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Author Topic: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce  (Read 9008 times)

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Offline Phoenix87x

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Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« on: March 14, 2018, 12:08:36 PM »
I think a lot about relationships. There's few people I trust more than you guys when it comes to asking questions about this kind of stuff, so I wanted to get some feedback about what you all have experienced.


Are you currently married and how do you like it? Is it everything you were expecting? What types of things do you like about it and what things bother you about being married?

Have you ever had to go through a divorce? What happened? Were you treated fairly in family court? what should a young person expect if ever faced with divorce?

Were you married, but now are single?  If so, do you want to get back in to a long term relationship, or do you just like being single now, after having experienced being married/engaged or long term relationship or whatever.

If you re-married, is it working out better than the first marriage or worse? Are there things you learned from the first marriage that are helping the current marriage more successful?


I would love to hear your story, even if it doesn't specifically fit any of those molds.

Offline El Barto

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2018, 12:34:35 PM »
Single, never married. In my case a function of two separate qualities. I'm somewhat selfish, and I'm quite comfortable in my own company. I've shacked up in the past and definitely saw the advantages, waking up every morning next a naked girl really rocks and sharing the expenses is certainly nice, but I also saw the disadvantages. I spent a great deal of time doing things I didn't want to. I suppose the argument could be made that I just never lived with the right woman, this is certainly true, but knowing I'm something of a weird fuck it seems unlikely to change. In the meantime I love my privacy and have no need to share expenses in my current situation. It's always seemed to me that some people just aren't cut out to be alone and others are. I'm lucky to be in the loner group, IMO. I can go either direction.

When this discussion comes up the story I always fall back on is a visit to Versailles. I'm standing in a crowded alcove waiting to take a picture of some dead frog's parlor. There are about 8 of us all waiting our turn. One kid is there, I put him at 22 years old and from the South, quite possibly Texas. His SO (I'd bet every cent I had they're on their honeymoon) turns up and tells him she's ready to move on to the next area. He nods and keeps waiting for his opportunity and within a minute she comes back and says "COME ON, IT'S TIME TO GO," tugging on his jacket. The look on this sorry bastard's face as he gave up his spot and walked away just burned into my brain. It was the look of a guy who is suddenly realizing that he's supposed to spend the rest of his life on somebody else's terms. It was terrifying. I felt sorry for him, and I'm pretty confident I had a much better time in Europe for a fraction of the cost, and even got laid more than his newly married ass did. He fucked up.
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Offline cramx3

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2018, 12:38:17 PM »
I was engaged and in a 9 year relationship that I ended some years ago now.  It wasn't a divorce, but we owned a house together and had a shared bank account that lead to a nasty end.  Still not a divorce, but wasn't very pretty and although the break up itself was fairly civil, the part of actually breaking off what we shared was really messy and difficult with emotions flying wild on both sides.  Easily the toughest time in my life.  I've now been with my gf for a year and really happy with our relationship.  We started dating on the premise that I may never marry her and I don't have any interest in having kids.  I had to let her know my previous relationship really soured me on the idea of marriage and I've always been on the no kids viewpoint, but the two of us are really strong together so who knows.  I'm just happy to be in a much better place.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2018, 01:16:04 PM »
This June will be 13 years of marriage for me. We started having children right out of the gate so it was a quick introduction to essentially giving up your independence so to speak and entering in to a world of 'it's not all about me'. Early on I struggled with the realization of the expectations and responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood as I am a pretty selfish person who had become accustomed to getting what he wanted.

But, I can say that the progression I've made as a person would not have happened had I been single or not had children. It's a cliche at this point but my wife does truly inspire me to be a better person and being the Father of three boys I work as hard as I can to try and make sure I don't raise three jerks. As I grow in both being a husband and Father I realize how important it is to be 'good' at both....especially being a Father so I use that sense of duty as fuel so to speak to not fail my kiddos and wife. Sometimes that creates a pressure that may not be there if I wouldn't look at it like that but for the most part it keeps me focused.

But I have no real horror stories of marriage....I feel quite blessed with the woman I married. She is probably one of the most caring people I've ever known and with her being a Special School District teacher.....she puts up with my crap pretty good.  :lol I listen to buddies of mine or neighbors and hear stories about the way other men view their wives and how much they hate being married and what not and I honestly cannot relate to it.

Again, it's a cliche but the couple rough patches we've had in our marriage all stemmed around a lack of communication. If you get caught in a cycle of not discussing whatever the issue is that's bothering you or whatever....and you just sit and brew and stew in your own mind....that's just gonna keep compounding and lead to an imagined resentment and keep the issue festering and brewing when the root of all the fuss in the first place was probably a very small issue that could have been solved had you been communicating well. Staying in communication with one another is key IMO, especially if you are raising kids together.

Raising children can be a large source of stress on a marriage and I think that's been the crux of any of the issues we've had. There are times that you really just feel like roommates. We have three sons that are active in varying sports/events etc and there are times when every night of the week there may be something we need to go to. If you throw a few back to back weeks in there where you're literally only speaking to your spouse for thirty minutes a day....that's when the communication can break down and problems can arise. Marriage, like parenting is an effort and no one said it was going to be easy. It really does take two willing parties to work at it.   

Sure there are moments when I think to myself...."I could just be doing my own thing without a care in the world" but I know that would not satisfy me. We are pretty good with one another when it comes to taking 'breaks' and spending time with friends so that we can get away and decompress a bit and we both have hobbies and activities that allow us 'me' time. I take a couple trips a year with buddies....fishing and hunting and hiking and quite honestly a couple days into those instances I'm usually missing my family anyway. She does the same as well spending some weekends with friends and her sisters and going out to dinner with her close friends. I think to keep a healthy relationship going you HAVE to have some time to yourself....you can't neglect that need because i think we all need it.

My opinion is you get out of marriage what you put into it, at least that's what my experience has been up to this point.

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Offline The Walrus

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2018, 01:28:12 PM »
I'm single and love it. Part of it is that I've already experienced what it's like to be in love. It's wonderful. But, I've experienced it, and don't want to experience it again. I dislike having to go through the emotional roller coaster of a breakup with someone whose company you cherish so much that I'm willing to miss out on it again - but also, I feel no need to, having gone through it once. That was a lifetime of lessons in a two and a half year stint.

The other, bigger part, is that I am simply too selfish for it, and have no problem admitting it these days. I get exhausted, socially, very quickly, even around my best friends. I enjoy the Internet because I can measure my words exactly how I wish, and honestly, being in a rural area, I don't have many friends who like what I like, even if we enjoy each other's company. I simply want to come home from work and do me. All of the things I enjoy doing are solitary activities. I don't even enjoy playing instruments in front of people. And, as selfish and materialistic as it sounds, I would rather focus on those things that make me happy, that pertain to my interests, than invest in another person so deeply.

I've also watched my best friend turn into a husk of the guy we used to enjoy hanging around since his leech of a wife came around. Sigh. No offense to married couples (my parents are still together, thankfully - not many of those among my friends), but sometimes it really changes people, and - selfishly, I admit - for the worse. I miss my friend.
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Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2018, 01:31:52 PM »
23 years married.  I think the hard part about marriage is balance.  You can't always be about yourself yet you still have to have independence.  So how do you do that?  Talk early on.  Find out each other likes.  At some point you have to do things that you won't like for the sake of making the other happy.  On the other hand don't choke each other to death.  She wants to see her friends, let her.  He wants to have a man weekend camping and drinking let him, then do other things together.


People tend to put themselves first when in a relationship it should be a mix.  Don't let it go unspoken.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 02:14:13 PM by kingshmegland »
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Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2018, 01:36:06 PM »
23 years married.  I think the hard part about marriage is balance.  You can't always be about yourself yet you still have to have independence.  So how do you do that?  Talk early on.  find out each other likes.  At some point you have to do things that you wont like for the sake of making the other happy.  On the other hand don't choke each other to death.  She wants to see her friends, let her.  He wants to have a man weekend camping and drinking let him, then do other things together.


People tend to put themselves first when in a relationship it should be a mix.  Don't let it go unspoken.

Great post Joe  :tup
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Offline Destiny Of Chaos

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2018, 01:39:49 PM »
I'm on wife #3. All signs are pointing towards my getting it right this time around. Will post more as time allows.

Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2018, 02:24:37 PM »
Married since 2009, first wife, and last one. Two kids, almost 7 and 6 months. Sometimes I struggle with my happiness, but I have since I was in school, and it generally isn't tied to my marriage at all. I do not have many friends outside my marriage, but I doubt I would if I was single. It definitely helps financially too since I have never been able to make much money, and my wife, while not wealthy, has a solid job, income, and pension plan.

My thoughts on my marriage are too complex to write up here, but being a dad is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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Offline ChuckSteak

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2018, 03:35:02 PM »
Single, never married and never will marry. Outdated ritualistic tradition. It's like making your prison official. But well.. it is only one way of looking at it.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2018, 06:51:35 AM »
I'm 50.  I'm married now, one child, three step children, and was in a previous marriage.   I got married the first time at about 31, had my child around 33, got divorced around 46 or so.  Remarried two years ago to a wonderful woman. 

King's got it right, I think.  It's about "balance", but I would add that that happens when you are "being honest with yourself".  I scoff - a little - at the non-married people calling it "prison".   Even at the worst times of my  first marriage - and there were "worst" times - it was never "prison".  Life is about obligations, we all have them (be it work, family, marriage) so if you're honest about what you signed up for there shouldn't be any issue.    Just like I'm not going to try to tell el Barto that "having a kid changes you; you'll love it!" I won't say that about marriage, but FOR ME, both did change me, and for the better. 

One of the things that ought to be discussed is the notion of "change".  I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't WANT to be the same dick I was when I was 21.   I WANT to change, to grow, to be better.  When  you have two people living closely in a relationship, you both will be changing, growing, and trying to be better.  Sometimes that leads to people growing apart.   That's essentially how my first marriage ended, broad strokes, even if there were specific events in between that triggered change.   She'll say this, so I'm not throwing her under the bus, but my first wife changed.   She went from a cute, "local girl", content with her local job and doing things like boating and going to concerts, to a woman who wanted to travel, wanted to climb the corporate ladder, and wanted to live the life that goes along with that.   She was less than faithful - not happy with that, but I understand it - and now is married to a guy that is essentially me - not quite as smart, not quite as good looking, but with a much bigger bank account - and that's what she wants.  God bless her (seriously).   

My current wife is wonderful.  She IS a local girl, not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder.  She has three kids (24, 19, and 10), was a beauty pageant winner (Miss Teen [her state]) and still looks the part, EASILY 10 years younger than her age.  We have our issues - she is NOT a communicator, something I also understand from her first marriage - but we work on it.   Our communication is essentially me asking questions, which has it's problems (if you don't ask the right questions, some things don't get shared...) but we deal with it.   Her 10 year old has autism, and can be a handful, but we're making progress.   Honestly, I have more issue with the ex's - hers and mine - than with anything in the marriage, but it is what it is.

I had a period in between marriages, and it was good - decent looking guy, will talk to anyone at any time, fair amount of disposable income - but it wasn't comfortable.  I don't have the constitution to just add notches to my bed-post.   I never really did, but having a daughter sort of reinforced that.  I get it, women are capable of making their own decisions, but my experience is that people AREN'T as honest with themselves as we'd like them to be, and at almost 50 I was less thrilled with the idea of a psycho ex-lover than I was with the idea of the so-called "down sides" of being married.   So I couldn't fuck anyone I wanted when I wanted; I probably wasn't going to be able to do that anyway.    She does let me do my thing - we talked about that before we were married - so when Maiden or Shattered Fortress or Michael Schenker came to town, it was understood I was going down to NYC early, spending some time at McSorley's, meeting up with some buddies and going to the show.  Her thing?  Don't drink all day and try to drive back to Hartford at 3:00 am. 

Last thought: it might seem semantics to some, but I don't at all feel I've given up my independence.  I'm still me.  What I have given up is unlimited choices.  My palate of who I get to sleep with is much shorter.   Pick a day, any day:  next Tuesday.  Next Tuesday, my options are somewhat less than what they might have been was I single.  They WILL NOT include a hooker and a bag of coke, but then again, they will include having a home cooked meal with my family, and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman watching TV shows I like.   The latter would have been higher on my list had I been single, anyway, so I don't feel I'm compromising much or giving much up.   That's me.   You are free to make your own value decisions.   

« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 07:08:54 AM by Stadler »

Offline TAC

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2018, 06:58:03 AM »
Stadler, I can't begin to tell you how much of what you posted applies to me. I'll post when I get a chance, but I totally get what you said. A lot of it is so close to my life.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline The Walrus

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2018, 07:21:05 AM »
I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on.  :lol

Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.
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Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2018, 07:25:41 AM »
I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on.  :lol

Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.

I do that even with my wife there. :lol

I'll be talking to her and I look over and she's out.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2018, 10:46:02 AM »
I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on.  :lol

Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.

I do that even with my wife there. :lol

I'll be talking to her and I look over and she's out.

Well, I wrote "...and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman watching TV shows I like." and I should  have written "...and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman who's sleeping while I'm watching TV shows I like."

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2018, 10:58:28 AM »
No time to read everything or post response to OP, but wanted to post so I remember to come back to this.
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Offline ProfessorPeart

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2018, 11:24:52 AM »
Married almost 19 years now.

We met in High School and started dating Sophomore year. I was 16 and she was 15. In total, we have been together 25 years now.

2 kids, 17 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.

Nothing really worked out the way we planned. Childcare was so expensive that my wife had to do the stay-at-home Mom thing. We live mostly paycheck to paycheck and have been on maybe 5 vacations our entire married life.

Our entire marriage has been dominated by healthcare problems. Shortly after my son was born my wife attempted suicide and was placed in a psychiatric ward. The first of many, many inpatient stays. Turns out she is bipolar. That is a rollercoaster that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My major medical issue came 10 years ago on the day we were moving into our first house. Was going to clean out my storage unit and got hit head-on by an 81 year old driver at high speed. Shattered my right femur and my left ankle. Also fractured my right wrist. I was hospitalized for a month and half and was confined to a wheelchair for several months. I guess my wife proved her love for me at that point as I had to use a commode to do my business since I could not get into a bathroom. She then had to empty and clean it. Many women told her that they would have left their husbands if they had to to that. She was appalled by that. Makes me feel good.

My son is autistic and leans towards Asperger's. He also is dealing with seizure issues and severe motor coordination deficiency. Still can't even ride a bike. He is high honor role in middle school and is ridiculously smart. Currently, he might have a hip impingement that will require surgery.

My daughter, whoa boy. Major anxiety, extreme self-harm, drug use, suicide attempt, and borderline personality disorder. Has also had several stays in the psych ward. I'll just say this, I have dropped probably in excess of $10K in therapy and other help to get her straightened out. Currently, I think she is in a really good place. She is also ridiculously smart and barely has to try to get good grades. Her suicide attempt happened while my wife was away and I was alone with her and my son. I knew she was in a bad place at the time and was scared to go to bed that night. That one scarred me good. I'll never get over it.

Those are just the big health issues. My wife and daughter are also dealing with other things that require frequent doctor visits. It never ends, but is way more manageable. It also helps that I work for Northwestern Medicine. I have quite a good health plan.

Right now, my wife and I are starting to slowly enjoy life again. The kids are practically grown (and mainly healthy) and we can start to have date nights again and not have to worry about the kids. We are both 41 and are really looking forward to this upcoming phase of our lives. Oh, we are both still madly in love with each even after 25 years. I can't see myself with anyone else.

I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.

Best thing about being married, my wife lets me display my massive CD collection in the living room. Don't know if too many women would be that cool.  ;D
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Offline ganpondorodf

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2018, 12:13:56 PM »
Married just under a year, don't want kids. Just dogs please. I can sort of dimly grasp why some people feel children improve their lives, but I know myself well enough to know it wouldn't apply to me, and that there's about a 3% chance I'd be a good dad. Plus there are too many damn people on the planet as it is

Offline Stadler

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2018, 12:30:28 PM »
My son is autistic and leans towards Asperger's. He also is dealing with seizure issues and severe motor coordination deficiency. Still can't even ride a bike. He is high honor role in middle school and is ridiculously smart. Currently, he might have a hip impingement that will require surgery.

That's my son (yes, that's what I call him).   He is easily the smartest person in our house (and both my daughter and I are no slouches), and so it's almost a personal challenge for me to make sure he gets every opportunity he can.   Companies like GE and Sikorsky and NASA (not a company, I know) pay guys like him amazing salaries to tap into their somewhat singular brains, and I would love for him to have that chance.   He's a handful for various reasons (not least of which, with his sensory processing disorder, he in moments of stress will strip to his tighty-whitey's and wrap himself in a furry blanket) but he has so much to offer all of us.

Quote
I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.

Nothing personal here, and not directed at you in any way, but your thought triggered something with me:  it's amazing as I get older to see how our kids are in many ways versions of ourselves.  It doesn't always manifest itself obviously, but if I'm being honest with myself, and with my wife, all our four kids are chips off their respective parental blocks in one form or another. 

Quote
Best thing about being married, my wife lets me display my massive CD collection in the living room. Don't know if too many women would be that cool.  ;D

Damn you; mine got relegated to my basement office (though she did let me hang my guitars in the living room as decoration when they're not being played). 

Offline Nick

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2018, 01:00:54 PM »
In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.

We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.

And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.
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Offline ProfessorPeart

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2018, 01:15:44 PM »

I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.

Nothing personal here, and not directed at you in any way, but your thought triggered something with me:  it's amazing as I get older to see how our kids are in many ways versions of ourselves.  It doesn't always manifest itself obviously, but if I'm being honest with myself, and with my wife, all our four kids are chips off their respective parental blocks in one form or another. 


Absolutely. I saw things in him pretty early that reminded me of myself. There are ways in which I handle social situations that I know are wrong but I can't bring myself to alter my behavior. Social behavior has always been a problem. Case in point, I'll see someone in the store that I have known for years and my first instinct is to run away so as not to be seen by them for fear I will have to enter in a conversation. I saw these social ticks in him and really didn't want him to end up like me. Turns out, he is actually worse than me.

Of course, the things that I want him to be like me in, he's not. I'm a sports nut, he hates sports. I love music, he really doesn't seem to care much.
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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2018, 03:31:35 PM »
I will be married 23 years come September. I still love my wife very much. Marriage is hard work and unless you recognize that your an asshole and greatly flawed you may not recognize that your spouse isn't perfect either. That's how you get through marriage. Its realizing that life is going to deal you some fucked up shit every year and you need to find a way to get through it and come out stronger having gone through it.
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Offline lordxizor

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2018, 08:00:42 AM »
I've been married 11 years. 3 sons, ages 2, 6, and 9.

Starting with the good: Being married is mostly awesome. I can honestly say I'm still very much in love with my wife. I cannot possibly imagine not being with her for the rest of my life. We make a good team most of the time and are usually on the same page as each other or at least understands each other's views on things. Other than some fun money we each get every month, our finances are 100% combined. There is no mine and hers and I honestly cant imagine doing it any other way. I adore my boys. They are amazing and funny and regularly make me nearly burst with joy and love.

The bad: Being a parent to three young boys is a lot of work. My wife tries to be super mom and homeschools our oldest 2. She does a great job, but it's stressful, which bleeds into our relationship and interactions with each other. I hate to say the kids are what put the most strain on our relationship, but they totally do. Neither of us feels like we get enough me time nor do we get enough time together. My biggest struggle right now is that I often just don't want to have to do all the work that goes along with having a family. I just want to be lazy with my wife a lot of the time, but that can't happen and that makes me sad sometimes.

I'm really big on frugal living and saving for financial freedom. My goal is to be financially independent when my youngest is done with college (only 21 more years!). At that point my wife and I will honestly be able to do whatever the hell we want with our time after 25 years of our lives revolving around our kids. We'll probably still work to some extent, but will be able to travel and do fun stuff more often.

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2018, 09:05:05 AM »
In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.

We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.

And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.

Not really my bidniss, but curiosity killed the cat, so...  how did you get to "70/30"?

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2018, 12:33:23 PM »
I've been married for a little more than 13 years. We have four girls, ages 12, 9, 8 and 6. Obviously having four kids can be very stressful but my wife and I both have parents who live in town, are retired, fairly young (early/mid 60's) and healthy. We're very lucky that they help out when needed.

I enjoy being married. I've never considered myself a natural when it comes to relationships. I never had a girlfriend in high school, in fact I can count of one hand the number of dates I had throughout those 4 years. I met my future wife when I was barely 21 back in January 2004. We were engaged that May and married that November. Neither one of us is extremely introverted or extroverted, we're both kind of in the middle and give the other space when needed. We agree, for the most part, politically. Oddly enough, one thing we don't share is a love/appreciation of music. I've always liked a wide variety of music and have been purchasing my own since I was 8. I have more CD/Vinyl/cassettes in my collection than I can display at once. My wife mainly listens to manufactured pop sensations, boy bands and Top 40. She considers any song over 3 minutes long.


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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2018, 12:40:47 PM »
Here's a question:   do you all feel like shared interests - be it politics, music, food - is integral for a successful relationship, or is it just enough to RESPECT the others' interests?   

To anticipate the answer, I think the one thing that is sort of important is... vices.   I've never really dated anyone that loves my music; I like enough music that I can and will go see any concert any time, so there's no problem going with them, and I like going to shows by myself, so I don't need her to like my music.   I've never really dated anyone that is sympatico with my politics, so there's always been a debate (believe it or not, I've not always been to the right of my partners).   I do sort of always recall problems when one of us partook in vice way more (or less) than the other, at least on a regular basis. 

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2018, 12:59:13 PM »
I think we "morph" into liking the other's likes.  My wife was always a music lover but i got her into prog rock.  Same with beers.  She was a Molson Ice girl and I like the craft beers early on.  Now she's a beer snob like i am.  I've got to find a picture on Facebook of me doing something that my wife loves so you guys can have a chuckle.
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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2018, 01:01:31 PM »
I think we "morph" into liking the other's likes.  My wife was always a music lover but i got her into prog rock.  Same with beers.  She was a Molson Ice girl and I like the craft beers early on.  Now she's a beer snob like i am.  I've got to find a picture on Facebook of me doing something that my wife loves so you guys can have a chuckle.

You got lucky.  Mrs.jingle hasn't morphed jack-shit.
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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2018, 01:18:20 PM »
I know.  I'm real lucky.   Here I am enjoying tea and crumpets in an English garden. The things you do for love.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
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Offline Nick

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #29 on: March 16, 2018, 02:59:29 PM »
In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.

We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.

And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.

Not really my bidniss, but curiosity killed the cat, so...  how did you get to "70/30"?

I make substantially more money. Once she completes her major professional license this year and gets a better job the ratio will likely change.
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Offline TAC

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #30 on: March 16, 2018, 04:29:55 PM »
I know.  I'm real lucky.   Here I am enjoying tea and crumpets in an English garden. The things you do for love.



Geez, the Queen has aged quite a bit since July.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #31 on: March 16, 2018, 04:45:50 PM »
 :lol

I actually enjoyed it.  Plus, seeing how much my wife loved the moment made it worth it.
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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #32 on: March 17, 2018, 07:17:14 AM »
Now that I have a moment to myself... lots of similarities amongst us men.  First...

- Gary and Joe, you have wonderful wives (I know the Queen first hand, and from everything I've heard about Mrs Miller, she is indeed your better half  :biggrin:).  Consider yourselves blessed - I know you do, so that's redundant.
- Stads... that was a terrific read.
- Professor... mad props to you.  You and your wife are incredible people based on what you've told.

Now on to the jingle.marriage.

<holy shit this ended up being quite the dissertation!  tl;dr... had a lot of ups and downs, but with a lot of patience and work, things are great now - make sure you take care of yourself first>

19 years in a couple of weeks, and as most of you know, two wonderful jingle.kids (b/g twins).  By no means has it been an easy road.  We met when I was 25 just after university, married at 27, kids at 29.  Mrs.jingle is 10 months older than I.  We fell in love because we both filled a void in each others' life at the time.  It was terrific, but the marriage has been hard work.  Physiologically, marriage will always be harder than the courtship process... the chemicals in our brains just make it that way - we don't always have the "in love" triggers in our brain firing.  We've had our ups and downs (a lot of downs) in our marriage, and I ended up doing a lot of reading and research on it. 

We both have mental health challenges - me with depression, her with anxiety and (imo, undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder - she doesn't self harm, carries many of the other traits.  We also both carry a lot of issues/baggage from our childhood.  This has been the cause and triggers of much of our depression/anxiety, which leads to the 'downs'.  mrs.jingle was also a stay-at-home mom (we were fortunate enough that my income afforded us this), which as a mother and for our kids was an absolutely amazing thing to be able to do.  As a woman/individual/wife .. it posed a lot of challenges for her - isolating, lacking her sense of 'self' (which triggered a lot of other issues).  We fought... a lot - which is a primary trigger for my depression.  It was quite the shampoo cycle (wash-rinse-repeat).  For many years, I wasn't sure we would make it ... and I there were times I wasn't sure I wanted us to make it.   But, I was a product of divorce (at 14 years old), and I would never have allowed that to happen.

I vividly remember a post Tick made a number of years ago about how he had been through some rough patches, but came out of it and now (ie, then... and hopefully still now  :lol) his marriage was as good or better than it ever was.  I remember thinking - 'god I hope that's me/mrs.jingle' ... but seriously doubted it.  The good news is, I/we did get thru the rough parts.  Over the past 4 years, as the kids (who thankfully are amazing and - for the most part - problem free teenagers) got into and thru their teenage years, she found a purpose and passion in her life outside of the family - and that's a good thing.  Prior to that, she defined herself as a "mother" and a "wife".  Meaning if she didn't feel valued by her kids and husband, she was a wreck.  In that regard, anytime I wasn't spending with her, or attention I was giving to ANYTHING else in life was (to her) internalized as me not valuing her, and not wanting to be with her - all functions of her mental health issues, and baggage (lots of worthiness issues).  As such, I had very little in my life that was 'mine' for many many years - the odd concert here and there, but that was about it.  Now that she has found her passion, she isn't so reliant on me/kids for her happiness, which has allowed me to do the things that are 'mine' that make me happy.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like we live totally separate lives, but we're very comfortable in our ability to do certain things apart from one another.  For many many years, this wasn't the case for mrs.jingle.

Basically, this is a long-assed and personal way of saying it's incredibly important not to lose yourself in any relationship.  Don't sacrifice everything to please the other; maintain your interests and what is truly important to you.  As Joe said, some compromises are necessary, and it feels good to do things that make your partner happy - at least it should... if it doesn't then you've probably got the wrong partner.  I rambled on about this because I believe it is a critical element to a successful marriage.  That guy that Barto referenced in his story who completely gave up what he was interested in for his woman ... not right, and probably not the path to a successful relationship.

There's lots of other comments that have been made that I agree whole-heartedly with - kids are a tremendous amount of work, but totally worth it; you get out of the relationship what you put in to it; communication is critical - HONEST communication; it's a lot of hard work - sometimes marriage/family feels more like a business than anything else.

Like lordixor, I too am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as it relates to the next phase of life which is kid-less and career-less, and thus the chance for us to just be husband and wife to and for each other.  We've been pretty blessed financially, and I'm in the 10-year window until retirement - Freedom 56 baby!  In the past, my fantasies about what that would look like, did not always include me still be married.  Now I can't imagine that.
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Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #33 on: March 17, 2018, 07:32:39 AM »
Chad, what a wonderful read. Independence and self worth are integral to a marriage. Both spouses have to recognize that in each other.  Most recently, the Queen has been struggling with her treatment at work, I was not happy that the jobs that she was looking into would not make enough money.  That causes a little friction.  I wanted her to me mentally happy at work but we couldn't take the kind of lose that she was talking about.

I we talked about expanding her search with her experience.  As luck had it, she found another job in her field and got a $4.00 raise.  She starts April 2nd.  I had to be supportive in her but also bring her to understand we still needed to be financially sound  and for her to have piece of mind.

It's never easy but you have to be calm and talk things out.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
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Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Experiences with Marriage and/or Divorce
« Reply #34 on: March 17, 2018, 11:06:57 AM »
Chad......fantastic post!  :tup    Having had the conversations we’ve had in the past it’s awesome to hear how things are going now compared to a couple years back. Really happy for you guys that you were able to stick with it....work through it and am glad that light at the end of the tunnel is getting clearer.


Side note:  as a testament to this ‘online’ community that we have and the friendships that can form from it.....I find myself so curious and excited to see how the jingle kids do in their university endeavors.
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