I think the last thread like this is 3 years old, so I figured we could start anew. Post and share, only if you want to and are comfortable, of course, and perhaps get some feedback, help, advice, or simply commiseration. I've always felt that no one should ever have to suffer and struggle alone, so maybe a gathering of friends and similarly affected people might give some of us some solace.
No attacks, no judgments, and please keep all of it here unless the conversation moves to a private one. This should be a thread of reassurance and help, not violation. This isn't pro-meds/anti-therapy or anti-meds/pro-therapy. It's just a means of additional support, if desired.
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I suffer from major depression and severe anxiety. The older I have gotten, the more debilitating my anxiety has become, and it is actually at the forefront of my concerns right now. I'm not sure if it's just the way life gets more intense and meaningful as you get older or if I am somehow becoming less capable of coping as I get older. I am thinking I need to find someone to talk to about it, but for some reason I have this block against doing anything about it. I don't feel like it would be a bad thing at all, I guess I'm just nervous about what it would entail.
I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.
I think I shared in the last one I got to the point where I would intentionally ramp myself up to have an attack because I 'liked' the feeling that I got right as one hit. It was almost like a high. Ultimately a simple comment from my younger brother one day seemingly ended my attacks. I had went on a Conspiracy Theory tirade about some BS and at the end of it all he said..."If that's the case, then what can YOU really do about it?"
I know each persons anxiety is tied to something different but I do hope that you can find an escape....I know how brutal it is.
I'm completely fucked in the head. I've got pretty solid depression and anxiety on an almost daily basis, and my brain goes to a lot of dark places if I'm not constantly aware of where it's going. I cope with it alright, but my job doesn't help any, and now being a real "adult", owning a house and stuff, exacerbates all of it.
This will sound bitchy and immature I'm sure, but I think a lot of it stems from the realization that this is it. I spent my whole life preparing to be a worker ant for society. Sure there are perks to my salary and there are plenty of good moments, but my life, at least as it stands now, is really nothing more than a constant onslaught of deadlines and homework in order to not starve to death and survive capitalism. I spend an awful lot of time doing stuff I really dislike and am made miserable by for a couple hours of entertainment on the weekends.
Then there's the guilt that comes along with it. I get paid a stupid amount for what I actually do on a daily basis. There are people that would kill for my job and they'd do it for a third of my salary without blinking an eye. Then there are people in shitholes around this planet that make mud bricks for 18 hours a day in 100 degree heat for about $3.00 a week. I should have literally zero reason to be unhappy with my current life situation, but at the end of the day, the darkness is still there.
I've always struggled with the whole "someone else has it worse/you could have it worse/hey at least you aren't..." mentality. I constantly try to tell myself that the struggles I go through could be worse so stop treating them like they are Earth-shattering, but that never works. Likewise, if someone says it to me, I want to punch them because how dare they pass judgment on what I'm feeling. How could they possibly understand. I am also of the belief that each person's struggle is his or her own, and its severity relative to others' is irrelevant; to that person, it is life.
My emotional and physical responses to stress are whacked and I hate it, but I honestly do not know what to do about them, which is why I am thinking I need to talk to someone. I am on medication that does do an amazing job, especially for my depression, but I am never truly free of any of it, and as I said, as adult life continues and responsibilities mount, my anxiety intensifies and kind of becomes a bedfellow of my depression.
One of the most conflicting feelings I've ever experienced is trying to fight through a crippling anxiety attack where I am literally shaking and feel like my heart is about to explode out of my chest, feeling like I need to jump up and work like a madman to get rid of it all, but being simultaneously paralyzed in my bed, not wanting to move, only wanting to sleep, to escape consciousness because I can't fathom the concept of opening my eyes and facing reality.
*long, deep sigh*
I sigh a lot.
Quote from: gmillerdrake on July 26, 2016, 07:17:08 AM
I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.
:lol I was going to write that my cannabis use is probably one of the only things that helps me keep it in check, and it's sometimes the only thing that will help me fall asleep that isn't created in a laboratory and/or prescribed.
Quote from: Chino on July 26, 2016, 07:33:08 AM
Quote from: gmillerdrake on July 26, 2016, 07:17:08 AM
I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.
:lol I was going to write that my cannabis use is probably one of the only things that helps me keep it in check, and it's sometimes the only thing that will help me fall asleep that isn't created in a laboratory and/or prescribed.
It's odd because I now know that the Pot and Alcohol I was self administering was really just me dulling the pain and keeping the emotion of being sexually abused as a kid buried. I 'enjoyed' my time as a total stoner....but like I said....between the mental anguish I was struggling with coming to the realization that the muddy memories I had of being abused were actually real combined with the retarded Conspiracy crap I was filling my mind with.....the Pot use just eventually got to the point of being more fuel to the anxiety than helping.
The last time I smoked weed was Nine years ago (I remember because my oldest son was 1) and it had been probably a year or so since I had even smoked it then. I was on a Turkey hunting trip and I smoked a big ol joint with a buddy then went and sat in a Turkey stand in the middle of the woods and began to mind fuck myself for about four hours. "You're a horrible Dad....look at you you stoner"...."What kind of Husband and Father are you doing this"......just a total mind job.
Keep in mind this is during the end days of my struggles with alcohol and trying to fight the reality that I was an alcoholic....so I was just tormenting myself. Anyway, it wasn't a fun experience at all and I realized that those days were behind me.
Hi. i'm Kotowboy...
:( i'll just sit in the corner.
:emo: don't mind me.
Let's see, I have:
1. Pretty solid OCD. I like to stay organized and regimented. Double checking things are turned off, if doors are locked. Stuff like that.
2. Occasional social anxiety, where I just do not want to be around people or crowded together with people. Sometimes I would call it social frustration, like please just get away from me. I go to school in the city and all I want to do is get out, but luckily school is almost done.
3. Real bad neglect/trust issues. I used to be scared by being loved, but now that's WAY better. I still have trouble showing love though.
4. Used to have daddy issues, but I feel a lot better about that these days. He never made a single attempt to see me from the day I was born up until today.
5. Time compulsion. Being on time is a compulsion
6. I wouldn't say that I have depression formally, but I will say that from time to time (like once a year) get pretty depressed, but have always been able to come out of it. Any summer where I am not in a relationship is a true and utter nightmare.
7. I mood swing, not to the point of bipolar. But its there
8. Short temper, but not all the time. I find that I can handle 2 shitty things going on, but once it goes 3+ all at once then that's where I start getting upset
9. Introversion- this one is a complicated. If I am around a bunch of people I am cool with, such as at work, everything is great, I am the life of the party, but if I am around people I can not relate to, I want out Immediately. I can not stand forced/fake small talk.
10. Overly assertive/quick to being aggressive as a way of defense. I was powerless in my childhood to do anything. Constant screwed up shit going on toward me, toward other people and on and on. I was trapped, so I was powerless to stand up for myself. And I mean like age 7-18. I left the day I turned 18, but the point being, now when people begin to start shit with me, 18 years of not being able to fight back comes out all at once, because now I refuse to be a victim and stand up for myself like a mad man. This is still a problem to this day.
*** One thing that I am happy to say is that I have healthy outlets for all of that. Such as I play/write music, ride motorcycles, going to the gym, go hiking in the state park that is close to my house. I am very lucky to have a damn good step dad and grandfather who I can talk to and work through things. So that is one thing I am grateful for and all those things make it much easier to deal with.
I looked up a therapist recommended by my doctor, so we'll see if I finally go for it. I'm just getting to the point where I am sick of feeling out of control of my own emotions. For some reason I have been able to deal with my depression throughout my life, even thought when I was younger it was much more severe. I made a jarring realization to myself the other day when my anxiety subsided a bit but my depression was still there: it was a relief to be depressed, because I knew that feeling well, was accustomed to it. The anxiety was wrecking me and feeling something familiar, even if it hurt, was a relief.
Quote from: Phoenix87x on July 26, 2016, 11:00:55 AM
*** One thing that I am happy to say is that I have healthy outlets for all of that. Such as I play/write music, ride motorcycles, going to the gym, go hiking in the state park that is close to my house. I am very lucky to have a damn good step dad and grandfather who I can talk to and work through things. So that is one thing I am grateful for and all those things make it much easier to deal with.
That's a great point. Within all of the issues and shortcomings I have, my family is my source of pure joy. I am lucky in that I am very close with my mom and can share anything with her. She's been a rock of support my whole life. I have the most loving, caring wife in the world and our kids bring us nothing but happiness. Our dog, as well, is a huge boon. Just this morning, while I was sitting on the sofa trying to relax before leaving for work, he climbed up next to me and laid his head on my lap. Just the warmth and weight of him on me was like a silent "I love you, I'm here, too." It helped.
I wouldn't be half as functional as I am without them all in my life, and I am eternally grateful that I am fortunate enough to call them family. And this is something I try to remind myself, within the darkest and most troubling thoughts I have, there are things for which I am thankful, and that give me joy.
Quote from: Hyperplex on July 26, 2016, 07:30:19 AM
I've always struggled with the whole "someone else has it worse/you could have it worse/hey at least you aren't..." mentality. I constantly try to tell myself that the struggles I go through could be worse so stop treating them like they are Earth-shattering, but that never works.
That's a pretty common feeling...but it's also (to be blunt) a load of shit, and you probably know that already. Just because someone out there "has it worse" doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have it better than you do...and no reasonable person would ever claim that if you have a broken arm, you shouldn't do anything about it because your neighbor has a broken leg. We all deserve to cast off our pain and heal. I firmly believe this whole "someone else has it worse" stoicism was originated with people who either didn't want to take responsibility for how their actions hurt someone else, or just thought that mental health in general was messy and inconvenient.
I'm working through my own demons at the moment, finally dealing with childhood abuse that I had never labeled as such, and its lingering effects. On vacation at the moment, but when I get back I gear up for having the "talk" with my dad, who was the distant/enabling one (my mom is the narcissist). Good times.
I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.
I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.
Quote from: Hyperplex on July 27, 2016, 06:48:37 AM
I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.
I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.
Try it and see where it goes. And as far as talking with your dad, and whether it does or doesn't accomplish anything...those conversations are not about the other person repenting, apologizing, seeing the light, etc.; they are about your own feelings, clarity and experience. Whether or not the conversation is successful is not about the response you get back, but about the process that brings you to the point of having that conversation, and how you can talk about what you experienced. That said, the conversation itself can still be important. And a previous conversation having felt futile doesn't mean anything about the next one...I had some failed/frustrating conversations before I had more clarity about what really happened and how it affected me. Odds are you won't truly get through to the other person, as they have a vested interest in not hearing what you have to say (cognitive dissonance will resolve in their favor, not yours)...hinging how you feel on their response is continuing to give the other person power to damage you (whatever their intent).
It isn't so much that he is still damaging me, he isn't. It's what occurred growing up, which is more emotional neglect than abuse. I'd rather work on myself than try to fix things with others, if that makes sense. But that concern is certainly no reason to put off finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.
Quote from: Hyperplex on July 27, 2016, 07:03:54 AM
finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.
I can tell you from personal experience that I did the same exact thing when I was struggling with the realization of the abuse I went through as a kid. I thought....like I had done my entire life.....that I could figure it out myself and I wouldn't 'bother' anyone else with it. The greatest decision I ever made was finally seeking Professional help to work through those emotions and obtain a firm understanding of it all. I know it's a tough call to make....but it is worth it.
Quote from: Hyperplex on July 27, 2016, 07:03:54 AM
It isn't so much that he is still damaging me, he isn't. It's what occurred growing up, which is more emotional neglect than abuse. I'd rather work on myself than try to fix things with others, if that makes sense. But that concern is certainly no reason to put off finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.
I can kick your ass for you :)
And just to be clear...just because may have a conversation w/ a person who damaged you doesn't mean you're trying to fix things with them. i've had a couple of conversations w/ my mom about certain aspects, and I long ago realized that it would make zero impact in my life if she were to die (estate logistics notwithstanding).
The problem I had with talking to someone was I constantly felt like a totally selfish self obsessed idiot talking about how *I* feel.
I didn't go back.
I understand that feeling. I'm much better listening to others than I am talking about myself. The thing is, therapy is almost the very definition of self-centeredness; it has to be. The focus of the treatment is you, so naturally that has to be the focus of discussion.
Checking in.... Anxiety and of course sever addiction issues. I've got some control over my addiction which has helped tremendously with the anxiety, as has a few good years working with an excellent therapist. I advise it for anyone, and be patient with yourself, it takes time man.
RJ, you've continued to be someone I highly respect not just because you're a cool person and a talented chef, but because you've overcome your own demons well enough to speak about them openly and move beyond them. I admire that.
Gonna come at this from another angle. I'm married to someone who has depression and anxiety. I love my wife and things are great the majority of the time, but there are definitely some times that are harder than need be thanks to her anxiety. And it's tough, not really knowing how to react, or what to do or say. Of course, like any other human being, I have occasional bouts of anxiety or depression, but it's nothing chronically nagging or lingering. Sometimes it causes me to be depressed, because I think I'm part of the equation that's leading her to have such a bad time.
I've shared some of this with a very small handful of people here, but I think sometimes people here have a view of me outside of this place that might not match up with reality.
When I was in grad school, I battled depression on and off. I never had mood sings or anything to classify as bi-polar, it was just sometimes I had things to take my mind off how shitty life was, and sometimes I didn't. Then in a two week span I: defended my dissertation, graduated, and had a job interview where I either knocked it so far out of the park or the other person didn't and they offered me the job the next day. This started what was probably the happiest year of my life (May 2012 - Sept 2013). I had a job I really enjoyed, I worked with a great faculty, and had some of my favorite students. What this highlighted, however, was that I probably could not make strides in non-professional areas of my life. I realized that my only hope of finding wife-grade material (for me at least) was if the school hired a single woman. It was rural, and it was making it hard to do some things I like doing. I was starting year two of a two year contract, and I was having an honest conversation with a coworker about my uncertainty of wanting to stay in the area, and it I didn't realize it at the time, but at the table behind to me was the school Provost. When I applied for the tenure-track position, I was only given an interview because it didn't cost the school anything - I was later told that the search committee was pressured to find a candidate who wasn't going to leave them doing another position search in a few years (as an aside - it generally costs even a small school upwards of $7000 just to search for a position, on top of tons of man-hours). I was kind of bummed, but I understood and I probably would have been looking for greener grass so I got their POV.
That left me looking for a job, and I landed a one-year position at a school in Florida. On paper, this was a step up in terms of academic prestige. The first two months at work were ok and the non-work issues I had in S. Carolina seemed to be resolved: I was very happy geographically with what was around both in terms of things to do and quality of the dating pool. Then, the wheels started to come off. The faculty at the school was largely unsocial and more uptight than a straight man on his first night in prison, which was completely the opposite of my first job. After making payments on my old house in Virginia I had on the market for two years, I realized I couldn't keep paying for two places, so I stopped paying the mortgage (no choice) and eventually it got foreclosed on, so my credit is ruined. Since moving is expensive, I didn't want to move, so my boss at the school got me the job I had last year - more on that later.
The first week of class after Thanksgiving, one of my students came in my office and closed the door. YOU NEVER CLOSE A PROFESSOR'S DOOR unless you are told to do so. I was trapped in my office. He proceeded to tell me that I ruined his life because he was getting a low C in organic chemistry, that he wouldn't be able to get into med school and that he was going back to his room to kill himself. He then left my office. I immediately call campus security, and they get to his room where he had a loaded gun. If he decided he was going to take me out first, I would have been dead. Guns on campus are a touchy subject for me as I was a grad student at Virginia Tech when the shootings happened there, and one of the students killed was one of my students. At this point, I'm a mess. I don't want to go to work or my office any more. The school got me woefully insufficient counseling.
The second semester I fell apart. I was barely functional some parts of my job, and I had several meetings with the dean where I got bitched at about falling behind on grading and not teaching the class the way the full time professor wanted it done, despite having proved the previous semester that my methods were as effective or possibly more effective based on the national standardized test we give for a final exam. Finishing the year there was such a relief.
So, in order to try to restock my savings, I was given a job at a private high school that my boss at the college was on the board of directors. It actually paid more than what I made at either college, and I was assured that the students were the tops in the county. While there were some really bright students (a few Ivy league students), I would say that about 2/3's of the student population were spoiled rich kids. The administration has neutered the faculty, and if you want to keep you job, you don't give C's, and you better have a damn good reason if you want to give a B. I refuse to participate in grade inflation, and was not renewed due to "student performance". In the past four years, no students had earned a 4 or 5 on the AP Chemistry exam, and only four (out of 48) got a 3 on the exam. Out of sixteen students, I had one 5, two 4's, and four 3's. The rest of the students were Chinese students who probably would have done just fine if the exam was in Chinese, but their English is so poor they really don't stand a chance. Those scores just came in, so that was after the decision was made to not renew me. The kids liked me, the faculty liked me, and most of the parents liked me - but I gave kids the poor grades they earned and the administration was just tired of them bitching. The administration is so incompetent there that they had two teachers quit mid-year, and had 12 others decide on their own not to return, including a teacher that had won "Florida Teacher of the Year" at her previous school the year before. She left to go back to public school after one year at the crazy house.
So right now, I am packing to move because my housing lease ends at the end of the month. I have had two interviews that I am waiting to hear back from, but both told me I would hear from them by July 15. I have no idea where I will be living in two weeks. This move will deplete my savings again. I'm almost 38, single, have a fuckload of debt, my career is in reverse, I am overweight with two shot knees from injuries that make even jogging semi-dangerous, and I'm smart enough to realize what a shitshow my life is and that I'm pretty much an underachieving fuck up. After having dealt with a friend's suicide when I was younger, I can't put anyone though that so don't worry about that. However, if I had terminal cancer, I don't see that as suicide, so I really wish I had an inoperable brain tumor so I had a reason to just go wild, travel the world while I still had my mental faculties, and then OD on morphine in Oregon or whatever the closest state that allows mercy killings for terminal patients is.
If you read all of that, thank you. Here is a cookie for your patience. Also - please do not say anything about this on facebook. Part of my problem is I need to keep pretty much all of my family in the dark on this.
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_cfIf12IV3g/TcDIwjbVeII/AAAAAAAAAIs/YNOaSmnEKhY/s1600/cookie.gif)
Wis I had more to say than I'm sorry, man. You're a cool dude, and for whatever it's worth from a no name on the internet, none of the situations you've had to endure label you as a fuckup to me.
No, I pretty much am; but thanks for saying otherwise.
Quote from: Hyperplex on July 27, 2016, 06:48:37 AM
I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.
I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.
I think this depends on what kind of therapy. A lot of what we normally call counselling in the UK (I don't know if the terminology is exactly the same across the pond) can feel like that, as I understand it. And I'm sure it can be hugely beneficial in some circumstances, particularly where, for example, a challenging relationship is very much a live issue.
But if your struggles come from the way you think about/react to things, which may well have been caused by relationship problems in the past but fixing the latter won't fix the former, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously), but those who tried it found it valuable in understanding why they think/react the way they do, and starting to change that.
This may well be something you've tried before, so apologies if it's not relevant. But I'd be very happy to talk about it a bit more (either here or in private).
Quote from: ariich on July 28, 2016, 06:43:22 AM
But if your struggles come from the way you think about/react to things, which may well have been caused by relationship problems in the past but fixing the latter won't fix the former, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously), but those who tried it found it valuable in understanding why they think/react the way they do, and starting to change that.
Not to make light of this thread, but if you have a dirty mind this post is a gold mine.
A little levity never hurts. :) Sometimes it's needed.
I can offer CBT if anybody is interested! :eyebrows:
But for real, Mason, that all really blows :(
And Chino, I think about that stuff too, like just being this worker bee and living for the weekend... but I also love my job, it's just draining. And I do feel kind of trapped in a certain way of life, when sometimes I just want to travel the world or be hobo or something.
Phoenix- introversion is so not a mental health issue :lol
I have my limits with people for sure, but it's just a personality/energy thing.
Anyway, my primary issue these days is anxiety. It's always there and it gets really old and really exhausting. I have the depression stuff sometimes, but that hasn't been severe since I was a teenager, thankfully.
This morning I had that feeling again where my anxiety melted away but my depression was there in force, and the hurt and lowness was almost comforting, like a return to *my* normal. Which is, quite frankly, fucking pathetic.
I've been dealing with depression just about all my adult life. I've had a big one, starting december last year when I got a new job. The new job turned out be...well, let's put it this way, my employeer had big trouble actually finding work for me, so I ended up staying at home, waiting for the phone to ring, for two months, before finally receiving some actual work. And then I was put in a work place where I didn't feel comfortable at all.
Two months ago, I found myself yet another job and finally, I'm at a working place where I really feel at home and at ease. But even so, it took these months to finally relax and starting to trust these people. Which is absurd, considering how nice they are and how much they encourage me, while still making sure I know I'm appreciated here.
And that is due to my very first work place, the place I ran away from in the first place. I worked there for seven years and was just about mentally abused there. The conditions were horrible and I was led to believe that I sucked at what I do. After seven years of that, it's stuck in my head, these feelings of never being good enough. That's why I have such a hard time trusting my current boss when he tells me I'm doing a good job.
And that's only my issues concerning work. :lol If I'm going to also tell about my fucked up family who just about hates each other and other stuff, this will go on for far to long.
So yeah, not sure what I wanted to say with this post.
Quote from: ariich on July 28, 2016, 06:43:22 AM
, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously),
Quote from: bout to crash on July 28, 2016, 07:31:24 AM
I can offer CBT if anybody is interested! :eyebrows:
As one of the other MH workers here, I use DBT, so that's related!
CBT is like the current standard. Shown to be effective with most disorders, and rather brief by comparison. That said, basically all styles have shown to be effective. More about the therapist and client dynamic.
Quote from: Kotowboy on July 27, 2016, 08:58:08 AM
The problem I had with talking to someone was I constantly felt like a totally selfish self obsessed idiot talking about how *I* feel.
I didn't go back.
It sounds that way for sure, but it's what it is for. The therapist is not getting paid to tell you how many problems they have. And if they are, that is a bad therapist IMO. :lol Often after a client just unloaded some thoughts and emotions and say it helped, I reflect on that with them and note that it's good they have an outlet for that. From my perspective, it's hard to see if venting helps.
But it at times takes trial and error with the person. And to me, like a primary care physician or whatever, some can really not be a fit with you. So much more important with a therapist as talking is the thing.
Quote from: Lynxo on July 29, 2016, 01:27:41 AM
I've been dealing with depression just about all my adult life.
And that's only my issues concerning work. :lol If I'm going to also tell about my fucked up family who just about hates each other and other stuff, this will go on for far to long.
I just said this in my one group today. If I had a magic wand, or an anti-MH pill that cured things in 30 days, I would love to do it. But most MH disorders are a chronic thing, lasting many years and potentially beyond. Sucks a lot. :angry: :-\
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc)
I know I'm not alone in this but maybe someone with more experience or a therapy background could help define it. I am reaching a point in my life where I'm getting what I would consider a mild depression from time to time or at least feelings of it. My biggest enemy is my complacency which has been programmed into my personality and I give into it more often than not. Over the last year I've been staying in a lot more than I should and I haven't really made any new friends in a long time. The friends I have that lived around me have moved out of town and we hang out when they come up and I go see them from time to time but I've pretty much lost any drive to go meet new people because it's out of my comfort zone and frankly I am allowing myself to become more and more OK with that. I get feelings of that embarrassment "crawl in a hole" (for lack of a better term) by myself a lot when I happen to think about it and my main mental reaction is "well, this is how it is". I really think it's a sign of losing some self worth which sounds a little wrong since the one thing that I really take pride in is my job which seems the opposite of some who, like Chino said, makes them feel like they're just some cog in a wheel. I know I'm damn good at what I do and I've been told just as much. Outside of that I'm just kind of withering away on the social level. I keep in touch with people and I socialize very well with the friends I have but I'm at a point where I usually have to do all of the instigating. An absolutely frivolous example but one that may speak to where I am is just yesterday one of my friends had a ton of pictures and posts from his other friends on Facebook celebrating his birthday and I just think that when I turn 30 come January I should be having big to do and congrats as well but it may just be me and maybe one or two other friends celebrating by doing something I have to plan myself (last year I went out with some friends but no one offered to pay for anything even though it was my birthday which made me feel kind of crappy but I shrugged it off).
I've often wondered too if something like a therapist would help but I'm so closed up that I would almost refuse to answer a lot of other things (not mentioned here) because I've vowed never to open up out of pure embarrassment. I know I'm too self conscious but I'm 29 now and I'm coming to the realization that it's really stunting me socially and, to me, I believe I'm almost at a point where I can't reverse how complacent I've become. To be clear I've definitely been to some dark places mentally recently but they're more out of "what if" curiosity and don't last too long and I'm generally OK with life but I just can't get out of that "this is where I'm at so just live with it and fade away at some point" mentality.
Halfway through your post I found myself thinking "sounds like you're approaching 30" :)
Anyway I don't think a good talk therapist would pry you open like that. Not like you walk in and have to immediately confess everything. I would try it, and see how you feel.
My problem is I hate talking about myself and I don't really want to take drugs.
I guess I would be open to having anti anxiety medication because I can have a panic attack over the slightest thing.
But i've heard that when you come off anti depressants - it can be worse than not taking them.
Soooo.... Hmmmm.
Quote from: Kotowboy on July 30, 2016, 10:23:02 AM
My problem is I hate talking about myself and I don't really want to take drugs.
I guess I would be open to having anti anxiety medication because I can have a panic attack over the slightest thing.
But i've heard that when you come off anti depressants - it can be worse than not taking them.
Soooo.... Hmmmm.
Here's a quick run down on med options. Anxiety and depression meds are two different classes and for anxiety you wouldn't really be messing with anti-depressants
Your typical, cornerstone anxiety meds consist of Benzo's AKA benzodiazepines. They basically chill people out and consists of meds such as Valium, Xanex, Ativan, Klonopin and so forth. They do work and do help with anxiety, but people can get addicted to them, and if someone were to get off of them, they would have to ween off. These are controlled substances.
There's two ways you can go with them. One is daily use as a maintenance med, or the 2nd option is emergency use only. For example, go about you daily life, but if you feel a panic attack about to happen, you can take one and it will prevent it or lessen its severity. That way you are not constantly using them, but at the same time, you have the peace of mind of knowing they are there if needed.
Another option exists which is hydroxyzine and I think that's a good place to start. This med is used to treat anxiety and the best part is that its not a controlled substance and its not addictive. At the end of the day, its just an anti-histamine like benadryl. It will essentially just calm you down.
I haven't been medically diagnosed with anything yet, but I definitely have depression and anxiety. I'm pretty sure I've had it for years, but it's been especially bad the past few months. It took ages to convince my family to let me see a doctor (I am in my mid teens). Can't even get counselling/therapy for another few weeks, the waiting list is ridiculous. An older sibling eventually took me to see a doctor, and only after it got really bad. The doctor didn't even help, I was just referred to get cognitive behavioural therapy which, as I've mentioned, has a long waiting list.
My friends have had to talk me out of committing suicide, on multiple occasions.
I can't enjoy anything, not even music, including Dream Theater. Including Train of thought, which is my favourite album. I can never fully relax, I'm constantly on edge. I often spend half the night stressing and crying instead of sleeping, which has made me very sleep deprived.
It's hell and I have no way of coping.
Hey Ruby....just read your post and felt compelled to let you know that life is worth it. There's a quote from Winston Churchill where he says, "If you're going through hell, keep going." I think you'd find the majority of the 'older' members here at DTF...including myself....have had some rough patches in our lives where it didn't feel like it was worth going on.
But, i can promise you that if you just "keep going" and trudge through....that the tough experiences will strengthen you so that the next time you face adversity or whatever it is you are that much more prepared and able to navigate those times with less stress and anxiety.
Not trying to downplay what you're going through now....just hoping to encourage you a bit. Is there something specific that you think could be fueling the depression you feel right now?
Thanks. There are a few things which are likely fuelling it, but I seem to feel anxious/depressed about everything.
I am home educated and never really go out and meet friends. The only friends I have are ones I met online. Talking to someone online is not the same as in person.
And I keep getting ill and throwing up. Probably because of sleep deprivation. I hate it.
And, well, the fact I can't enjoy anything doesn't help either...
My anxiety has been crippling lately. Very often it's an overarching nameless sourceless fear, though sometimes it's directly related to a stress.
It's exhausting.
Hi, just wanted to comment on this thread to share my story at the moment.
I don't suffer with any kind of depression or anxiety myself but my girlfriend and older brother both do and I struggle to try to help them.
My girlfriend's previous relationship was an abusive one and he wore her down mentally and physically. He has a lot to answer for. They have been separated for nearly two years and we've been together properly for about a year (but we met about 18 months ago). She is very down on herself, has this belief that she is fat and ugly (when the truth is she's beautiful and a perfectly 'normal' size), believes that no one actually likes here and that she will never amount to anything. Partly this comes from her ex, who made her believe a lot of this stuff. She has mentioned feeling suicidal and that she struggles to find joy in anything. It's really difficult because she's a naturally bubbly person, everyone likes her, she's life and soul of any gathering but on the inside she's very insecure. She has been attending counselling which helped but she wanted to get over the issues caused by her ex and be 'cured'. When this didn't happen she piled more pressure on herself, 'what's wrong with me, I should be over this by now' and that sort of thing. In fact it's gotten worse and she's struggling more than ever. She was on anti anxiety medication but stopped taking it earlier this year, I supported her through this as she wanted to be 'better' and not rely on medication. There's a lot going on with her and it's difficult to explain it all but I guess I'm asking what you guys generally feel is the best thing a loved one can do to help you? I'm very patient with her, explain that I love her for who she is regardless of her issues. I make it clear that I don't want to see her going through this all her life but at the same time I would love her if she did feel this way for the rest of her life. I don't think she believes me and this also feeds into the pressure she puts on herself as she thinks it will destroy our relationship, which in her head will be all her fault.
As one last thing I just want to say how I feel that modern life and technology exacerbates things like depression and anxiety. I've seen it loads and even feel it myself. In the modern world of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc, we are constantly living a life without less and less human contact and we are bombarded with images of people living life and doing all these amazing things we want to be doing. We all end up comparing ourselves to others and it ultimately can make us feel quite inadequate. My girlfriend has a love/hate relationship with things like Instagram, she gets inspired by certain things but also compares herself to a multitude of beautiful women which makes her feel fat and ugly.
One other thing about my girlfriend, she works as a senior support worker (as do I) supporting adults with learning disabilities. This can be a rewarding but VERY tiring job. She feels constantly exhausted because she works long hours and on top of that her mind is always working overtime overthinking everything about her life. We are in the process of saving to go travelling (another area she puts insane pressure on herself if she's not saving as much as she wants each month), we've both travelled before about 5 years ago. When we can both finally quit our jobs and experience life for a year or so I expect to see a massive change in her as we will escaped (for a while) the pressures of modern life and gotten away (somewhat) from technology.
Sorry for the wall of text. Opinions anyone?
I also never even got around to my older brothers issues. I'll save that for another time. Anyone who read all that, thank you.
Quote from: Ruby Inferno on August 01, 2016, 03:35:51 PM
Thanks. There are a few things which are likely fuelling it, but I seem to feel anxious/depressed about everything.
I am home educated and never really go out and meet friends. The only friends I have are ones I met online. Talking to someone online is not the same as in person.
And I keep getting ill and throwing up. Probably because of sleep deprivation. I hate it.
And, well, the fact I can't enjoy anything doesn't help either...
Certainly, risk factors here make it worse. Couple that with this time of your life being a transitory one, it can suck bad at times I am guessing. Another day gone is another day you made it through. :)
Quote from: twosuitsluke on August 02, 2016, 05:18:34 PM
My girlfriend's previous relationship was an abusive one and he wore her down mentally and physically. He has a lot to answer for. They have been separated for nearly two years and we've been together properly for about a year (but we met about 18 months ago). She is very down on herself, has this belief that she is fat and ugly (when the truth is she's beautiful and a perfectly 'normal' size), believes that no one actually likes here and that she will never amount to anything. Partly this comes from her ex, who made her believe a lot of this stuff. She has mentioned feeling suicidal and that she struggles to find joy in anything. It's really difficult because she's a naturally bubbly person, everyone likes her, she's life and soul of any gathering but on the inside she's very insecure. She has been attending counselling which helped but she wanted to get over the issues caused by her ex and be 'cured'. When this didn't happen she piled more pressure on herself, 'what's wrong with me, I should be over this by now' and that sort of thing. In fact it's gotten worse and she's struggling more than ever.
Depression and anxiety, and often I feel they are intertwined for people, can be bears. Depression feeds itself, the whole misery loves company concept. Until I started selling coping mechanisms daily in my present setting, I never fully bought into the "think positive" thing. But it is very true. At the same time, it's making it through distress for your girlfriend. Bad days, meh days, good days- they all come, and it's knowing that the storm will pass sometimes. Acknowledging the positive factors in one's life is the start, and re-build on those.
The hardest part about MH is that there is no cure, in that one takes 30 pills and the disorder goes away. That then leads to it being a daily struggle to get through symptoms at times for many disorders. My personal stuff is just that too. Somedays is autopilot, some days it's stay in bed all day if I could. I parallel addictions here, because the behaviors are not too far apart. Clearly someone addicted knows not to take stuff, much like someone who is depressed knows being lethargic won't work. But both still do it. So with your girlfriend, having stuff reinforced again is what it is about. I use this with resistant people, who say "that stuff (coping) doesn't work." Of course it doesn't with half measures. I frame it with AA/NA too, in that many people go daily for long stretches of time. They know the better way for them, but hearing it reinforces the resolve. And I'm not trying to imply your girlfriend is using half measures, just that at times we get led astray.
Quote from: twosuitsluke on August 02, 2016, 05:18:34 PM
She was on anti anxiety medication but stopped taking it earlier this year, I supported her through this as she wanted to be 'better' and not rely on medication.
Psychiatric medication IMO is only required for two and half specific spectrum of disorders, which are generally the most debilitating ones. They are a useful tool, but just take the edge off when used as prescribed. They do bring physical long term damage, as over a long period of time; Elavil causes the heart to break down, some mood stabilizers take out kidneys, and anti-psychotic medications slowly dull the brain. In your girlfriend's case, I would say down the road active therapy and usage of thecniques should be enough. But, I am not a medical doctor or advance practice nurse, so take that as you see fit. ;D
Quote from: twosuitsluke on August 02, 2016, 05:18:34 PM
There's a lot going on with her and it's difficult to explain it all but I guess I'm asking what you guys generally feel is the best thing a loved one can do to help you? I'm very patient with her, explain that I love her for who she is regardless of her issues. I make it clear that I don't want to see her going through this all her life but at the same time I would love her if she did feel this way for the rest of her life.
Keep doing what your doing. Stay away from any judgements in front of her, and of course don't say cheer up or something. ;) Encourage her to keep at it, and do things that she enjoys. Gently try to egg her on to go back to therapy.
Quote from: twosuitsluke on August 02, 2016, 05:18:34 PM
As one last thing I just want to say how I feel that modern life and technology exacerbates things like depression and anxiety. I've seen it loads and even feel it myself. In the modern world of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc, we are constantly living a life without less and less human contact and we are bombarded with images of people living life and doing all these amazing things we want to be doing. We all end up comparing ourselves to others and it ultimately can make us feel quite inadequate. My girlfriend has a love/hate relationship with things like Instagram, she gets inspired by certain things but also compares herself to a multitude of beautiful women which makes her feel fat and ugly.
One other thing about my girlfriend, she works as a senior support worker (as do I) supporting adults with learning disabilities. This can be a rewarding but VERY tiring job. She feels constantly exhausted because she works long hours and on top of that her mind is always working overtime overthinking everything about her life. We are in the process of saving to go travelling (another area she puts insane pressure on herself if she's not saving as much as she wants each month), we've both travelled before about 5 years ago. When we can both finally quit our jobs and experience life for a year or so I expect to see a massive change in her as we will escaped (for a while) the pressures of modern life and gotten away (somewhat) from technology.
Yup, technology will eventually be classified as an addiction. Virtual Reality, if it gets adopted fully by consumers, will add a whole new layer.
It seems like you guys have high burn-out type jobs. Working in the care field is basically like this across the board, so just saying this could certainly enhance her negative emotions. She has to be on top of it for her job, so then her personal life can easily crumble.
Well, I think you are mostly doing the right things with your girlfriend and it seems like you are supportive in whatever decisions she makes. What has she told you is the extent of her suicidal thoughts?
Aside from that (which would require more intervention if she were seriously considering it), there isn't a whole lot you can "do" aside from love and support her. And honestly, it's often not about saying the right thing (because there rarely IS a right thing) but just being a presence for somebody. This is something I've learned a lot about in my years of being a social worker with people at a very difficult time in their lIves (dealing with getting old/dying or losing a loved one). Really, when somebody is depressed and feeling all kinds of negative things, words probably aren't going to mean a whole lot. At least they didn't for me in my darker times. But knowing somebody is there is comforting.
I will say that although something like traveling can be temporarily great for the mood, it's not going to change her overall state of mind, especially if she's dealing with depression and trauma from past abuse. That shit does not just go away. I get the whole having a rough, exhausting job thing, very well, and sure eliminating that stressor may help for a while, but it really just makes room for other types of stressors, or helps mask things for a while.
Anyway, there's more I want to say but I'm out of time!
So, tonight I'll be taking a deep breath and a sip of scotch, as I hit "send" on an email to my dad, for the first time talking about the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother while growing up (she's a narcissist). They're still together. This will be...interesting.
:(
Quote from: millahh on August 07, 2016, 03:54:02 PM
So, tonight I'll be taking a deep breath and a sip of scotch, as I hit "send" on an email to my dad, for the first time talking about the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother while growing up (she's a narcissist). They're still together. This will be...interesting.
Hoping for the best for you......
I've come within inches of cutting my dad out of my life, and can never do it. I am not that kind of person and the man helped raise me. He didn't do a very good job of it, and unfortunately a lot of the memories I have with him aren't good ones, bit he still provided for my family and was there when I needed at times.
*sigh*
The last couple of years of my life have been nothing short of an intense roller coaster ride, and I fucking hate roller coasters with a passion. My anxiety flew off the charts, my depression was in full swing as a toxic relationship reminded me why masturbation doesn't break hearts just wrists, and I fully came in touch with being an empath. I tried medication for my anxiety but the side effects crippled me literally and sexually, so now I'm on to natural remedies which have actually helped to subside the anxiety. The depression still reveals itself and being an empath is extremely exhausting mentally. I cry at least once a day, over...nothing at all sometimes. Some days I'm so horny as fuck that I can't wait for morning to fuck the crack of dawn. Other days I feel like becoming an asexual creature. There's something about not being sexually tied to someone that gets me off harder than a Belladonna porno. Tonight is not one of those nights, though. I'm wrestling with a literary deadline so I'm neck deep in bourbon and trying to get out the last words to finish up this story. I was told not to make it too graphic so I had to hold back a bit. It's definitely dark, though.
Did it. Hitting "send" felt like hitting a detonator, blowing up 40 years of a family lie. Whatever happens, I can handle it.
I'm now sipping on some scotch, working on the design for the tattoo that is in part a commemoration of having finally spoken the truth, and has some other messages/meanings to it as well...
I've been better the past week or so, but I'm still having bizarre dreams that leave me rather restbroken and waking with a lot of anxiety that takes a while to go away.I can never really tell if I'm on the mend or just levelling out before plunging again.
And that better week has evaporated and my anxiety is back in force. This is utterly exhausting.
Quote from: Hyperplex on August 11, 2016, 11:16:42 AM
And that better week has evaporated and my anxiety is back in force. This is utterly exhausting.
:hug: If I could give you a hug IRL I would. :-*
Heh thanks. Nothing in particular has happened that is triggering, I'm just enduring this wave of it.
At work, so can't really take the time to type out my issues, but subscribing and hope to later!
Had a rough day on Friday at the office and it's weighing on me all weekend. My anxiety has been through the roof and I'm having an incredibly hard time functioning. I hate that I do this to myself but I honestly feel totally out of control.
Quote from: Chino on August 28, 1974, 01:38:20 PM
Then there's the guilt that comes along with it. I get paid a stupid amount for what I actually do on a daily basis. There are people that would kill for my job and they'd do it for a third of my salary without blinking an eye. Then there are people in shitholes around this planet that make mud bricks for 18 hours a day in 100 degree heat for about $3.00 a week. I should have literally zero reason to be unhappy with my current life situation, but at the end of the day, the darkness is still there.
This drives me nuts and it's something I think about all the time about how people have it more rough than me and I don't know why I feel so guilty.
I have a few issues, one of which is being able to focus. I really can't focus or even sit still. I have to be doing something all the time and I fill my day up with hobbies until I sleep. I don't even feel like I enjoy my hobbies some of the time but I feel this crushing guilt for just sitting there and not doing anything.
I know the feeling, Hyperplex. =/
I'm always scared of losing control. I regularly feel like I'm going to.
I'm sorry I never saw this reply, I've been away from the boards for a while due to things, and just saw it.
I still haven't called a therapist, and while I survived and got through the work stress that pushed me so dangerously close to the edge, I can feel that my mind is not at ease, and even in the absence of the anxiety, the usual lowness is still always there.
To put it simply, I am deeply tired; to the bone, to my core, just completely drained and exhausted and it isn't something sleep can fix.
Quote from: millahh on August 07, 2016, 08:11:54 PM
Did it. Hitting "send" felt like hitting a detonator, blowing up 40 years of a family lie. Whatever happens, I can handle it.
I'm now sipping on some scotch, working on the design for the tattoo that is in part a commemoration of having finally spoken the truth, and has some other messages/meanings to it as well...
I'm curious to know what kind of reaction the letter had. Anger or acceptance are the two ways I see it going.
Quote from: chknptpie on October 20, 2016, 11:44:25 AM
Quote from: millahh on August 07, 2016, 08:11:54 PM
Did it. Hitting "send" felt like hitting a detonator, blowing up 40 years of a family lie. Whatever happens, I can handle it.
I'm now sipping on some scotch, working on the design for the tattoo that is in part a commemoration of having finally spoken the truth, and has some other messages/meanings to it as well...
I'm curious to know what kind of reaction the letter had. Anger or acceptance are the two ways I see it going.
I got quite a reaction, and not the one I was expecting...a four page letter (clearly one aided by bourbon) about his own experiences with my mom and with his own upbringing. All completely confirming what a raging narcissist my mother is, and how she preyed on his weaknesses from his own parents having treated him poorly. That was followed up by a long phone call (again aided by bourbon on both sides), that at one point had him summarize things as "so yeah, she's a real fuckin' bitch". He didn't completely understand how my experiences had shaped me and the battles I still have to fight as a result, but he heard me out. Overall, it turned out better than what i would have thought the best-case scenario would have been. And it definitely felt freeing, and perhaps more importantly, validating. This wasn't all in my head, despite her gaslighting.
And I did get that tattoo.
Quote from: millahh on October 20, 2016, 08:09:58 PM
Quote from: chknptpie on October 20, 2016, 11:44:25 AM
Quote from: millahh on August 07, 2016, 08:11:54 PM
Did it. Hitting "send" felt like hitting a detonator, blowing up 40 years of a family lie. Whatever happens, I can handle it.
I'm now sipping on some scotch, working on the design for the tattoo that is in part a commemoration of having finally spoken the truth, and has some other messages/meanings to it as well...
I'm curious to know what kind of reaction the letter had. Anger or acceptance are the two ways I see it going.
I got quite a reaction, and not the one I was expecting...a four page letter (clearly one aided by bourbon) about his own experiences with my mom and with his own upbringing. All completely confirming what a raging narcissist my mother is, and how she preyed on his weaknesses from his own parents having treated him poorly. That was followed up by a long phone call (again aided by bourbon on both sides), that at one point had him summarize things as "so yeah, she's a real fuckin' bitch". He didn't completely understand how my experiences had shaped me and the battles I still have to fight as a result, but he heard me out. Overall, it turned out better than what i would have thought the best-case scenario would have been. And it definitely felt freeing, and perhaps more importantly, validating. This wasn't all in my head, despite her gaslighting.
And I did get that tattoo.
That is some heavy duty stuff. I am glad to hear you are getting some catharsis on it though.
My mother was also a narcissist. A delusional, manipulative, lazy, childish, controlling, pathetic, lying, stupid animal, so I most certainly feel your pain. I was very lucky to have been able to walk out of my house they day after high school graduation and never looked back. That was 10 years ago and I haven't said a word to her since. It was the best decision of my life.
My mother-in-law treated her daughters, mostly targeting my wife but also her younger sister, like such shit growing up, and she continues to be a manipulative, neurotic, bordering pyschopathic (I mean clinically) bitch. I really won't go into all of it here, but she's been abusive to them, and to the rest of her family, including her parents, her entire life.
Sometimes I wonder if the products of these types of parents, our generation, will rise above and create a generation of more caring, supportive parents, or if the patterns are more likely to continue. I know personally, I do my damnedest to NOT repeat the way my father raised, and want my kids to have a much better relationship with me, and hopefully better upbringings as a result. All I really want is to give my kids and my family and good life, that they will value and use to their advantage as all of us grow.
Quote from: Hyperplex on October 21, 2016, 05:50:12 AM
My mother-in-law treated her daughters, mostly targeting my wife but also her younger sister, like such shit growing up, and she continues to be a manipulative, neurotic, bordering pyschopathic (I mean clinically) bitch. I really won't go into all of it here, but she's been abusive to them, and to the rest of her family, including her parents, her entire life.
Sometimes I wonder if the products of these types of parents, our generation, will rise above and create a generation of more caring, supportive parents, or if the patterns are more likely to continue. I know personally, I do my damnedest to NOT repeat the way my father raised, and want my kids to have a much better relationship with me, and hopefully better upbringings as a result. All I really want is to give my kids and my family and good life, that they will value and use to their advantage as all of us grow.
The key here is self-awareness...if we understand what happened, why, and it's impacts, we can stop the cycle because we are monitoring our own emotions, actions and impacts. And you very clearly have self-awareness.
Quote from: Phoenix87x on October 21, 2016, 03:06:56 AM
My mother was also a narcissist. A delusional, manipulative, lazy, childish, controlling, pathetic, lying, stupid animal, so I most certainly feel your pain. I was very lucky to have been able to walk out of my house they day after high school graduation and never looked back. That was 10 years ago and I haven't said a word to her since. It was the best decision of my life.
My womb donor is a Grade-A narcissist as well. Her abuse wasn't physical, because that would leave visible evidence--she chose the verbal/mental/emotional route. I should have done what you did but when I was 16 and moved to my dad's after my sophomore year in high school I wasn't strong enough to cut her out completely at that time. I finally did at 39. Such a liberating feeling. I still have moments because of it, but I'm overall much happier without her and my brother (who contributed to the abuse) in my life.
Quote from: Hyperplex on October 21, 2016, 05:50:12 AM
Sometimes I wonder if the products of these types of parents, our generation, will rise above and create a generation of more caring, supportive parents, or if the patterns are more likely to continue.
The abuse I suffered caused me to make the decision to not have children. I was that emotionally damaged. I will say this, however - I was always of the mindset that "the buck stops here". I've made huge strides to NOT continue or perpetuate that cycle. So much so that I treated both of Weymo's daughters (and still do) with the dignity, respect, and decency that I never got from the womb donor growing up. It showed me that while I could have been a great parent, I made the right choice.
Quote from: millahh on October 21, 2016, 07:32:07 AM
The key here is self-awareness...if we understand what happened, why, and it's impacts, we can stop the cycle because we are monitoring our own emotions, actions and impacts. And you very clearly have self-awareness.
YES. So much YES.
The very essence of who I am has become my family. I've always loved my wife, who I am now very happy to say has been a part of my life for longer than she ever wasn't (that is to say, I'm 34, we've been together for more than 17 years now, so she's been with me for more than half my life). Our kids are the absolute blood in our veins, our heartbeats. I know it's cheesy and mushy and will probably make 90% of the board vomit into their throats, but their existence, their well-being, is why I exist now. And if I were to make them feel the types of things I had been made to feel over the years, it would kill me inside. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. All I want is to be good to them, for them.
When Eric was first born, maybe he was 4 weeks old, it was the first time I had to work late after he came around. And my wife had kept him up so I could see him before he went to sleep. When I walked into his room, he saw me and his whole body relaxed. He just stared at me and I could tell he was content. And in that very instant, I was struck by a very real and deep realization: I had never in my life felt that way about my own dad. When he came home, I tensed up. I didn't relax, I didn't find comfort in his presence. I was afraid, nervous, and on edge. That single visceral moment kicked off a rather vivid bit of soulsearching as for the first time in my life I suddenly realized the "fatherly" feelings my father never seemed to feel for me, or my sister for that matter. To me, even today, when Eric or Emily want to sit next to me in front of the TV, I will change whatever I'm watching to something for them, because I'd rather watch their show with them than my show alone. Flash back to my youth, if I wanted to do ANYTHING with my dad, it had to be what he wanted to do, never what I wanted. That's just a minor, not particularly traumatic example, but it's the kind of little thing I noticed when I became a dad. I realized my dad made me and my sister feel like we didn't matter. Even before coming to these realizations, I never wanted to do that to my kids. I want them to feel like they are as special as they really are to me, and to never feel like they just happen to be around me because they have to be.
Okay word vomit there, sorry. tl:dr I love my kids and don't want to treat them the way my father treated me, as I've said before.
Those of you who know me personally know I am very self-critical. From the moment my wife was pregnant with Eric, my number one fear was being a bad father. I like to think I'm pretty good at it, but I always see faults in myself that I want to iron out. But I will say, when the kids see me and come running because they are happy I'm home, it feels like I'm doing alright.
Debra - I feel you should be commended on making the right choice for yourself. So many people are quick to pass judgment on others' life choices, because they don't fit into that person's narrow mold of what "life should be." The fact that you feel you've made the right choice based on how things have ended up for you is even better. It shows that you not only know yourself, but you had the foresight and self-awareness to act on it in the right way.
I probably should see someone to talk through my issues, because they do go a lot deeper than even I realized. And they aren't all from my dad, either. I would venture to say a good 85% of the shit that storms around in my head and masquerades as my psyche is of my own creation, or at least my own manifestation. I just haven't grown the pair I need to pick up the fucking phone and call someone.
Quote from: Hyperplex on October 21, 2016, 01:31:37 PM
Those of you who know me personally know I am very self-critical. From the moment my wife was pregnant with Eric, my number one fear was being a bad father. I like to think I'm pretty good at it, but I always see faults in myself that I want to iron out. But I will say, when the kids see me and come running because they are happy I'm home, it feels like I'm doing alright.
The people who fear whether they will be bad parents or question if they are doing the right thing are usually very good parents. It's those who never ask the question or never have that fear that turn pout to be bad ones. So I think Eric and Emily are in good hands.
And yes, it would really help you to talk to a therapist. You're going through life dragging a 100 pound emotional weight behind you...you deserve to be unchained form that, and a therapist can help with hat tremendously.
Things are a balance. While being self-critical is vital, and feeling one can usually do better is important. At the same time, recognizing you are doing well and are good at things is just as important.