I'm sorry, but I need to rant here... TL;DR last paragraph below.
My dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 13 months ago or so. He's slowly declined in health, but his condition wasn't really getting worse, and doctors were doing chemo and other things to shrink the tumor so it could be surgically removed, as it was pushing on his stomach causing him to not be able to digest food. This surgery never came to pass as they were not able to shrink the tumor... Eventually he needed a cane, then eventually he needed a walker, then he couldn't walk far past the end of the driveway, then couldn't get up off the couch very often, just enough to go to the bathroom, then eventually, not at all. In the last few months I could still talk to him, some days were better than others, but some days he couldn't talk too much due to the medication, but he was otherwise still functioning, still using his phone or tablet, still making himself a cup of coffee, etc... Over time he lost most of his body fat and muscle mass. He needed to go to the hospital 3 weeks ago to get a stent put in his liver, but for whatever reason the doctors couldn't get his body response or whatever it was under control so they could do the procedure right away, so we waited. Then he got covid after being in the hospital for a few days, they said they now needed to wait two weeks to quarantine before doing the procedure and gave him the option to stay or go home, and my dad refused to stay longer so he was sent home. That was about two weeks ago.
At some point, he told my mom that he didn't want to go to the hospital anymore, he has had to go there many times over the past year. Early last week, his health started rapidly declining, and he has been put under hospice care since last week. I did not see him for the previous couple of weeks or so because of his contracting of covid and wanting to play it safe, but was texting him here and there before the rapid decline. I finally saw him again. He is bedridden, unable to move much, basically looks like a corpse from the holocaust. He cannot talk, barely responds to anything, and just blankly stares at the TV. I have been stopping by my parent's house almost every day to see him. First couple of days were rough, I was incredibly overwhelmed because of how badly he had declined in such a short time. I could not eat, my entire body felt like I was really sick, I felt immense cold and felt like I needed to bundle up like it was 20 degrees below zero. I cried 4 or 5 times that first day. I laid in bed for 2 days. I still have knots in my stomach, every emotion you can think of I have experienced now in the last 5 days. I have no motivation to work, I can't listen to much music, I put some light jazz on in the background for myself to help keep me calm but that's it. I can't stay focused on anything else besides thinking about my dad. Today I saw him and he looks even worse, and I actually thought he might be dead when I walked in the room. When I first saw him like this, I could sense he was still inside there, but today, I felt like he was just gone. A bag of bones. I can't even pick up the phone to inform my friends what is going on (I don't use social media and my extended family is well aware of what is happening via my mom.) I have no use for social interaction right now, which is why I'm here ranting.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but maybe ways to help me cope with this. I've forced myself to eat something, anything, these last few days, but I either feel nauseous or knots in my stomach at all times, and have a constant desire to bawl out cry. It's 60 degrees out but I feel like I can't wear enough sweat pants and hoodies to stay warm. Walking helps, but only temporarily. Then I just want to go back to bed. I'm thinking of setting up and "moving back in" with my parents this week until the final day comes, just so I can be close by. Sitting at my apartment seems to make things worse for me, mentally. Typing this out helped a little as well, but I am just a mess like I've never been before.
Topic: The Depressed/Angry Thread. (Read 253416 times)
