The Depressed/Angry Thread.

[Cool Chris]

If I have learned anything about this forum since I've been a member, if you have something to share, whether it be good, bad or ugly, your fellow members are here to listen. Sometimes just typing out your thoughts helps. I am happy that it has given you some comfort. I know I am not alone wishing you we could offer you some more.

[jingle.boy]

That sounds awfully terrible, and to me it just sounds like your way of processing your grief.  I'm sorry for your pending loss.  Losing a parent is a terrible thing.

[chknptpie]

I'm sorry, but I need to rant here... TL;DR last paragraph below.

My dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 13 months ago or so. He's slowly declined in health, but his condition wasn't really getting worse, and doctors were doing chemo and other things to shrink the tumor so it could be surgically removed, as it was pushing on his stomach causing him to not be able to digest food. This surgery never came to pass as they were not able to shrink the tumor... Eventually he needed a cane, then eventually he needed a walker, then he couldn't walk far past the end of the driveway, then couldn't get up off the couch very often, just enough to go to the bathroom, then eventually, not at all. In the last few months I could still talk to him, some days were better than others, but some days he couldn't talk too much due to the medication, but he was otherwise still functioning, still using his phone or tablet, still making himself a cup of coffee, etc... Over time he lost most of his body fat and muscle mass. He needed to go to the hospital 3 weeks ago to get a stent put in his liver, but for whatever reason the doctors couldn't get his body response or whatever it was under control so they could do the procedure right away, so we waited. Then he got covid after being in the hospital for a few days, they said they now needed to wait two weeks to quarantine before doing the procedure and gave him the option to stay or go home, and my dad refused to stay longer so he was sent home. That was about two weeks ago.

At some point, he told my mom that he didn't want to go to the hospital anymore, he has had to go there many times over the past year. Early last week, his health started rapidly declining, and he has been put under hospice care since last week. I did not see him for the previous couple of weeks or so because of his contracting of covid and wanting to play it safe, but was texting him here and there before the rapid decline. I finally saw him again. He is bedridden, unable to move much, basically looks like a corpse from the holocaust. He cannot talk, barely responds to anything, and just blankly stares at the TV. I have been stopping by my parent's house almost every day to see him. First couple of days were rough, I was incredibly overwhelmed because of how badly he had declined in such a short time. I could not eat, my entire body felt like I was really sick, I felt immense cold and felt like I needed to bundle up like it was 20 degrees below zero. I cried 4 or 5 times that first day. I laid in bed for 2 days. I still have knots in my stomach, every emotion you can think of I have experienced now in the last 5 days. I have no motivation to work, I can't listen to much music, I put some light jazz on in the background for myself to help keep me calm but that's it. I can't stay focused on anything else besides thinking about my dad. Today I saw him and he looks even worse, and I actually thought he might be dead when I walked in the room. When I first saw him like this, I could sense he was still inside there, but today, I felt like he was just gone. A bag of bones. I can't even pick up the phone to inform my friends what is going on (I don't use social media and my extended family is well aware of what is happening via my mom.) I have no use for social interaction right now, which is why I'm here ranting.

I'm not looking for sympathy, but maybe ways to help me cope with this. I've forced myself to eat something, anything, these last few days, but I either feel nauseous or knots in my stomach at all times, and have a constant desire to bawl out cry. It's 60 degrees out but I feel like I can't wear enough sweat pants and hoodies to stay warm. Walking helps, but only temporarily. Then I just want to go back to bed. I'm thinking of setting up and "moving back in" with my parents this week until the final day comes, just so I can be close by. Sitting at my apartment seems to make things worse for me, mentally. Typing this out helped a little as well, but I am just a mess like I've never been before.

Reading through this took me back 6 years when I went through this with my father in law and esophageal cancer. We went through the same stuff, chemo, unable to eat, major weight loss, gabapentin, fentanyl and morphine. He had the same look you describe and there were times I wasn't sure he was still alive. I think "moving in" until the final day is absolutely worth it. My husband took FMLA and was able to basically do that but came home to sleep. Do whatever you can to just be there if it will help you process this life changing time. For us, nothing would have made it easier or better. It just fucking sucks. I hope you can find comfort in something and hold on to it.

[Stadler]

Darkshade, I don't have any magic words for you, but having seen this a couple times now (we have cancer in our family, at least on mom's side), I feel for you and your family.  It can be heartwrenching to watch. I would offer that whether you move in or not for your own sake and for your parents, you're doing the right thing in reaching out to address your feelings as best you can.  If walking helps, walk away.  If writing here helps, write away (we'll read it!).   If music helps, let us know and we can send you something.  I don't know you or your family well, but in my experience, if it was me, my mom and dad would want my love, my strength, and would want to face this time with the knowledge that their son is carrying on any or all of those good things they've tried to teach me or leave with me over the years.   My dad is handicapped, so I have a sort of head start on you in that way, but over the years I've learned the body is just a shell; the essence of your dad is so much more than that, and you still have some of that to share and enjoy and remember.

[cramx3]

Damn, just reading that brought a tear to my eye.  So sad and I have no experience personally to give you any advice.  Just hang tight.  DTF is here for you. I'm very sorry. Fuck cancer.

[darkshade]

Thanks everyone, for the kind words.

[darkshade]

My dad passed Friday morning. Died in his sleep according to the hospice nurse. He was 59, he was going to turn 60 in May.

[jingle.boy]

My dad passed Friday morning. Died in his sleep according to the hospice nurse. He was 59, he was going to turn 60 in May.

Dayum.... so sorry to hear that.  Just fucking awful to lose a parent that young.

Fuck cancer.  Just fucking fuck it.

[Lonk]

Really sorry for your lost

[Stadler]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine the feelings, especially at that age...

[KevShmev]

Sorry to hear about your loss as well.  I can't even imagine. 

[wolfking]

Sorry for your loss mate.

[Cool Chris]

Worth repeating:

...you're doing the right thing in reaching out to address your feelings as best you can.  If walking helps, walk away.  If writing here helps, write away (we'll read it!).   If music helps, let us know and we can send you something....

[cramx3]

Sorry for your loss

[Kotowboy]

.

[wolfking]

Worth repeating:

...you're doing the right thing in reaching out to address your feelings as best you can.  If walking helps, walk away.  If writing here helps, write away (we'll read it!).   If music helps, let us know and we can send you something....

Great statement from Bill.

[kirksnosehair]

Only 2 years older than me.      Way too young to be leaving us.


I'm so sorry for your loss, Darkshade. 

[Chino]

Many hugs 

[OpenYourEyes311]

This sucks, Darkshade. I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad at 59. I was 29 and it was two weeks after my wedding. I'm hurting for you.

[TAC]

Darkshade, I am so sorry to hear. I don't come in this thread much so I didn't see your initial post last week. Pancreatic cancer is the fucking devil. I feel so bad for your father. He wasn't much older than some of us.
Thoughts and prayers for you..

[kirksnosehair]

Pancreatic cancer is almost always fatal because it's rarely caught early enough to prevent it from metastasizing.  It's what got Alex Trebek and Patrick Swayze     Both died within less than 1 year from diagnosis.   

[darkshade]

Thanks everyone. The last couple of weeks have felt like one long day..

[darkshade]

So more bad news. My grandma (my mom's mom) has been in the hospital since just hours before my dad passed, so that has also been something we've been dealing with. She got covid, hasn't been able to breathe and has been on a ventilator for almost 2 weeks. My aunt is a nurse and has been in constant contact with her and the hospital, and today it seems she has taken a turn for the worse. While I am hoping for a recovery, it doesn't seem like she will make it the next 24-48 hours.

[TAC]

Damn bro!

[jingle.boy]

Son of a bitch. So sorry

[KevShmev]

Damn, man. That is awful. 

[King Postwhore]

Oh man.  I am so sorry.

[cramx3]

when it rain, it pours, im so sorry

[wolfking]

Just awful. 

[kirksnosehair]

Damn, brother, that's a lot of shit to be dealing with all at once.


We're here for you, man.   

[darkshade]

Sad to say, my grandmas succumbed to her condition and passed away this afternoon. She lasted longer than expected, but I was not able to communicate with her at all during this entire time, and it upsets me.

[jingle.boy]

Sorry for your loss

[wolfking]

So sorry to hear mate, all the best.

[Stadler]

I'm sorry for your loss, Darkshade.

[King Postwhore]

I'm so sorry for your loss darkshade.