DreamTheaterForums.org Dream Theater Fan Site
General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Kotowboy on November 03, 2015, 09:54:30 AM
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Hole found in wall of nudist camp.
The police are looking into it. :neverusethis:
Toilets stolen from Police Station.
The officers have nothing to go on. :neverusethis:
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A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Why the long face?
Horse: I have cancer.
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Best Horse joke in this thread.
Hands down :neverusethis:
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Best Horse joke in this thread.
Hands Hooves down :neverusethis:
FTFY
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Horses are measured in hands. :neverusethis:
YOU PHAIL
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John Kerry walks in to a bar.
Bartender: Why the long face?
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Blind Man and his Service Dog walk into a bar. The man reaches down, grabs his dog by the tail and starts swinging it over his head. Bartender says "Hey....can I help you with something?". The man says "Nope, just taking a look around."............
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Why Did the Witch take off her underwear?
To get a better grip on the broom......
(told to me by a little girl no older than 7 or 8)
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How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist beach?
It's not hard.
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto. :|
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
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Can we keep it clean guys ? :neverusethis: :police:
How did the policeman know the Locksmith was guilty ?
When he arrived at his workshop - the Locksmith made a bolt for the door :neverusethis:
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Why should you never take a shower with a pokemon in the house ?
He will Peek at you :neverusethis:
How do you get Pikachu on a bus ?
You poke him on :neverusethis:
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
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This thread is fantastic!
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What are not red and are not funny ?
No Tomatoes :neverusethis:
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This thread is fantastic!
You're I'm Fantastic :neverusethis:
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Why did the chicken cross the Playground ?
To get to the other SLIDE :neverusethis:
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Why were Indians the first people in America?
They had reservations.
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Why is bread so much fun?
Because it's made of WHEEEEEEEEat! :neverusethis:
How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist beach?
It's not hard.
Oh god, it took a second and then I was like :mehlin:
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
A man goes to his doctor for a physical. The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
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How many cancer patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20. 1 to screw it in, and 19 to tell him how brave he his.
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What happens after you get grey hair?
You dye.
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
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A man goes to a zoo. There's only one dog in it. It's a shitzu.
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what do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' catholic.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
No Idea ! :neverusethis:
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a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
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A termite walks into a bar and asks "Hey, where's the bar tender?"
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Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night, wondering if there was a Dog.
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Hey - has anyone seen Stevie Wonder's piano lately ?
Nor has he :neverusethis:
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(https://cdn.meme.am/instances/65080997.jpg)
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
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My dog is a rubbish bloodhound.
I cut my finger and he fainted.
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Ewww, hef.
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Wow, you grossed out Jackie. And here I didn't think my respect for you could get any greater Hef...
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What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?
A condescending con descending.
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:lol :lol
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What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?
A condescending con descending.
:clap: :lol
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Why did the parrot get kicked out of the classroom?
He was using fowl language.
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Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
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My dog's got no nose!!!
How does it smell?
Awful!!!
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Wow, you grossed out Jackie. And here I didn't think my respect for you could get any greater Hef...
:djhef:
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My dog's got no nose!!!
How does it smell?
Awful!!!
That's from Monty Python, right?
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yes, it's the subtitles to Hitler's speech
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Yeah, I know. Just checking. Fantastic sketch :lol :lol
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I highly doubt they invented the joke itself though.
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Yeah, I don't think so either.
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/af/61/6a/af616ad39dffbe147f7834f3ca1c51e1.jpg)
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Ric Ocasik walks into a bar
Bartender - why the long face?
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I've got a dirty joke.
Two white horses fall in mud...
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Here's a joke I made up !!
Q : Why did I go to comic con dressed as a lettuce ?
A : It was my Cos Play :neverusethis:
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Psychiatrist to Patient:"How long have you felt that you are a dog?"
Patient: "Since I was a puppy.".
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Another joke I made up !
Q : Which band is not allowed sugar ?
A : The Diabetles ! :neverusethis:
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What does one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner!
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whats red and smells like blue paint? red paint
whats brown and sticky? a stick
whats brown and rhymes w/ snoop? dr dre
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What do you call a short Mexican?
A 'paragraph'... because he's not a full essay.
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What is Mario's favorite material for his overalls?
Denim denim denim
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Is that supposed to represent the sound of Mario going down the pipe ?
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Shouldn't this thread be "The Kotowboy Joke Thread"? :neverusethis:
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Shouldn't this thread be "The Kotowboy Joke Thread"? :neverusethis:
THERE IS NO WAY THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN.
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:lol
I have so many bad jokes I'm freezing right now.
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:lol
I have so many bad jokes I'm freezing right now.
Well put the heating on and tell us ! :neverusethis:
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Is that supposed to represent the sound of Mario going down the pipe ?
...yes.
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What wouldn't the cat eat spicy food?
He had Catsid Reflux
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:beg: so bad
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
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what do you call a nun with a sex change?
a trans-sister.
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A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he gets them. He goes to get a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
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Need an ark?
I Noah guy!
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How did Arnold respond when invited to the Classical costume party?
I'll be Bach!
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E minor is a really scary chord. It gives me the E-B-G-B's.
C, E flat and G walk into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
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E minor is a really scary chord. It gives me the E-B-G-B's.
C, E flat and G walk into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
Proper laughed at the first one.
The second one is a bit more specialist :P
Although E-B-G-B is more of an arpeggio than a chord :neverusethis:
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What happened to the man who ate 4 cans of alphabet soup?
He took the biggest vowel movement ever
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What happened to the man who ate 4 cans of alphabet soup?
He took the biggest vowel movement ever
If he farted - it could spell disaster ! :neverusethis:
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What happened to the man who ate 4 cans of alphabet soup?
He took the biggest vowel movement ever
If he farted - it could spell disaster ! :neverusethis:
Nice!
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What is Mario's favorite material for his overalls?
Denim denim denim
That joke doesn't work in text, but I love it. A homeless dude told it to my friend and I on the street for a dollar, and I've been reusing it ever since.
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What do you call a fast zombie?
A zoombie.
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What do you call a fast zombie?
A zoombie.
Speaking of which, I can't count all the times I've seen people actually spell it like that (Zoombie) :facepalm:
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What happened to the man who ate 4 cans of alphabet soup?
He took the biggest vowel movement ever
If he farted - it could spell disaster ! :neverusethis:
It could also spell relief!
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It could spell T H E E N D :neverusethis:
and so on ad infinitum...
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Woah. Is that even possible? How big is the bra anyway?
*amazed*
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Woah. Is that even possible? How big is the bra anyway?
*ASTONISHED*
FTFY
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Woah. Is that even possible? How big is the bra anyway?
*ASTONISHED*
DT
FTFY
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:lol :lol :lol
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whats red and blue and sits in a tree?
a brick wearing jeans
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What's white and cannot climb a tree ?
A fridge ! :neverusethis:
Why did the boy fall off his bike ?
A fridge fell on him ! :neverusethis:
WHat's black and can't drive ?
A Bin bag :neverusethis:
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What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY!
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What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY!
You made me choke on my sandwich.
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I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
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THE BAD JOKE THREAD
Jimmy Carr's Career :neverusethis:
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I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
You're living in a fowl's paradise, my friend.
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:lolpalm:
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For any Harry Potter fans.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?
It was making him moody.
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Why did Kotowboy tackle the rooster before it crossed the road?
To prevent yet another cock joke.
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Why did Kotowboy tackle the rooster before it crossed the road?
To prevent yet another cock joke.
AND I'D DO IT AGAIN TOO ! :angry:
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What's the Russian word for VD?
Rotchercockov
Goin 80's with that one!
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An old man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He's the only one there and it's kinda quiet so he goes over to the jukebox. They've got some rock and roll, some jazz, some country, even some classical. The bartenders says "You can pick anything that's rock and roll, jazz or classical."
"But why not--?"
The bartender just points to the sign: "No Country for Old Men"
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:slowclap:
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:rollin :rollin
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I have a crush on a solipsist, but she doesn't even know I exist.
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I always call my pet fishes "one" and "two".
If one dies I still have two. :facepalm:
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Why were Indians the first people in America?
They had reservations.
What is it when you call to plan a vacation at a casino, but you aren't sure about it?
You have reservations about the reservation reservation.
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Which tastes better ? Earth rock or Moon rock ?
Moon rock - because it's a little meteor ! :neverusethis:
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
One caught fire on Pepsi while the other caught fire on Coke.
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What do you call a three-humped camel?
Pregnant.
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What do you call a three-humped camel?
Pregnant.
I thought you called it Humphrey ! :neverusethis:
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who got an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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This is the dumbest joke of all time... brace yourselves
A man is sitting on his chair. He hears a knock at the door. He goes to the door, opens it and sees a snail. He kicks the snail. One year later the man is sitting in his chair and hears a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says "what the hell was that?!"
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This is the dumbest joke of all time... brace yourselves
A man is sitting on his chair. He hears a knock at the door. He goes to the door, opens it and sees a snail. He kicks the snail. One year later the man is sitting in his chair and hears a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says "what the hell was that?!"
:rollin
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Two markets are flying in the sky and first market says - Dude, we should not be flying, what is going on?
Second market replies - No man, did you forget, we are Super Markets :lol
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:facepalm:
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Guy : Dude Ask Me If I Am An Egg ? :biggrin:
Dude : Are You An Egg ? ;D
Guy : Nope. :neverusethis:
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Thanks for these, I now feel well equipped for Christmas.
I'll add these:
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
Which cheese would you use to coax a bear down from a tree? Camembert!
How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly!
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese!
You're welcome.
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How do you handle WELSH cheese? Caerphilly!
FTFY
Diloch Yn Fawr i ti. :neverusethis:
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:emo: Doctor, doctor. I feel like i'm a pair of curtains..
:angry: fuck off.
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A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bouncer says "Hey! Don't you START anything in here!"
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
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well done.
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Why did Adele cross the Road?
To say "HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIDE!!"
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A look at some updates to the dictionary:
Twig - Yorkshireman's hairpiece
Bible - Purchase a male bovine
Culture - Ultravox singer's fan club
Chicken Caesar Salad - Poultry bird notices a cucumber
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue on the coffee?
He drank it before it was cool.
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue on the coffee?
He drank it before it was cool.
Did you hear about the hipster who drowned in a tributary?
It wasn't mainstream.
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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was with the wall.
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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was with the wall.
:clap:
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Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives.
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What kind of train eats too much?
A chew chew train.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?
Half a worm in your apple!
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What do you call Japanese soup that tastes bad? Miso Sorry. Just made that up. Hah! I kill me!
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A man walks into a bar walking a crocodile attached to a rope. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, do you serve Englishmen?"
The bartender says "Certainly."
The man says "Great. I'll have a pint, and an Englishman for my crocodile."
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:rollin :rollin :rollin :rollin
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Out in the field, one cow asks another "Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?"
Second cow: "Good thing I'm a helicopter"
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I never knew that cows used Tumblr...
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Has anyone been to that new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but there's no atmosphere....
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What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
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^ nice ones :lol
One of life's paradoxes: A broken vacuum cleaner. When it happens, it sucks, but it also doesn't suck.
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Thought of a terrible joke today....
What's a a sex addict's favourite pen ?
The Felt Tip.
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Where do you find a legless dog?
Same place you left him!
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What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
Getting them out of the wheelchair first.
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I made my daughter cry today.
I guess I misunderstood her when she said she wanted stuffed animals for her birthday.
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(https://i.imgur.com/BB8uu0y.png)
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I :heart this thread
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A man went to the zoo, they only had 1 dog.
It was a shih tzu.
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A man went to the zoo, they only had 1 dog.
It was a shih tzu.
I prefer my version of this joke.
*ahem*
" I went to the Zoo yesterday and all they had was 1 dog...
...needless to say I was very disappointed and shall not be returning ! :angry: "
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When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, says he can stop any time.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
No Idea...
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?
Still No Idea...
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Alternative dictionary:
Idea (1) - Conceal yourself in this place.
Idea (2) - Digital stag.
Pokemon - The red Teletubby should hurry up.
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What would happen if Rick Moranis got lasik eye surgery?
He'll Suddenly Seymour.
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DBN70LrUwAEAZ-N.jpg)
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Middle of the night, a couple of rednecks are driving a U-haul out in the middle of nowhere. They come to an underpass with a sign saying:
Warning: No Trucks over 11 Feet Tall
Redneck in the passenger seat says "Why are we stoppin'?"
Driver says "Guy at the U-haul place said this truck is 11 foot 2."
Passenger just grins and says "I don't see no cops around, do you?"
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mrs.jingle has got us on one of these tropical fruit diets. It's enough to make a mango crazy
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mrs.jingle has got us on one of these tropical fruit diets. It's enough to make a mango crazy
:neverusethis: O nO yoU di'nT !!!!
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What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
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But Stevie Wonder's wife is a total babe. Have you seen her?
Either has he.
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C, E flat and G walk into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
Then G turns to E flat and says "I told you to act natural!"
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C, E flat and G walk into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
Then G turns to E flat and says "I told you to act natural!"
I found the whole joke on Reddit
"So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar."
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I liked it until the final sentence then it was too much :p
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"I would like to own a second basketball team in Miami so that when the announcers ask what my team's name is I can say 'well it's not the Heat, it's the Humidity'."
-Brian Regan
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That would be amazing.
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What gender is Siri?
Non-binary
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What sexuality is Siri?
Binary
Fix'd
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Where's Kotowboy been?
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
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Where's Kotowboy been?
Rumor is he accidentally smiled and was quickly removed from our reality.
:(
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
I'm completely serious. Did he get banned or something?
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
I'm completely serious. Did he get banned or something?
I don't know. He is alive, as he's active on Instagram. I'll shoot him a message and see wtf is going on.
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What's Pennywise's favorite spice?
Curry
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What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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What's Pennywise's favorite spice?
Curry
Try and guess which one is Joey Tempest's instead.
:D
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Car's in the shop, so I rode my bike to the liquor store. I was gonna put the bottle in the basket on the front of the bike, but then I thought if I fell off or something, the bottle would fall out and break. So I drank the whole bottle right there.
Good thing, too, 'cause I fell off the bike six times on the way home.
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Car's in the shop, so I rode my bike to the liquor store. I was gonna put the bottle in the basket on the front of the bike, but then I thought if I fell off or something, the bottle would fall out and break. So I drank the whole bottle right there.
Good thing, too, 'cause I fell off the bike six times on the way home.
:lol
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
I'm completely serious. Did he get banned or something?
Got banned apprently. Even tried to rejoin as KoTWOboy, but got caught by the mods.
B.Lee
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
I'm completely serious. Did he get banned or something?
Got banned apprently. Even tried to rejoin as KoTWOboy, but got caught by the mods.
B.Lee
:rollin :rollin
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On-topic, I found this gem a while ago:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIxcLGXXkAAPSFE.jpg)
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Where's Kotowboy been?
:lol
That's a good one!
Oh... wait...
I'm completely serious. Did he get banned or something?
Got banned apprently. Even tried to rejoin as KoTWOboy, but got caught by the mods.
B.Lee
:rollin :rollin
I thought that that was pretty clever, actually, but I just figured he'd forgotten his password or something. Sometimes people do, and rather than go through the recovery process, they just make a new account. I didn't realize he'd been banned.
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On-topic, I found this gem a while ago:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIxcLGXXkAAPSFE.jpg)
I shouldn't have laughed but the last line made me howl...
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On-topic, I found this gem a while ago:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIxcLGXXkAAPSFE.jpg)
Omg!!! :rollin
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Noooooooo
I shouldn't be laughing but
:rollin