The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[Stadler]

Man, this hits me. I literally called Dad 2 weekends ago because I bought a motion detection light switch for my garage. I got thrown by it needing 4 wires and not just 2. I was lost. Called him and talked him through what was in the box and what the directions said and he walked me through it.

My wife has said out loud that she does not want to see me when my Dad dies. Scares the crap out of me.

I said something similar to my now wife back in 2014 or so when we decided to marry.  And I can tell you, it was STILL like nothing I could have anticipated (better in some ways, far far worse in others). 

[Stadler]

That's exactly how I am.  I rely on him or his advice so much when it comes to helping with home repairs, especially electrical stuff.  He just turned 70, and he's still like "hey, lets go up on the roof and cut a hole to install an exhaust fan." and I have to say "eh we'll hire someone to do that, your just had your knee replaced" 

My mom has Alzheimer's (and cancer) and I spend a lot of time thinking about her, mostly in a kind of mourning, where I wonder how things would be different if she were healthy.  She'd see the bigger house we moved into and understand that it's ours, she'd see the kids grow up.  There are days where I think that things would be easier on the family if she were gone, as morbid as it is.  My dad is incredible when it comes to handling her care - it's not easy at all, even though she lives in a memory care facility.  There are so many bills and health insurance/transportation coordination.  He spends 2 hours per day dealing with it all. 

It's very strange to get older yourself and realize that your parents are now that much older.

It's not morbid, it's real. One of my closest friends and I went through that with our moms.   I remember the moment: we were at the Cask and Flagon in Boston, before the Aerosmith show at Fenway in September of '22, and it was just the two of us, and we toasted to a quick, painless end for both our moms. They deserved nothing less.   My mom passed about two months later, his passed about two months ago (so about 18 months later) and it was for the best.  Both women were living lives that had little to no relation to the ones they lived when they were young, vibrant and aware.  I loved my mom dearly, and miss her every single day (her birthday was last week) but the woman I saw the last couple times I visited was not the woman I admire and love so very much.

[Stadler]

I'm not sure which is more common - situations like me/Kade, or those of Tom/Tim/Bill.

It's all of the above.  Hell, my brother's relationship with my Dad was not the same as mine.  Do you know how many of my phone calls with my dad were like "what the hell is up with Mike?"  They were just too alike in too many ways.  At the end they made peace, but still. 

Families are quirky beasts.  My mom - the epitome of "iron fist in a velvet glove" - talked to her brother every couple days up until his death.   She was close as beans to her youngest sister (and sort of "adopted" her niece when that sister died young of cancer back in the '90s) and her middle sister even lived with us for a spell.   Having said all that, she hadn't talked to her older sister for almost 30 years at the time of her death, all over a car. 

[ErHaO]

There are a lot of things in recent years that did a heavy number on me (covid, losing my little sister, illness in close family). At a recent funeral I saw footage and pictures of myself from 10 years ago and it kinda shocked me how much I regressed. I am not talking about looks/ageing, more about how open and confident I used to be and how much I did with friends and family. I locked up over the years for some reason. So earlier this year I sort of woke up and realised I am nearing my mid 30's and need to get my shit together. My life was kinda stuck and at this age you do wonder how you will end up, while people around you are starting families or building up other things. And you really get the feeling you missed your shot, you know.

The positive thing is that I found some dates and ended up dating a bit more long term. But, well, fuck.... this brief "relationship" just ended. It was my first in years (talking pre-covid even) and I feel I done fucked up. I did not give her enough attention and was a bit reserved with physical contact. She apparently eventually thought I was dating another woman and was kinda surprised I was actually into her. Not sure why it took me long to open up, but as soon as that started to happen on my end she told me it is not working out. Thinking back it was partially or even largely due to my behaviour. I feel like an idiot, because she is great and did give me many signs over like the last four months. And she shared a lot, which I did not. Hell, I did not even tell my parents I was dating longer term. We talked it out / said goodbye. But to be honest after a couple of nights of sleep, I am inclined to to one last hail mary text to see if there is a chance for a date for me to show I want to put in the effort. I know that generally does not end well, but on the other hand, my life has also way too much unresolved things because I let people go, did not tell my feelings, did not attempt to change the situation etc. Maybe it is better to end a situation with a clear double down rejection vs wondering.

I for sure do not wanna be that guy that endlessly texts and and can't move on. But at the same time, I don't want it to be this unresolved thing in my head and I do feel there was more to it than just a couple of dates.

I will also try to be positive in the sense that I have dated a very attractive woman and this year several women have been into me at least. I am also getting close to being back in shape after many years being not.

[Lonk]

I'm probably the wrong person to give advice on this topic, but my opinion is to just go for it. Open up about your struggles and let her know how you feel. Best case scenario, she understands you and gives you another chance. Worst case, nothing changes but at least you don't have to wonder about the "What if".

[Glasser]

I'm probably the wrong person to give advice on this topic, but my opinion is to just go for it. Open up about your struggles and let her know how you feel. Best case scenario, she understands you and gives you another chance. Worst case, nothing changes but at least you don't have to wonder about the "What if".

Very true! At least there will be closure no matter how it goes.

[Stadler]

I'm probably the wrong person to give advice on this topic, but my opinion is to just go for it. Open up about your struggles and let her know how you feel. Best case scenario, she understands you and gives you another chance. Worst case, nothing changes but at least you don't have to wonder about the "What if".

I'm with this advice 100%. Be authentic, or... well, I don't know what the "or" is, but "be authentic", she's either going to love you for who you are or she's not and either way you're better off.

[wolfking]

I'm probably the wrong person to give advice on this topic, but my opinion is to just go for it. Open up about your struggles and let her know how you feel. Best case scenario, she understands you and gives you another chance. Worst case, nothing changes but at least you don't have to wonder about the "What if".

100% this. 

[ErHaO]

Yeah thanks guys, I did it. Not expecting this to change the situation, I think she is pretty determined and thought it out over a period of time. In hindsight I can't say she did not give any signs about her issues with me. But I also can't say I did not try in the end, and that does feel better. I know from past experiences that the things/memories that bother me the most are the unresolved maybes of life, when I did not try. Basically, I told her all the mistakes I feel I made and that I should've opened up to her and expressed myself more. And that I closed myself off emotionally after last year. I also told her I won't be sending her endless texts, but that I do want her to know my feeling in the clearest of terms, unlike what I have been doing for months. 

Regardless of the outcome, I feel like I did learn a lot from this situation, and there have been a lot of positives. But god this also hurt me more than I was expecting.

But I suppose I need to look at the positive factor that I am "alive" again. There was a period where I was completely on automatic pilot and being numb. I am getting closer to the person I used to be. Somehow I do have a good amount of great friends around me and have made achievements for myself that are clearly progress. My first apartment on my own (housingmarket is completely fucked here...), a solid job, my body is getting into a decent shape and people tell me I look healthy/fresh. I also managed to shed some bad habits and keep my apartment clean. So yeah.

I haven't really posted here before I think, perhaps only during early covid. But as part of learning myself to be more personal, it was also good sharing on this forum.

[TAC]

But I suppose I need to look at the positive factor that I am "alive" again. There was a period where I was completely on automatic pilot and being numb. I am getting closer to the person I used to be. Somehow I do have a good amount of great friends around me and have made achievements for myself that are clearly progress. My first apartment on my own (housingmarket is completely fucked here...), a solid job, my body is getting into a decent shape and people tell me I look healthy/fresh. I also managed to shed some bad habits and keep my apartment clean. So yeah.

That's great. The more settled you are, the easier it will likely be that you can start and/or maintain a relationship.

I haven't really posted here before I think, perhaps only during early covid. But as part of learning myself to be more personal, it was also good sharing on this forum.

There's some good natured ribbing that goes on here, but I find that when someone like yourself posts something personal like this, the people around here are quite respectful. Lots of different ages here as well, so there should a be a peer or three that have felt something similar, or have lived through something similar.

[King Postwhore]

People would be surprised that Tim & I care about each other very much. The razzing we do here is not like us talking privately.

Never be afraid to share. We are always here for you, and everyone here.

[Stadler]

Yeah thanks guys, I did it. Not expecting this to change the situation, I think she is pretty determined and thought it out over a period of time. In hindsight I can't say she did not give any signs about her issues with me. But I also can't say I did not try in the end, and that does feel better. I know from past experiences that the things/memories that bother me the most are the unresolved maybes of life, when I did not try. Basically, I told her all the mistakes I feel I made and that I should've opened up to her and expressed myself more. And that I closed myself off emotionally after last year. I also told her I won't be sending her endless texts, but that I do want her to know my feeling in the clearest of terms, unlike what I have been doing for months. 

Regardless of the outcome, I feel like I did learn a lot from this situation, and there have been a lot of positives. But god this also hurt me more than I was expecting.

But I suppose I need to look at the positive factor that I am "alive" again. There was a period where I was completely on automatic pilot and being numb. I am getting closer to the person I used to be. Somehow I do have a good amount of great friends around me and have made achievements for myself that are clearly progress. My first apartment on my own (housingmarket is completely fucked here...), a solid job, my body is getting into a decent shape and people tell me I look healthy/fresh. I also managed to shed some bad habits and keep my apartment clean. So yeah.

I haven't really posted here before I think, perhaps only during early covid. But as part of learning myself to be more personal, it was also good sharing on this forum.

Now go DO it!  It's an odd thing to say, but these are things you can practice.  When I was in high school/college, I was painfully shy.  I wouldn't walk into a lecture hall if the lecture had already started, because I didn't want to be the center of attention that way.  I grew out of that slowly over time, but in part by forcing myself into those situations.  I started teaching classes at work (trading off the insecurity of being in front of people with the confidence I had in my knowledge and abilities).  Now?  I will talk to anyone at any time. 

I'm not suggesting that the next girl you meet you tell her about all your hemorrhoid issues on the first date; that's not it at all. But pick something - hopefully something INTERESTING and not with any pathos! - that you've historically been reluctant to share, and pledge to yourself to share it on your next date, with whoever it is. 

[cramx3]

Thanks for sharing your story ErHaO.  It does suck to know that maybe you screwed this relationship up, but you seem to understand how that happened and the best you can do is learn from it and use that experience going forward.  If she wasn't willing to work with you after you opened up, then it's probably for the best anyway even though it hurts a lot now. 

[ErHaO]

Thanks guys!

Man, it hit me hard, did not know what 3 months could do and especially how many memories it could create. She did reply that she needs to digest it. Not holding out hope, but it is good to know she read my part. I think a part of what hits hard about something like this, is that there is a feeling of "maybe this would've worked really well" instead of a longer one that just hit the bottom and clearly did not work.

Thankfully a good friend of me was here yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I did talk about my actual feelings with someone. I think this situation did open me up again, after closing myself up for a good while. Now on a post-breakup regime of inviting as many friends as possible and just doing things like hitting the gym and being active. That does alleviate my feelings a bit.

[cramx3]

Yeah man, start doing those things that make you happy and are good for you, you'll be back stronger than before.

Similarly, I often think back of my break up in 2019, it hurt so much and the following 6 months were really difficult for me and I did so much to better myself in that time, of course covid hit and shit got whack, but I think I came out of it much better and now with a much better relationship too and the reason why is because of getting through those struggles. 

[wolfking]

Thanks guys!

Man, it hit me hard, did not know what 3 months could do and especially how many memories it could create. She did reply that she needs to digest it. Not holding out hope, but it is good to know she read my part. I think a part of what hits hard about something like this, is that there is a feeling of "maybe this would've worked really well" instead of a longer one that just hit the bottom and clearly did not work.

Thankfully a good friend of me was here yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I did talk about my actual feelings with someone. I think this situation did open me up again, after closing myself up for a good while. Now on a post-breakup regime of inviting as many friends as possible and just doing things like hitting the gym and being active. That does alleviate my feelings a bit.

I just want to say mate, if your approach at a reconciliation with her fails, while it may eat you up inside and you'll feel some regret that you could have handled things differently in the earlier stages, just know that if she turns you down, she's not worth your time and is not the one for you and will probably do you a favour in the long run.

[Stadler]

I just want to say mate, if your approach at a reconciliation with her fails, while it may eat you up inside and you'll feel some regret that you could have handled things differently in the earlier stages, just know that if she turns you down, she's not worth your time and is not the one for you and will probably do you a favour in the long run.

This is pretty much spot on.   My life has not been one of grand "closure".  In my humble experience, life just doesn't work that way; we're not inhabiting pat little 22 minute episodes.  And with maybe one exception, for me, I decided in my early 30s that these would be lessons, and these are the steps on whatever road I'm supposed to be on.

I do understand though that some of this is a person's mindset; I am a hopeful person by nature, so that helps, though I believe you can cultivate that if you really want to.

[ErHaO]

Yeah man, start doing those things that make you happy and are good for you, you'll be back stronger than before.

Similarly, I often think back of my break up in 2019, it hurt so much and the following 6 months were really difficult for me and I did so much to better myself in that time, of course covid hit and shit got whack, but I think I came out of it much better and now with a much better relationship too and the reason why is because of getting through those struggles.

I just want to say mate, if your approach at a reconciliation with her fails, while it may eat you up inside and you'll feel some regret that you could have handled things differently in the earlier stages, just know that if she turns you down, she's not worth your time and is not the one for you and will probably do you a favour in the long run.

Yeah, sometimes hard to see this when it happens, but you guys are probably right.

She states she gave it a chance for a good while and it did not work out (to be fair, in hindsight she did), but she seems to be a torn on another date. I will say it has been a bit confusing to me, as the last time I saw her in person, things seemed to go well and heading into a better direction. I would've preferred her to talk to me about the issues in person. I am not holding out any hope for a final date or even continuing our story. But I would really like to give my perspective personally and if it doesn't pan out talk it out in person and say goodbyes. I do think 3 months warrants that vs a couple of dates. We'll see.

This is also my first break of sorts living alone without housemates. It is good to have something for yourself at my age, but man do I miss having my mates in and around my house right now... That in combination with the partially working from home norm makes it all a bit more brutal. Thankfully I do have some social things planned and some friends made time.

[wolfking]

Yeah, sometimes hard to see this when it happens, but you guys are probably right.

She states she gave it a chance for a good while and it did not work out (to be fair, in hindsight she did), but she seems to be a torn on another date. I will say it has been a bit confusing to me, as the last time I saw her in person, things seemed to go well and heading into a better direction. I would've preferred her to talk to me about the issues in person. I am not holding out any hope for a final date or even continuing our story. But I would really like to give my perspective personally and if it doesn't pan out talk it out in person and say goodbyes. I do think 3 months warrants that vs a couple of dates. We'll see.

This is also my first break of sorts living alone without housemates. It is good to have something for yourself at my age, but man do I miss having my mates in and around my house right now... That in combination with the partially working from home norm makes it all a bit more brutal. Thankfully I do have some social things planned and some friends made time.

Don't overthink what her thoughts are doing man.  You've done what you can and taken all the steps you need to take.  Don't be overbearing either with her as hard as they may be and don't appear too desperate either, that definitely won't help you.  As I said, there's nothing else you can probably do at this point in time that would ultimately change what she's thinking. 

And yes, total isolation can certainly get to you if you're not use to it.  It's those times when we are alone where we find how much strength we have within us.  Chin up man, you'll get there.  These low moments are temporary, things will turn around one way or another.

[Stadler]

I hate to be that guy, but who cares what she's thinking?  I mean, I know you do but you shouldn't; it's her thoughts.  No offense, but she doesn't have to have a reason for her choices, and yet you have to honor them as if she did.  You cannot control her, you cannot make her fit your idea of "closure".  I'm so sorry to be the one to say it, but you have to make your peace with where you are RIGHT NOW. You've done all you can do. You've shown (IMO, and I'm being sincere) phenomenal growth here.  Now, it's out of your hands, and if she doesn't respond, all you can do is apply that growth to someone who is receptive to it. 

As for being alone, I struggle with that too; not the "being alone" part, that I can do, but the self-imposition of that aloneness.  Yeah, I have a family, so there's that, but I work out of the house, and there can be an entire week or more that I don't see anyone that I don't share the house with.  I love them dearly, but I find I need to be out, breathing the fresh air and talking to strangers/people that aren't in my household.  It gives me perspective and keeps me sharp (I think it's some of the reason I post here so much, since many of these topics my family doesn't give a rat's ass about).   

[Jamesman42]

Stadler is dead on. Make peace with where you are now. Once I really did this and just enjoyed life as it came, it wasn't too long after that I met my wife. I'm not saying that that is a guarantee, but getting that weight off my shoulder was the best thing for me. It's the best advice but can be hard when you have a lot of these feelings.

[wolfking]

I hate to be that guy, but who cares what she's thinking?  I mean, I know you do but you shouldn't; it's her thoughts.  No offense, but she doesn't have to have a reason for her choices, and yet you have to honor them as if she did.  You cannot control her, you cannot make her fit your idea of "closure".  I'm so sorry to be the one to say it, but you have to make your peace with where you are RIGHT NOW. You've done all you can do. You've shown (IMO, and I'm being sincere) phenomenal growth here.  Now, it's out of your hands, and if she doesn't respond, all you can do is apply that growth to someone who is receptive to it. 

This was pretty much what I was saying, just more articulate haha.

It's easier said than done being in that situation, even if you know yourself there's nothing left to do.

[ErHaO]

Yeah thanks guys. It has been a big learning experience for me. And you are absolutely right, I need to care less what others think of me. As for my mental health, this whole situation did bring me to actually really open up. Last week was the first time I talked about my feelings with people not on their deathbed since my sister died while I was holding her hands. I truly hope nobody will ever have an experience like this so soon in life. I opened up to my therapist, who's conclusion is I am traumatized due to a couple of events (and I am inclined to agree, I put those things in a tiny box in the back of my head but am quite unstable when I open that box). In order to grow, I need to face those trauma's head on and get more comfortable talking about it. I think some of those barriers have been at least cracked.



As for the dating situation, we wrapped it up. We had one brief casual meetup to talk things out and go our separate ways. I liked having a moment of finality like this. If I am honest to myself, there were in fact many moments where I wasn't really having the butterflies in my stomach. But at the same time she also ticked all boxes and sometimes I was definitely into it. Same applied for her. And I think that was reflected in our dating patterns. It just did not work out and I hope we both find happiness. I take it as a huge compliment that out of the many matches she had on the singles night I met her, she went with me for several months. By far the most beautiful woman I have ever had, all around. The odd thing is that to me this also did not necessarily always translate to sexual attraction. Yes, reflecting on it I think I also kinda wished we were more of a match than we perhaps/probably actually were, both physically and mentally.

I don't think I will have the same awkwardness when I meet someone else I find attractive, which is a very good thing. The last years I just regressed so much that dating had been awkward as hell, as if I were a damn teen again or something. So I am thankful for this experience and hope I meet someone that fits me. Not sure where to meet them, but statistically there are a looot of singles where I live.

[wolfking]

Yeah thanks guys. It has been a big learning experience for me. And you are absolutely right, I need to care less what others think of me. As for my mental health, this whole situation did bring me to actually really open up. Last week was the first time I talked about my feelings with people not on their deathbed since my sister died while I was holding her hands. I truly hope nobody will ever have an experience like this so soon in life. I opened up to my therapist, who's conclusion is I am traumatized due to a couple of events (and I am inclined to agree, I put those things in a tiny box in the back of my head but am quite unstable when I open that box). In order to grow, I need to face those trauma's head on and get more comfortable talking about it. I think some of those barriers have been at least cracked.



As for the dating situation, we wrapped it up. We had one brief casual meetup to talk things out and go our separate ways. I liked having a moment of finality like this. If I am honest to myself, there were in fact many moments where I wasn't really having the butterflies in my stomach. But at the same time she also ticked all boxes and sometimes I was definitely into it. Same applied for her. And I think that was reflected in our dating patterns. It just did not work out and I hope we both find happiness. I take it as a huge compliment that out of the many matches she had on the singles night I met her, she went with me for several months. By far the most beautiful woman I have ever had, all around. The odd thing is that to me this also did not necessarily always translate to sexual attraction. Yes, reflecting on it I think I also kinda wished we were more of a match than we perhaps/probably actually were, both physically and mentally.

I don't think I will have the same awkwardness when I meet someone else I find attractive, which is a very good thing. The last years I just regressed so much that dating had been awkward as hell, as if I were a damn teen again or something. So I am thankful for this experience and hope I meet someone that fits me. Not sure where to meet them, but statistically there are a looot of singles where I live.

Sorry to hear mate but at least you got some closure and you can now move on.

[SoundscapeMN]

it's bizarre, my wife's cousin passed away over the weekend. She had had chemo for 9 months I guess but wasn't responding well.

Then this morning, a good friend of mine calls me to tell me his 90 year old mother passed away. Long conversation, sad for him of course, etc. The moment I hang up with him, I get an email about a cousin if mine's ex-Husband, who had had a Brain Aneurysm like 6 weeks ago, but was recovering, passed away this morning.

Maybe all coincidence..but also  after losing 2 elderly family members early this year, time seems to be catching up on us.

[cramx3]

Damn, sorry for your losses

[jingle.boy]

time seems to be catching up on us.

You got that right.  Moreso for my mothers' generation ... she's lost a few this year, and a couple more whose time is very short. 

[Glasser]

it's bizarre, my wife's cousin passed away over the weekend. She had had chemo for 9 months I guess but wasn't responding well.

Then this morning, a good friend of mine calls me to tell me his 90 year old mother passed away. Long conversation, sad for him of course, etc. The moment I hang up with him, I get an email about a cousin if mine's ex-Husband, who had had a Brain Aneurysm like 6 weeks ago, but was recovering, passed away this morning.

Maybe all coincidence..but also  after losing 2 elderly family members early this year, time seems to be catching up on us.

I'm sorry for your losses. 

[TAC]

it's bizarre, my wife's cousin passed away over the weekend. She had had chemo for 9 months I guess but wasn't responding well.

Then this morning, a good friend of mine calls me to tell me his 90 year old mother passed away. Long conversation, sad for him of course, etc. The moment I hang up with him, I get an email about a cousin if mine's ex-Husband, who had had a Brain Aneurysm like 6 weeks ago, but was recovering, passed away this morning.

Maybe all coincidence..but also  after losing 2 elderly family members early this year, time seems to be catching up on us.

Stop posting here! 







That's awful, man.

[wolfking]

it's bizarre, my wife's cousin passed away over the weekend. She had had chemo for 9 months I guess but wasn't responding well.

Then this morning, a good friend of mine calls me to tell me his 90 year old mother passed away. Long conversation, sad for him of course, etc. The moment I hang up with him, I get an email about a cousin if mine's ex-Husband, who had had a Brain Aneurysm like 6 weeks ago, but was recovering, passed away this morning.

Maybe all coincidence..but also  after losing 2 elderly family members early this year, time seems to be catching up on us.

Sorry to hear that man.  The circle of life such is cruel.