The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[TAC]

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

Of course. Sorry if I came across like a dick. A busted appliance, car problems, it is always something. It can get to you for sure.

[Skeever]

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

I get that, this year I've had heaps of days of days where nothing gives me pleasure, everything single fucking thing is a chore.  I just accept it, that's life in my eyes. 

Can I ask, has getting professional help actually helped?

I'd say yes, for sure. When I started I was experiencing anger issues like never before. Just getting mad all the time, lashing out, etc. Being someone I dont want to be. Professional help has helped identity the emotions and conflicts behind the anger and it's not really a problem anymore. The anxiety has been harder to manage though. There's a lot going on, and always at least a few unresolved issues to worry about.

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

Of course. Sorry if I came across like a dick. A busted appliance, car problems, it is always something. It can get to you for sure.

Yep, totally. This week we've had an asthma attack, a busted toilet (our only one), a 4x higher than normal electric bill (still working that one), as well as awaiting some medical test results for myself. The kinda week that makes you wonder why even bother to have hobby or something.

[wolfking]

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

Of course. Sorry if I came across like a dick. A busted appliance, car problems, it is always something. It can get to you for sure.

It does for sure.  However, reading some of these heartbreaking stories from some of the legends on here lately really sometimes needs to be put into perspective with your own issues.  That helps for sure, and while everyone handles things differently, personally it makes me realise how lucky I actually am.  It's hard to do sometimes when you're consumed with your own thoughts, but can be used to keep you level headed, for me anyway.

[TAC]

Yep, totally. This week we've had an asthma attack, a busted toilet (our only one), a 4x higher than normal electric bill (still working that one), as well as awaiting some medical test results for myself. The kinda week that makes you wonder why even bother to have hobby or something.

It's actually the kind of week that makes you wonder why you don't have one.

All the best going forward, my man. Hope the medical tests work out. That's the most important thing.

[wolfking]

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

I get that, this year I've had heaps of days of days where nothing gives me pleasure, everything single fucking thing is a chore.  I just accept it, that's life in my eyes. 

Can I ask, has getting professional help actually helped?

I'd say yes, for sure. When I started I was experiencing anger issues like never before. Just getting mad all the time, lashing out, etc. Being someone I dont want to be. Professional help has helped identity the emotions and conflicts behind the anger and it's not really a problem anymore. The anxiety has been harder to manage though. There's a lot going on, and always at least a few unresolved issues to worry about.

A hobby? Job satisfaction? DTFing? Listening to music? These are all things that provide enjoyment to my day that I do for myself. Is there nothing that you can do or think of that makes YOU smile during the day?

Well, please keep in mind I was just venting, I'm working through all of this stuff with professional help and I don't need the form to bail me out or fix it for me. But to answer your question, there are many days where I cant find enjoyment in a single thing because all the other anxieties and pressures of home and work take up every bit of mental energy I have. It could be something very simple, like a broken appliance, but I just can't let it go and relax even if I've done all I can do at the moment.

My wife and I talk about this quite a bit and I am actively looking for some kind of hobby or thing I can do outside to have a break and find some enjoyment but, as wolf said, easier said than done.

Of course. Sorry if I came across like a dick. A busted appliance, car problems, it is always something. It can get to you for sure.

Yep, totally. This week we've had an asthma attack, a busted toilet (our only one), a 4x higher than normal electric bill (still working that one), as well as awaiting some medical test results for myself. The kinda week that makes you wonder why even bother to have hobby or something.

Thanks for the response there Skeever.  I just feel funny about even entertaining the idea of professional help PERSONALLY.  I guess I know my emotions and why I am how I am and feel how I feel.  Ego issues, upbringings, parents, relationships with parents and siblings, when you look deep inside you can really realise where a lot of issues stem from, so I guess I feel I'm good enough at doing that than getting help.  I also am in constant denial and think I don't need it.......which, I don't. 

Acceptance of a lot of things helps me too.  You can accept which makes sufferable things less sufferable but always allow and know within yourself you can change.  You have to want to though, I know that's hard for me.

[wolfking]

Yep, totally. This week we've had an asthma attack, a busted toilet (our only one), a 4x higher than normal electric bill (still working that one), as well as awaiting some medical test results for myself. The kinda week that makes you wonder why even bother to have hobby or something.

It's actually the kind of week that makes you wonder why you don't have one.

All the best going forward, my man. Hope the medical tests work out. That's the most important thing.

That's what stuck out to me and probably the root cause of your feelings Skeever.  Without knowing the specifics, the unknown there would definitely be the trigger.  Everything else just falls on top and makes you more annoyed, which is understandable.

[Skeever]

Thanks for the response there Skeever.  I just feel funny about even entertaining the idea of professional help PERSONALLY.  I guess I know my emotions and why I am how I am and feel how I feel.  Ego issues, upbringings, parents, relationships with parents and siblings, when you look deep inside you can really realise where a lot of issues stem from, so I guess I feel I'm good enough at doing that than getting help.  I also am in constant denial and think I don't need it.......which, I don't. 

Acceptance of a lot of things helps me too.  You can accept which makes sufferable things less sufferable but always allow and know within yourself you can change.  You have to want to though, I know that's hard for me.

I feel like I know where you're coming from and I debated it myself for a long time. And I felt like I understood my emotions and my upbringing very well, and I would also occasionally read some books about emotions or psychology. But talk therapy has cut out a lot of the noise. It's like " yeah, you could teach yourself guitar on YouTube". But also, you could find a teacher who knows you very well, and giving you personalized advice. For me the breaking point was the anger, that was never part of who I was before, and thus a pretty clear sign that things had gotten out of my control.

Not sure where you're from, but care here is both scarce and expensive. It took months to find somebody who was both right for me and accepting my insurance. And a lot of times I would give up this search because I'd start feeling better on my own.  Then I'd go through a rough patch and have to start all over again.

[wolfking]

Thanks for the response there Skeever.  I just feel funny about even entertaining the idea of professional help PERSONALLY.  I guess I know my emotions and why I am how I am and feel how I feel.  Ego issues, upbringings, parents, relationships with parents and siblings, when you look deep inside you can really realise where a lot of issues stem from, so I guess I feel I'm good enough at doing that than getting help.  I also am in constant denial and think I don't need it.......which, I don't. 

Acceptance of a lot of things helps me too.  You can accept which makes sufferable things less sufferable but always allow and know within yourself you can change.  You have to want to though, I know that's hard for me.

I feel like I know where you're coming from and I debated it myself for a long time. And I felt like I understood my emotions and my upbringing very well, and I would also occasionally read some books about emotions or psychology. But talk therapy has cut out a lot of the noise. It's like " yeah, you could teach yourself guitar on YouTube". But also, you could find a teacher who knows you very well, and giving you personalized advice. For me the breaking point was the anger, that was never part of who I was before, and thus a pretty clear sign that things had gotten out of my control.

Not sure where you're from, but care here is both scarce and expensive. It took months to find somebody who was both right for me and accepting my insurance. And a lot of times I would give up this search because I'd start feeling better on my own.  Then I'd go through a rough patch and have to start all over again.

I can relate to a lot of this and you make a lot of sense here mate.  I just feel strange about talking face to face with a stranger about my shit.  I mean, I know I'm paying them, but I'd just feel silly thinking, "This guy probably has his own shit, going on, why the fuck would he want to hear about my crap?" 

Also, from Australia so we have it too good over here, wouldn't be an issue for m.  Although, I'm so fucking cheap I'd probably find out the price and go, "Nah, fuck that, I'll be right mate!" I'd neglect myself just to save a buck.  Even after my accident, I should have zero cares and spend money more on myself incase I do actually die today, yet I've actually become more fucking cheap.  Can't work that shit out. 

[Dublagent66]

Here's a good one.  I'm already depressed that I have to drive into the office today as opposed to working from home.  But, as soon as I pull out of the garage, it starts raining.  During the monsoon season here in AZ, we usually don't have to worry about rain in the morning because storms build up in the afternoon.  In fact, we are in the middle of extreme drought and rain is usually always welcome.  Just not when I'm driving.  It's sunny outside and raining.  Just rain clouds overhead.  That's it.  Water spots all over the car after just getting it washed and detailed a few days ago.  JFC!!!  I know it's a stupid thing to complain about, but the timing couldn't have been worse which is usually the story of my fucking life.  These are the kinds of things that can ruin a day for me.

[Stadler]

Thanks for the response there Skeever.  I just feel funny about even entertaining the idea of professional help PERSONALLY.  I guess I know my emotions and why I am how I am and feel how I feel.  Ego issues, upbringings, parents, relationships with parents and siblings, when you look deep inside you can really realise where a lot of issues stem from, so I guess I feel I'm good enough at doing that than getting help.  I also am in constant denial and think I don't need it.......which, I don't. 

Acceptance of a lot of things helps me too.  You can accept which makes sufferable things less sufferable but always allow and know within yourself you can change.  You have to want to though, I know that's hard for me.

I feel like I know where you're coming from and I debated it myself for a long time. And I felt like I understood my emotions and my upbringing very well, and I would also occasionally read some books about emotions or psychology. But talk therapy has cut out a lot of the noise. It's like " yeah, you could teach yourself guitar on YouTube". But also, you could find a teacher who knows you very well, and giving you personalized advice. For me the breaking point was the anger, that was never part of who I was before, and thus a pretty clear sign that things had gotten out of my control.

Not sure where you're from, but care here is both scarce and expensive. It took months to find somebody who was both right for me and accepting my insurance. And a lot of times I would give up this search because I'd start feeling better on my own.  Then I'd go through a rough patch and have to start all over again.

Can I weigh in?  When I first went to therapy - not my choice, by the way - I remember telling my mom and she got mad at me: "Why are you telling some phony stranger our family secrets!"  As if we had family secrets, but still.  The point was, it's ours.  And it took a while but I got past it.  And the one thing I took from therapy that opened the whole thing up for me?  I thought I was good at self-reflecting and self-analyzing, and I wasn't even in the ballpark.   Having a trusted non-judgmental - that's the key - third party point you in certain directions is beyond value.

I still have moments - my therapist is a female, and rather attractive, so sometimes SOME topics are harder than others to discuss - but she's a consummate professional, and has created a really trusting, judgment free environment. Skeever is right; even here, where there are no shortage of therapists, finding the right one is sometimes an effort, and to find the right one that takes your insurance even harder - but the payoff is worth it.  You wouldn't self-diagnose a heart condition, or a broken foot, so why your mental health?   As Harry Styles says, "I go to the gym every day, I go to the doctor every year for a physical, I proactively take care of my body, why shouldn't I do the same for my mind?"   I agree 100%

[Skeever]

Totally agree with that, Stadler. I thought I was doing a good job understanding myself, but when I would explain issues I was having with my therapist, the line of questioning she would ask often took me to unexpected places. No in the old-school psychological, "so, you're in love with your mother?" or "let's unpack childhood traumas" kind of way, but in a way that has helped me identity certain patterns of thought that I was not really recognizing - for example, a tendency to internalize, and just generally think in ways that betrayed my own insecurities.

For what it's worth, I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I made that post a few days ago.
I started just listing out all the random shit I was going through at work and home, and assigned a status to it. Then I started chipping away at things that were in my control. I realized, within an hour or so, that I had done almost everything I could do at the moment, and no longer felt the need to anxiously shift focus from one thing to the next without actually solving anything. "Journaling" like this is something I'm going to think about more, as it may be very beneficial to keeping some of the stressors that lead to these negative emotions resulting in anger or depression at bay. 

[Stadler]

Totally agree with that, Stadler. I thought I was doing a good job understanding myself, but when I would explain issues I was having with my therapist, the line of questioning she would ask often took me to unexpected places. No in the old-school psychological, "so, you're in love with your mother?" or "let's unpack childhood traumas" kind of way, but in a way that has helped me identity certain patterns of thought that I was not really recognizing - for example, a tendency to internalize, and just generally think in ways that betrayed my own insecurities.

For what it's worth, I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I made that post a few days ago.
I started just listing out all the random shit I was going through at work and home, and assigned a status to it. Then I started chipping away at things that were in my control. I realized, within an hour or so, that I had done almost everything I could do at the moment, and no longer felt the need to anxiously shift focus from one thing to the next without actually solving anything. "Journaling" like this is something I'm going to think about more, as it may be very beneficial to keeping some of the stressors that lead to these negative emotions resulting in anger or depression at bay.

The funny thing is, my therapist sort of obviously steers me away from that old-line "childhood trauma" line of reasoning. We don't ignore it, but she's really big on "we're not defined by our traumas".   I always thought I had zero control issues, and it turns out that I don't when it comes to other people, but I really, REALLY do when it comes to me.  My biggest breakthrough has just been really to be kinder to myself.  I still worry that I'm going soft, but the results are unassailable, so maybe "soft" isn't the worst thing in the world.  I'm a long way from where I want to be, but I'm far, FAR better off now than when I started with her in 2013. 

[TAC]

My biggest breakthrough has just been really to be kinder to myself.  I still worry that I'm going soft, but the results are unassailable, so maybe "soft" isn't the worst thing in the world.

Can you explain this?

[King Postwhore]

Not beating himself up I'd assume.

[Stadler]

My biggest breakthrough has just been really to be kinder to myself.  I still worry that I'm going soft, but the results are unassailable, so maybe "soft" isn't the worst thing in the world.

Can you explain this?

Yeah; I have a tendency to judge my thoughts and feelings. "That's bad" or "that's something I should feel guilty about".  Guilt in the sort of Catholic School sense.  And she's helped me to recognize that I can't control my feelings, only what I do with them, and even then, "what I do with them" doesn't necessarily mean reject them out of hand or whatever.   And for some of those feelings, it led me to be hard on myself, either in terms of rigidity of thought, or rigidity of action, and that didn't always lead to the best outcomes, especially in my first marriage.

She helped me to relinquish some of that control; that's not really true, because I never had that control to begin with so there's nothing to relinquish, so it's really about letting go the ILLUSION of control.  That sometimes felt like I was selling myself short, or being passive.

NINJA'D BY KING.  Get out of my head, old man!!!

[TAC]

My biggest breakthrough has just been really to be kinder to myself.  I still worry that I'm going soft, but the results are unassailable, so maybe "soft" isn't the worst thing in the world.

Can you explain this?

Yeah; I have a tendency to judge my thoughts and feelings. "That's bad" or "that's something I should feel guilty about".  Guilt in the sort of Catholic School sense.  And she's helped me to recognize that I can't control my feelings, only what I do with them, and even then, "what I do with them" doesn't necessarily mean reject them out of hand or whatever.   And for some of those feelings, it led me to be hard on myself, either in terms of rigidity of thought, or rigidity of action, and that didn't always lead to the best outcomes, especially in my first marriage.

She helped me to relinquish some of that control; that's not really true, because I never had that control to begin with so there's nothing to relinquish, so it's really about letting go the ILLUSION of control.  That sometimes felt like I was selling myself short, or being passive.

OK, I think I understand. Kind of.

[wolfking]

Thanks for the breakdown lads on the professional help thing.  A lot of great points.

Bill mentions the word 'soft'.  That's what I fear I've been at points this year and I hate that.  But that's stupid and definitely an ego things that means nothing in the grand scheme and only affects me.  I still hate the thought of being soft though haha.

[TAC]

I'm still unclear what Bill meant by "soft" though. Is letting something go being soft? Is not wasting energy fighting for something that is not worth it or out of your control being soft?

[wolfking]

I'm still unclear what Bill meant by "soft" though. Is letting something go being soft? Is not wasting energy fighting for something that is not worth it or out of your control being soft?

I guess weak is another synonym for it.

[Stadler]

I'm still unclear what Bill meant by "soft" though. Is letting something go being soft? Is not wasting energy fighting for something that is not worth it or out of your control being soft?

I guess weak is another synonym for it.

Yeah; or settling for second best. Or accepting mediocrity.  I grew up thinking, I was master of my own destiny.  There was nothing I couldn't do without the proper level of work, effort and focus.   There's still a lot of that in my thinking - don't get me wrong; I still think we Americans are a pack of whiners who want the easy way out more often than not - but I've also come to realize "Man plans and God laughs."   There's only so far that can take you.   The way TAC says it is the HEALTHY way of looking at it.  I have to put things in perspective more and realize that, for example, my marriage failing is not necessarily my failure as a husband or a human, even as I take responsibility for those things that I did to make that marriage less than perfect for her.  I need to realize that my kid vaping is not my failure as a father.  Those kinds of things. 

For me, it's too slippery a slope to go in my head from "these 5 things I can influence, or control, these 15 things are going to happen whether I act or not" to "you're a p***y, try harder, you just haven't figured out the trick TO influencing those 15 things yet". 

[ProfessorPeart]

Not sure where to put this but I needed somewhere to vent.

My wife went into the hospital on 7/26 with double pneumonia. She spent a week in the hospital and was discharged because she could breathe on her own without issue. A week later we were back in the ER. Pneumonia came raging back. She spent a week there and then got moved to a long-term acute care hospital where she was for a week.

Yesterday we were back in the ER again. Her pneumonia is gone but her lungs are not working well. She is now at her worst since she got sick. They have her on a special breathing machine at the moment. She called not too long ago and she is having a slew of tests and procedures scheduled to try and figure out why her lungs are so bad.

I was rolling with it, but it's starting to really weigh me down emotionally right now. November will be 30 years that we have been together as a couple. I don't know anything else other than being with her. I just want this to be over and her to be home.

Today has sucked. All tests that would've shown a clot came up empty. I kinda wish they had found one because what they are talking about now is way worse. They are thinking she has interstitial lung disease, for which there is no cure. Essentially, they think her lungs have started to scar, which is permanent. She needs a special biopsy to confirm but the hospital she is in now does not do that. It is part of the system I work for and they want to transport her into Chicago to our main hospital to do the procedure there. She is not even stable enough at the moment to get the procedure so we are not even sure when this is going to happen.

If this is confirmed, she is possibly looking at a life of oxygen, steroids and immunosuppressants for the rest of her life with the worst case being eventual lung transplant.

After she called me and gave me the news, I shut off my work laptop and just left for the hospital. Didn't tell anyone I was leaving. Just messaged my bosses a few minutes ago and told them I can't work tomorrow. They both responded and said that taking time off was a good idea. It's also my son's birthday and now we are trying to figure out how to have a gathering at the hospital instead of our house.

I'm just at a loss right now.

I guess I have been gone since that last post. Hasn't gotten much better. My wife had surgery yesterday where they took 3 samples from her right lung and inserted a chest tube. The folks at Northwestern in Chicago could not discern what the issue is from her biopsy so now they have pulled in the Mayo Clinic, not something you really want to hear. Running thought is that this is still interstitial lung disease but they are trying to pinpoint an exact cause/reason. She might be coming home tomorrow and she will be on oxygen. No other meds until the Mayo chimes in with their thoughts.

Just got done ordering a shower chair and a couple of wedge incline pillows for her. We just freaking bought a brand new bed just before this most recent hospitalization went down and it is not one of those adjustable types so I am doing my best with what I can.

I'm fried and I guess the stress caused me to develop prostatitis. I had some really bad days at the beginning of that. I have to sit on a pillow and I went cold turkey on caffeine on Sunday since it is a major trigger for it. The headaches have been epic.

The last week I have been like a deer in the headlights. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has sent their thoughts my way. I really need it and have been leaning on non-DTF friends lately to help keep me functional. I hadn't forgotten you guys, just didn't have the time. Having trouble finding joy in anything right now.

[wolfking]

Oh Jesus, that's just tragic mate, I don't really know what to say except mine and everyone's else's prayers and thoughts are with you.  Still keep a glimmer of hope that it will turn around.  Getting a prostate problem is really the last thing you need also.  I know all your thoughts are with your wife, but try and look after you too the best you can.

[jingle.boy]

I couldn't have typed it any better, Kade.

Prof... I'm just at a loss for words.  I'm not much the praying type, but I'll be hoping and putting out good vibes in the universe for you and Mrs Prof.  Stay as strong as you can, and let out whatever emotions you need to let out.

[TAC]

Prof, that was tough to read. I'm sure she's freaking out. Take care of your wife, man. It sounds like you are doing just that.

[MetalJunkie]

I just found out how abusive my dad was to my sisters.

[wolfking]

I just found out how abusive my dad was to my sisters.

That's fucked dude.  Couldn't imagine how you must be feeling.

[ProfessorPeart]

Not sure where to put this but I needed somewhere to vent.

My wife went into the hospital on 7/26 with double pneumonia. She spent a week in the hospital and was discharged because she could breathe on her own without issue. A week later we were back in the ER. Pneumonia came raging back. She spent a week there and then got moved to a long-term acute care hospital where she was for a week.

Yesterday we were back in the ER again. Her pneumonia is gone but her lungs are not working well. She is now at her worst since she got sick. They have her on a special breathing machine at the moment. She called not too long ago and she is having a slew of tests and procedures scheduled to try and figure out why her lungs are so bad.

I was rolling with it, but it's starting to really weigh me down emotionally right now. November will be 30 years that we have been together as a couple. I don't know anything else other than being with her. I just want this to be over and her to be home.

Today has sucked. All tests that would've shown a clot came up empty. I kinda wish they had found one because what they are talking about now is way worse. They are thinking she has interstitial lung disease, for which there is no cure. Essentially, they think her lungs have started to scar, which is permanent. She needs a special biopsy to confirm but the hospital she is in now does not do that. It is part of the system I work for and they want to transport her into Chicago to our main hospital to do the procedure there. She is not even stable enough at the moment to get the procedure so we are not even sure when this is going to happen.

If this is confirmed, she is possibly looking at a life of oxygen, steroids and immunosuppressants for the rest of her life with the worst case being eventual lung transplant.

After she called me and gave me the news, I shut off my work laptop and just left for the hospital. Didn't tell anyone I was leaving. Just messaged my bosses a few minutes ago and told them I can't work tomorrow. They both responded and said that taking time off was a good idea. It's also my son's birthday and now we are trying to figure out how to have a gathering at the hospital instead of our house.

I'm just at a loss right now.

I guess I have been gone since that last post. Hasn't gotten much better. My wife had surgery yesterday where they took 3 samples from her right lung and inserted a chest tube. The folks at Northwestern in Chicago could not discern what the issue is from her biopsy so now they have pulled in the Mayo Clinic, not something you really want to hear. Running thought is that this is still interstitial lung disease but they are trying to pinpoint an exact cause/reason. She might be coming home tomorrow and she will be on oxygen. No other meds until the Mayo chimes in with their thoughts.

Just got done ordering a shower chair and a couple of wedge incline pillows for her. We just freaking bought a brand new bed just before this most recent hospitalization went down and it is not one of those adjustable types so I am doing my best with what I can.

I'm fried and I guess the stress caused me to develop prostatitis. I had some really bad days at the beginning of that. I have to sit on a pillow and I went cold turkey on caffeine on Sunday since it is a major trigger for it. The headaches have been epic.

The last week I have been like a deer in the headlights. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has sent their thoughts my way. I really need it and have been leaning on non-DTF friends lately to help keep me functional. I hadn't forgotten you guys, just didn't have the time. Having trouble finding joy in anything right now.

So this took a bit of an upward turn. They are now almost ruling out interstitial lung disease. I guess the Mayo is calling it emphysema and chronic lung inflammation. Still not great, but the doctors were all very happy with the news. They called this a huge win. They are now testing for a genetic defect that can cause early emphysema. My wife has never smoked a thing in her life.

She is home now and on an oxygen machine. We also have 5 travel tanks on hand. A slew of doctor appts next week and she also has to get PT setup so she can start building up her lungs again as best she can. She's only on 2 liters of O2 so it is not terrible. The goal/hope is to eventually get off of it entirely.

It's just nice to have her home. I'm working my butt off taking care of her and the house but I don't care. She's here and that's all that matters.

[TAC]

That's awesome news, man. Maybe once they get it under control, she'll simply have to take a prescription going forward.

Awesome, and fingers continue to be crossed.

[wolfking]

Nice, that's definitely something in the more positive direction mate.  Keep that hope alive, it's working.  I hope she continues to work her way off the oxygen eventually.

[Stadler]

Prof, good to hear (I get that it's not all roses, but still).  Still thinking about you.

[ProfessorPeart]

I appreciate my 'UFO Crew'.

[Stadler]

I don't know who the rest are, but that's me with the tie, and TAC with the shorty shorts. 

[TAC]

Hah! That's actually Wolfking.

[wolfking]

Hah! That's actually Wolfking.

 

[Harmony]

Happy to hear the news Professor.  I lost a step parent to a chronic lung disease so I know a bit about the oxygen tank shuffle.

One piece of unsolicited advice?  Appetite can be impacted by lung disease and oxygen use.  It can cause weight loss very quickly if one is not careful.  Plus being in the hospital, it likely she's already gotten a bit malnourished.  I hope you might be able to find a registered dietician who can advise your wife around her diet as she may need some calorie boosting.  Stay away from doctors when it comes to nutrition advice (doctors don't know squat about nutrition) and never rely on so-called "nutritionists" because anyone can call themselves one of those after a couple of classes online.  RD is the way to go.

Enjoy having her home.  I bet the only one happier than you to have her home is HER!