These last few months have been the most depressing and confusing months of my life.
Yeah, it has to do with that stupid breakup. I guess what hurts me and all that I stand for so much is that I gave so much in that relationship and never got anything. I never expected anything, but looking back I now realize how badly I was treated.
She was my first girlfriend, though I had experiences with young, stupid love before her. I was very mature about our relationship the whole time though. I knew it would not last, as most relationships at our age do not. We never even really called each other or spoke outside of school much. I think we went on five dates, total. We saw each other in school every day and had a lot of classes together though, so that was enough for me. I never even talked about any sort of long term future with her, and neither did she. She was a very interesting person though, and I never exactly fully counted out the possibility of a long term relationship. She never really showed much physical affection (no, she never put out. but with how her parents were and stuff I was lucky to be able to take her to prom. it may have been she just did not want to, I don't know anymore.) but the personal connection we had was more than enough.
But then, after about a year together, for some reason we started to grow even closer together than ever. She began to show affection to me word-wise more than she had before. I fell deeper in love with her than I ever even thought I would. My god, I wanted to touch her so much. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like some other, deeper relationship started between us. I began to really love her.
The last week of high school comes around and we are closer than ever. Because we still do not see each other outside of school, there is still some strange reservedness between us, though. I don't know how to explain it, but it doesn't really affect us when we're together. There are these stupid, cute little quizzes that the school does as a fundraiser that show you your matches with the students and stuff. My results come out as some girl who actually had a crush on me a long time before, and my girlfriend's came out as me. She smiled so big that it made me smile. We get our yearbooks that same week and sign each other's. I sign something funny with inside jokes, nothing seriously mushy. But then I get hers and she tells me to read it after school. Here it is.
"[sonatafanica],
What a year it has been! I can't believe we're finally graduating. I'm so glad we're still an item. We so should have been in the Couples section of this yearbook. What a ripoff! I'm not very good at writing in yearbooks so this is always a challenge,. But you already know I love you very much so I don't have to write it a bunch of times (you better know!!!) What good times we have had together, I will always cherish these moments. I don't know what else to say but that I love yooouuu!
*big heart* [her name]"
Gentlemen, I rarely ever feel good about myself. Reading that made me feel better than I have ever felt in my whole life. It was serious now.
Then a few weeks later my birthday rolls around. She gets so excited to meet my extended family and hang out with me. We have a great time and her family really loves me.
Then we go with only occasional phone conversations for a few months. God, that killed me. What was she doing/ We were in love for fuck's sake! But I understood, as she used to be the most shy, lonely person on earth before me.
Then we have our last date. It goes well. I make her laugh a lot and I'm so glad to see her for the first time in months. We go to dinner, bowl, and then she invites me to her house to play some Halo 3. She has an XBox and I don't.
We have a great time playing that and she sends me on my way. I had been so nervous there, waiting for a chance or sign to make some sort of move psychically with her. I kissed her goodbye, our last kiss.
She calls me in February to talk about "us". You can imagine what happened. I ended up telling her that I would not try to change her mind, but that there were things she needed to know. I told her everything about how I felt. Everything. But I again reminded her that I was not trying to change her mind, just telling her everything. She cried and said she had a lot to think about.
She texted me a few weeks later. Here's the text.
"There is no acceptance you should give to my apology. I've been a rude bitch to you and I'm sorry. I felt so bad that I put you in that position last time but I just don't think right now is a good time for me to be in a relationship. I'll understand if you never want to see me again....but I hope it won't be that way."
I texted back that I was not angry, and i thanked her for letting me down gently.
But I will never fucking talk to her again. How can you just do that, at the peak of a relationship? What happened? I know it's not another guy, she wouldn't do that. She doesn't even leave her house most of the time. She lives fifteen miles away. She goes to a nearby community college. What is preventing her from being in a relationship. It's just insulting on so many levels. I just...I don't know.
To those of you who read all this....I'm sorry.
Topic: The Depressed/Angry Thread. (Read 253775 times)
