I would never take my own life, but the thoughts are there.
I miss me.
The old me.
The happy me.
The bright me.
The smiling me.
The laughing me.
The gone me.
--Unknown
Wow. I could have wrote that. Both the bolded and the poem. Hope you find some peace.
This is how I like to express my depression ... some say they suffer from it, I say I live with it. For me, it's no difference than having any form of chronic physical illness - arthritis, or MS, or something like that. Some days it's barely noticeable, some days it's tough, and others it's debilitating. But it's always there. I know the REALLY bad times won't last forever, but (for me) they don't just fall off.
As I reflect on my life, I've always had it (at least as far back as my teens), I just didn't recognize it for what it was until my mid-30s, or suppressed it with various means (drugs in my teens; partying/alcohol in my early 20s; love/infatuation in my late 20s; parenthood in my early 30s).
Re: the bolded part here, that's how I feel as well. It's always there and it's been a very hard year getting out of it. It's crazy the things we do to suppress the bad feelings. I never used drugs or alcohol, but it's funny how this post triggered how I'm sort of using parenthood to do my very best at masking the depression. He makes every day worth living, even when it doesn't feel like it.