JLB is beginning his Broadway career, as well as becoming an Arctic explorer. They asked Billy Joel to replace him, but Joel said that'd be like Charlie Dominici fronting a progressive metal band. Therefore, Mike Portnoy is now the lead singer of Dream Theater. Don't worry, though; David Prater will trigger all his vocals. Ringo Starr will fill-in temporarily on drums. They asked Neil Peart, but he had never heard of Dream Theater. Jordan has also replaced himself in the band with the official Jordan app, which simulates perfectly everything the real Jordan would do. JP completed his transformation into a bear and was subsequently slain by Stephen Colbert. JMX will now handle all music and lyric writing duties -- expect to hear nothing but bass in the mix. Kevin Moore, after finally tracking down and marrying the SDV girl, is now happy again and has rejoined the band. He plays with more feeling than the Jordan app, but is not as technically proficient. Fans are divided over who's better, but the real Jordan is too busy at Wizard School to care. Derek Sherinian continues to get laid.
THAT'S THE BIG NEWS!!!