From P&R...don't ask how our discussion of Trump and Biden turned to AA and the 12 step process, but hey, it's DTF and we specialize in fantastic derailments.
Not having gone through it either, those two steps struck me as crucial:
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Now, I know there's a discussion about what "God" means in that context, that's not important here; it can mean whatever you need it to mean to be successful. I know from my personal experience with therapy, and watching certain family and friends go through (and sometimes fail to follow through) at therapy, it seems like there's a general difficulty with Homo Sapiens Americanus in doing a meaningful "searching moral inventory" and being honest about the "exact nature of our wrongs". It's hard to do, it requires a trusting and cooperative environment, and it requires people that will not, under any circumstances, weaponize that information.
It is...and most if not all alcoholics/addicts have some serious shit in their past that they're really hesitant to share. With therapy, it's a trust situation, building that bridge until you feel safe enough to cross it. With the 12 step process, at least with me and others I've worked with, it's a desperation thing. We've finally hit a point in our addiction where the pain is greater than our need to keep all the shit to ourselves, where we finally are willing to do whatever it takes to get some peace, even if it involves digging deep within. We often refer to it as the 'gift of desperation'. I spent a good hour of my inventory telling my sponsor stuff I'd never told anyone before, much of which I've since become very comfortable talking about, but that shit just festers when it sits in us.
A key thing I stress to sponsees is that in the third step we make a decision to turn our lives over to God, but at our current state our whole lives have been alcoholic, and were probably a fucking mess. Now...if we have a business and our wherehouse is a mess, if we don't do an inventory, our business will fail. It's the same with recovery, we need to inventory our lives so we know exactly what we are working with, all of it. The book is very clear with it's directions on how to go about this working through our resentments, fears, harms, and sex inventories. That's the 4th... in the fifth we literally turn our lives over, we share our inventory and ask god and our sponsor and the group on how to manage it, because surprise, in the first step we admitted it was unmanageable. It's a very specific process, and really well designed, that's why hundreds of 12 step programs have arisen in the wake of AA, and probably why the Big Book is usually listed as one of the most impactful works of literature in the 20th century.
As to the god thing, and the book is pretty clear on many occasions, that it's our interpretation of a higher power. In fact, the only part of the 12 steps as they're written in the book that are italicized are in step 5 and 11 where it states "God
as we understood him"...Bill made sure that the hoop we had to jump through was inclusive to all.
What does making amends entail? I mean, I can understand what it means, but do you report back at the meetings who you made amends with?
I'd worry that people wouldn't want to make amends back to me, but I suppose you'd have to be ready for that, and I wonder how a rejection from somebody at this step can jeopardize one's progress to that point.
The amends process is tough, and can be emotionally brutal, but it can be life altering as well. I had experiences on both sides. There's no 'you must' in AA first off, everything is a suggestion. My experience, when I worked my amends I kept my sponsor in the loop so he could give me guidance on them. Amends are meant to be a clearing of our side of the street, when I make them, I'm 100% honest about the harms I caused, I ask them if there's anything I missed (since I was drunk and blacked out most of the time), and I ask offer to do whatever it takes to rectify the situation. I've known people who've turned themselves into the courts and done jail time, or who've gone into retail places that they stole from and repaid whatever the owner wished for. It's amazing the lengths some of these people go to for that freedom.
A girl who spoke the other night took another person's legs in a DUI accident, and for three years in the court systems went through the legal process while working the program. While the person she injured never forgave her, when she went up for sentencing the judge gave her time served, saying she'd be of better service in the rooms of AA than she would in prison. I've known her for a good 5 years now, and she is about as outstanding a person as you could meet. That's the beauty of AA in action, and I've seen countless stories like this, including my own.
I'll respond when I get home, but will jump over to the addiction thread where this discussion is more appropriate lol
When you do that, I might post this again, but I personally believe that the first five pages of chapter 5 from the AA big book are some of the most profound pages I’ve ever read.
Honestly folks. Think about what an impact the 12 step program has had on our entire society for around the last 80 years or so. If for no other reason than to just educate yourself on what everyone is talking about, 5 measly pages should not be that big a deal. I’m linking chapter 5 and the opening 5 pages (pgs 58-63) should be sufficient.
https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf
Yeah, some good stuff there. In fact there's some great wisdom throughout the first 164pg... and some brutally dated stuff too... there's actually a 5th edition in process that's targeted at updating a lot of the more...distasteful bits that Bill put in. As great as he was, he was still a guy in the 1930s when he wrote it lol.