I have always thought that I'm pretty strong mentally, I do still think that. I'm arrogant and can be a dick, I know that. I always thought depression, mental illness and everything in between were things people used as excuses. I do still think that of some unfortunately, as I'm cynical as fuck, but this year so far have had me experience things I haven't ever experienced before. I am getting a greater understanding of some of these issues that plague humanity. Seeing posts like Tom's that sparked the resurgence of this thread in a way breaks my heart but I get it.
Since my accident in Feb, a lot has changed. I internally struggle with still being able to wake up everyday fit and healthy. I beat myself up everyday as I should be jumping for joy that I won the lottery in life, I really did, and have been told over and over. I'm a quiet person who doesn't like the spotlight, so it's hard to be the focal point of things, especially like this, I hate it. I feel some days I don't deserve the second chance I got. People with families and kids that die and don't get the second chances should have gotten what I got. I know that's stupid but it's what I deal with. Having said that, I have yet to take a day off work, I refuse to. People can see I'm in a different place mentally and while things inside my head conflict every day, I haven't run away, I'm not sure why.
Some days I legit wish I was taken away that day. Sometimes I feel death would be easier. While I'm lucky with the outcome, some days I feel the lucky ones are actually the ones taken away in these sorts of scenarios. Again, I torture myself over these thoughts. It makes me wonder the whole meaning of life debate. From my experience and how close I've come, it's hard to see and find what the meaning to life might be. Nothing is certain in life and everyone's outcome is the same, which is death. The goal is to make the most of the time we have here, but it's hard. I feel week and pathetic after some of the struggles that have been posted right above for instance, because I have none of these, nowhere even close. But, as silly as it sounds, how close to death I've seen and came, it's nothing to fear and accepting it in the moment, I can't shake from my head, and it's scary to know I was happily prepared to die in that second. This is a mindset currently I don't wish on anyone. Luckily, I do carry on and function, because what I think some days would torture a lot of people and shows after 38 years, some vulnerability I've never had before, so I take that as a positive and a part of learning and growing.
As everyday goes on, this acceptance of what should have happened sits with me more and more. it's pretty fucked, but using it to be stronger is the key, not let it affect me long term. Have people said I'm going into depression? Yes, they have. Are people worried about my mental health? Yes, they are. Am I worried about these things? A little, but I'm okay. I just remember I can go for a run and listen to Iron Maiden, so what's not to be happy about. Does that still fill the void and end the things going through my head? No, but it's something to help alleviate things, just a little bit. These little things are what you hold onto to make it worthwhile. The meaning of life is those little things we have and can do to hold onto to help us through each fucking day of what sometimes is hell on earth.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, it makes me stress less about everything in life and I'm making use of still being fully fit. I want to run an ultra marathon, because I can. I shouldn't be able to, but it's something I'm working towards. But, I guess I don't give two fucks now, I have nothing to lose, but in life, no one has anything to lose, but that also brings other issues. While it's great on a day to day basis with the stresses of life, it goes the other way and decreases motivation. It's a fine balancing act which adds to the daily struggles of life.
I don't know where I'm going with this as it's hard to put things into words but I just wanted to put some things down to relate to you lads in here struggling. The struggles are real, I'm leaning that. But, I feel at times in life we need to get to these lowest points to bring ourselves back up. We need to know our limitations from both ends of the spectrum. I feel getting past these points of feeling like we're in the depths of hell in life is hard but might help fight the negativity of bad thoughts to try and come out of the other side. I'm working on my issues. I wish I didn't have them. Do I feel weak for having struggles after my year? Yeah, 100%, another thing I beat myself up over daily, that's why I'm contempt that I'll never be the same, but using it as a challenge to deal with the issues and emotions.
All of us struggling have the ability to work through and keep demons at bay. One day at a time, that mindset is helping me at the moment. It's not a quick process to overcome things and nor should it be. I was struggling and beat myself up more each day because I wasn't 'over it.' Take all the pressure off yourselves. Focus on yourselves and what you want in life. That's funny for me to say because I've never known what I've wanted from life, I'm still figuring it out at 38, but those little things, that's what it's about for me at the moment. Everyone look after yourselves and enjoy the little things each day. We need to stop putting pressure on ourselves to be what others expect us to be, I'm learning that. Sometimes being down is what we need to be happy. We need these times to recharge and find what we may be looking for.
Hope is a wonderful thing and take comfort that our darkest days and hours can make us stronger in the long run and bring the brightest days, eventually. Allow and accept the hard times but take each day as it comes and never lose the hope that it will turn around. Tell yourself you're strong enough to move past it also. Don't let the demons win. I'm far from perfect, but it's helped me through the last 7 months.
Topic: The Depressed/Angry Thread. (Read 254971 times)
