Wow... helluva bump here. That's good I guess.
So, some may have noticed I haven't been posting much since Christmas. Largely due to depression, and what some might call a mid-life crisis. I'd call it (and I'm stealing this from a book I read recently) a mid-life unravelling... where I'm realizing the life I'm "supposed" to be living (ie, the live I am living) is not the life I really want to live.
Been doing a lot of soul searching, therapy, reading, self reflection... There are days where I feel I'm making progress, and days when I feel I'm getting deeper into this hole of not living the life I want. There are a couple of things in my life (my kids, a successful career), that I adore, but others (marriage problems, extended family problems, lack of friendships) that continually trump the good of my kids and career. I don't speak with my father or brother, I don't have any regular friendships (a few aquaintances), I don't do anything for myself that I enjoy (another reason why I haven't been around here), and then there's my marriage....
I adore my wife. She's the love of my life, and my soul-mate. But she also has some demons. The cocktail of SAD, perimenopause, her belief systems (she's a high conflict personality), abandonment issues (which I also have), her own mid-life unravelling, other issues of her past, all stacked on top of how she was raised creates a shit-ton of conflict - which triggers my depression. It's been a downward spiral for a few years where we are not giving (and thus receiving) the love we need from each other... again trigering a boat load of depression (for both of us). And the past two winters here haven't helped anything... really triggering her SAD. It's as though she's drowning in the sea of life, and I'm her life preserver. It's draining... mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I know I've got a lot of my own issues from my past that affect my ability to help her, cope with her, and communicate effectively, which I'm working on. The hardest part for me is that I don't see Mrs.Jingle putting in the same kind of effort to "us". She just wants to magically click her heels three times, and have life be the way she wants it. And for the most part, she also wants people (me, kids, friends, family) to just give her the things she wants/needs in her life, and then believes all will be a-ok. Not quite sure how that's possible, as life is a two way street. Give and take. She gives a lot, but unfortuately (at least for me) it's she's not giving the things that I need.
Not sure if this is making any sense or not, but that's (part of) the story here.