I just need to check in somewhere. As most of you know, I got sober last year after thirty years of drinking and drugging. For the most part it's been great, but I am finding one this really fucking hard to deal with, and it is getting worse. My substance abuse habits were a product of an abusive childhood, and the emotions that I was drowning are all coming to the surface now. I have no control over them, they are tired of hiding and waiting, they need to be felt. It started a few weeks ago, as a subtle rise in me, and exploded yesterday. After a two hour long blowout, I was able to calm down with a friend's help, but now I am just feeling lost and empty, like the basis of all I am is gone, and I have to build anew. I feel guilty when I dump it on friends, it's some really heavy shit, and I care too much about them to hand them that type of crap. I know I got a long, slow road of more recovery ahead of me, but damn is it really hard sometimes. I do see a therapist btw, and work a heavy recovery, and they help, but the hours in between get overwhelming. Part of me looks forward to this, getting to relearn all the bad ideas I believed about myself, being a bit more positive on a day to day basis, but the road to that scares the shit out of me. As with everything else, I can only take it one day at a time.
Thanks for letting vent, I needed to get it out. I haven't been posting much, my heart just isn't in it, and this is why. Love you guys.