Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[cramx3]

Enjoy that feeling and dont worry about anything else, just have fun and see where it leads.

[Prog Snob]

i hate feeling this strongly about someone. i can't handle it. i am letting her in in so many ways, and she is coming in, and... i don't understand, this is going too well, it never goes this well, i am so confused by how amazing she is and... blah sorry.

it's scary, it's terrifying, i like to be completely in control of the way i feel, and now... so much of my happiness, suddenly, is out of my control.

Sometimes letting your guard down and giving up some control helps you discover things about yourself you never thought imaginable. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. It only becomes a bad thing when you lose yourself completely.

[Sacul]

After quite some time pondering about it, I came to the conclusion that, at this moment of life, I need a girlfriend. So I've created accounts on Tinder, OkCupid, Pool of Fish, and Match (I know, just in case). Boy, do those sites suck  But they're the most popular as far as I know, so I found some girls from my city. I'll take this slowly, will get in contact with some that seem interesting, and see where it leads me. My hopes are that we get to know each other a bit through chat for a couple of weeks, and then meet face to face. Wish me luck  .

[Prog Snob]

After quite some time pondering about it, I came to the conclusion that, at this moment of life, I need a girlfriend. So I've created accounts on Tinder, OkCupid, Pool of Fish, and Match (I know, just in case). Boy, do those sites suck  But they're the most popular as far as I know, so I found some girls from my city. I'll take this slowly, will get in contact with some that seem interesting, and see where it leads me. My hopes are that we get to know each other a bit through chat for a couple of weeks, and then meet face to face. Wish me luck  .

I wouldn't put too much hope in Tinder. You stand a better chance with the other three though.

[bout to crash]

Weirdly enough, I've heard several Tinder success stories.

[Prog Snob]

Hookups or serious relationships?

[bout to crash]

Relationships

[Sacul]

Yeah, I haven't had any luck with tinder so far, and I might stop with it, since the kind of people that seem to use it are looking for something pretty different than me.

[Prog Snob]

Yeah, I haven't had any luck with tinder so far, and I might stop with it, since the kind of people that seem to use it are looking for something pretty different than me.

Like Jackie said she has known people to have success with it, but I wouldn't put too much hope there. You're better off with the other three. The responses I received from Tinder were more for casual relationships, not something serious. There are a lot of fake profiles on there, as well, which becomes extremely frustrating.

[Train of Naught]

Yea I wouldn't put my money on tinder either.

To be fair though I've never had a real longlasting relationship, then again, it's not something I'm looking for in this point in my life. But what works best for me is just going to a party with some friends and meeting new groups of people there, as I was never the best at one-on-one conversations, it's all personal preference though.

[Stadler]

Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute.   Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.   

[Prog Snob]

Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute.   Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.

Exactly. Sometimes this scares the fuck out of me. My personality can go from a rock to Richard Simmons from one day to the next so I never know what to expect.

[sylvan]

I've run into a little dilemma and I'm not quite sure what I should do.

I've been talking to two different women, both for only about 4-5 days. The interactions are completely different. Woman 1 is 32 and the conversation is always heavy/serious. That's fine, whatever, I don't mind opening up. But every time I try to get some sort of casual conversation flowing in text, she always comes back to the serious tone. The kind of things some other people might think are things to be talked about later, at least after you've met the person. But, I guess at this point for her, that's the type of stuff she wants to know in "getting to know" me. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, and there's lots of questions about love and romance and the future.

Woman 2 is 27 and kind of in a more similar point in life to me. We've been messaging online, and every reply seems to get longer. To a point where we have to split up our responses into two messages because there's a 4000 character limit.  Ive actuslly had to find time to sit and reply, cuz it honestly takes some time. Needless to say, there's no shortage of conversation. And the conversation is so good because we have a lot of shared interests. I told her I would try to streamline the conversation so we could fit it in one message, and she said don't worry about, she likes the long conversation.

The dilemma is that Woman 2 initially said she would probably have to wait until after her Paris trip, leaving next Tuesday for a week. So at minimum, I would have to wait two weeks to meet her. Woman 1 said that Friday night looks good for her. I said that sounds good. Then I heard from Woman 2 and she said that the only day she could meet before her trip would be Friday. Science damn you timing! Now that I've been presented this dilemma, I'm feeling like I'd rather go out with Woman 2, and try to reschedule with Woman 1. I'm not sure I want to wait two plus weeks, and it kinda seems like she might want to go out before she leaves. Should I go with my gut here? I know at this point the only person I owe anything to is myself.

[cramx3]

Go with your gut.  Before reading your last paragraph to get to your dilemma, based on what you wrote, it seemed you had more interested in woman #2 based on having better conversation.

Its good and all to be serious when meeting someone, but at some point you need to be able to have a fun conversation too so you can connect on that level as well.  If I can't joke with someone I lose interest real quick, I feel like joking around with someone is a good sign that you will get along.

[sylvan]

Plus, YOU can definitely understand my apprehension to throw in a two plus week wait with a trip to Paris. She said she could only do Friday, but she'd look at her schedule. I'd hate to reschedule with 1 if 2 has another open night.

[cramx3]

Oh yea totally.  I hate when you feel like you might have some chemistry with someone you haven't met and then you go away and communication is tougher and that spark kind of dies over the period of being away.  I mean sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't and that sucks, at least from my experience.

[bout to crash]

I'd say go with your gut for sure. Ask 2 if she has any other available days, but if not I would definitely reschedule with 1.

[Prog Snob]

I've run into a little dilemma and I'm not quite sure what I should do.

I've been talking to two different women, both for only about 4-5 days. The interactions are completely different. Woman 1 is 32 and the conversation is always heavy/serious. That's fine, whatever, I don't mind opening up. But every time I try to get some sort of casual conversation flowing in text, she always comes back to the serious tone. The kind of things some other people might think are things to be talked about later, at least after you've met the person. But, I guess at this point for her, that's the type of stuff she wants to know in "getting to know" me. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, and there's lots of questions about love and romance and the future.

Woman 2 is 27 and kind of in a more similar point in life to me. We've been messaging online, and every reply seems to get longer. To a point where we have to split up our responses into two messages because there's a 4000 character limit.  Ive actuslly had to find time to sit and reply, cuz it honestly takes some time. Needless to say, there's no shortage of conversation. And the conversation is so good because we have a lot of shared interests. I told her I would try to streamline the conversation so we could fit it in one message, and she said don't worry about, she likes the long conversation.

The dilemma is that Woman 2 initially said she would probably have to wait until after her Paris trip, leaving next Tuesday for a week. So at minimum, I would have to wait two weeks to meet her. Woman 1 said that Friday night looks good for her. I said that sounds good. Then I heard from Woman 2 and she said that the only day she could meet before her trip would be Friday. Science damn you timing! Now that I've been presented this dilemma, I'm feeling like I'd rather go out with Woman 2, and try to reschedule with Woman 1. I'm not sure I want to wait two plus weeks, and it kinda seems like she might want to go out before she leaves. Should I go with my gut here? I know at this point the only person I owe anything to is myself.

I would change plans with woman 1 and jump on the opportunity to see woman 2 before she leaves. The meeting could completely change everything and make your decision much easier regarding which of the two women you want to move further with. If it were me, woman 1 would have been gone already because I feel like she's forcing something to happen and avoiding the natural progression of getting to know someone. That could be something to take into consideration as it seems like she has a plan in her mind already and is getting you to follow along with it.

[Stadler]

For me, this is a no-brainer; politely, positively, and with enthusiasm ask Woman No. 1 if she is available Sat. or Sun (you don't want to send the message that you're better dealing her).  I'm not as bugged as some others seem about Woman No. 1 and her questions; text is really about screening, no?   Who knows what her baggage is with men who say one thing and do another.   Let her ask (unless it is a real turnoff) and see if you can't follow up live on another day. 

[cramx3]

Yea I have no issues with getting some of the serious stuff out of the way.  I feel like woman are just overwhelmed by guys so doing a bit of screening to weed out further seems OK with me.  Also if she is asking a lot of serious stuff, she is probably looking for something serious so if that's what you want then that's cool.  I'd be more annoyed with the trying to have a non serious convo that always turns serious.  At some point you need to just have a good convo, but maybe that changes once you get some of the basics out of the way.  Sometimes its good to just get some of that stuff out of the way before you start committing time and even feelings to someone.

[Sacul]

Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute.   Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.

Oh definitely. I'm just using these services to get in contact with some girls, and hoping to meet them after a few weeks of chat 

[sylvan]

Oh definitely. I'm just using these services to get in contact with some girls, and hoping to meet them after a few weeks of chat 

Be careful with that. I speak generally, and some women do like to chat a little bit before committing to a date, but most won't want to wait a few weeks. There seems to be a fine line between wanting to meet too quickly and seeming like you're only interested in chatting. If it feels comfortable, you wanna meet her, you get the impression that she would like to meet you too, then pull the trigger. But don't ever let any "rules" keep you from being yourself. Let them be guidelines to a better experience.

For me, this is a no-brainer; politely, positively, and with enthusiasm ask Woman No. 1 if she is available Sat. or Sun (you don't want to send the message that you're better dealing her).  I'm not as bugged as some others seem about Woman No. 1 and her questions; text is really about screening, no?

No, it doesn't really bother me to talk about that stuff either. But I'm kinda in line with cram. We've talked about some interests, but nothing extensive. I asked her what music she was listening too. She told me, and as I was typing a reply to continue the music convo, and she follows up with "Are you romantic?" Again, not an off limits discussion, but not what I was going for.

[cramx3]

I agree with sylvan, 3 weeks of chatting is a bit much.  Also the fine line of whats too quick/too long to meet is true.  It's there and I admit it is there for me too.  If I haven't met you in 3 weeks of chatting Im likely giving up.  There are always exceptions of course, but we aren't getting any younger.  There is no better way to get to know someone than to look them in the eye and talk to them.  I put a lot of value in that, texting and chatting just doesn't get you that feel for a person.  I just like to get to know someone enough to feel its worth meeting up and also to make sure the woman is comfortable with me as well.  I usually get to that point in a week, maybe less depending on how much we chat.

[Sacul]

Thanks for the advice! Those seem pretty reasonable arguments so I'll take them into account. I was thinking of a few weeks because I found this very interesting girl that, on one of OkCupid's questions (serves to calculate % of match and stuff), it said "How much time would you need to chat with someone you met here before meeting them in person?", and she replied "A couple of months - I'm very shy". Crap 

But yeah, will take this carefully, never trying to put much pressure in meeting her too soon, but I'll make some seemingly innocent suggestions like "oh I'm going to see X movie this weekend, will you go?", "hey I joined this book club some time ago, I think you'd love it" and such 

Will update you when/if something happens.

[Cyclopssss]

I remember back in the AOL-chat days. The speed at which some of those convo's turned to sexually explicit baffled the heck out of me. And these were all nice, neat clean well educated girls too.
Oh well....and shouldn't that be "v. The 'Firm' grip' ?

[sylvan]

I found this very interesting girl that, on one of OkCupid's questions (serves to calculate % of match and stuff), it said "How much time would you need to chat with someone you met here before meeting them in person?", and she replied "A couple of months - I'm very shy". Crap 

That's a useful piece of info, but definately not set in stone. Everyone is different. You should be able to tell from conversation whether or not they might be interested in meeting you at some point. When you think that's the case, pull the trigger and ask. I've had some women say, "If it's okay, I'd like to keep talking on here some more."  Its up to you how you progress from there.

I don't know you, so I say this objectvely, but finding an interesting girl (they're everywhere) and talking to an interesting girl online are two different things. Maybe you're a billionaire super model who will get a reply from everyone you message, but most of the time the percentages are lower. Hope for a response, but don't necessarily expect one.

[cramx3]

That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.

[Prog Snob]

That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.

There's a question similar to that which asks if you're interested in meeting someone from the site. I found quite a few women who selected no. What the fuck are you doing here then? Someone who says no to that seems to have a pretty strong mindset so what does a man have to do to get her to change her mind. If you're not the least bit open-minded to meeting someone, what are you doing on the site?  To me, it's just a huge turn-off.

[sylvan]

It's one thing to say you'd wanna wait a while. It's quite another to just say No. It shouldn't even be considered a turn off, but just a red flag that screams "Keep looking!" But then again, it seems like some people don't pay complete attention when filling out those questions. One of the questions is Are your parents married? One woman said No, and my Yes was in red, as in not an acceptable answer. I can't imagine she actually would not date a person whose parents were happily married.

AOL chat... lolz. Didn't you know? We're all sluts! I heard Nikki Sixx on his radio show say, "If you don't have herpes, you're not getting laid." And then went on to start individually accusing his entire staff of having herpes or gonorrhea. Classic! But also scary...

[cramx3]

That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.

There's a question similar to that which asks if you're interested in meeting someone from the site. I found quite a few women who selected no. What the fuck are you doing here then? Someone who says no to that seems to have a pretty strong mindset so what does a man have to do to get her to change her mind. If you're not the least bit open-minded to meeting someone, what are you doing on the site?  To me, it's just a huge turn-off.

Yea thats ridiculous.  I wouldn't attempt talking to someone who says no to that question.

[sylvan]

Woman 1 continues to be on the serious side. I texted her rescheduling. Funny thing, turns out she's leaving next week also for the holidays and won't be back til Jan. One thing led to another, and she asks how I think our connection is going so far. I said good, but I wish we could also talk and not be so serious. She then says she thinks I'm holding back and maybe not showing enough interest. She's asked me about romance, and love, and even if I'm talking to any other women. We straightened that out quickly. But after trying to have some light convo, she asked how things are going with the other women I'm talking to. Really? I told her not to worry about it cuz I don't want it to influence her actions or thoughts, but nothing serious. But it looks like we're gonna meeting Sat, so we'll see if she's this intense in person.

Woman 2 is seeming cooler and cooler the more we talk. I've not had an easy carefree conversation like this with anyone online. Looks like she's good for Fri, so I'm really excited. And she's tall, a six footer! I hope she wears flats lol.

[cramx3]

I wouldn't even bother meeting woman #1 at this point if it were mr. You never met her and she's talking about that stuff and then called you out on talking to other girls. That's a bit much.

[Prog Snob]

Woman 1 continues to be on the serious side. I texted her rescheduling. Funny thing, turns out she's leaving next week also for the holidays and won't be back til Jan. One thing led to another, and she asks how I think our connection is going so far. I said good, but I wish we could also talk and not be so serious. She then says she thinks I'm holding back and maybe not showing enough interest. She's asked me about romance, and love, and even if I'm talking to any other women. We straightened that out quickly. But after trying to have some light convo, she asked how things are going with the other women I'm talking to. Really? I told her not to worry about it cuz I don't want it to influence her actions or thoughts, but nothing serious. But it looks like we're gonna meeting Sat, so we'll see if she's this intense in person.

I'm extremely skeptical about Woman 1. Like I mentioned earlier, she seems like she has an agenda, like maybe trying to find something she once lost and has this somewhat subtle desperation of how she's approaching it. Tread lightly with her. Things should happen of their own volition, not through the constant clamoring of serious inquiries. Yes, it's important to find a connection there, but the communication that keeps relationships fresh and appealing is the small talk two people are able to have with one another.

[sylvan]

I'm extremely skeptical about Woman 1. Like I mentioned earlier, she seems like she has an agenda, like maybe trying to find something she once lost and has this somewhat subtle desperation of how she's approaching it. Tread lightly with her. Things should happen of their own volition, not through the constant clamoring of serious inquiries. Yes, it's important to find a connection there, but the communication that keeps relationships fresh and appealing is the small talk two people are able to have with one another.

This really is my exact viewpoint. I'm kinda hoping that she might just settle into casual conversation when we meet. It does kinda feel like she might be trying to force a certain dynamic, but whatever. Cram, she actually called me out on holding back somehow. I've answered everything she's asked, and one of those things was if I'm talking to any other women. That's when I told her not to worry about any of that, it has no bearing on our thing.

[Stadler]

I agree with Prog Snob, but I wouldn't bail yet.   I'm weird like that; I'm a curious cat, and I like to know what people are thinking.  I would go out with No. 1, go have a drink, and I would ask her point blank about the things she said.  "What makes her feel like I'm holding back?"    Who knows?  I've met enough people with walls - sometimes weird walls - that it would be fascinating for me.