going to be a fucking hell of a lot harder than doing it alongside someone who was there for me, cared, loved me and understood and was sensitive about it. Just vaguely trepidatious.

[jingle.boy]

Faye.  It doesn't replace the real thing (physical friends/family/relationships), but your online friends are always here.   

And yes, you have a kick-ass tattoo. 

[Cyclopssss]

Right on, Faye. Losing a close relative sucks. There's nothing worse.

[lonestar]

OK, time to let this shit out.

Today I hit a year and a half clean and sober, the longest stretch without any mind altering substance since I was eleven. And life isn't making it easy.


Three weeks ago, my roommate and best friend for the last eight years had a fall and hit his head. It bled on his brain for a week unchecked. He continued to work, visit his parents, nobody noticed anything. Then the delerium set in and he crashed his car going down the wrong way of a busy street. It took him a week before he was able to recognize his parents again, and his recovery will be very long and arduous. Barring an absolute miracle, he will be living with his parents for the next year or so, and there is no telling how much he will get back.

Today, I am going to have to start clearing him out of the house. His parents are helping for another couple months with the bills, but then I will need to find another roommate or move. I am also in dire financial straits due to the damage caused by thirty years of aggressive drug abuse and alcoholism. The money is going out everywhere, and there is no room in my life for a second job.

Needless to say, I am hitting my end, it is all so overwhelming. Just the thought of going through the fridge and throwing out his food kills me. I can't even think of another person living here, but I do love my place.

This is all so fucking hard. l'm scared of what's to come. I am insecure in my ability to handle it all. Next to my daughter being in the hospital fighting for her life, nothing can come close to the struggle I am facing. And there is no getting away from it, every aspect of my life, he is involved in. Everywhere I go, people want to know how he is, what his progress is, and all I can do is tell the truth. I am getting spiritually worn from dissapointing people who want to hear good news, tired of seeing broken faces and tears. I am tired.

I won't be drinking today. And tomorrow really doesn't look good for the drink either. If I pick up a drink, all bets are off, my life is over.


Time to start cleaning, to start rebuilding anew. I will need all your love, strength, and support.

I love you guys, thanks for being a calming presence in my life.

[Cyclopssss]

Wow....that´s....I can´t even think of words to say that could possibly comfort you.
Just that my thoughts are with you (as I´m sure we are all with you here).

Just hang in there buddy. Be strong.

[jingle.boy]

Dude ... I'm at the office, otherwise I'd be Skyping right now. I can't begin to imagine how much something like this just piles on with everything else, and feels like it's ripping you apart. Mrs.Jingle is a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  Me, not so much.  Not sure where you stand in that regard, but all i can say is that i do believe that the future isn't anywhere near as scary as the past for you.

You've ALWAYS got friends here.

[lonestar]

There's a saying from the program, if you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, you are pissing on today.


I gotta focus on what I can do today, little bits,it's all I can handle right now.

[wkiml]

one day at a time, one moment at a time

hit a meeting....get your sponsor or even a sponsee involved..don't do it alone

[Akasha]

OK, time to let this shit out.

Today I hit a year and a half clean and sober, the longest stretch without any mind altering substance since I was eleven. And life isn't making it easy.


Three weeks ago, my roommate and best friend for the last eight years had a fall and hit his head. It bled on his brain for a week unchecked. He continued to work, visit his parents, nobody noticed anything. Then the delerium set in and he crashed his car going down the wrong way of a busy street. It took him a week before he was able to recognize his parents again, and his recovery will be very long and arduous. Barring an absolute miracle, he will be living with his parents for the next year or so, and there is no telling how much he will get back.

Today, I am going to have to start clearing him out of the house. His parents are helping for another couple months with the bills, but then I will need to find another roommate or move. I am also in dire financial straits due to the damage caused by thirty years of aggressive drug abuse and alcoholism. The money is going out everywhere, and there is no room in my life for a second job.

Needless to say, I am hitting my end, it is all so overwhelming. Just the thought of going through the fridge and throwing out his food kills me. I can't even think of another person living here, but I do love my place.

This is all so fucking hard. l'm scared of what's to come. I am insecure in my ability to handle it all. Next to my daughter being in the hospital fighting for her life, nothing can come close to the struggle I am facing. And there is no getting away from it, every aspect of my life, he is involved in. Everywhere I go, people want to know how he is, what his progress is, and all I can do is tell the truth. I am getting spiritually worn from dissapointing people who want to hear good news, tired of seeing broken faces and tears. I am tired.

I won't be drinking today. And tomorrow really doesn't look good for the drink either. If I pick up a drink, all bets are off, my life is over.


Time to start cleaning, to start rebuilding anew. I will need all your love, strength, and support.

I love you guys, thanks for being a calming presence in my life.

Love ya too, big brother. Hang in there.

[lonestar]

one day at a time, one moment at a time

hit a meeting....get your sponsor or even a sponsee involved..don't do it alone

Covered man. Having dinner with a group of guys tonight, then the big stag meeting. No sponsee at the moment, my one guys relapsed and went back into rehab. Also got numerous friends and family who are there for me always.

Keeping myself smack dab in the middle of the pack bud, I ain't getting picked off. Thanks man.


And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

[Scorpion]

Shit lonestar, I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be on you.

I can't really say much except what others have said already: hang in there, stay strong. We'll always be here for you.

[chknptpie]

Sorry to hear RJ. Is there anyone your friends/family/sponsor may know that would be a good roomie for you?

[Dark Castle]

Doing a persuasive speech on why you should purchase physical copies over digital copies of music, and of course we have to a fuckton of sources, but I CAN'T FUCKING FIND ANYTHING ON MY SUBJECT, AS IT'S COMPLETELY FUCKING OPINION BASED.

[DebraKadabra]

Faye
RJ

[TioJorge]

Fuck this shit.

[nightmare_cinema]

Faye
RJ

thanks

[lonestar]

Deb 

Faye 

Thank you both ladies, you gals are wonderful.

[Akasha]

And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

Your pretty awesome yourself, lonestar.  There is very few people I let talk to me like you did last night.

[Adami]

And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

Your pretty awesome yourself, lonestar.  There is very few people I let talk to me like you did last night.

Oh please be a girl.

[DebraKadabra]

Deb 

Faye 

Thank you both ladies, you gals are wonderful.

You the bee's knees, my buddy.

[Ħ]

Oh man, lonestar, that just sounds real rough. I've never been anywhere close to that situation in life. Shoot man. You can only control your own choices in the end, and victory or defeat is in your hands, like you said...

You're a tough cookie mate, and have been through so much.  We totally see it and have loads of respect for you - you're a leader to the younguns here and a precious friend to many. You're in the process of emerging from the ashes to a place greater than you've ever been in. "Some things only can be made in the storm" as the Flying Colors songs says. You're a real role model and you got this.

[Akasha]

And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

Your pretty awesome yourself, lonestar.  There is very few people I let talk to me like you did last night.

Oh please be a girl.

I was the last time I looked!

[lonestar]

And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

Your pretty awesome yourself, lonestar.  There is very few people I let talk to me like you did last night.

Just glad you didn't kick my ass over it.

[Cyclopssss]

And thanks Akasha, you're awesome.

Your pretty awesome yourself, lonestar.  There is very few people I let talk to me like you did last night.

Oh please be a girl.

I was the last time I looked!

LOL, I love this forum!!

[Perpetual Change]

I feel a bit apprehensive about posting this kinda thing, but what the hell. Bumpity bump.

To put it bluntly, for a while now I've had an unshakable feeling that I have no reason to get up in the morning. I'm unemployed, dropped my classes, can't get myself to write any decent music, and have run out of ideas as to what to do with my life. I can't find real joy or motivation in anything I used to. Guitar isn't even fun anymore. I have a few friends whom I don't see more than once a week maybe (aside from my roommate), and I haven't dated anybody in seven years. My day typically consists of browsing the web, some gaming, TV, and then a long walk to a usual coffee joint (where I just read and browse on my netbook), and home again. I have started going to my parents house for dinner several nights a week simply 'cause I have nothing else to do, and few others to talk to. Needless to say money's running low, but that's the least of my worries, frankly. This has been going on for months now. I wouldn't consider myself suicidal or anything like that. But life kinda sucks right now. I just feel shitty about myself all the time.

That is all. Had to get it out somewhere. 

Been there as well. Now I'm working again, and thinking I undervalued all that time I had off.

But have you looked into volunteering? It helps. And it gives you something new to do, and maybe more people to network with. That's not the point, but it's certainly a big bonus.

[wkiml]

just a follow up.....Yesterday was my ex-wife/best friends birthday (she passed away in April) I was in a pretty much depressed mood all day, couldn't stop thinking about her . Was concerned about how the kids were taking it (I'm out the door at 4:30 am and don't get home until 7 pm) .

Got home last night, kids were doing what kids usually do (TV computer game systems) sat down on the couch and started going thru the mail...all the typical stuff, junk mail and bill or two than I came across an envelope from some religious organization. I'm not big into religion , had a falling out many years ago, but during my sobriety I have started to lean back towards a belief of a higher being. As i open the envelope there is a letter attached , it opens  " During your trying times..........." and it included a cross on a keychain.

What are the odds of this arriving on her birthday?

[jingle.boy]

Could be that it was sent to you on purpose.  I say that with zero sarcasm.  Some believe everything happens for a reason.  Some believe there are things in this physical world that cannot be explained - and this I know to be a fact.

"Someone" may have sent that to you to let you know it's ok to grieve, and rely on others.

[nightmare_cinema]

just a follow up.....Yesterday was my ex-wife/best friends birthday (she passed away in April) I was in a pretty much depressed mood all day, couldn't stop thinking about her . Was concerned about how the kids were taking it (I'm out the door at 4:30 am and don't get home until 7 pm) .

Got home last night, kids were doing what kids usually do (TV computer game systems) sat down on the couch and started going thru the mail...all the typical stuff, junk mail and bill or two than I came across an envelope from some religious organization. I'm not big into religion , had a falling out many years ago, but during my sobriety I have started to lean back towards a belief of a higher being. As i open the envelope there is a letter attached , it opens  " During your trying times..........." and it included a cross on a keychain.

What are the odds of this arriving on her birthday?

I'm glad to hear you got through the day wkiml, that does sound like a huge conicidence for that to arrive on your best friend's birthday.

Whether it came from anywhere in particular or meant anything is irrelevant really though, isn't it? The fact is that it came at a time when you needed to hear something like that the most. I'm not religious, I don't believe in a god or an afterlife, but about a year ago I was at my brother's house and he'd managed to obtain (illegally I'm sure) a few HUGE bin liners full of shampoos and conditioners from the back of a lorry (natch), and it was all just haircare stuff. I had a rummage through and right there in the middle of one of the bags was an unopened bottle of my mum's signature perfume, that she's worn for as long as I can remember and that I now own several bottles of and wear regularly because just one sniff takes me back to being a little girl in her arms.

He didn't know it was her perfume, nobody could have planted it there that I can think of, I just took it as coincidence but it was really very strange. Part of me wanted to believe she'd had something to do with it and sent a sign to tell me she's still there looking after me and loving us, but it doesn't align with my beliefs. It doesn't matter anyway, these things are important and meaningful to us and it might do more harm than good stressing over whether it's a sign or it has any deep meaning. Just my thoughts anyway.

How are you doing today?

[wkiml]

back to normal which in my world means I can concentrate on my "one day at a time" mantra

[nightmare_cinema]

*hugs* I know what it's like to lose someone you love and for me the first ten months to a year was a difficult blur, then the six months after that sheer hell. It's like I needed to go through all of the 'firsts' without them (first birthday, christmas, etc.) before I could start to really process who I'd lost for the rest of my life.

I guess that sounds really demotivational and depressing but I think your 'one day at a time' mantra is pretty much the best way to go about something so tough.

[lonestar]

back to normal which in my world means I can concentrate on my "one day at a time" mantra

Hope you're doing ok man, weird how we recieve the little things we need, no matter what the source.

[wkiml]

Lonestar  I'm good.....have some day's where the emotions are all over the place, but can honestly say I have not had a phytsical urge in a very long time and when a thought pops up I quickly shut it down and realize there are much more important things I should be thinking about

Even on my worse days as I sat there and watched her slip away the thought of reaching for a bottle never entered my mind

my biggest problem was the physical addiction, mentally I was ready to quit along time before I did

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired mentally, but physically need it  Once I broke that need and the brain chemistry got back to normal its been for lack of a better word "easy" . I know I have to remind myself not to slip into the trap of taking it for granted

[DebraKadabra]

back to normal which in my world means I can concentrate on my "one day at a time" mantra

Sometimes that's all we can do, regardless of what we're up against.

[lonestar]

I know I have to remind myself not to slip into the trap of taking it for granted

Every second of the day.

[MoraWintersoul]

It's like I needed to go through all of the 'firsts' without them (first birthday, christmas, etc.) before I could start to really process who I'd lost for the rest of my life.

I was searching for words to explain it to someone the other day and I couldn't, you put it beautifully. The weirdest part, and it always happens to me, when I see someone in the street that kind of looks like my dad, I half-expect to see him as I get closer. I don't know, half of people's lives are made out of concepts and associations and what they bury inside other people. I'm an atheist but I have no problem with saying that the spirit carries on, and it carries on strong. I think everyone should remember that, especially in this time of the year when everything dies.