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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Prog Snob on July 29, 2015, 07:01:16 AM
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Sometimes when you think everything is going amazing and you think nothing can tear you down, the unexpected catches you in the back.
After my wife and I split, I moved forward with my relationship with the most amazing girl I ever met. She seemed to be everything and have everything I ever wanted in a woman. She had the same passions as I did and we felt from our very first meeting that the connection was unreal. Recently we had been looking into the meaning of twin flames and realized it described us so perfectly. It made us feel connected at such a deeper level that I felt secure for the first time in my life. I put everything into this girl and wanted to give her so much more just to show her how much she meant to me.
She's due in September with my my first son and we were looking for a bigger place to live to accommodate the new arrival. I found a couple of places nearby and everything kept falling into place.
She left me last week, saying that she needed a break and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She felt there was too much happening at once and that it was too much to handle so she needed to rethink her future.
I was devastated, like I never felt before. I felt like my heart was ripped out and stepped on. I felt like everything beautiful she said lost its meaning and the hurt has been so powerful that I don't even want to do anything. I left so much behind thinking she was actually the genuine person she came off as. She was saving me from a marriage gone wrong. She was a connection like I had never felt before and now it's all gone. In the blink of an eye, for a second time in two years, my future has been destroyed. It's unbearable to think of her without breaking down because it makes me think of every word she told me to make me feel loved and now I have to accept it as lost and try and move on, try to trust again, and find some meaning somewhere.
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I'm so sorry man. Damn that's tough to hear. You hang in there ok.
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Sorry to hear that man. It sounds from your post that she is just getting cold feet and there is a chance she'll come around. And even if she doesn't your future isn't destroyed. You'll have a new son to live for and as a parent believe me there is nothing better. Everything happens for a reason good or bad. Hang in there.
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Sorry to hear that man. Hang in there.
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That's gut wrenching to hear. Hopefully this feeling she's having is due to being overwhelmed with the pregnancy and will work out better for you both. I can say from recently having a child come in my life that the wife has acted very differently than what I've always known her to be. I hope things to work out for you, don't give up just yet.
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That's terrible news. Especially with a child on the way.
Obviously I only know what you tell us, but it really does sound like she just panicked. If she comes back, just give her one word: Mulligan.
You only get one though.
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Sorry to hear this, like other have stated it sounds like she could be having cold feet and maybe the pregnancy is effecting her emotions. Hopefully she comes around.
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That's awful news, John. I'm so sorry.
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Man....that is tough to hear. But like a couple others have said, maybe she's just getting cold feet and will come to realize what she has. I really do hope it's just a brief separation and that you two can find one another again, especially with a child on the way.
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I'm pulling for you, Mang. If things can be worked out I'm hopeful that they will be.
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My friend, I know those feels all too well. In fact, I still have a few letters from my 7 year relationship that was very much how you described your own. The letters, like her words, like her words to you, are a reminder to me that people talk way to fucking much. Words are paltry things. They can lie, they can inspire hope, and then said person's actions can defy every single word out of their mouth. It happens, and I still haven't found a way to protect myself against it. All I can say is...know that you're going to be okay, know that everything beautiful is not gone and that just because you feel like dying right now, you will feel better in time and that is a fact. Allow yourself time to (for lack of a better word) mourn and heal, then pull yourself up by your bootstraps, raise your head high, and get back on that sarah jessica parker.
If it works, it works; if it doesn't, it doesn't. People change, as do their feelings, and sometimes...sadly, their words get lost in the shuffle and lose their importance. See what happens, and if it's truly done, then learn what you can, take the good, leave the bad, and find yourself someone that is true to you. Stay strong. :heart
Oh yeah and screw that expression in the title cause it's way too true. Before these past couple months I'd been saying it for so long.....wait....I....I've been in a good mood recently. Ohhh...ohhh no. Something terrible is going to happen... *Turns on Skyrim, barricades door, buys twenty liters of water*.
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Thanks, guys. I appreciate the support. I just feel like this isn't the action of someone who recently told me I was like a best friend to her. I feel like if her real purpose was because of the pregnancy and hormones, then she should come out and tell me that. She left me a letter in my mailbox yesterday basically blaming me for most of what happened. I lost it. I just broke down so much that my ex-wife, the one whose family I broke apart for this other girl, came over to console me. I really did everything for this girl. Everything from forgiving her for her mistakes and supporting her when no one else would. She won't be welcome back because everyone in my life, family and friends, are so angry at what she did. So even if she did come back, I wouldn't be able to take her back. This isn't the first time she put our relationship on hold to rethink things. She has been doing this since last summer. But I was foolish and kept forgiving her because we had a lot of fight through so I understood her frustration. This time was it though. I was officially apart from my wife and I had my own place that this girl could come to whenever she wanted. I even made her a key.
I just feel like I was betrayed completely and that she didn't care enough to express any sorrow for her decision. The whole letter was blaming me for everything. Not one sentence mentioned that she still loved me and that she wish things could be the same. I feel like she either lied to me about how she felt all of this time or she did really love me but took the easy way out and just moved on. I really don't know. It's all so confusing.
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Thanks, guys. I appreciate the support. I just feel like this isn't the action of someone who recently told me I was like a best friend to her. I feel like if her real purpose was because of the pregnancy and hormones, then she should come out and tell me that. She left me a letter in my mailbox yesterday basically blaming me for most of what happened. I lost it. I just broke down so much that my ex-wife, the one whose family I broke apart for this other girl, came over to console me. I really did everything for this girl. Everything from forgiving her for her mistakes and supporting her when no one else would. She won't be welcome back because everyone in my life, family and friends, are so angry at what she did. So even if she did come back, I wouldn't be able to take her back. This isn't the first time she put our relationship on hold to rethink things. She has been doing this since last summer. But I was foolish and kept forgiving her because we had a lot of fight through so I understood her frustration. This time was it though. I was officially apart from my wife and I had my own place that this girl could come to whenever she wanted. I even made her a key.
Sorry to add more rain, but it is absolutely completely unreasonable to assume that someone going through that kind of body change would be in touch with that so acutely as to be perfect for you in her expression. I feel bad for you for all that you did, but on the same token, that's what we do. We put ourselves out there and it is reciprocated or it isn't. I'm not suggesting it shouldn't hurt, but as cramx3 just wrote about, you have to be true to your feelings.
My brother is going through this as well (of sorts; his is dealing with menopause) and I'll tell you what I told him: as long as there is a hormone soup going on in her system, you are operating on HER timetable, and on HER terms. It won't be forever, but it is not unreasonable to think that all the things she said were legit at the time, but this is her legit at this time. At this point the uncertainty is overwhelming.
I just feel like I was betrayed completely and that she didn't care enough to express any sorrow for her decision. The whole letter was blaming me for everything. Not one sentence mentioned that she still loved me and that she wish things could be the same. I feel like she either lied to me about how she felt all of this time or she did really love me but took the easy way out and just moved on. I really don't know. It's all so confusing.
Can't speak for the letter, not my business, but why does it have to be one of those two options? Right now, if you really want this to go on, it will all be in how you handle it. Anger and more blame, or understanding and commitment, or something in between?
HARD REALITY ALERT (YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS): I offer this as a thought to you and TioJorge: instead of looking at this as an "attack" or something to be "protected against", why not consider it part of what any healthy relationship is, and that is a sharing of feelings? No one ever guaranteed that every single feeling was going to be roses and whiskey, and now you're dealing with a woman who is pregnant (for the first time?) and looking at the rest of her life with someone she isn't married to and who left his other wife to be with her. I get you're hurting, but perhaps she is too, and perhaps she needs to know how you're going to react. Maybe now is the time to man up and be strong enough for both of you, let her know you're in it to win it.
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Except that it sounds like she did not express these feelings until she left. How are we to work on a relationship if there is no communication that there is an issue. It's obvious that John was happy and looking for a new start to life with this woman and a new child but she did not communicate these issues to work on saving the relationship.
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Except that it sounds like she did not express these feelings until she left. How are we to work on a relationship if there is no communication that there is an issue. It's obvious that John was happy and looking for a new start to life with this woman and a new child but she did not communicate these issues to work on saving the relationship.
Look, I realize I'm probably sounding insensitive, and believe me, I don't mean to, because I've been in that situation, but I've been in that situation. No, it doesn't always work out, but there's a reason that guy sold a billion books called "Venus and Mars". I think that it is the hardest thing in the world to do, but in relationships - especially when we're dealing with physical inputs as opposed to just "I'm a douche" - it is often necessary to take a punch right in the sac and yet think about why the punch came, rather than "how do I hit back"?
Honestly, I read this and it was like a neon sign going off in the frontal lobe of my brain: I've never met her, talked to her, seen her, or even knew she existed before today, but I see a scared, confused woman facing one of the biggest challenges that we as humans face, and wondering - out loud, in so many words - whether she is equipped to face it. Now, whether that "fear" and "confusion" manifests itself as "hey let's talk" or "hey, I'm out till I can figure it out", well, that's why we have a thread called... whatever this thread is called.
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I get the hormone thing. I've been married almost 21 years. But life is a roller coaster that you need someone to lean on. Instead of pulling away, she needs to work things out. Not giving it a chance at all is a damn shame and not fair to the significant other.
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((((((((((((Proggie Snobbie))))))))))))
In some ways, I know exactly how you feel. I'd really rather not elaborate publically, so if you feel so inclined... hit me up with a PM sometime. Thinking nothing but good thoughts for you, my friend. :heart
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Fuck :(
I'm sorry to hear that mate. <3
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That is shitty :(
Sounds like this isn't a huge surprise considering her past behavior but still hurts. Just remember, regardless of what she decides, the child is yours too and you have the right to be involved in his life. I'd be concerned with all the blaming and inconsistency that she might try to prevent that.
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Thanks again, guys. Nobody is being insensitive about this. Stadler, you have some extremely valid points. I wish I could sit here and just know she'll be back and it's very possible she might want to but is afraid to. I know her pretty well and I know she hasn't stopped thinking about me. She's searched me on Facebook twice in the last three days, so she is definitely having trouble letting go. She knows she made a mistake and she knows that I don't deserve to be feeling this way. I guess it's just a matter of fear and facing her deep anxiety issues.
The problem is this...my family and close friends do NOT like this girl right now. So, if she were to try and come back to reconcile everything, that puts me in such a tough predicament. I love this girl like I never thought I could love someone. The way I feel right now, I would take her back in a heartbeat if she came to me with some kind of explanation for her actions. But then that means many people in my life would be really pissed off and make it uncomfortable if they were ever in her presence.
It's just an extremely confusing and painful time for me right now. I don't know what life to prepare for, one with her, or one without her.
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Tough spot John... especially the whole taking-her-back part. We (men) want to forgive, and be accepting of everyone, and moreso, have people accept and approve of us. But (another reality check), do you want your current love for her to over-ride the common sense that she seems to be a little unstable when it comes to relationships? Are you prepared for her to do this again... but maybe with your 2-year old child? You said this isn't the first time she's done this.
Believe me, I've had my ups and downs as some around here know. But if there isn't a two way commitment, then there really isn't anything that truly is 'forever'. It's like the old fable of the chicken and the egg at breakfast... the chicken is involved.; the pig is committed. Sounds like she's a chicken, and you're a pig in this relationship. There's no significant harm in her having the thoughts and feelings she's having, but for fuck's sake... if she committed to you and your relationship, tell those to a fuckin therapist, or BFF - not in a "Dear John" (sorry for the pun) letter to you. If I voiced some of the things that were in my head when things were going not-so-good in the jingle household to mrs.jingle, I'd probably be living somewhere else. But I'm committed to her, to us, to our family and to our lives growing old together. I get the sense from your posts that your gf isn't. I can't understand how she could be given her actions.
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Thanks for the input, Chad. I know she has fears of being dumped again and her defense mechanism is to just walk out before it happens to her. She went through a lot in her past and I put so much into assuring her that I am not like the other guys. I guess that sometimes her anxiety takes over and she panics and makes hasty decisions. I just wish it was easier for her to see that my intentions are completely genuine and that no matter what, I am here for her. I would think everything I have gone through to get to this point with her would be evidence enough, but I guess she can't help how she feels sometimes.
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That sucks, man. :(
Unfortunately for you, it appears her getting screwed over in the past makes her think it will happen again and again, so she seemingly takes preemptive strikes to do it first now, instead of waiting around to be on the receiving end again. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change that. It definitely sucks. :tdwn :tdwn
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Abandonment issues are tough to get past. I've got 'em, and so does mrs.jingle... hers were a source of a lot of our conflicts. One thing that my therapist told me about them was that fear of abandonment can be (and sounds like it is in this case) greater than the need for love. Ergo (to Kev's point), she takes control of the outcome she fears on her own. In the end (another thing my therapist dropped on me), ultimately creating the situation she fears the most. You can't abandon her (which is likely her greatest fear) if she leaves first.
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Abandonment issues are tough to get past. I've got 'em, and so does mrs.jingle... hers were a source of a lot of our conflicts. One thing that my therapist told me about them was that fear of abandonment can be (and sounds like it is in this case) greater than the need for love. Ergo (to Kev's point), she takes control of the outcome she fears on her own. In the end (another thing my therapist dropped on me), ultimately creating the situation she fears the most. You can't abandon her (which is likely her greatest fear) if she leaves first.
So much truth in that. I can't comment on John's situation but I know what it's like to have 'abandonment issues' so to speak, and quite often your mind tells you that making all these cool memories and building this bond is a stupid fucking idea cos it's just gonna cause immense pain when it eventually ends, so it's actually less painful to take control and end the relationship yourself than it is to sit and tolerate the feeling that they might end it themselves at any time. I was messed up for a while after one of my serious relationships ended out of the blue (as in after two years, daytime 'things are great I'm so in love with you' evening 'I don't think this is working I'm leaving in an hour for good', I found it seriously hard to tolerate a relationship because it just felt like setting myself up for more pain. You become certain of the outcome and believe so strongly that they're all doomed to fail anyway so might as well jump off the sinking ship before you drown.
Again, not saying that's what it sounds like for John... sometimes people just aren't invested as much as you want them to be. But what you said about abandonment really hit home.
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Something to consider, too, is:
Let's assume for the sake of argument that her feelings are as strong as yours are. Since she is willing to just abandon someone she loves, she assumes that everyone else will do the same thing - just like a cheater naturally assumes that everyone else would cheat, as a way of excusing their own cheating - so you can convince her till you are blue in the face that you love her and would never do that to her, but because of her abandonment issues, it may never be enough. Again, it sucks.
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Faye! So good to see you! :heart
As far as abandonment goes, I definitely sense that is one of her main issues. For starters, her father left when she was 12. The way I heard it was that she had her arms wrapped around his leg and crying "don't go daddy, please stay." Naturally, that will leave a mark on her for a lifetime. She was engaged to a guy who left her, had a child with a guy who picked up and left, so when we met and we hit it off that same day, she was afraid to commit because I was still going through my separation and she just assumed I would up and leave like everyone else. She started swaying towards other men but would always come back to me whether it was a week later or a month later. So I don't know what to expect this time. She sent me back the copy of my house key that I made for her, wrote me a long letter absolving herself of all blame, and wants to be alone because she thinks it's best for her kids.
However, like I mentioned earlier, she is still checking me out and I know she did that the other times she walked away because she has always had a problem with staying away from me for a long time. I know she reacts out of anger and fear before thinking things through and later on regrets it, which is when she'll reach out to me. Her looking at my page on facebook is already a sign of that. Her letter was hurtful because it made everything about her and didn't show one ounce of care or love for me, so I know she wrote it when she was in a bad state. This is the same girl who used to get up and hour earlier every day to meet me before work, travel out of the way to get to work to spend extra time with me, bring me food every day because at the time my wife wasn't cooking for me anymore, and now she's that hurtful in a letter? Something was off when she wrote it.
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I know it's too late to follow this, but Dating Rule number 1 is: NEVER get seriously involved with a girl with daddy issues. Of course, you can't help how you feel, and girls with daddy issues usually give a lot of attention, because they crave a lot of attention, and a girl giving you a lot of attention is always nice.
If you want her to come back to her, I would almost recommend staying away from her, because she will miss you more if you withdraw all contact from her, but on the flip side, it could reinforce the abandonment issue, since she might think, "See, he is abandoning me," even though she is the one who ended it.
I really wish I had better advice. :(
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I don't mean to burst the bubble, but just to give you my two pence, sometimes people's feelings change and it doesn't mean that something is up with them, it just means that they've changed how they feel about their partner. We all do ridiculously cute stuff in the beginning. That in itself holds no meaning anymore when the relationship ends. I remember when my ex left, crying to my best friend and saying that it didn't make any sense, how could be write what he wrote to me in these love letters he used to send all the time, then just get up and leave me a few months later? She laughed and said she had some plastic flowers in her bathroom that her ex had given her, promising that the day the died would be the day he'd stop loving her. She was right, those things mean nothing once it's over. They're just painful to cling onto.
Even if someone was up with her, for argument's sake, would that make this any better? Can you be with a woman who is so unstable she is willing to walk away from the relationship when there's a baby due? If she came back, if you chose her over your family's disapproval, could you ever shake the gut dread that she would do it again someday soon anyway? She doesn't have a good track record, to have done this more than once in such a short relationship.
My advice would be to right now, take a week or two to yourself to calm down, and then start talking about what's gonna happen when your son is born. Him coming into a world where both of his parents are calm and stable is more important right now than trying to fix things with his Mother. He's coming whether you're ready or not, you need to be as prepared as possible. Maybe your tolerance levels are different but there's no way in hell I'd allow myself to be disrespected to the extent that I was letting someone back into my life and my bed who was already done with me to such an extent that he would leave and write me a 'dear john' even while we had a baby due.
It takes some time to see things clearly and realise that you deserve better and that some people just won't make a good partner to you, whether their issues are down to psychological problems from the past or they're just them falling out of love with you. Is she acting like a good partner right now? No. She didn't come to you to try fix and work on things, she left. You deserve better. And I know she's pregnant but this doesn't sound like some little spat, it sounds like she's left you dude.
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Faye, what you say has been on my mind, too. I'm jumping all over the place trying to rationalize. I only say that she seemed off because a few days earlier, we were looking at a bigger apartment for when the baby arrives. She was telling me that when I buy her engagement ring that her daughter wants to come help me pick it out. I mean, this literally was out of nowhere. There were no signs of it at all, except for her past which seemed to not be a problem anymore because of how we were planning the future finally. It's just hard to digest this... Maybe I'm being ignorant about it but I will never have closure if this is how it ends. It doesn't make sense to me at all.
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This might well be the cheesiest thing I've ever said but in the end, you don't get closure from someone else. I never actually really found out why my ex left me so quickly, because I went into self preservation, shut him out completely and moved on. It hurt like hell for a long time, until one day I realised 'he didn't wanna be with me anymore, the reason is unimportant. So he did us both a favour as I'd never want to be with someone who was with me out of pity, and we're both free to meet someone who's right for us'. One day you'll look back and have your closure, but it'll probably come from within. You can't see that now obviously because you're in the middle of the storm and nobody can see clearly then. Sometimes there just isn't a clear obvious reason. Sometimes the other person doesn't even know why themselves! They just know they don't feel it anymore, and leave. Maybe they don't think that's a good enough reason so they don't admit it. They just leave and try blame it all on the other person cos that feels like a more acceptable reason, well of course I'd leave if you did this this and this to me.
Sad thing is there aren't always warning signs. It's awful. It really is one of the most painful things you can go through, being left out of the blue when you're so happy with somebody. It was harder than a bereavement for me to come to terms with. I never thought I'd be okay again, but I am. You will be too.
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I hope so. Being an extreme empath, my emotions are in such a mess right now that I don't even know how to describe them to you. I just feel like my future was taken away from me. I have two kids with two different women, neither of whom want me anymore. I feel like if she had done this last year then I wouldn't have been so emotionally engrossed in everything. When she started telling me things about us being twin flames and soul mates, I feel like she was already laying a foundation for something. It's just unreal sometimes when I sit here and think last week at this time, I was looking at engagement rings and apartments for our family and today I cry because of how much I put into this only to have it disappear.
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Thanks for the input, Chad. I know she has fears of being dumped again and her defense mechanism is to just walk out before it happens to her. She went through a lot in her past and I put so much into assuring her that I am not like the other guys. I guess that sometimes her anxiety takes over and she panics and makes hasty decisions. I just wish it was easier for her to see that my intentions are completely genuine and that no matter what, I am here for her. I would think everything I have gone through to get to this point with her would be evidence enough, but I guess she can't help how she feels sometimes.
I think I can say this because I don't know you from a row of assholes, so all I have to go on is what you write here, but if you asked me (and I know you didn't), don't waste any time in convincing her you are "not like other guys", but spend time convincing her you are YOU. I'm sorry if I keep picking at nits and scabs here, but YOU LEFT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE WITH HER. She's not an idiot, she was there. She knows this. YOU are the leaver she's worried about, not "other guys". Again, I haven't met either of you, but the posts here don't scream about "daddy issues" and "other guys". She's pregnant. She has to fend for this kid. Don't try to be "better than the other guy". BE THE BEST 'YOU' YOU CAN BE. Be someone who is not going to give one shit whatsoever about whether his family approves of him going back, or his friends are cool with her. Worry about her and that kid. Period. Full stop.
Buried in all of this is, perhaps try to start looking at this less as "all this stuff being done to me" and start to take control and ownership of the things that happen in your life. Personally, I don't believe that things just happen "out of the blue" in a relationship, except in the most rare of cases. Sure, you might not have seen it coming in that moment, but if I look back on my relationships that failed, even the ones that seemed to be going good, it didn't take a lot of self-reflection to see that there were two parties in that, and I could have done more. Let her blame you in letters; does it really matter? Does it change anything? If you really are committed to her, and are in it for the long haul, then show her that. I think the only thing you should be worrying about now is "Am I really in this for the long haul?" Everything else is noise and psychobabble.
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Sadler, maybe John can give you the story on why he left his other marriage. It's not my place but you would have a better understanding.
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This might well be the cheesiest thing I've ever said but in the end, you don't get closure from someone else.
Not cheesy at all. It's actually quite brilliant.
They just leave and try blame it all on the other person cos that feels like a more acceptable reason, well of course I'd leave if you did this this and this to me.
Emotional vomiting, that's what these situations are. People who are emotionally "sick" vomit all those emotions all over another person, and then start to feel better. Only problem is that the other person is covered in vomit.
I agree with one point that Sadler makes, and don't mean to be harsh - but your first marriage did end (albeit in a very complicated manner). None-the-less, it happened... so your current gf (with all of her experiences of men abandoning her) will equate it this way... her experiences + your previous marriage = no future.
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I understand where you guys are coming from. It's just that I'm not in the right mind to think clearly right now. I am sure she is concerned of me leaving since I did leave my wife. I'm sure she has concerns about our future and if I can be relied on. So I have been nothing but myself to her. I haven't just said I'm not like other guys, I have proven it many times over that no matter what, I won't turn my back on her. What I've done for this girl goes beyond what I ever did for my wife. The problem still lies inside of her. It's still a fear of hers that I'll just pick up and leave.
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The problem still lies inside of her. It's still a fear of hers that I'll just pick up and leave.
Exactly.
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Sadler, maybe John can give you the story on why he left his other marriage. It's not my place but you would have a better understanding.
I understand there is more to the story. My point is, it doesn't matter if there is more to the story, this is HER point of view, not his. He could have every rationalization in the world. Her point of view: "I'm pregnant, I don't want to be stuck alone with this child."
I'm not saying I'm 100% factually on the mark, I'm saying that it might help to take a strategic view (big picture) not a tactical (individual data pieces) view. To me, the "blame letter" is almost irrelevant. You have to look at this through HER lenses - irrational though they may appear to be - to understand it fully. And if you're the type to say "that's bullshit", well, fair enough, but then don't hope to understand what's going on.
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Hey guys...sorry to keep disappearing. I've really lost the desire to do just about anything. No matter how hard I try to get up and do something, I find myself sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching the same things over and over. I've lost about 30 pounds in the last year because of the drama with my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. Not that I'm making anymore excuses for myself, but being an empath who can't control his emotions makes things so much more difficult. It's right what they say about being an empath; it can either be a gift or a curse. For me, it seems to be a curse lately. I'm drowning in this inability to hone my empathy and get it under control. I sent my ex-girlfriend another email yesterday, hoping she will at least keep me informed regarding my son. However, I also called a lawyer because if I am being denied anything regarding the information of my child, then I do have legal rights to take into consideration. I really did not want to go this way with everything but sometimes I need to put myself first, especially in regards to my child.
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Man... John... this is just shit. Sorry to hear this. Not really sure what advice or thoughts I have to offer that can help. mrs.jingle is highly attuned to others' emotions as well, so I have a bit of comprehension of what it is that you're going through - and how hard it is on you.
Hit me up over email anytime.
:brohug:
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Man... John... this is just shit. Sorry to hear this. Not really sure what advice or thoughts I have to offer that can help. mrs.jingle is highly attuned to others' emotions as well, so I have a bit of comprehension of what it is that you're going through - and how hard it is on you.
Hit me up over email anytime.
:brohug:
I appreciate the sentiments but the truth is advice is lost on me. I feel bad for people trying to talk me out of this but the problem is, excuse the phrase, beneath the surface. It's buried deep within me and if there is to be any inner peace, it needs to be resolved over time. I am not afraid to admit that I spent many times crying when I think about everything I have gone through lately. I have some hope that once the baby is here, she will reach out to me. Even worse is what my ex-wife said to me recently. She is having trouble with her boyfriend so she jokingly said to me that we should just get back together and deal with everything we have to. That same night, when her boyfriend said he was concerned about her not being fully devoted to him and mentioned me in the discussion, she said "fuck John, he's just $520 in my bank account every two weeks. You're the one I'm in love with." It brings new meaning to the phrase, adding fuel to the fire. So now I have two women who look at me as only being useful as a donor and some mentally unstable cash cow.
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Dude, this sucks and I feel bad for you. Have you gone to see a psychologist to assist with the emotions? Nothing wrong with crying either, I found myself crying a lot when I was alone after dealing with my break up last year. Just need to keep pushing along and know that things will work out in the end and you will find happiness if you keep working towards it.
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It's very rare that I have nothing to add or say in a conversation. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. I hope everything works out.
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Thanks guys. As far as a psychologist or psychiatrist, I've tried. They all want to put me on meds. Because of my recent issues with having side effects from different medications, I have become even more cautious regarding taking pills. Every one I spoke to just didn't seem to get me. I know I have a lot going on inside me but I always felt like they were giving me some generalized answer that they would use on everyone that walked into their office. First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not. Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed. Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.
I am an empath and because of that I feel things differently and more intensely than the average person. If they are going to fix me, they need to focus on that. As long as that is inside me, no pills or talking is going to do much good. I need to be taught how to hone my empathic nature. For many people, being an empath is a gift. However, there are some of us who do not know how to control it; it becomes overwhelming and eventually takes over. The problem is the better psychiatrists are private and are not usually covered by health insurance.
What I feel is that this girl and I have a deeper connection than we both are used to. She introduced me to the concept of twin flames. It really has described us perfectly. However, in a twin flame relationship there is a runner and a chaser. Obviously, she is the runner. I wouldn't believe any of this twin flame concept if I didn't feel it deep down inside. I loved my wife but it was nowhere near to the love I feel for this girl. When we are together, the connection is magical. We have differences of course but it never hindered the progress of our relationship. We're both afflicted with anxiety and she handles it by running off and disappearing. She doesn't handle stress well and would rather be alone than deal with any kind of drama. Me? I would fight until my last breath to keep us together no matter what. She has left me a few times since we first met last February but she always made her way back to me. This is a common trait in a twin flame relationship. However, my concern now is that she has completely shut off communication with me.
I have spoken with others who are also in twin flame relationships and looking for some guidance through them, some have said to reach out to her in any way I can, even if it's a letter in the mail. So I plan on sending her something today or tomorrow. I'm not going into too much detail but I was told just to let her know that I'm here for her and no matter what she will always be able to rely on me. A lot of people have said the pregnancy could really be affecting her thinking, especially since she was used to taking meds for her anxiety. I really am hoping this period of silence passes and we can go back to how we were. In my heart, I don't feel like the relationship is over. I just know it's her current way of thinking that has her scared and feeling like she is better off staying with her mother than dealing with the stresses of moving out. Especially since she has never been on her own before. She said she is happier being alone than with someone, but I think she speaks for many people who crave their alone time. That doesn't mean she can't be in a relationship with someone. She's afraid of losing her individuality and because of her past experiences, just assumes that I will try and control her in some way. That just isn't my personality though. I just want her to see me for me and realize that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her. I've told her many times that I love her for her. Even her nuances that might seem excessive to me, I have accepted. It's part of who she is and it makes me love her more.
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Just to add to my doubts of the relationship being over. She said these things to me just two days before she broke it off.
"I can't wait to be Mrs. Perri."
"My daughter wants to come with you to pick out the engagement ring."
"I can't wait until I have this baby so we can make love the way we used to. The pregnancy has made it so uncomfortable to do so."
"I am so glad you have always fought for us."
"I feel like you're the only person I can be myself around and I feel like you're my best friend."
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Well, she's clearly not a very stable person if she did a 180 that quickly, but I've probably said that before.
That aside, if really feel like your emotions are out of control, you need to be in therapy. Therapists aren't pill pushers (and can't even prescribe you meds)- go to a counselor or LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), not a psychiatrist. If you're against meds, just tell them that from the beginning and tell them what you want to work on. You are the one paying them to help you, and the reins are in your hands. Frankly, it sounds a bit like you're just in a pattern of feeling sorry for yourself at this point. I'm not trying to be mean, just straight up- we all do it. I'm a huge empath. I've been that way my entire life and although it is sometimes crippling, it doesn't have to control you. You DO have control over your emotions and how you react to your life circumstances, and to just sit there and say it's out of your hands is... well, lame. I think you'd be a great candidate for cognitive behavioral therapy.
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^ all of that.
John, I'm picturing your emotions as a wild stallion. They can be tamed and controlled, but not without professional assistance. Keep trying to find the right professional for you and your needs.
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Agreed about not seeing a psychiatrist, go for someone who just wants to talk and focus on getting you to feel better without the meds. I personally am very anti-meds, but I understand that sometimes they are necessary. But I think maybe just having someone who is neutral and can just listen to you and hopefully point out things that you dont notice or let you just open up and feel relieved can be helpful. I saw a therapist before and found just talking out loud about what was bothering me was helpful even though I dont think my therapist actually told me anything useful.
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Exactly. Sometimes you just keep talking and you realize things without the therapist saying a word, or just asking a very basic open-ended question.
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Thanks guys. As far as a psychologist or psychiatrist, I've tried. They all want to put me on meds. Because of my recent issues with having side effects from different medications, I have become even more cautious regarding taking pills. Every one I spoke to just didn't seem to get me. I know I have a lot going on inside me but I always felt like they were giving me some generalized answer that they would use on everyone that walked into their office. First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not. Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed. Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.
I am an empath and because of that I feel things differently and more intensely than the average person. If they are going to fix me, they need to focus on that. As long as that is inside me, no pills or talking is going to do much good. I need to be taught how to hone my empathic nature. For many people, being an empath is a gift. However, there are some of us who do not know how to control it; it becomes overwhelming and eventually takes over. The problem is the better psychiatrists are private and are not usually covered by health insurance.
Um. Hmmm. I should stay out of this, but since you're posting...
I know what an empath is, though I am not one, and I'm pretty sure that only covers part of your issue. You seem to have an excuse for everything. How do you expect a therapist to "get you" completely in one or two sessions? I've been going to mine for almost two years now, and we're finally getting to some point of actually making a difference. You are xx years old, and they have to absorb all your experiences, all your thoughts, all your emotions from those xx years to really "get you". Add to that that they are only going on what you say for that period, and you have to give them a shot.
As for "meds", I know better than to argue, but I also know that I have seen five therapists in my life, and only one has even mentioned meds (as a temporary solution to anxiety) and dropped the issue totally when I said I didn't feel comfortable with that. I think cram, bout to crash, and jingle have already covered this, but find someone who CAN'T prescribe meds and give that a shot. the "Psychology Today" website is a good place to start.
We have differences of course but it never hindered the progress of our relationship. We're both afflicted with anxiety and she handles it by running off and disappearing. She doesn't handle stress well and would rather be alone than deal with any kind of drama. Me? I would fight until my last breath to keep us together no matter what. She has left me a few times since we first met last February but she always made her way back to me. This is a common trait in a twin flame relationship. However, my concern now is that she has completely shut off communication with me.
Uh... that pretty much sounds like it is hindering the progress of your relationship. This is analogous to the story of the scorpion and the turtle; "take me across the river and I won't sting you". Then the scorpion stings the turtle, and the turtle says "why did you do that?" and the scorpion says, "because it is who I am."
She said she is happier being alone than with someone, but I think she speaks for many people who crave their alone time. That doesn't mean she can't be in a relationship with someone. She's afraid of losing her individuality and because of her past experiences, just assumes that I will try and control her in some way. That just isn't my personality though. I just want her to see me for me and realize that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her. I've told her many times that I love her for her. Even her nuances that might seem excessive to me, I have accepted. It's part of who she is and it makes me love her more.
Uh... bro. Your "say/do" ratio is way out of whack. You're not wanting to control her, a girl who has professed to prefer being alone, yet you know better that you "belong together" and are moving heaven and earth to "show" her there is nothing you wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her? Do you even care what she thinks? You're doing the exact opposite of what she wants; who is going to want to "love" someone that clearly isn't listening, clearly doesn't care what she thinks, and clearly isn't interested in respecting her space and distance?
No offense, but in my humble opinion, you need to back the heck off. Sorry if this is harsh, but seems pretty crystal clear to me.
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First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not. Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed. Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.
Everyone before me said some great stuff. Take my expertise as a grain of salt if you will, as someone who works with those diagnosed with; schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar I & II, IDD (new word for low IQ), major depressive disorder, anti-social personality disorder, DID, borderline personality disorder, and basically everything else you can think of from the DSM5. If you are not bipolar or schizophrenic, yes, meds will only have a certain impact. Even with those two, they are historically ineffective as a whole due to non-compliance. Medication for mental health overall cures nothing, and teaches nothing. Takes the edge off for most, or calms the hallucinations for those with a lot more.
And what I bolded is your key concern. Work on that- if you need a therapist, that's your target. But if you write them off as giving stock advice, then that is all you will ever get. Sure, a therapist or psychiatrist who is great may charge over 100$ per hour. Not many can afford that, and IMO should not be charging that to everyone- but that is a different discussion.
Generally, the more someone gives me in a session, the more they get from me. And as a result, that person will get more out of it. Otherwise, sure, I might drop stock stuff if someone is giving me superficial stuff. Therapy is not about lies, but about truth that is hard at times.
I don't really get what being an empath is either? Other than something from Star Trek, that is being extroverted. Empathy is a basic intervention actually used in therapy, reflecting others experiences and understanding them. If you are overwhelmed right now, I reckon those are your own emotions dealing with a tough situation. So an empath, if I use what I know from Star Trek, would be overwhelmed by the pain that your ex wife experiences, problems your girlfriend has, issues your neighbor has, problems your boss has and so on- being depressed solely on that. What I see and hear here is pain from your experiences. And perhaps guilt & shame from your past decisions.
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Well, it's not about extraversion necessarily. Somebody who's very empathic picks up a lot of other peoples' shit, which can be exhausting and unhealthy, as I've learned from my own experience. But it has nothing to do with whether a person can control his/her own feelings. That's a separate issue. The empathy is not the major problem in this scenario, obviously.
Anyway, I totally agree with your views on meds and therapy. Obviously one's attitude going into it is important. I think part of the reason people are so resistant to therapy is because it's easy to sit back and complain, but very difficult to actually do the work on trying to get your shit under control.
Anyway, John, I think you can find a therapist who is affordable and/or works on a sliding scale... or if your insurance will pay for that, awesome. Like I said, look for a counselor or LCSW and meds are not going to be an issue. Psychiatrists are not meant to do talk therapy. When they try, it's awkward because they're doctors :lol
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I can't speak about the specific relationship details, but my eldest daughter has been diagnosed as bipolar type II, and while she is definitely on medication for that which helps to keep her a little more centered, the best thing for her treatment right now is her counselor/therapist. That is doing wonders for her.
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I know. I need to find the right therapist for my situation. It's something I really need to do. My issue lately is that I have no desire to do anything. It's not really an excuse. It's just is how it is. I need to talk myself out of it before even taking the next step. I will sit on the couch for hours and not move. In my head I'm telling myself to get off my ass and find a therapist but the rest of me is too busy feeling sorry for myself. I get that. However, it's not just a matter of getting up and doing it. If it were that simple to me, I obviously would have done that already. There's obviously some kind of mental block that is overpowering my rationale. I don't know what kind of convincing I need to do to get me off my ass to make that phone call. I have no problem getting up for work or going to pick up my daughter to spend time with her. Those seem to be the only things I make sure I do. Everything else seems a distant second.
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I know. I need to find the right therapist for my situation. It's something I really need to do. My issue lately is that I have no desire to do anything. It's not really an excuse. It's just is how it is. I need to talk myself out of it before even taking the next step. I will sit on the couch for hours and not move. In my head I'm telling myself to get off my ass and find a therapist but the rest of me is too busy feeling sorry for myself. I get that. However, it's not just a matter of getting up and doing it. If it were that simple to me, I obviously would have done that already. There's obviously some kind of mental block that is overpowering my rationale. I don't know what kind of convincing I need to do to get me off my ass to make that phone call. I have no problem getting up for work or going to pick up my daughter to spend time with her. Those seem to be the only things I make sure I do. Everything else seems a distant second.
Depression is a bitch. I went thru that over the last year... just didn't care about anything about myself. Cared about my job because is sustained my family, cared about my kids because their my kids... but the rest? Just didn't have it in me. One thing my therapist suggest is to just FORCE yourself to do the things you don't want to, or do the opposite of what you want to do. Want to just sit on the couch? Go for a walk instead. Wanna just lie in bed all day? Take a shower. Wanna have a drink? Go work out.
It's hard dude, I get it... I was there all winter. Not sure I had one moment that snapped me out of it, but I do know exercising helped.
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I also battled depression last year, 2014 was easily the worst year in my life. Instead of saying sorry to yourself, put yourself outside your comfort zone and it'll force you to have some sort of feeling and reaction. That's what I did, started doing things I never would have done before and all of the sudden you start to feel alive again and then get back into your groove. Granted, getting out of your comfort zone is the difficult part and I am not sure how to motivate someone to do that, but your own words should be your motivation.
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I battle depression all the time. Mainly because I can live a perfectly simple life and be happy, but because of taxes, societal norms, and the ridiculous cost associated with doing anything, I'm stuck working a job that I've never once for a second enjoyed being at. Anything I enjoy doing would have me living below the poverty line.
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So how are things going?
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I've come to terms with the fact that the relationship is dead. She hasn't reached out to me. Everyone on her side has blocked me on Facebook. She even went so far as to change her number. I'm being told by many people on my side that they truly do not believe this kid is mine. I tried to go to court to file an order of paternity and I was denied because I don't know the baby's name. I really don't know what to do at this point. Nobody is responding to emails or phone calls, so beside getting information illegally I am out of options. I don't like talking about it much anymore because it makes me realize how much this girl hurt and used me, but I still have to be sure regarding this baby. I will NOT abandon my child because my ex-girlfriend is being a massive bitch. For all I know, she did pick up and leave but I have no way of knowing. Honestly, I've thought about trying to find her ex who is supposedly the father of her first child. She claims he abandoned them but after all that has happened between us, I'm starting to doubt that story. She claims he's in Florida and his name is too common to find easily, if that's even his real name. It's fucking sad when I have to take EVERYTHING she ever said to me with a grain of salt.
Sometimes such anger fills me over this that I want her to suffer for everything she did. Believe me there are people close to me who want the same. Then I have to realize that I have a 5 year old who needs me in her life so I can't go doing anything stupid to endanger that. At this moment in time, she has won. I can't allow that to be the case forever. There's no way I am giving up on this. Yes, the relationship is dead and I will never be with her again. However, she will not walk away from this situation blemish free.
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Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John. From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort. You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.
I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child. There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child. She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you. It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can. THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.
Chin up bro, we're all here for you. Drop me a note anytime.
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Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John. From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort. You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.
I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child. There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child. She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you. It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can. THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.
Chin up bro, we're all here for you. Drop me a note anytime.
Pretty much everything Chad said. Your story here is tough....but you do have that little girl to care for and be there for. She can be that source of strength and happiness you need to keep you moving that gets you through this tough season of your life. And, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. Stay focused on that little girl and (I know it's easier said than done) but try not to focus on getting even or anything like that.
Stay within yourself and means when trying to verify for certain the paternity of the baby (her actions make it seem more likely it's NOT your child) and don't risk anything that can hurt you legally. In my experience More often than not people like her do get what's coming to them and people like you get the vindication and peace they deserve.
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Oy vey, sorry to hear all that. But yeah, you do need to find out if it's your kid. If you were having unprotected sex, go ahead and assume there's a good chance it is, even if she was fucking other people. Is there anybody who is friends with her that will still talk to you?
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Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John. From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort. You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.
I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child. There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child. She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you. It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can. THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.
Chin up bro, we're all here for you. Drop me a note anytime.
Thanks Chad. The good news regarding the money is that she can't squeeze a dime out of me without proving I am the father, especially since my name isn't on the birth certificate.
Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John. From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort. You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.
I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child. There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child. She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you. It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can. THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.
Chin up bro, we're all here for you. Drop me a note anytime.
Pretty much everything Chad said. Your story here is tough....but you do have that little girl to care for and be there for. She can be that source of strength and happiness you need to keep you moving that gets you through this tough season of your life. And, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. Stay focused on that little girl and (I know it's easier said than done) but try not to focus on getting even or anything like that.
Stay within yourself and means when trying to verify for certain the paternity of the baby (her actions make it seem more likely it's NOT your child) and don't risk anything that can hurt you legally. In my experience More often than not people like her do get what's coming to them and people like you get the vindication and peace they deserve.
It's a natural human instinct to seek revenge but I do need to be smart about it. At least for now. In case this baby is mine, doing something stupid to her could ruin the chances of seeing either of my children. So, I'll behave.
Oy vey, sorry to hear all that. But yeah, you do need to find out if it's your kid. If you were having unprotected sex, go ahead and assume there's a good chance it is, even if she was fucking other people. Is there anybody who is friends with her that will still talk to you?
Some of my friends said I should just call her mother and tell her the truth about everything. For all I know, Natalie told her mother that I just picked up and left. Her cousin was friends with me but then unfriended me a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't blocked me so I'm wondering if I should say something. I would really be using her just to find out the baby's name. Ugh, I am dreading one thing. She was threatening to name the baby after her ex-boyfriend. I swear if she named MY kid after her ex, it's not going to sit well with me OR the people in my camp. I fear for her if she actually did that and it won't be me she has to fear. I can't protect her anymore by making excuses for why people should leave her alone. They all gave her a chance because of me, but obviously that's not going to happen anymore
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In all honesty, anything retaliatory usually just makes a painful memory worse long term. Sounds like the only conversation worth having with her (or her intermediaries) is "I just want to verify I am the father so I can continue what I've been planning for months; to be a good father." Or something like that. I wouldn't take it from the "I doubt I'm even the father" angle. I also would be shy of "I'm positive I'm the father", because the only way you can be positive at this point is with the test. If she talks about *us*, I'd just put it on her with "You made it clear *we* are in the past and I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me, so there is no *us*."
Mostly, I'm just glad to hear you are *keepin' on*. It may not be the best of time, but at least it didn't break you.
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True that. If her mother will talk to you, that might be a good route. I mean, I think most people would be sympathetic to your story if they knew it.
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In all honesty, anything retaliatory usually just makes a painful memory worse long term. Sounds like the only conversation worth having with her (or her intermediaries) is "I just want to verify I am the father so I can continue what I've been planning for months; to be a good father." Or something like that. I wouldn't take it from the "I doubt I'm even the father" angle. I also would be shy of "I'm positive I'm the father", because the only way you can be positive at this point is with the test. If she talks about *us*, I'd just put it on her with "You made it clear *we* are in the past and I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me, so there is no *us*."
Mostly, I'm just glad to hear you are *keepin' on*. It may not be the best of time, but at least it didn't break you.
Thanks. It took a while to break out of it but time does heal most wounds. Part of it still stings from time to time. For example, on Saturday my ex-wife found Natalie's new Facebook page. I can't view it because I'm blocked still but that moment put me in a sour mood for a little while.
True that. If her mother will talk to you, that might be a good route. I mean, I think most people would be sympathetic to your story if they knew it.
I should try and just give it a chance. What's the worst that could happen?
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Honestly, after reading through this whole thread it sounds like you got lucky. It may suck balls now but I think a few years down the road you're going to look back on all of this and realize what a crazy and conniving woman she was. There are other fish in the sea.
As for the contacting of the mother, I wouldn't. Nothing good will come from it. Trust me. She either has her family totally convinced of her story and of who the person she pretends to be or they know she is crazy but choose to ignore it. The best thing you can do is just forget her. Stop checking facebook. Stop thinking about trying to right her wrongs. Leave her and this situation in your past. Learn from it, but don't let it dictate your life. I'm sure it seems hard now but it will get easier.
As far as the kid goes, you need to do some soul searching on that. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes but if you choose to pursue the paternity test make sure it's for the kid and to not try to get back together with her. Is there a doubt in your mind that it isn't yours?
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The only thing that would make me contact anyone on her side would be to find out whatever information I can about the baby. Yes, I have doubts that the baby is mine. I never did until all of this transpired and I saw her for who she really was. She took advantage of me because I was down in the dumps because of my failed marriage, so she knew exactly what to say to rope me in. I'm a romantic so she played her part perfectly to convince me that she was my savior and nothing like my ex-wife. If she was even a halfway decent person, she would have reached out to me regarding the baby. She has blocked me, changed her number, and made it quite clear the type of person she is.
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So sorry man. I got to say though, do not retaliate. It will not help anything and at the end of the day, it will not make you feel better. You say she is a terrible person, well do not go down to her level.
As for the baby, of it is not yours a whole lot to your story makes more sense as to why she is acting the way she was. Just so unfortunate that you can't get a paternity test. Feels very unfair to me. How could someone be that cruel to let someone walk the earth not knowing?! How could she not want to know?!
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As for the baby, of it is not yours a whole lot to your story makes more sense as to why she is acting the way she was. Just so unfortunate that you can't get a paternity test. Feels very unfair to me. How could someone be that cruel to let someone walk the earth not knowing?! How could she not want to know?!
Uh, because she DOES know?
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As for the baby, of it is not yours a whole lot to your story makes more sense as to why she is acting the way she was. Just so unfortunate that you can't get a paternity test. Feels very unfair to me. How could someone be that cruel to let someone walk the earth not knowing?! How could she not want to know?!
Uh, because she DOES know?
But there's really no way to know if you're fucking more than one person. Unless there's a HUGE gap between partners, but sounds like that's not the case here if she were going behind his back while they were together.
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The truth is that nothing would surprise me anymore. There is a strong chance that she went behind my back judging by her past actions. My ex-wife says the due date given by the doctor doesn't match the date Natalie and I conceived. It's not off by a couple of days either. We're talking over a week. So I'm not sure if that should be a red flag or just an abnormality in the doctor's date. When I confronted her about it she took it calmly. Wouldn't she be really angry if I was accusing her of screwing someone else but it wasn't true?
I'm trying really hard not to want to retaliate. This isn't some regular relationship where we didn't work out and now I have to move on. She dragged a baby into this that may or may not be mine. She has these delusions that preclude her from facing reality and she doesn't care who it hurts. If I don't do something to make her realize that she doesn't get to walk away blemish free, then someone else in my camp will. She is beyond hated by people close to me.
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Someone with more legal knowledge can give better advice than me on this, but if I were you, I would document every time you try to reach or whatnot. What if she comes back in three years, says you are the father, demands a paternity test, and then three years of back pay in child support? You want to be able to tell the court that you did everything possible to find out if the child was yours. I know it's tough to think this way when the pain is still so present and so recent, but you have to protect yourself.
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That's a really good point. She's obviously not stable so I would not put that kind of shit past her.
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I don't either Jackie. It's so surreal sometimes, especially when I think that just four months ago we were spending a week in Florida together. Undoubtedly it was the best week we ever had.
Kev, the couple of times I emailed her or her friends, I have them saved.
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Good. Oy.
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Paternity Suit (https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Paternity+Suit)