OK, time to let this shit out.
Today I hit a year and a half clean and sober, the longest stretch without any mind altering substance since I was eleven. And life isn't making it easy.
Three weeks ago, my roommate and best friend for the last eight years had a fall and hit his head. It bled on his brain for a week unchecked. He continued to work, visit his parents, nobody noticed anything. Then the delerium set in and he crashed his car going down the wrong way of a busy street. It took him a week before he was able to recognize his parents again, and his recovery will be very long and arduous. Barring an absolute miracle, he will be living with his parents for the next year or so, and there is no telling how much he will get back.
Today, I am going to have to start clearing him out of the house. His parents are helping for another couple months with the bills, but then I will need to find another roommate or move. I am also in dire financial straits due to the damage caused by thirty years of aggressive drug abuse and alcoholism. The money is going out everywhere, and there is no room in my life for a second job.
Needless to say, I am hitting my end, it is all so overwhelming. Just the thought of going through the fridge and throwing out his food kills me. I can't even think of another person living here, but I do love my place.
This is all so fucking hard. l'm scared of what's to come. I am insecure in my ability to handle it all. Next to my daughter being in the hospital fighting for her life, nothing can come close to the struggle I am facing. And there is no getting away from it, every aspect of my life, he is involved in. Everywhere I go, people want to know how he is, what his progress is, and all I can do is tell the truth. I am getting spiritually worn from dissapointing people who want to hear good news, tired of seeing broken faces and tears. I am tired.
I won't be drinking today. And tomorrow really doesn't look good for the drink either. If I pick up a drink, all bets are off, my life is over.
Time to start cleaning, to start rebuilding anew. I will need all your love, strength, and support.
I love you guys, thanks for being a calming presence in my life.