Today I have taken my first sick day in 39 years. Due to the last two years of a tough working environment which heads into evil and corrupt territory and the results and aftermath of the accident that happened to me plus the culmination of things I've dealt with and things I haven't been given in relation to that, something happened yesterday that left me feeling sick and left me with a very bad feeling.
My gut was telling me to take drastic measures immediately. The way I felt yesterday because of this are feelings no one should have to deal with let alone everything over the last 2 years. It was the hardest decision to call in sick and where I am at the moment, I'm not sure when or if I can go back, but life is too short and precious to endure shit you don't need to endure.
My team and I are so close and I am shattered it has had to come to this. I'm their leader and have taken so many bullets for them but I think there comes a time no matter what position you are in, you need to take care of yourself. The last 24 hours has hit me like a ton of bricks and I haven't cried as much in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 24 years. I feel like I'm letting them all down.
So I sit here, Thursday morning at 11am, years of fucking hard work and sacrifice and now I feel completely lost and needing to start again, not knowing where the fuck to go from here. The feelings currently are so overwhelming. Work and my team were my purpose. I've messaged members of my team to tell them I'm sorry even though I can't tell them what's going on, they are such good kids, I'm like their uncle or something, they all understand and thought I'd be gone long ago, but they are my friends and colleagues. I'm completely heartbroken right now. I can't stop the tears. This is harder than I ever thought it would be and was praying it would never come to this.
Although, since the accident, the last 24 hours I think have shown me and even though I have just gotten back up and gotten back into it, I haven't dealt with a lot of problems since that happened, just kept busy to hide them and still put others before me. Being selfhish and putting yourself first today feels wrong and foreign. I don't like it. Part of me thinks I should go back to my team and deal with the situation, but the other part says no and I don't deserve to have to cop shit when I've been so loyal to them even after everything.
Takes a while to sink in that work and organisations don't give a flying fuck about you. Luckily, I did it for the people around me, which is the reason why this is so hard.