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General => Archive => Political and Religious => Topic started by: 73109 on September 01, 2011, 01:47:10 PM
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This is taking a shot at liberal America. (Something I am happily a part of, by the way) However, this still made me laugh.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
9. We'll keep the Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
aPlease pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S.: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.
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*Some vague argument about how all those liberal elements of society make wealth and individual liberty possible.
By the way, that rant sounded like a simplified, more redneck inspired version of Atlas Shrugged.
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The conservatives will come running back as soon as they realize the only thing on TV are re-runs of ABC Family sitcoms.
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Yeah, I think I'd actually like that arrangement.
Other things that we'd get to keep: Porn. College educations. Due process. Freedom of speech. Decent music.
And the best part of all is that despite their efforts to become a police state, which side do you think terrorists will want to crash planes into? We'll get a free society, and live next door to the al Qada lightning rod. Win/win.
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Yeah, I think I'd actually like that arrangement.
Other things that we'd get to keep: Porn. College educations. Due process. Freedom of speech. Decent music.
And the best part of all is that despite their efforts to become a police state, which side do you think terrorists will want to crash planes into? We'll get a free society, and live next door to the al Qada lightning rod. Win/win.
Damn it. Didn't think about that. I guess I'd have to move out to an oil rig (https://seasteading.org/) somewhere in the Pacific.
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So does that mean conservatives get the two + wars? And if so, how do they plan on paying for them?
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So does that mean conservatives get the two + wars? And if so, how do they plan on paying for them?
Don't ask valid questions of a chain email. It just causes pain.
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So does that mean conservatives get the two + wars? And if so, how do they plan on paying for them?
Well duh, the conservative state is going to end up borrowing a shit-load of money from the prosperous, freedom-loving nanny-state next door.
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Actually, I'd bet on them invading us. Ten or twelve years of blaming us for all of their ills to fan the populist fires, and then an invasion to spread their brand of democracy to us whether we want it or not. Our tyrannical president will be a menace to their interests.
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I dunno which side I'd like to be a part of. They both sound like they suck a bunch of dicks
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That's because they are. Extremists always are.
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I found this insanely entertaining :lol
The land mass that's gonna be the conservative country sound crazy dangerous, I think they might invade Poland.
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But like all divorces, the mopther will have to come over and make sure their child doesn't start doing anything stupid, so dont worry, us Brits will sort you out.
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I am 100% in favor of breaking up the US into between 2 and 50 separate countries.
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I am 100% in favor of breaking up the US into between 2 and 50 separate countries.
I'm not. My state's horrendous with making any sort of adequate budget, and is in more debt than anyone else. Worse than NY and MA.
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I am 100% in favor of breaking up the US into between 2 and 50 separate countries.
I'm not. My state's horrendous with making any sort of adequate budget, and is in more debt than anyone else. Worse than NY and MA.
States can team up.
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I am 100% in favor of breaking up the US into between 2 and 50 separate countries.
I'm not. My state's horrendous with making any sort of adequate budget, and is in more debt than anyone else. Worse than NY and MA.
But you have all the liberals. PA needs one of them with our fuckjob of a governor.
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Dude, you can have all the liberals you want, numbers. I can do without them. At least without the hardcore ones.
However, if states are allowed to team up, I still want nothing to do with Arizona.
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I am 100% in favor of breaking up the US into between 2 and 50 separate countries.
I'm not. My state's horrendous with making any sort of adequate budget, and is in more debt than anyone else. Worse than NY and MA.
But you have all the liberals. PA needs one of them with our fuckjob of a governor.
Trade ya. We've got the derp master deluxe a.k.a. John Kasich.
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But like all divorces, the mopther will have to come over and make sure their child doesn't start doing anything stupid, so dont worry, us Brits will sort you out.
If the American Revolution and the ensuing two-plus centuries of Britain never doing anything substantial to quell the questionable/idiotic things we've done as a country are any indication then I don't quite see that happening. I'm no nationalist, just well aware of the fact that if our country wants to do something unfavorable (by the international community's opinion) that we generally do it any way. W's time in office was a pretty good example of how often it occurs and in his years it definitely didn't help the USA's cause as far as foreign relations go.
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Dude, you can have all the liberals you want, numbers. I can do without them. At least without the hardcore ones.
However, if states are allowed to team up, I still want nothing to do with Arizona.
I love me some hardcore liberals.
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Dude, you can have all the liberals you want, numbers. I can do without them. At least without the hardcore ones.
However, if states are allowed to team up, I still want nothing to do with Arizona.
I love me some hardcore liberals.
You make them sound like chicken wings.
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Dude, you can have all the liberals you want, numbers. I can do without them. At least without the hardcore ones.
However, if states are allowed to team up, I still want nothing to do with Arizona.
I love me some hardcore liberals.
You make them sound like chicken wings.
mmmmmmmmm....buffalo left wings :drool:
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Dude, you can have all the liberals you want, numbers. I can do without them. At least without the hardcore ones.
However, if states are allowed to team up, I still want nothing to do with Arizona.
I love me some hardcore liberals.
You make them sound like chicken wings.
mmmmmmmmm....buffalo left wings :drool:
They taste great if you prepare them with the right sauce.
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Seriously, I love insanely insane liberals. They are so awesome.
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Elaborate with some examples of your idea of insanely insane liberals.
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1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
Yeah, ok, I'm down with this.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
Alright
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Fine. They're annoying, but tolerable.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
Hey, if you want to set a record for country with the highest rate of gun-related crimes and police brutality, be my guest. As for the cops and the military, pray tell, how do you intend to pay for that without a reasonable tax rate (yeah, didn't think that one through, did ya?)
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
Fine. Enjoy a dwindling resource, economic slavery to the oil-rich middle east and outrageous gasoline prices while we pioneer a cleaner alternative without your precious oil industrialists throwing up hyperbolic, short-sighted roadblocks.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
Not really a fan, but ok. If that's the case, can you guys take Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson and Darth Vad- er, I mean Dick Cheny? You should have fun with those sane, easy going guys, right?
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
Any money your citizens will save on taxes will be milked out of them by those heartless bastards, so go right ahead and see how that works out for you.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
Hey, maybe with the guys you mentioned in number 7 gone, these downtrodden souls will actually be able to make something of their futures after all. Lets do it!
9. We'll keep the Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
The cream of the crop, I'm sure. You can have 'em.
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
Seinfeld re-runs have taught me way more about life, anyways :P
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
With you guys gone, I cannot imagine any issue Iran and Palestine would have with us. As for "invading and hammering", good luck doing that with half the resources and no taxes to pay for the war.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
Not really sure we will even have any "peace-niks and war protesters" with you and your ilk out of our hair. And who would want to be allies with a state like yours, anyways?
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Yeah, you go have fun with that.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
Don't have a problem with the Muslims in my neighborhood, scientologists really don't bother anyone, and humanism can be annoying sometimes, but it's still a noble idea, and we need that sort of social conscience. PC is obnoxious, I'll give you that, but Shirley, really? Can't see whats so wrong with her. As for the UN, you can enjoy being the social pariah of the international community.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
Yeah, just use up all that oil a little bit faster so your whole economy and transportation industry crashes and burns sooner rather then later.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
Because countries with affordable heathcare have such a shortage of doctors, right?
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
Pay to live, huh? Well, when the bottom 99% of your population is sick and dying because they can't even afford basic treatments, don't come begging to us.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
Meh, whatever.
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
How about we get to make ours "Rock and Roll All Nite ( And Party Every Day!)" since we will still have the greater portion of the entertainment industry?
20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Yeah, 'cause Reaganomics had absolutely nothing to do with the sorry state our economy is in now, right?
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Sweet!
We are now the United States of Awesome Bad-Asses (USABA)
Here's our flag:
(https://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Strongbadia-Flag-homestar-runner-53276_274_216.gif)
And we don't need any historical baggage because our primary concern will be actually living like it's the 21st century, and not the early 19th
You know what, I think this is going to be a beautiful arrangement.
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Seriously, I love insanely insane liberals. They are so awesome.
Like, drug shootin', herb eatin', weed smokin', good for nothing hippies. Those kinds.
Like, dowhateveryoufuckingwant liberal. Granted, many people are like that.
No guns
No war
Legalize drugs and abortion
Free speech
Letting people curse on TV
Legalizing prostitution
All that shit
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Um, Dark Master, I agree with some of your points, but you can't just pin the completely blame on the rich and conservatives for poor and lazy wastes of flesh. I'm not saying that it's all their fault, and will concur that the rich don't exactly hand them a free ride, but individuals should be held accountable for their own actions, and those people soukd be held accountable for their decisions not to get a higher education. That's just my say, of course; I hope I haven't rubbed you the wrong way, but that's simply a point I feel very strongly about.
And numbers, though I am a conservative of sorts and don't necissarily see eye to eye with libs on many things, I'm all for unrestricted free speech and legalizing all forms of drugs. The former because it's a fucking constitutional right and the latter because it happens regardless of legality and if it was legal, there'd be a lot less organized crime, in the Case of the drugs, and a lot fewer worthless and unwanted human beings, in the Case of abortion.
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Oh my god! A conservative in Cali. I didn't think they had those.
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Clearly, you've never been to Orange County; it's a fucking WASP nest!
(I, myself am a rather moderate conservative, as I do agree with some issues, mainly social, with Libs, in addition to cutting military spending, and generally being against the idea of a Christian US; the US has no religion, though its people can believe in anything, that being their right.)
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Yay for sanity!!!!
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Um, Dark Master, I agree with some of your points, but you can't just pin the completely blame on the rich and conservatives for poor and lazy wastes of flesh. I'm not saying that it's all their fault, and will concur that the rich don't exactly hand them a free ride, but individuals should be held accountable for their own actions, and those people soukd be held accountable for their decisions not to get a higher education. That's just my say, of course; I hope I haven't rubbed you the wrong way, but that's simply a point I feel very strongly about.
Oh, I know, but trust me, there are a lot of talented people out there on the lower rungs of society just because the fat cats in charge don't want to share any of their pie, even with people who deserve it. As a result, we all suffer. Granted, there are a good deal of lazy wastes of space, but that is true in any society, and it would still be true in this ultra-neo-con utopia this dude was talking about, despite his beliefs to the contrary. (Oooooh, wait, do you think I should have used the word "utopia" when refering to his fantasy state? That might be a bit too communist, nay?)
And while I mean everything in my post, I said this all with a healthy dose of humor and sarcasm, because this guy's plan was so ludicrous, I could not help but poke a little fun at it. :D
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Not to mention legalizing gay marriage, taxing the shit out of the rich, getting rid of the death penalty and legalizing flag burning. (I mean seriously, it's a piece of fucking cloth.)
edit: Oh yeah, and getting rid of the Patriot Act
I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
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Trust me, DM, I agree with you on a lot more of those points than that author guy; he's an extremist. You seem to be a moderate and reasonable person, from your views exPressed. It was mainly that one point that I really disagreed on, though I wAs making a rather sweeping generalization. I really dislike extremists on either side, and hence often find it difficult to take the fed. Gov. Seriously. :lol
Numbers, I'm all for gays marrying, cool with The super rich getting taxed, provided that all citizens pay their taxes. Obviosly, the poor would have a lower individual tax rate, but I still feel that all people should be taxed, though according to how much they can pay. Death penalty, I can go either way. Flag burning is a form of expression and should be protected by The 1st amendment, and the Patriot Act is a fucking disgrace and shows that the terrorists were successful at their job that day.
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I'd be all for splitting up, quite honestly. But I don't think it would be along equal land lines. If the states got to choose which country the wanted to be in, the "liberal" north would probably consist of less than half of the land, but more than half of the population and industry. The conservative south would get lots of land, but less population.
The dumbest one on there is that the conservatives want to take Battle Hymn of the Republic. Whoever wrote this must not have thought about the fact that the conservative country would likely be nearly all southern countries and Battle Hymn was a song sung by the north during the civil war. I dont think the good old boys in the south really want that song.
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healthcare is not a human right, but i'll be goddamned if guns are not
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Oh you. :heart
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6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
Not really a fan, but ok. If that's the case, can you guys take . . . Darth Vad- er
HEY NOW! >:(
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6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
Not really a fan, but ok. If that's the case, can you guys take . . . Darth Vad- er
HEY NOW! >:(
Come now. You're tailor-made for that side of the country. There's no way you'd even consider living on our hell-bound side, full of ACLU lawyers and every type of sex toy ever imagined. :lol
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Of course. I was merely objecting to the fact that he appeared to be making disparaging comments about Darth Vader. :bosky:
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Of course. I was merely objecting to the fact that he appeared to be making disparaging comments about Darth Vader. :bosky:
You have an emoticon for every situation.
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I'm not sure what you mean by that, but ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
:cornholio:
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I'm not sure what you mean by that, but ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
:cornholio:
:lol Never knew we had a Cornholio emoticon!
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:cornholio:
:rollin
Ok, Bosk, for that, I guess you can stay on the USABA side of this theoretical split!
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Do the anarchists get a portion of the split?
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I suppose so, but you'll have no actual ownership of the land you settle upon, and, due to having no state, you're subject to any sort of declaration of war from your conservative pals.
Enjoy yourselves! :tup
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We fucking will, well to start off with will have an extremely libertarion government in which we make sure everyone is given a stick, a knife, and 2 pounds of food. Then the government will immediately dissolve and people will fend for themselves.
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We fucking will, well to start off with will have an extremely libertarion government in which we make sure everyone is given a stick, a knife, and 2 pounds of food. Then the government will immediately dissolve and people will fend for themselves.
Who's we? Anarchists? You guys can't have any government.
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Good luck forming a capitalist service-based economy without any form of currency, anarchists.
Plus, you know, if that land you're living upon is on my conservative side and has an oil reserve or five, it looks like you may want to be relocating.
Assuming your population hasn't already killed itself or starved to death as a result of a total lack of large-scale agriculture. :lol
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O.k. fine, we'll be libertarions whose only priorities are to give everyone a stick, a knife, and 2 pounds of foods
After that our priorities are done.
Edit:
Fuck it, it will be anarchy and everyone can find sticks, knives, and 2 pounds of food themselves.
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
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Depends, do you like corporate stuff, or home brewed?
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Also if you aren't 21 or over the liberal side might be more to your liking.
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
That was one I had meant to add to my list of additions. We get the craft beers and they can have their fucking Budweiser.
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
That was one I had meant to add to my list of additions. We get the craft beers and they can have their fucking Budweiser.
:lol
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
That was one I had meant to add to my list of additions. We get the craft beers and they can have their fucking Budweiser.
Huh... I think conservatives up here in Montana might just turn themselves into liberals for this reason then.
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
That was one I had meant to add to my list of additions. We get the craft beers and they can have their fucking Budweiser.
Huh... I think conservatives up here in Montana might just turn themselves into liberals for this reason then.
Wow, really? There's such a bright line dividing the ideologies at the beer aisle down here I have a hard time even picturing that it could be different elsewhere.
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Now we all know that conservative rednecks and liberal burnouts all like to get their drink on, so which side will have more beer? That will help me make my decision...
That was one I had meant to add to my list of additions. We get the craft beers and they can have their fucking Budweiser.
Huh... I think conservatives up here in Montana might just turn themselves into liberals for this reason then.
Wow, really? There's such a bright line dividing the ideologies at the beer aisle down here I have a hard time even picturing that it could be different elsewhere.
Oh, they'll drink whatever they can get their hands on I suppose... but there's a brewery here for like every 20,000 people.