Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

Although that does sound heartbreaking, I sort of philosophically disagree with the idea of avoiding something just because you might lose it. I just think that could lead to so many missed opportunities.
In the Insurgentes documentary, Steven Wilson basically says he doesn't think he could have a kid because he couldn't deal with the pain of losing one if something happened. That to me is equally weird reasoning. If you want a kid, if you're into a person, or whatever, you should go for it. I'm not saying people shouldn't consider the future... I just think I would've missed out on a lot of good stuff if I had used that reasoning for major life decisions I made. There are so many damn ways for things to go wrong no matter what you do, but it goes both ways.

Like me

[Prog Snob]

I also won't date a woman with kids, but very different reasons.

My ex-fiance had a 4 year old daughter when we were together, and when we broke up, essentially having to stop being the little girl's life was the most heart breaking thing ever. So because the possibility of a breakup exists, I can't handle the pain of losing a kid with whom I've bonded.

Plus imagine what it does to the kid. Kids shouldn't have to deal with loss and separation at such a young age. It undoubtedly has a lasting effect on them.

[Stadler]

This is why you don't have the kids get involved until you're on more solid ground. 

"Not having a parade of men into Mom's bedroom" is not the same issue as "I don't want to introduce someone into my life that I might later lose".  I'm married to the woman with three kids, and I treat them in every way I can* as my own, and I would be devastated if I lost one of them (especially the oldest).

* There are limits to what a stepfather can and should do; for example, as much as I want to - or my wife wants me to - it is dicey for me to provide discipline to the 8 year old.  He's at that age, and all the discipline HAS to come from his mom, psychologically.  The lines on personal space are different as well. 

[sylvan]

Agreed, I can't see how anyone would make the kids part of it before crossing a certain line. But, that's not what gives ME apprehension. I'm not worried about starting to date someone and also having dealings with their child in some way. I would expect that they would be sensible enough to keep that seperate until things were potentially getting serious. It's that "potentially getting serious" part. If I could date a mother casually, and it turned into us wanting more, then I would approach that by weighing all my feelings and desires appropriately. But, if I'm actively looking for something serious, the idea of starting down that "serious road" with a mother is terrifying.

[Stadler]

Agreed, I can't see how anyone would make the kids part of it before crossing a certain line. But, that's not what gives ME apprehension. I'm not worried about starting to date someone and also having dealings with their child in some way. I would expect that they would be sensible enough to keep that seperate until things were potentially getting serious. It's that "potentially getting serious" part. If I could date a mother casually, and it turned into us wanting more, then I would approach that by weighing all my feelings and desires appropriately. But, if I'm actively looking for something serious, the idea of starting down that "serious road" with a mother is terrifying.

Easier for me since I had a child.  I can fully sympathize with you that as a single man it would be daunting. 

[bout to crash]

So I was starting to wonder if Vermont was going to flake on me completely because I haven't been getting much from him and my own insecurity/past experience was questioning if he was being honest when he said he was too beat to hang out, etc. Well today we texted a bit more and he really is just swamped with work and doing his taxes and more (plus he got into a minor car accident the other day and is waiting on repairs). He started sending me some dirty messages, which eased my mind

We are hoping we can hang next week when I get back from Chicago, but we shall see.

[KevShmev]

We are hoping we can bang next week when I get back from Chicago, but we shall see.

Fixed that for ya.

[bout to crash]

, well duh. I'm just trying to keep up my ladylike appearance.

[sylvan]

How do you guys feel about old flames, or even exes, and trying again?

Let's say, for whatever reason, there was no bullshit or drama or negativity to the end of whatever the relationship was (a few dates/short-term/long-term). Is there any scenario where you would consider trying again with someone if they contacted you with that proposition? Is there a scenario where you would take the chance and feel compelled to contact someone in hopes of trying again?

[bout to crash]

Yeah, there are situations where I would definitely consider it, depending on why it ended and who the person is.

[Prog Snob]

How do you guys feel about old flames, or even exes, and trying again?

Let's say, for whatever reason, there was no bullshit or drama or negativity to the end of whatever the relationship was (a few dates/short-term/long-term). Is there any scenario where you would consider trying again with someone if they contacted you with that proposition? Is there a scenario where you would take the chance and feel compelled to contact someone in hopes of trying again?

There's one ex that I wish I could find again. I should have handled the situation differently. It's still something that pains me. I don't fall in love so easily and I hate saying the words unless I'm sure. After two weeks with this girl, I knew it. I just felt it and there was no doubting it. I didn't want to say it, though, for fear of scaring her away. The day I first realized it I couldn't wait to see her. That same night, she said it to me first. It was then I knew that what I was feeling was mutual. It was almost like it was meant to be.

[Stadler]

Case-by-case, but I would consider it.  Obviously I'm the same person I was, but I'm not if that makes sense.   It depends on what it was that ended us.   I don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about exes, though.  More time is spent thinking about those that were close but no cigar.  I know there was one girl I met in like seventh or eighth grade, "she liked me" but it went nowhere (I liked her friend), and we met up again in college (she was stunningly beautiful at that point) and we hung out but when I made an overture she whigged out (literally) but I think it was a friend thing again (this time it was her friend that was into me).  We're both married to others now and haven't had contact in 20 years, but it would be interesting to see. 

Generally, though, I think the build up is more than the actual, and I don't pine for that.

[cramx3]

Case by case seems like the right answer because it all depends on how your relationship was and ended with that person.

My weekend date went really well.  I puked in her apartment, we went to the MET together, went to a beer festival with my friends, binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story (wow, I netflixed and chilled), she cooked dinner for me, and I was feeling sick most of the time so she dealt with my sick ass... and also she wasn't allergic to my cat like she thought she would be 

[Stadler]

Case by case seems like the right answer because it all depends on how your relationship was and ended with that person.

My weekend date went really well.  I puked in her apartment, we went to the MET together, went to a beer festival with my friends, binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story (wow, I netflixed and chilled), she cooked dinner for me, and I was feeling sick most of the time so she dealt with my sick ass... and also she wasn't allergic to my cat like she thought she would be 

That at a minimum means you're basically engaged.  

[bout to crash]

, seriously.
Sucks that you were/are sick but sounds like that didn't stop you from enjoying each other's company! Excellent.

Generally, though, I think the build up is more than the actual, and I don't pine for that.

Truth.

I also don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, but there is one situation in particular that I sometimes wonder about. In a nutshell I had this very short, intense "affair" (maybe two months) with a dude I met at the liquor store I worked at. Motherfucker was a hot mess (he WAS a regular customer ) and I knew it wouldn't last forever, but he basically ran away when feelings got intense. I felt sort of cheated and like he was a bit of a coward to bail at that point (like, very soon after he said he loved me  ), and of course it was a bit of a shock/took a while to shake. We have talked very briefly via text a few times in the last couple of years, but as a guy of MANY words, I think he has purposely avoided any sort of extended interaction with me because we have really strong chemistry (and last I asked he was still in a relationship). If he showed up at my door, I wouldn't think twice about hittin' that..  but he is way monogamous so I don't think we could ever have a "real" relationship.

[sylvan]

I have someone specifically that I've been thinking about. I kinda made up my kind already that I want to contact her at some point to see if she's interested in giving it another try. Maybe enough time has passed for both our perspectives to be closer aligned. But I was talking about this recently with someone, and her response was essentially, "You don't wanna wait too long." You guys had someone specific in mind. Why not try? I can understand why Stadler doesn't wanna jeopardize his marriage for something from 20 yrs ago  .

I recently started chatting with someone online. I'm still getting to know her, but she seems nice and attractive. Not bad qualities to start with . I asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend cuz her weekdays are busy, and she's got bachelorette plans so she suggested next weekend. I'm in NYC next weekend. I'll see if she wants to find time during the week, but it looks like it might be a little while before we have a chance to meet. It reminds me of Cram talking about trips killing early momentum. It also strikes me hard because I feel like historically I have the worst luck with timing. I guess all I can do is roll with it and embrace the fact that we might only text for a couple weeks.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, if that's all you can do you'll make the best of it. I haven't seen Vermont in like three weeks and it looks like he won't be free til next week, so it is what it is. Frankly I don't have the energy to give much of a shit right now.

[Prog Snob]

Well, a few women have responded to my messages so we'll see where it goes.

[cramx3]

After spending a long weekend with TinderSuccess, she asked to spend the entire weekend again.  She had initially asked me to spend Saturday with her and her friends in the city bar hopping.  I agreed, but then she asked for me to come in Friday night.  I declined respectfully, she then while I was sleeping left another message saying she would come home with me on Friday.  Clearly didn't get the hint.  So I declined again respectfully.  I've got a killer headache since really early this morning and I have no desire to make any plans tonight because of it.  But that is only part of the truth.  I need my space.  I can't devote my weekends to her.  I'm honestly not sure why she wants to devote all of her weekend to me either.  I don't want to move this quick.  I need to tell her that, I understand, but the last girl that I liked that wanted to move quick ended up leaving after I told her I wanted to take things slow.  I just don't understand the mindset of moving so quick and spending so much time together, I really value my alone time. 

[bout to crash]

I'm with you. You've given hints and she hasn't backed off so maybe find a way to nicely tell her that.

[bout to crash]

You get married yet, cram??

I had an unplanned date with Vermont last night! He lives about 40-45 minutes from me in Boulder but I was in his neck of the woods for an event during the day. I told him I knew he was super busy but to let me know if he could squeeze in a drink since I was already up there. He told me he had time for a quick beer/dinner so we met at a brewpub. Then, the class project commitment he had ended up getting cancelled, so we had no time constraints and I went to his house for a bit. Pretty mellow, nice hangout. Really looking forward to seeing him next weekend when Aunt Flow from Red Bank is gone.

Edit: forgot to mention I have a ladydate tomorrow, with the ginger (the one I've only met up with twice so far but she is cool). I will meet her husband and daughters and we'll have pizza/pie (for Pi Day) and play video games. Should be pretty chill.

[aurorablind]

Hi girls and boys.
First time poster in this thread..

Long story:
So.. There`s this girl that I´ve started to get a really big crush on. I`ve known her for years, and I always liked her as a person, but both have been in relationships when we`ve met before. We fooled around at a concert in august, but I didn`t follow up on that since she had just broken up with her fiancee. I met her on a playground in january, and we had a great talk. We were hanging out with our kids (she has two boys, I have a daughter), so we didn`t really talk for that long. Since then I´ve been thinking about her frequently.
In late january I went out with a couple of friends and got really drunk. Stupid me texted her and asked if she wanted to get a coffee with me sometime. It was like 1am at that point, and the text was really flimsy, and I guess it was pretty apparent that I was drunk.
She texted me the day after and said that she would love to. However, I felt so embarrassed that I asked her when I was pissed drunk, so I didn`t really follow up on that.
This saturday I went swimming with my daughter, and she was there with her kids. We talked a bit, but I was so f'in nervous that I didn't manage to find a good subject to talk about (and it felt kind of wierd flirting with a girl in a swimsuit for some reason). Me and my daugher left before them, and I said goodbye. She gave me a really cute, flirting smile when I left.
I felt so stupid afterwards, but decided that I had to ask her out or I would go crazy. I texted her a couple of hours later and asked if she still was up for that coffee. Se said yes, and gave me a  - smiley.
So.. I responded and asked her if she was available next weekend.
No answer..
The next day I noticed on Facebook that it was her birthday. I sent her a private message on facebook and said: "Btw, happy birthday  "
No answer (she haven't read the message yet)..

What should I do? Hope that she answers and just leave her alone?
Should I text her in a couple of days and ask again if she's up for that coffee this weekend?

Baaaahh! I am going crazy here... 

[cramx3]

You get married yet, cram??

I had an unplanned date with Vermont last night! He lives about 40-45 minutes from me in Boulder but I was in his neck of the woods for an event during the day. I told him I knew he was super busy but to let me know if he could squeeze in a drink since I was already up there. He told me he had time for a quick beer/dinner so we met at a brewpub. Then, the class project commitment he had ended up getting cancelled, so we had no time constraints and I went to his house for a bit. Pretty mellow, nice hangout. Really looking forward to seeing him next weekend when Aunt Flow from Red Bank is gone.

Edit: forgot to mention I have a ladydate tomorrow, with the ginger (the one I've only met up with twice so far but she is cool). I will meet her husband and daughters and we'll have pizza/pie (for Pi Day) and play video games. Should be pretty chill.

Not going to lie, your date tomorrow sounds... odd (the meeting husband and kids part) but I get that I don't understand this lifestyle so that's not meant to be a shot or anything negative towards you.  Glad you had a nice date with Vermont.

Married? Getting there apparently.  We hung out Saturday night and went bar hopping with her friends so that makes her the first girl I have dated that has introduced me to her friends.  I usually get very nervous about these things, and I certainly was, but it went really well and Sunday morning she told me "the reviews were in and I was well received".  Her friends were actually really cool and nice group of girls so I find it's really nice to know she is surrounded by good people who I can get along with.  I didn't bring up the "space" thing but if the fact that she wants to spend time with me (more than I want to for now) is the only knock on her at this point then I think we are in good shape.

Aurora, seems lots of time goes between your communications with her so I would give it some time and then shoot her a follow up message for that coffee.  Maybe because you ignored it the last time she isn't taking it too seriously?

[aurorablind]

That may be the case. I really don`t want to seem desperate, but it`s a long time since I've developed feelings for a girl.
It's wierd for me actually, because I rarely see her, but the times I do I end up acting like a stuttering moron 
I rarely have a problem doing small-talk with anybody..

[Stadler]

Look, this is the pot calling the kettle black, but you need to delete your texting history with her, and just focus on THE LAST TEXT YOU GOT.   It doesn't matter ONE BIT that you texted her at 1 am all in the bag (drunk) because SHE texted YOU the next day - presumably sober, presulably understanding the context of your request - and said "YES".  That's the only text that matters. 

The "shy thing" is cute for a spell, but when it gets crippling, it wears thin.  If you do like this girl, you need to take the next step in a firm, decisive fashion.   Get that coffee, commit to it and go.  Talk about your kids, swimming, whatever, but DO NOT spend the entire date self-flagellating yourself on how much of an idiot you were to drunk text her or to not follow up.  All that is water under the bridge and she's with you on a date getting coffee. 

And good luck.  Wear a condom. 

[bout to crash]

, pretty much what he said. She may not think you're serious because of what happened last time, so you may need to be a bit more aggressive.

Cram, glad things are going well! Sounds like a good time.

As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.

[Chino]

As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.

Had you met ginger prior to this, or did you meet everyone on day one?

[cramx3]

Cram, glad things are going well! Sounds like a good time.

As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.

Thank you, yes things are going well, she will be coming out tomorrow night for a date night and to spend the night, but she has a busy weekend so I think this may be it for the week which is fine with me.

That's cool things worked out for you and Ginger's family. 

[bout to crash]

As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.

Had you met ginger prior to this, or did you meet everyone on day one?

This was date three, but over kind of a long span of time because I've had a lot going on. We've been talking a lot via text/FB but haven't had many dates. If this had been date one, I'd be freaked out

[sylvan]

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Are you and Ginger a "thing"? Is her husband involved? Do they have an open relationship? Are you all just friends? Did she want you to meet her kids? Did you kick their asses at video games?

There's a difference between being open minded/understanding, and being aware of all the different social dynamics. This is pure curiosity coming from someone who's mostly been exposed to traditional relationships.

[Prog Snob]

I was in that same position, Jackie. When I was going through the open marriage phase (back when I was still married), I was dating this woman who wanted me to meet her family.

[bout to crash]

Yes, me and the ginger are a thing, but not super serious. We have hung out three times but talked a lot and she is super cool. She and her husband are polyamorous and her daughters are aware of this. She didn't present it as wanting me to meet her kids, but the only day this week I could hang out, she had to be at home with the kids while her husband was at school. So we talked about it and agreed it was cool.

[JayOctavarium]

Idk what's going on here but I like gingers...


Oh and relationships suck monkey ballz n shit.

[cramx3]

On the topic of gingers, TinderSuccess is actually a ginger

[sylvan]

Yes, me and the ginger are a thing, but not super serious. We have hung out three times but talked a lot and she is super cool. She and her husband are polyamorous and her daughters are aware of this. She didn't present it as wanting me to meet her kids, but the only day this week I could hang out, she had to be at home with the kids while her husband was at school. So we talked about it and agreed it was cool.

Gotcha. That's exactly what I was curious about. I was mostly wondering if the kids were aware, or just there. Then it sounds like you've got a good little thing going. Have you ever had this type of interaction with the rest of someone's family before?

Idk what's going on here but I like gingers...
Oh and relationships suck monkey ballz n shit.

Truer words bro! But for real, gingers walk a fine line, but the ones on the attractive side of the line I find VERY attractive. Funny enough, I've been talking to a ginger recently. I'll have to wait until the end of next week to meet cuz I'll be out of town, but we started texting last night and it went well.

Ninja'd: Gingers are in high demand