Official Poetry Thread

[dethklok09]

redemption of a dream
a painter drifting. mosaic world
reflection of a broken soul
see through
falling
fighting
to keep from breaking
what do you see
why are you hear
drag me down
crimson hand
reciprocalic, endlessly
blinded, a wish to be
the reflection surrounding me
run away
fleeing heart, now its known


do you see the scar
can you feel a burn, can you relate
do you feel the world, will you escape
look to higher ground, fall back down again
do you see the scars, and lose your hope again

reach out, feel the page
written in dull ink
do you see the words
do you fell the hurt.

[sonatafanica]

how to not be seen

counting minutes in the foyer
trying hard not to be seen
by some red eyed relatives I
wasn't trying to be mean
it's just they did not know that man in there
but I did
I knew him well
he broke out of that hospital he
was sick of dying

and I called his bluff
he shot himself and hid the gun

[sonatafanica]

That's about my grandfather, by the way.

[contest_sanity]

Song By Myself

I celebrate the fields:
they run beside me;
they run inside me.

I am the only poet.

Poetry is all of me
that is only me.

Yes Democracy!
Yes Anatomy!
Yes Autonomy!

Divine?

Life –

O were thy splendor

Not so

Spiteful...

I can tell everyman nothing,
But will give each of you
My frame,

Fame:

burnt out salesman stuck in cold subways
elderly, forgotten, rocking slowly to death
she trembles in closet, footsteps of soldiers

yet steadies her horse: vigorous, proud
for crackling life within test tube viles
the working man rests, embers blazing

to unearth

lifedeathmehersatandarwinevolvedintosticksstonesbeatlesbattleslostwonbodyarose

I love me; I hate me; I am not me...
But were it not for all I see,
Were it not for someone else in me,
The Universe would not reside
In greenest mountain
Or the crystal sea.

Do you not dare to see?
Do you not,
Can you afford to not,
See thyself
On the walls of an eternal hall?

O Brother!
O Sister!
O Mirror!
O Sword!

o christ

blackest ashes defiling
white satin,
he who knew no sin
God made...

myself

myself thy glory
myself thy shame

I celebrate these ashes:

Blessed blaze!
Celestial cremation!

Aquatic graveyard,
In the Baptismal slain,
To remission this cancer

of
sins –

No longer song by myself but with Thee.

[sneakyblueberry]

i like that one, CT.





Life
is no
longer yours but
belongs to all that
You thought you ever knew.
rape and pillage your heritage in
search of a new inheritance.  Fool your
brother for his while you run for cover
under great oaks.  Cower in fear you child of
the most low god.  Your poison seeps through the fabric
of your lowest common denomination.  Sleep soundly you wreck of a
man. I'll see you in the morning with an axe to grind your
teeth out.  Sweet dreams my love, my life nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen
404 error, you are not authorized to view this page, you hack YOU HACK MY BONES OUT OF MY FLESH


goodnight dtf

[True Death of Life]

sneakyblueberry, that was amazing.

[icysk8r]

My Place

A place of my own
Where the leaves above
turn day to night.
Where the kiss of sun
is rejected
as the darkness within
takes hold.
This is a dark place
where my soul still lingers
in the forest.
my place.
Where the rain shall fall
but will not land
for it is trapped
above the wooden city.
Beautiful,
the green leaves
that won’t live forever
that fall upon me.
This place is not a place of happiness
This is a place of sorrow
and pain
and the other side of me.
This place,
is my place.


The next is very cliche:
I Hate You

To the girl whom I once loved,

I hate you.
I wouldn’t care if you fell from the Earth.

I hate you.
for accepting my heart
and then shattering it,
taking a piece of it with you when you left.
The piece that gives a shit.

I hate you.
For choosing a snake over me.
A lying, cheating snake,
who will slither his way
into your life time and time again
in his slick, slippery, style.

I hate you.
And I hate that all
new relationships to come
will be in your wake.

I hate you.
For the way you look at me now.
Like a sick puppy dog
about to be put down.
A look of pity and relinquishment.

I hate you.
For leaving me heartless.
Which means there’s no heart left for you.
Just the piece you took.
So cherish what you once knew
or burn it like the hoodie I gave you.
I hope you choke on the ashes.

I hate you.
For making me love you so much.

[sneakyblueberry]

sneakyblueberry, that was amazing.

I was completely drunk, sorry for subjecting you to that.

After I wrote that I apparently went to bed and headbutted my wife like a ram because I couldn't find which way the bed was. 

[True Death of Life]

 

Ah well, I liked it.

[skydivingninja]

how to not be seen

counting minutes in the foyer
trying hard not to be seen
by some red eyed relatives I
wasn't trying to be mean
it's just they did not know that man in there
but I did
I knew him well
he broke out of that hospital he
was sick of dying

and I called his bluff
he shot himself and hid the gun

I like this one a lot.  Honestly I would move the "he" at the end of the fourth-to-last line to the beginning of the third-to-last line.  It sticks out too much there.  Same with the "I" in "I wasn't trying to be mean"

Why yes taking a poetry class for a month in May does make me an expert in offering critique on poetry thank you very much.

[sonatafanica]

Really? I think it reads smoothly, at least with the rhythm I read it in.

[Quadrochosis]

Hey everyone,

It's definitely not very often when I have random creative moments, so it's not like me to post in the more art oriented threads. Tonight, though, I was reading some Philosophy, specifically some stuff on Absurdism, and I was randomly inspired to write lyrics about it. Not really sure if it's something I need to throw out, keep, or flesh out a bit more. Some opinions would be cool.

I don't have much experience with writing poetry/lyrics so I'm not sure if these are even decent at all, but here goes:


"what is the point
of even trying
if you know
it's all for naught?

maybe we should just give up
maybe we just shouldn't care
give in to the hopelessness
there's no truth in your despair


but maybe we can find reason
amongst this mess we're in
wake up in the morning
give purpose to life again"


The first two stanzas are kind of more nihilistic, but I think that the last stanza is a bit more optimistic is, and bit more existential or absurdist. If this was ever put to music I sort of envision there being some sort of instrumental passage in between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time judging them, and while I really happen to like it a lot, I'm willing to hear that it's just something that should be kept away in a poetry journal or something, not really ever seeing the light of day. Who knows..

Thanks for the insights/comments/questions/criticism (and please give me plenty of it!)

[sonatafanica]

I'm honestly pretty terrible at poetry, so I'm probably not the best to critique.

But one thing I would say is that reading through that, I knew exactly what you were talking about the whole time, which probably isn't best for making philosophic poetry to make people think.

Ogrejedi gave be a critique that gave me a new perspective on how to strengthen my writing. What will really help is if you give your words meaning beyond the page.

[Quadrochosis]

But one thing I would say is that reading through that, I knew exactly what you were talking about the whole time, which probably isn't best for making philosophic poetry to make people think.

Ogrejedi gave be a critique that gave me a new perspective on how to strengthen my writing. What will really help is if you give your words meaning beyond the page.

Hmm. I'm kind of now thinking about two ways to go about making it a bit more thought provoking.

1. Maybe change some of the lines into questions as opposed to statements. Questioning the reader might provoke thoughts, although they may not be "new thoughts" per se.

2. Throw some lines completely out and make more vague and perhaps more puzzling statements, as to invoke thought.

Which do you think is better (or maybe an even better alternative)?


BTW, that's really good advice (the ogrejedi bit), and I immediately pick up on what you're saying. Thanks.

EDIT: Looking back I realize that I did in fact use a question in my first stanza, so I guess that first alternative is kind of moot.

[sonatafanica]

I want to give an example of a similarly-aimed bit of poetry I've been working on, but just know that I don't consider this the best example. It has a lot to do with thinking about death and trying to make life signify something.


when my bones
will form and move
and my hands extend
upward toward my stone
point out the name in
the cartouche
and say to passersby
hey, that's me!



it's horrible, but I hope it helps in some small, small way.


Do you read much poetry?

[Quadrochosis]

I think I see where you're coming from there. I know what you mean but I feel like yours' is a completely different approach than mine if that makes sense. I dunno I'll have to think about it a bit more I guess.

I don't really read much poetry at all, but also keep in mind that what I posted is meant to be song lyrics and there's supposed to also be music accompanying it.

[sonatafanica]

yea yea yeah, dude, absolutely. I didn't mean that the sort of approach should be taken. Poetry is very versatile, there's no one right way of doing it. I was just showing you one of them.

[Quadrochosis]

yea yea yeah, dude, absolutely. I didn't mean that the sort of approach should be taken. Poetry is very versatile, there's no one right way of doing it. I was just showing you one of them.

Yep!

Writing last night was actually really helpful and it made me feel a lot better. I think I'm going to try and do it more often.

[sonatafanica]

Nice! Always keep creating! Always always!

I might try to work on something as well, but my writings are so few and far between. Ergh.

[dethklok09]

calming stars light up the night
frozen floor beneath my feet
look off in the distance fairly seen
and dream of the day i'll surely meet.

walking alone, under solemn skies
pass the park dimly lit by lights
cold chill creeping up my spine
and in the end I dont think I mind.

[ScioPath]

Molded from a villanelle rhyme scheme but lacks the refrains. This is my first serious poem, so give me your harshest critiques.



This isn’t how I’d wanted it to end
A sightless icon on a sightless Earth
Final ambitions too few to defend

Remnants of former leaves, like souls, descend
Consumed by a certain murderous mirth
Still I don’t see why we all must pretend

Pretend it’s worth against death to contend
That spring’s end isn’t certain as its birth
Is feeding our blindness what we intend?

This isn’t how I’d wanted it to end
Fossilized dreams never to be unearthed
Buried ever-deeper, ruin impends

My last fall; should I as I used to spend?
Clutching material to harvest worth
Can companionship our mentality mend?

Life made less cruel by the hands we extend
Hands that, brick by brick, assemble the hearth.
Sheltered warmth in the embrace of a friend,
This is how I’d wanted it to end.

[dethklok09]

staring at me, I can hold no longer
parallel to my judgement is the fall of self indulgent man

[contest_sanity]

streams of fuzziness

lamest emo
mildest screamo
invalid genres

you fucked up my chemo

out of the madness
and into my own

out here in playland
there’s a wolf
on the throne

sitting and texting
it’s underwear rigor

i’m balling and talling

that post so sexy
i wanna sig her

wicked ways
cum under fire

manufactured
attire

faces to face them

so let’s
beware
the buyer

entire
absurd
what’s with us?
the word

i spoken
i choken

i spit out
i woken:

let’s bleed together

&

feel
      al
         right.

[SDFprowler]

I had a dream a week or two ago that stuck with me the whole day.. just kept thinking about it.  So I wrote this to express it in words.

You and I together
Rapidly sliding, suddenly falling
Down a hill of rushing water
My senses turn to fright
Before my widening eyes and frantic mind
You collide with the edge,
bruising your neck and head,
and halt upon the brink of its end

My love, you're slipping away from me
I'm violently shaking and there's nothing I can do
Pierced in mind, frozen in water, and there's nothing I can say
I'm holding you in my arms, still holding you tight, as the water races by
Slipping away, still slipping away, your eyes fade into mine

[ricky]

Beer on Saturday night

I sit with a beer
It's Saturday night
I'm gonna get drunk
On some red stripe
DT is playing
Theyre really good
Why aren't they liked here?
In the ghetto hood

James sings good
Petrucci plays fast
Portnoy is gone
Now DT will have a blast

I look out my window
and see a black car
I grab my gat
and think really hard

Is it a drive by?
They look like gangstas
I go outside
but theyre just wanktsas

I go back inside
to post in the forum
Im drunk now...
asl gkjka sadal;k

[ClairvoyantCat]

*edit*

[Quadrochosis]

Had another bought of inspiration tonight. Wrote some more lyrics, still playing around with some of the wording/phrasing but any input would be cool

"
stand.. in this open door
eyes fixed.. gaze at the floor
blue bow.. black slip on shoes
immediately remember how i fell for you

it lays on the edge
but it's fallen over now
gone forever
never returning

you walk out of the bedroom
i watch you go up the stairs
suddenly i realize
my world is crushing

all that we had is gone
"

Wow, writing those really, really helped me. Extremely therapeutic.

[icysk8r]

EDIT

[Quadrochosis]

Here's another

"
fed lies from birth
you let tv stars tell you what you're worth

never pause or stop, always short on time
no- consumption is all that's on your mind

do you ever stop and wonder
do you ever stop and think
maybe there's more to it all
than you thought?

maybe if you buy more
don't worry about your credit card score

do you really think the answers lie
in a store, in a mall
sheltered from the bright, blue sky?

do you ever stop and wonder
do you ever stop and think?
maybe there's more to it all
than you thought?

buy two, get one
free when you call in the next
five minutes until this offer expires for
good while supplies last

order now, pay later
satisfaction guaranteed
"

The last part with the play on words would make a cool sort of vocal canon thing, I think

[contest_sanity]

Quad -- I really like the last 2 stanzas, especially

"five minutes until this offer expires for
good while supplies last"

because of how "good" functions as a word in both phrases.  Really nice.

And I like your theme as well: dangers of consumerism and so forth.

Thanks for sharing.

[Quadrochosis]

Quad -- I really like the last 2 stanzas, especially

"five minutes until this offer expires for
good while supplies last"

because of how "good" functions as a word in both phrases.  Really nice.

And I like your theme as well: dangers of consumerism and so forth.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks! That entire stanza does the same thing, the first word(s) go with the previous line.

[contest_sanity]

Quad -- I really like the last 2 stanzas, especially

"five minutes until this offer expires for
good while supplies last"

because of how "good" functions as a word in both phrases.  Really nice.

And I like your theme as well: dangers of consumerism and so forth.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks! That entire stanza does the same thing, the first word(s) go with the last stanza.

Good point; I guess the last lines were more noticeable for me.  Very cool poem.

[sonatafanica]

Used these as lyrics for a submission in the diy roulette thread, but I think it works well as a poem as well.


black nails

I know when I'll be done
the black-nailed hand of God will come
to take me and boast his gray,
loveless kingdom
made of old and boring souls
and I'll fight him tooth and nail
for my eternal,
dreamless sleep

[dethklok09]

Flashlights at day:


ghosts in their eyes
flashing lights enveloping.
a burning man preaching to a crowd.
the pulpit high above sea level.
taking in sensation.
Leaving out meaning.


Waving the white flag:


Lying down
thinking about the day
I seem to be crawling
crawling on mouse traps
try to find a blank tile
Why have I always been
on it before

[Tick]

Black is darkness
White is light
Neither one explains whats right
When Black and White do turn to Gray
All the color fades away