Yeah. This one is as good as modern Trek writing...
Title: "Beard Trouble and Pesky Flies"
The USS Enterprise, commanded by Captain Jean-Luc Picard, was on a routine mission to explore a distant planet. Commander William Riker, the first officer, was leading the away team to gather samples of the local flora and fauna.
As they trudged through the dense undergrowth, Riker began to feel a strange itching sensation on his face. At first, he thought it was just a minor irritation, but it soon became clear that something was seriously wrong.
Riker's beard had come to life and was attacking him! The strands of hair had elongated into thin tentacles that wrapped themselves around his face and neck, squeezing tightly. Riker tried to fight back, but the beard seemed to have a will of its own.
Picard and the rest of the crew were stunned when they received Riker's distress call. They rushed to the planet's surface, armed with phasers and tricorders.
"What on earth is going on, Number One?" Picard demanded, as he aimed his phaser at Riker's beard.
"I don't know, sir!" Riker gasped, as he struggled to breathe. "But my beard seems to have turned against me."
Picard hesitated for a moment, not wanting to risk injuring his friend, but eventually fired his phaser at the offending facial hair. To everyone's relief, the beard quickly retreated and slithered away into the undergrowth.
As they caught their breath, the away team noticed a swarm of small flies buzzing around them. Picard swatted one of the insects with his hand, but instead of crushing it, he found that it had somehow become lodged in his palm.
"What kind of creatures are these?" Picard wondered, as he tried to remove the fly from his hand.
Data, the android officer, scanned the insect with his tricorder. "Fascinating," he said. "It appears that these flies have developed a unique defense mechanism. They secrete a powerful adhesive that allows them to cling to any surface."
Picard and the rest of the crew soon found themselves swarmed by the pesky flies, which were proving impossible to shake off. The away team was forced to retreat back to the safety of the Enterprise, where they spent several hours removing the sticky insects from their skin and clothing.
As the crew recovered from their strange encounter with the planet's wildlife, Riker couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed by his rogue beard. He vowed to keep a closer eye on his facial hair from now on, just in case it decided to cause trouble again.