Tim, welcome to the club. Fuck 'em all, they want to be us.
But I have to be honest. This: "What's wrong with a cell phone holster? Is that not cool? It's an Otterbox Defender goddammit!" reminds me of that commercial with the old people in the circle, and the woman says "And I told my son, 'Defense wins championships'", and the fat guy next to her leans over and says "But it does!" Then the other guy pulls out his flip phone and says "Why would I get a new one? It works perfectly fine!"