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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: kirksnosehair on June 27, 2021, 05:48:38 AM
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I went digging for the "funny stuff" thread and saw that it was locked so I wanted to post this silly story/pun/joke
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
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The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a nick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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I don't get it, but that doesn't say much.
The doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
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Do vehicles that transport donkeys haul ass?
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Don't ever tell a pig a secret, it might squeal on you! 🐷
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HAHA, Barry, I like that one!
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I once asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Unforunately, he didn't.
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People are shocked when they discover I'm a terrible electrician.
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I once asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Unforunately, he didn't.
That took a minute...
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I once asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Unforunately, he didn't.
That took a minute...
Me too, and I'm german. ;D
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What’s the difference between a sharply-dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's a parent.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.
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I once asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Unforunately, he didn't.
I'm not sure this works. If you asked in German and got a response in German ("neun"), there would be no confusion. If you asked in English, then a response of "nine" (a homophone of "nein") should also result in no confusion.
Yeah...I'm that guy.
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I once asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Unforunately, he didn't.
I'm not sure this works. If you asked in German and got a response in German ("neun"), there would be no confusion. If you asked in English, then a response of "nine" (a homophone of "nein") should also result in no confusion.
Yeah...I'm that guy.
For us Polacks, who don't speak a word of German after "kindergarten", it's still funny. :) :) :)
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A guy calls a house, and a child answers in a whispered voice... "hello..."
The guy asks "Hi, is your father there?"
Little boy whispers "yes"
The guys asks "may I speak to him?"
Little boy whispers "I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone"
The guy then asks "Well how about your mother?"
The boy whispers "yeah, she's here"
"Well, can I speak to her then?"
The boy whispers "I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone..."
The guy asks "Well is anyone else there?"
The boy whispers "yeah, a policeman"
The guy asks "well, can I speak to him?"
The boy whispers "I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone"
The guy asks "Is there anyone else there?"
The boy whispers "yeah, a fireman"
The guy asks "Well, let me speak to him then..."
The boy whispers "I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone"
The guy finally asks "Well what are all these people doing?"
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The boy whispers "looking for me"
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Well, that went dark at the end, but it got a laugh out loud! :)
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Well, that went dark at the end, but it got a laugh out loud! :)
It's not dark, the little kid is just fucking with everyone :lol
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I knew this guy who had a dog that didn't have any legs. He decided to call it cigarette, because every night after dinner....he took it out for a drag.
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How is a Crab like a Chinese man being run over by a steamroller ?
One is a Crushed Asian.....
Yeah it works better if you hear it.
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There are 2 types of people in the world.
One - those that can work out the ending of a joke
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A cat goes to the neighbor's dog and says "I killed 4 rats last night." The dog says "you know, I've killed 3 cats this week." The cat says "Oh my God, a talking dog!"
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Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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I have dogs named one and two, if one dies I still have two.
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What was Forrest Gump's email password?
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1forrest1
:omg:
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me. :eek
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What does an upset chef make food with?
Angrydients
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I made a pun about the wind but it blows ::)
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I had a good one about a pizza but it was pretty cheesey
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
:lol
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” :loser:
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
“I was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,” replied the horse.
The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip.
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:lol
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Kirk, you're on fire!
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Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
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Because they’re shellfish.
;)
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Kirk, you're on fire!
"The Farce is strong in this one..."
(https://filmschoolrejects.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/spaceballs.jpg)
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I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
It had been crossing so long it could not remember. As it stopped in the middle to look back, a car sped by, spinning it around. Disoriented, the chicken realized it could no longer tell which way it was going. It stands there still.
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Why did the man cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.
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What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
A Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store.
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If the system has no place for you, and you’re forced to live on its fringes teetering between poverty and anarchy… you might be a redneck.
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg!
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg!
Same energy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MUsVcYhERY
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
A: Still no fucking eye deer
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg!
Same energy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MUsVcYhERY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MUsVcYhERY)
:rollin
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I once bought a book called "1001 Jokes for computer programmers".
Turned out to be a bit of a rip off, as it only had 9 jokes.
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
A: Still no fucking eye deer
Now THAT'S a joke. Multilevel (the "still" pun took a couple of reads).
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Yeah, that one can be kind of tricky in writing, it works better verbally in person
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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says, “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
And so the podiatrist says, “Moth, man, you sound troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “...‘cause the light was on.”
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that was a heavy lift :lol
I have the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
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What’s even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.
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I have a Chuck Norris joke
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
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Don't get me started; I love the Chuck Norris jokes.
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Wet gets Chuck Norris.
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If only my name was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
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<snip>
Better Nate than lever.
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Death once had a Near-Chuck-Norris experience
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I could take Chuck Norris in a fight.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
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he quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
This says otherwise. (https://i.imgur.com/9nVMRqa.jpeg)
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he quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
This says otherwise. (https://i.imgur.com/9nVMRqa.jpeg)
:lol
Under redundant, see redundant.
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There's a saying in the USA: Possessio is nine tenths of the word.
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Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as simply The Islands.
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There's a saying in the USA: Possessio is nine tenths of the word.
I ee what you did ther.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
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Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as simply The Islands.
Three winners. :)
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Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as simply The Islands.
Three winners. :)
:biggrin:
One of these days I will have to dig the hefdaddy facts back out (I shit you not).
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
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Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I'll see what I can do.
That was fun. And a little embarassing.
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Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I'll see what I can do.
That was fun. And a little embarassing.
Why do I get the feeling I contributed a good amount to it?
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(https://www.cloudynights.com/uploads/monthly_06_2021/post-245602-0-12754900-1624982868.jpg)
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Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I'll see what I can do.
That was fun. And a little embarassing.
Why do I get the feeling I contributed a good amount to it?
Because you are a man of great insight and perspicuity.
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My fave Chuck joke.... Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Also, Chuck Norris has counted to infinity .... twice.
Sperm 1: "Wheee... how long until the ovaries?"
Sperm 2: "Relax, we just passed the tonsils"
Ovary 1: "Did you order any furniture?"
Ovary 2: "No, why?"
Ovary 1: "Because there are two nuts down there trying to shove an organ thru the door".
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.
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:biggrin:
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7b/0c/e4/7b0ce44f3ced2a5b6289d6839a43b8b0.jpg)
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I thought it was because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.
(https://memecrunch.com/meme/C4ADM/whut/image.jpg)
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What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.
(https://memecrunch.com/meme/C4ADM/whut/image.jpg)
There was no punch line.
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum.........................................................and coke.”
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.
(https://memecrunch.com/meme/C4ADM/whut/image.jpg)
There was no punch line.
O I C K THX BAI :justjen
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Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
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A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
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If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?
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If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?
(https://i.redd.it/uwe9robq57t41.png)
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A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.
The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!”
The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”
Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.
So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”
Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.
The moral of this story?
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Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
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There was no punch line.
They say that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't a good joke, but I for one am glad to have this explained to me, and I feel that I have benefitted from having a greater understanding of the joke overall.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A deer. The absence of eyes doesn’t change the species.
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A woman asks her husband to go down the shops. She says to him "Can you pick up a gallon of milk and if they have eggs can you buy a dozen?" The husband nods in agreement and heads out.
The husband returns 30 minutes later with 13 gallons of milk.
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A woman asks her husband to go down the shops. She says to him "Can you pick up a gallon of milk and if they have eggs can you buy a dozen?" The husband nods in agreement and heads out.
The husband returns 30 minutes later with 13 gallons of milk.
Who knew buying milk was conditional on the store having eggs ;)
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
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Just in case he got a hole in one.
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There was no punch line.
They say that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't a good joke, but I for one am glad to have this explained to me, and I feel that I have benefitted from having a greater understanding of the joke overall.
I didn't even think about that and just thought it was a shaggy dog story.
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What has two legs, and is red all over?
Half a cat.
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What's red and sits in a corner? A baby sucking on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in a corner? Same baby 3 months later.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
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A guy walks into a bar....
The bar tender ask "what can I get you?"
The man's says "I'll have an entendre."
The bartender asks "would you like a single or a double?"
The man says "I think I'll have a double entendre."
The bartender says with a smirk "So you want the big one."
:omg:
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The man who invented the double entendre died last week.
His wife's taking it hard.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
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I'll let you know.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
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I'll let you know.
Ten minutes too late. :lol
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Yeah, I got ninja'd on that because I had to go to the bathroom before I clicked the reply button :biggrin:
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Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."
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By adding a colon to a sentence, you can significantly change its meaning. For example:
"Jenny ate her friend's sandwich."
"Jenny ate her friend's colon."
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What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
Rock pay-for scissors.
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Yeah, I got ninja'd on that because I had to go to the bathroom before I clicked the reply button :biggrin:
Hey, it's a great joke! :lol
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Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.
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If a man is standing alone in the woods and he talks and there is no woman there to hear him....
...is he still wrong?
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Why is there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “what is this, some kind of joke?”
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Why is there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
My dad used to tell that joke all the time. That, and the farmer outstanding in his field.
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By adding a colon to a sentence, you can significantly change its meaning. For example:
"Jenny ate her friend's sandwich."
"Jenny ate her friend's colon."
I love jokes like that. :rollin
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By adding a colon to a sentence, you can significantly change its meaning. For example:
"Jenny ate her friend's sandwich."
"Jenny ate her friend."
I love jokes like that. :rollin
Edit for a darker twist.
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By adding a colon to a sentence, you can significantly change its meaning. For example:
"Jenny ate her friend's sandwich."
"Jenny ate her friend."
I love jokes like that. :rollin
Edit for a darker twist.
(https://i.imgflip.com/1sco3b.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/SKyhb1zm/FB-IMG-1625236573245.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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What is red and goes up and down?
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I recently became addicted to Viagra. My wife is taking it incredibly hard.
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C, E flat and G walk into a bar....
...and the bartender shows them the door saying,
"sorry, we don't serve minors"
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The bartender says,
"We don't serve time travelers here"
A time traveler walks into a bar
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What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/207535020_10226093027014535_7991782586488065668_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=xZ_vMko86_oAX8pcu6V&tn=Pzbr6lrUAGgGVxLR&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=eb214044dae6d0a45e01906cd0530d2e&oe=60E52CF5)
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What is red and goes up and down?
It’s a tomato in an elevator.
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A man sued Delta for misplacing his luggage. Unfortunately he lost his case.
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" Ask me if im an Avocado :biggrin: "
" Are you an Avocado ? :D "
" No. :angry: "
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...ok my new favorite thread. My officer cousin's favorite joke...Here we go:
A guy is driving down a hill and gets pulled over.
The cop says, "sir, why are you in such a hurry?"
"I'm late for work, I'm a rectum stretcher"
"What's a rectum stretcher?"
"Well, you start with 1 finger, then 2, then 3 until you get both hands in. Then you start stretching until it's 6 feet"
"What do you do with a 6 foot a-hole?"
"Give him a radar gun and put him at the bottom of a hill"
-Tof
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I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.
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Speaking of going extra miles...
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
All I want to know is who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? :justjen
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I walked into Ikea the other day and shouted at the top of my voice "I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME GET FROM MY GROUND FLOOR UPTO MY 1ST FLOOR"
You should've seen the stairs I got.
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office license key: I will find you. You have my Word.
I'm going to the reverse origami championships tomorrow...
Can't wait to see how it unfolds.
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Hey...did you guys hear that the CEO of IKEA was elected as the Prime Minister of Sweden?!
His first order of business...???
..
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...
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Assembling his cabinet! :biggrin:
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Hey...did you guys hear that the CEO of IKEA was elected as the Prime Minister of Sweden?!
His first order of business...???
Assembling his cabinet! :biggrin:
Starting with the Minister of the Interior.
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Life is like...toilet paper.
You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone :justjen
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!
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What do you call an anorexic model with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
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(Better said out loud):
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
The impatient cow.
The impa-
MOO!!!!
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*Also better said aloud* : A joke I made up several years ago.
A very obese man goes to a garden furniture store.
The manager comes running over
" Good news ! " he says. " All morbidly obese people get any one item in the store for FREE today only ! "
The obese man took a fence.
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A kid asked his mom for the new Play Station. The mom said "No, do you think I’m made of money?"
Then the kid said, “Isn’t that what mom stands for?”
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:p that joke doesn't work in the UK Spelling with a U.
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:p that joke doesn't work in the UK Spelling with a U.
mum= Money under management :biggrin: :angel:
(https://img.devrant.com/devrant/rant/r_1795318_gPJs1.jpg)
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(https://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/21-of-the-worst-puns-3.jpg)
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(https://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/21-of-the-worst-puns-19.jpg)
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A lot of people don't realize that Darth Vader had a long-lost brother called Ele and thus...
(https://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/21-of-the-worst-puns-14.jpg)
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ThusVader ?
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/215641647_10216178368652016_7656425322231940227_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=dbeb18&_nc_ohc=vM95XU92naEAX-TehSO&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=821b3492dd5795eb9c96f3fe3cead142&oe=60ECFE1B)(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/215641647_10216178368652016_7656425322231940227_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=dbeb18&_nc_ohc=UTtaiQDctAIAX972Hyz&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=97d153a3488ea88b8f38384bcbfbedf9&oe=60FECA5B)(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/215641647_10216178368652016_7656425322231940227_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=dbeb18&_nc_ohc=MSBtmiuB9zAAX_heTOz&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=72f532ff58952eedbf34de236c660b74&oe=60F4E71B)
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LOL!
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/215641647_10216178368652016_7656425322231940227_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=dbeb18&_nc_ohc=vM95XU92naEAX-TehSO&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=821b3492dd5795eb9c96f3fe3cead142&oe=60ECFE1B)
That had to hurt. :o
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A family is driving down the road behind a truck carrying a load of dildos. Suddenly, the back doors come unhinged and a crate of dildos slides out of the truck and smashes onto the road in front of the families car. Dildos go flying everywhere, as the father driving the car swerves to avoid them. However, one large dildo slams into the windshield, and cracks the glass.
Six year old Johnny calls out from the backseat, "What was that?!"
Thinking quickly, and trying to avoid the real explanation, his mother says, "An insect just hit the windshield."
"Damn! " says Johnny, "How can it even fly with a cock that big?"
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A couple decided to throw a party with a theme. The theme was come to the party dressed in a way that describes your mood. Several guests showed up in various outfits that showed they were angry, sad, happy, in love, among other things. Then a knock on the door and the host of the mood-themed party opens the door and there is a dude standing in front of him naked from head to toe with his penis buried in a custard pie.
The host, kind of surprised, says, "So what kind of mood is this supposed to be" and the guy says "I'm fucking dis..custard"
OK, I'll go now :blush
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A little off color but…
(https://i.redd.it/9fnevt13gvl21.jpg)
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Oh man :rollin
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Hmmmmmmmmmm.....
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/217992081_10158234645796794_6856134626503233603_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=fi9WQiYMna0AX_rv0Wz&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=4480346c38d2e8b0ab109fa2f5239d58&oe=60F5F732)
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(https://i.imgur.com/0hpmGVT.jpg)
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(https://i.imgur.com/0hpmGVT.jpg)
I've always chuckled at those lyrics, but that's freakin' awesome!
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No joke or pun. Real life. I can't get into my pocket for my wallet to pay for the food I'm picking up. Inside I'm swearing that these shorts suck.
I put my shorts on backwards. My poor wife.
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I always wanted to be a Monk but I never got the chants.
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I was recently kidnapped by Mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
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(https://i.imgur.com/0hpmGVT.jpg)
:rollin
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I have so many question about that picture. :lol
That car had to be moving to achieve that kind of altitude :eek
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Footage of the crash:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cj4RKSWBmc
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Damn...that's less than 3 miles from my office.
Here's the current Google Maps link: https://www.google.com/maps/@33.7601224,-117.8641103,3a,60y,28.75h,99.16t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sZF1r_xb6xPMS-QCQE8IaBw!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?hl=en
No idea how you catch that kind of air off an island in the middle of the street. The bus drive must have shit his pants!
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The bus drive must have shit his pants!
This guy? Nah, he's seen worse.
(https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/O7R7reIo1XFrMXc6ao3j3g--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtjZj13ZWJw/http://magazines.zenfs.com/resizer/original/xuPjfrij41OFeFUKUAE9RqP5_zQ)
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The bus drive must have shit his pants!
This guy? Nah, he's seen worse.
(https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/O7R7reIo1XFrMXc6ao3j3g--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtjZj13ZWJw/http://magazines.zenfs.com/resizer/original/xuPjfrij41OFeFUKUAE9RqP5_zQ)
Yeah, but he did miss a lot of the really good stuff.
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BlissfulEvilBaiji-size_restricted.gif)
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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
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When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
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I've been developing a Yoga joke but it's kind of a stretch
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Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme. ;)
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Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme. ;)
:rollin
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How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, if you slice them thinly.
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How did the Swedish vocalists get to the studio to record with Genesis?
...
...
The took an ABBAcab! :biggrin:
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Not a joke, but I just realized - after listening to the song for the better part of 40 years - that "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy is a pun. Suicide "solution" as in an answer to a problem and suicide "solution" as in the liquid solution. Who knew that
Ozzy Bob Daisley had that depth. :)
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I thought Suicide Solution was Judas Priest?
Maybe i'm getting confused with two seperate court cases... What was the Priest backmasking scandal ?
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I thought Suicide Solution was Judas Priest?
Maybe i'm getting confused with two seperate court cases... What was the Priest backmasking scandal ?
It was Ozzy.
Priest was another suit.
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It wasn't backwards masking. It was alleged (inaudible) messages in Better By You Batter Than Me.
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I thought Suicide Solution was Judas Priest?
Maybe i'm getting confused with two seperate court cases... What was the Priest backmasking scandal ?
Not backward masking. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judas_Priest#Subliminal_message_trial
The Ozzy suit alleged an overt exhortation to commit suicide: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozzy_Osbourne#Controversy (fifth paragraph)
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(https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/236892057_10224995847979076_1709437368844104029_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-4&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=ZI9kIm87i8gAX_Y4V2k&tn=ZfSsT23eKKrFQwef&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=52a9c22b66859aedfb70fdde3016c60a&oe=6119E1FC)
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What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller!
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My wife tripped and fell down the stairs while carrying laundry to put away..........I watched the whole thing unfold.
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Toilet mysteriously stolen from police station. They have nothing to go on.
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My wife tripped and fell down the stairs while carrying laundry to put away..........I watched the whole thing unfold.
I laughed more than I should have (in case my wife heard me and asked me what I was laughing about) :p
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All three of the jokes on this page got a full laugh. I love that kind of humor.
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a rabid pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"
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Nice!
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What's red and sits in the corner ?
A naughty Strawberry !
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What's red and sits in the corner ?
A naughty Strawberry !
I hear that joke in John Oliver’s voice.
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
:facepalm:
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(https://i.imgur.com/s9rYHzI.jpeg)
Am I doing it right?
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Perfectly!
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The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking event.
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So we had a hurricane/tropical storm come through here and we had biblical amounts of rain.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking event.
But it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation.
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
:lol Good one :tup
The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking event.
But it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation.
:lol
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The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking event.
But it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation.
Until the invention of the axe chopped down the competition.
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My baby farts a lot. I’m predicting she’ll be a teacher when she grows up since she’s already a great tooter.
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Started reading a book about gravity…….I can’t seem to put it down.
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I made up a few jokes lately...
1. I was just thrown out of a shop because my mask was " too tatty "... So I pointed angrily to their sign which states " Face masks MUST BE WORN "
2. Someone recently asked me on Twitter " WHAT DO YOU THINK OF POLICE REFORM ? " and I replied " I Think it would be great cause I missed their last tour ! "
3. I want to open a 24 hour Hairdressers called " Last Chance Salon "
;D ;D
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2. Someone recently asked me on Twitter " WHAT DO YOU THINK OF POLICE REFORM ? " and I replied " I Think it would be great cause I missed their last tour ! "
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I'm going to jail for travelling into the past.
Just like that old saying goes
" Don't do the time crime if you can't do the time time. "
:emo:
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Know why Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
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:jamaritard:
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I'm reading a horror novel in braille right now.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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I'm reading a horror novel in braille right now.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Haha. That was good slow burn joke.
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The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking event.
But it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation.
But then someone invented the vacuum cleaner and it really sucked.
not to be outdone however - the leaf blower was invented - but that also blew.
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A travelling salesman knocks on the door of a house, and it's opened by a small five-year old child smoking a big cigar and drinking from a big bulb of brandy.
"Hello little boy, are your mommy and daddy home?" he asks.
"Does it f***ing look like they're home?"
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Saw an advert for a Hi-Fi system. It had a broken volume slider, but at $1 it was impossible to turn down.
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What's the difference between Iran and Iraq?
Only Iran is afraid of spiders. Iraq - no phobia.
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(https://i.imgur.com/7kwtlvn_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
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(https://i.imgur.com/T8U8YcD_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
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Oh wow, now there's a joke you can milk... :neverusethis:
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Oh wow, now there's a joke you can milk... :neverusethis:
That's udderly ridiculous.
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Can we moooooove on?
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So, I'll steer us in a different direction...
Real life: we just hired a new attorney, and on the team call, my boss said "Meet Ellen (not her real name); some of you have spoken to her on the phone, but we'll just have to wait until the next fiscal year (ours starts on April 1) to expose her to the rest of the team!" He paused, and said "Let me rephrase that."
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(https://thumbor.forbes.com/thumbor/fit-in/416x416/filters%3Aformat%28jpg%29/https%3A%2F%2Fspecials-images.forbesimg.com%2Fimageserve%2F5ed560d07fe4060006bbce1e%2F0x0.jpg%3Fbackground%3D000000%26cropX1%3D422%26cropX2%3D1300%26cropY1%3D0%26cropY2%3D879)
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What's worse than waking up with ants in your pants?
Uncles.
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What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea?
I've never paid to have a garbanzo on my face.
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What is the difference between a picture of Jesus Christ and the real Jesus Christ?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
(You thought I was going to say there's no such thing as the real Jesus Christ didn't you?)
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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+Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
+Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
+Chuck Norris can speak braille.
+Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
+Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
+Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together