Before I did it, I was going to ask DTF whether or not it was a stupid idea. Because of the subject matter, I couldn't really ask people I know, so the anonymity here works in my favor. It then occurred to me that if the consensus was that it was a stupid idea, I probably wouldn't do it, and I'd have to live with the fact that I thought it was the right thing, but a bunch of people on the Internet told me it was dumb so I didn't.
Therefore I decided to do it anyway, and find out after the fact whether or not DTF thought it was stupid. I can live with that.
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Last year, my band got a new lead singer named Angela. I think she's hot as hell. "Off the record" discussions with the other guys indicates that I'm not alone in this opinion.
After band rehearsals, we sit around a while and chill, and eat snack food provided by John, our band leader and host. (He says that since he doesn't have to haul his gear around like we all do, the least he can do is provide snacks. Good man.) This is probably the most time we spend together not actually rehearsing, and it helps with bonding within the band, which is otherwise a bunch of people who don't really know each other. At some point, Angela said something about trying to lose weight. She wanted to know what we thought.
I said something like "Let me get this straight: You're already hot as hell, and you're asking a bunch of guys if you should do something to become even hotter?" The mood was light, it was supposed to be funny, and I fully expected the other guys to chime in, agreeing with me. Instead, they had the good sense to keep quiet. Meanwhile, Angela seemed so surprised that she just kinda stared at me for a few seconds. So I was left to wallow in silence and my own idiocy. Eventually, conversation resumed. I don't even remember now what the consensus was. I was too busy hoping that the world would end, or that the house would catch fire and I could get the hell out of there without it being awkward.
I will never forget the look on her face. Did I just hear that? Is this guy that much of an asshole that he would say that, out loud?
That was actually several months ago. Last summer, I believe.
In the wake of the "metoo" movement and all the sexual harassment in the news, Facebook and other social media have been flooded with stories, and also articles written by so-called experts and other well-meaning people. And one thing that keeps coming up is that if you're a guy, and you've said something about a girl's appearance, or anything even remotely sexual, and she didn't respond in a positive way (which is usually, and that's why it's a bad idea to ever say anything in the first place), then you probably said something bad and you should apologize. Don't explain, don't make a joke about it, don't try to say it was supposed to be a compliment, just apologize. Don't even try to figure it out. You're an asshole, you deserve to feel bad, and you should apologize.
So I did. I wrote an email, briefly recounting the episode, and apologizing. (I was going to say "You may not remember, but..." but everybody knows that women never forget anything, so I skipped that part.) I apologized for saying what I did, for making her uncomfortable, and for taking so long to apologize (I've been wrestling with this for months). I didn't mention that I'm too chicken-shit to apologize in person. Also, I suck at conversation in real time; I'm better if I have a chance to wordsmith. And because this happened last summer, I almost couldn't apologize in person because I'd have to recall the episode, which would take too long and make things even more awkward. I'm 55 fucking years old, and my brain and mouth still turn to mush when I'm talking to a beautiful woman. At this point, I don't think that's ever going to change.
I'm hoping that I was sufficiently eloquent, and that the "extra effort" of a written apology will be received positively. I now find myself both eager to see what her response is, and completely dreading it.
So... was this a stupid thing to do?